Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Here we go again

replies: 28

In September last year my partner (who has a history of mental illness) stopped talking to me out of the blue. After several long weeks of very minimal communication she started talking again, and she told me she’d been completely overwhelmed by starting a new job and she’d shut down. Things got better and we started communicating and spending time together again. We didn’t talk in depth about what had happened, but over the last few months have had conversations about her mental health which has been a huge step. Once again she’s stopped talking to me, but did send me a message to say I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was going ok, giving her space, until today. At the moment I am scared because I really have no idea what’s going on. Although I know that this isn’t about me, it’s still upsetting and I have my moments where I feel totally devastated. I’m going on with my life as best I can, and have support, but I’m limited in what I tell other people as many just think I should leave... something I don’t want to do.

Supporting someone who is not acknowledging they have a problem

replies: 3

Hi, Been with partner for 30+ years 7 years ago (2014), husband had major problems with our 16 yr old daughter, resulting in her moving out, and a hellish time for all concerned. He was verbally abusive to her and at times quite physical. He has an aggressive tone of voice naturally, and uses it harshly, often. When she was about 8 yrs old, he completed a positive parenting course at my suggestion, as I felt he needed it as part of an anger management strategy. I cant now remember what prompted those thoughts, but he was obviously not in control of his temper, even back then (16 yrs ago). Since 2014, he has been increasingly depressed. He is inactive, does no exercise, does no chores, doesnt work on his hobbies or dreams. Totally lethargic. Has multiple issues with relationships, has lost most jobs he has had due to relationship issues. Currently, he is under investigation, and may lose his career, having already lost his job (he found another job, so is still working full time, but does nothing at all outside of work). The stress of this investigation is pushing him to the limit. It has been ongoing for some months, and has been hugely stressful for both of us. He treats me like he hates me. We cant discuss anything as he is always on a hair trigger, talks over me, raises his voice and/or storms off. He blames me for everything. I represent chores and bills and responsibility, and he hates me for it. I take care of everything in the household. I think it possible that he has BPD, but at the very least severe depression. He resists any treatment, and resents me suggesting it, says I gaslight him. I persuaded him to get a psychology referral, but he has to wait months for an appointment. And then what's the point, if he's not up for treatment, then it wont help. I have just been diagnosed with cancer. He decided he needed to go off camping. Left the house at 1am whilst I was on night shift, deleted facebook, and has not contacted me and let me know anything at all. I only know where he is as he has contacted my daughter. His behaviour is becoming increasingly erratic and alarming, just at the time when I need support. My anxiety levels are very high, I do not need this right now. I do not know what to do next. He doesnt value anything I say, as apparently I am out to get him. So many stories of crazy things he has said and done, I just want to cry.

Troubled Son Trigger warning - self harm

replies: 2

Hi.I feel lost,hurt and helpless as to what to do about my 20 year old son.He was living with us about a year ago.Everything seemed to be fine at home then he got very depressed and was saying he wants to commit suicide. Started harming himself,going in and out of the mental hospital,abusing the staff there.Going out in public with weapons and harming himself Infront of people.A year before all this he was breaking into houses.He broke into his GreatGrandmothers house and stole his Uncle's car plus heaