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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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riverrock1981 Wife wants separation
  • replies: 1

My wife and I have been together for 14 years, have been married for 8 years and have 2 youngs girls (4 and 6 years old). Last year my wife was diagnosed with depression, although she most likely had been suffering in silence for many years. She had ... View more

My wife and I have been together for 14 years, have been married for 8 years and have 2 youngs girls (4 and 6 years old). Last year my wife was diagnosed with depression, although she most likely had been suffering in silence for many years. She had a tough upbringing (her mother also had mental health issues), and she left home at 16.She made it through all that but I think there are many scars from that time, that affect her self esteem and self worth.When she was diagnosed,I attended one of her counselling sessions where she disclosed that she had run up credit cards debts in excess of $30k. This was not the first time in our relationship that she had spending/money issues, but previously they were smaller amounts ($5k). In any case,I tried to support her through that as much as possible.She has been on medication and we have cleared the credit cards, and she says that she has been in a good place. We have sold our house and are currently looking to but another property.At an auction last weekend, we were registered to bid and I had an understanding of what I thought our maximum amount was.However, during the auction, she was putting pressure on me to bid well in excess of what I thought our agreed maximum was.I refused to do so, as the house needed work, would probably require us to live in it for some time (which she had expressed reluctance to), and there was risk with respect to future renovation costs. In the pressure situation, I became quite annoyed and was dismissive of her badgering,telling her to stop. Following the auction, she told me I was a useless husband and pathetic excuse for a man, and that I need to grow some balls.She feels that this has verified her opinion that I do not treat her with respect, or value her opinions.She has perceived my refusal to increase our bid as confirmation of my opinion of her.She feels that it was a moment of enlightenment for her, and that she no longer wants to be with someone like me. Over the past 6 months, she has also stopped talking to my brother's wife, and she has stated that she only wants to surround herself with people who make her feel positive. As our daughter has recently started school, she has focussed on developing new friendship groups with other mothers. I think this is positive, but I also wonder if perhaps she sees me as a person who does not make her feel positive and so is looking to cut me out of her life. I do not want to lose my wife & kids.Any help would be great.Thanks

EllEamej13 My dad is drinking again and I feel powerless.
  • replies: 2

Hello. I'm hoping someone here can help. Growing up my dad drank a lot. My mum had her number of mental health issues and their relationship always appeared very toxic. My dad was also always in a high pressure job. He's verbally and almost physicall... View more

Hello. I'm hoping someone here can help. Growing up my dad drank a lot. My mum had her number of mental health issues and their relationship always appeared very toxic. My dad was also always in a high pressure job. He's verbally and almost physically aggressive when he drinks or he acts giddy and over the top motivational. I can tell. I moved out of home a ago. During that time my mum and him finally got divorced and both seemed happier. Dad got a new girlfriend. She's simply lovely and he always talks about how happy he is. But I just found out he's drinking again. And not just a little. 12 cans with a game of football and with his girlfriend there. He hadn't been working for about 5 years but he just got a full time job. My sister also has special needs and he's become a full time career (that was mostly my mum's responsibility much of her life). But things seem okay. I can't understand it. And being out of home, I didn't even know until my sister told me a couple days ago he isn't okay. Tell me, what can I do? My dad is traditional, doesn't believe in seeking help, he's always been great at denying there's an issue, I'm not sure he'd even know. He's been in a state of drunkenness for years so much some people don't know. He stopped for the last couple years. We got really close. When he drinks, he's just a scary person, when he doesn't we have long beautiful conversations. I don't want to lose him. I just feel I can't get him back. Without being there, I can't talk to him. I think I'm the closest person to him. Maybe I'm rambling. But honestly, I love him so much it breaks my heart.

Dove20 I don't know what else to do as a carer
  • replies: 7

I don't know what else to do. My grandpa is 84 years old and lives with me and my family. Most of his friends have been long gone. I'm worried about his mental health. He stays in his room all-day and then when the time comes he will eat in our dinin... View more

I don't know what else to do. My grandpa is 84 years old and lives with me and my family. Most of his friends have been long gone. I'm worried about his mental health. He stays in his room all-day and then when the time comes he will eat in our dining room. However, every time I try to encourage him to go for a walk with me, sit out in our backyard to see the sunset or watch tv with our family he will refuse. He does not even eat dinner with us or want to sit out in the lounge room with us. It's just him and his room. I have to reveal that he is a hoarder so everything is piled up to the roof with things that he owns and things that he has picked up off the street. I don't know much about hoarders lifestyle but maybe he has an emotional attachment to everything he hoards so he stays in his room all day? I've always been worried about my grandpa and the lifestyle he lives but after truly realising the impact of isolation due to covid, I am now extra worried. It is especially concerning to me as he has no living friends nor does he want to go to senior centres to interact with other seniors. I try to make small talk with him every day, telling him that the weather is nice or that the wind is beautiful but he never engages back other than 'yes it is'. I hate to think that this is what his last remaining years will look like... isolation, no social interaction.. just years in his room. I understand that the elderly do not have the same stamina as our younger selves, and that may be the reason why he does not want to do many things. But our family have bought him a walking stick and a walking aid for him to use so he'll feel more secure. However, he refuses to use these as he believes he does not need them. The past few years whenever we would try and help him be more comfortable he has refused our help. It's frustrating to see. I don't understand it as all we try to do is help him. He has even thrown out his bed and instead sleeps on a wooden plank because he said its better for his back. I think that was the most heartbreaking to see for us. It seems to be that he wants to be... uncomfortable? I have a theory that he lives this type of lifestyle because he is religious and believes in reincarnation. So maybe he thinks that if he suffers in this world he will be rewarded in the next? but I would hate to think that is the reason to refuse any help from his family members. I'm worried he might be depressed. Should I be concerned? Any response will be welcomed.

Wife_Lil DEPRESSED HUSBAND POSSIBLE UNDIAGNOSED AUTISM SPECTRUM/MUSICIAN
  • replies: 2

15 years ago when I met my husband he was a fast talking, successful musician, who swept me off my feet with his witty conversation, and the way he made me feel special. We clicked from the start. To others though, they regularly told me "I can't get... View more

15 years ago when I met my husband he was a fast talking, successful musician, who swept me off my feet with his witty conversation, and the way he made me feel special. We clicked from the start. To others though, they regularly told me "I can't get a word in?" and I noticed his family say "Shut up" a lot to him. His friendships were with other musicians, and school friends, but no new friendships. In 15 years, we haven't formed any mutual friendships. He talks about particular subjects of his interests in length, and if you change the subject, it will be returned to those topics. Working with other people has posed problems, he doesn't fit in easily. Family are not tolerant of his quirkiness, and instead, just ignore him in family gatherings on my side. He is currently not working, and depressed. Having been to 6 Psychology appointments and then seeing a GP that has not helped, he is frustrated beyond belief. We argue all the time and he feels I don't understand. If I don't agree with his point of view, there is an argument. He no longer does anything with me that isn't involving something he wants to do. Rarely exercises, doesn't want to get out of bed in the mornings. I am stunned at the lack of help he has had medically. It is very isolating loving a man who won't socialize. He has lost his sense of self worth without a career, having injured himself and had surgeries. Over 50 and finding it difficult to choose a new career, and having heard the budget 2020, now wondering where his future lies. How do you get help for a man who is extremely intelligent, who has no idea that people who meet him, or family who ask me, "Does he have Autism, or Bipolar, or ADHD, or is he displaying Narcosis behavior??????" I know he is depressed! Should I stay or should I go? I love him! He is my everything. Good medical help is difficult to find....

Seddie Looking for some emotional support
  • replies: 3

Hello, I’m struggling with depression. I’m not sure if talking to others will help, but I haven't got any better ideas, so I might as well give it a try. When you’re depressed it’s difficult to muster up the inner strength to do anything to help your... View more

Hello, I’m struggling with depression. I’m not sure if talking to others will help, but I haven't got any better ideas, so I might as well give it a try. When you’re depressed it’s difficult to muster up the inner strength to do anything to help yourself, to lift yourself out of the pit. I get in a negative headspace, my situation looks hopeless, so why bother trying to do anything about it. I’m in difficult life circumstances. I’m a full time carer for my partner who has cancer. Over 5 years ago he was told he had 12 months to live, but he’s still here thanks to new treatment drugs which have worked for him. That is good news of course, but the downside is he is very much diminished, physically and emotionally. He is basically an invalid, can’t do much at all, even self-care. It’s been such a long time, there have been so many ups and downs. I am so tired. It’s not physically difficult, but I’m emotionally exhausted. You just wish for it to be over, but then feel bad for wishing it, because the only way this can be over is when he dies. So you feel like you just wished he would die. One thing I find very difficult is my job is to support him, to enhance his quality of life as best I can. And when you do that for a long time you kind of run out of caring. You don’t have anything left to help yourself. So that’s my sad story and it’s not surprising I would be mentally and emotionally exhausted. I need to find some more inner strength and stamina. It’s not a finite resource, it gets replenished and not all the days are this hard. But I am also slowly getting weaker, just like he is, and I won’t make the distance if I don’t start paying more attention to my own care. And that feels hard because it seems like I’m adding to my caring load when I’m struggling. Now I have to look after him as well as cry-baby me.

Violet12 Supporting a depressed partner who does not want therapy... Need advice.
  • replies: 2

I'm at a loss. After what I thought was a really good week, I found out he was feeling depressed most of the time, and when he was feeling happy, he'd start to have anxiety and take medication. So he has had a no good week and I thought it was good t... View more

I'm at a loss. After what I thought was a really good week, I found out he was feeling depressed most of the time, and when he was feeling happy, he'd start to have anxiety and take medication. So he has had a no good week and I thought it was good the whole time. He told me this morning he was feeling so depressed lately, just wanted to sleep all the time, and is betting everything on him feeling better when we move. I asked him to try therapy - honestly probably the 50th time I've asked him. He tried it once a year ago for anxiety, and while I know it helped (he started going outside more and having more insight into his mental health) he doesn't think it did anything. So he doesn't want to do it again. He says "they'll just tell me to exercise and stop being sad, and they won't tell me anything I don't know already" and he won't believe me when I tell him that's not true. He is on antidepressants. He says he feels dizzy most of the time from them and brain-fog. I asked him if he wants to try a different dose or switch to a different antidepressant altogether, and he just says "eh" and changes the subject. I really don't know what to do. I can't express how incredibly disheartening it is to hear he still feels this way and after this long, and still won't try anything. For the past few months he has been in bed maybe 70% of the time. He spends almost every waking minute just looking at his phone. He showers/brushes his teeth about once a week. I've tried everything I can think of and I know this might sound really self-centred but it's starting to depress me that I can't change anything for him or get him to change anything. I've heard so many mixed messages about ultimatums, but most of what I've read says do not give your partners ultimatums to go to therapy. I feel like if I did he would just not put effort into the therapy anyway as he'd feel like he was forced to be there. Another thing that is getting to me, is that I don't have any gauge for how bad it is. If he laughs occasionally, doesn't cry, and sometimes talks about things he's looking forward to - then maybe things aren't as dire and I don't need to feel so messed up? I am just scared. Scared nothing will change. Scared he has no hope. Scared he will only get worse. Scared that I'm doing the wrong thing by him. I don't know what to do.

Worriedmum29 Not sure if Im helping or hindering my 20 year old daughter
  • replies: 4

My 20 year old daughter has been suffering from depression and anxiety for 41/2 years. She. was on AD but stopped taking them as she feels she "needs to do it on her own".Her mental health has plummeted over the last few months and I've suggested tha... View more

My 20 year old daughter has been suffering from depression and anxiety for 41/2 years. She. was on AD but stopped taking them as she feels she "needs to do it on her own".Her mental health has plummeted over the last few months and I've suggested that she consider going back on them or at least speak to her Dr about it (she went off without discussing it). Im trying to find that balance between respecting her decision as she is an adult and trying to get her to at least consider the possibility that medication may help. Apart from feeling that she needs to do it herself she also said she felt numb on the tablets and whilst she was not miserable she wasn't happy either. I did suggest again she gets a medical opinion on this as I am sure there are many different meds and she only tried one but that another one might be a better fit for her. Im just really struggling with wanting to help and respect that its ultimately her decision. It is just so hard to see this beautiful, bright girl struggle so much but I feel pushing wont help - I just feel helpless about how to help her get her life back.

RamblingGirl Supporting Friends
  • replies: 4

Hi. I am just looking for some advice regarding supporting a friend. He's been struggling with depression for years and has had suicide attempts previously, before I knew him. Unfortunately his family are very unsupportive of his struggles (they are ... View more

Hi. I am just looking for some advice regarding supporting a friend. He's been struggling with depression for years and has had suicide attempts previously, before I knew him. Unfortunately his family are very unsupportive of his struggles (they are "just get over it!" kind of people). He doesn't seem to have many supportive friends either and he won't talk to any mental health professionals, so it feels like it's just me who's trying to help him through this. And since we met online and live far from each other, I can only support him through texts/calls. For the last couple of months he has been much more hostile and critical of me with my attempts to support him - accusing me of being too positive, of lying when I say anything remotely positive about him (or anything, really). If I offer to provide a listening ear or advice he gets angry at me, and when I don't say anything he seems to be mad at me for doing nothing too. I feel like he wants me to say/do something but I don't know what. Yesterday he said some hurtful things and I knew I needed a break for my own mental health so I haven't messaged back. I want to reach out again, but I'm not sure how, or how long I should give him. And I feel so guilty for not having thicker skin, I know what he's going through is far worse but I've started to dread out conversations. And I'm so scared what he will do. Thanks for reading this, and thank you for any advice in advance.

Stressedoutmum HELP A MUM with a son with suicidal thoughts
  • replies: 5

My son 24 has autistic spectrum. Since he left school he has been turned down by employer after employer. Had only one good friend from school who suicided at age 19. Every time something happens in his life where he loses a friend or gets rejected, ... View more

My son 24 has autistic spectrum. Since he left school he has been turned down by employer after employer. Had only one good friend from school who suicided at age 19. Every time something happens in his life where he loses a friend or gets rejected, I become anxious as he goes on a downward spiral and I have to be on alert 24/7. He had not been able to make any new friends since. This stresses me out no end as I have been suffering from depression for the past 30 years. He can't get a girlfriend as he is too shy, quiet and a "nice guy" overall. Just 2 weeks ago I was over the moon because he met a girl who seemed to be on the same page as him. They got on so well and has just tonight she has broken up with him because "he does not have self confidence". Once again I am unable to eat whilst I have to be on full alert as he is in the other room crying. And I am writing this crying He has no job, no friends and he says he's useless. I cannot do this anymore, it's taking a toll on me.

Violet12 Partner with health anxiety/panic disorder, maybe agoraphobia. Anyone else?
  • replies: 4

Just looking to hear from others in similar situations with their partners. My partner has an anxiety disorder, disagnosed as health anxiety. His anxiety is completely focused around fear of his own bodily sensations, almost exclusively about chest p... View more

Just looking to hear from others in similar situations with their partners. My partner has an anxiety disorder, disagnosed as health anxiety. His anxiety is completely focused around fear of his own bodily sensations, almost exclusively about chest palpitations and pains and fear of heart attack. He has frequent panic attacks, and has for many years. I convinced him to start medication a while ago and it helped a lot for a while but lately maybe due to being shut indoors due to covid, it's worse again. I'm trying to encourage, gently, for him to start therapy. He is resistant, on good days saying he will, on bad days saying it won't work. He is doing his best, I know it. I wish I could take away all of his anxiety, but I can't. Many days, when I not9cebhe is reaching for medication a lot to cope, is maybe not showering, is monitoring his heart, and generally really anxious, I have noticed my own body getting all tense and stressed, my mind having trouble focusing on whatever I was doing, etc. So I started therapy recently to help me deal with that and manage my response and my stress levels. I'd really love to hear from other partners in similar situations. Just to commiserate. It's really hard sometimes. Its heart breaking when he says he hates his life or wishes he was normal. It's bittersweet on good days when he talks about his goals and dreams and 'one day'. And it's hard to know for myself where the line is between his feelings and mine. I don't want to feel stressed and consumed along with him. It does nothing to help, and it makes me feel awful. I'd love tips on this too. All the best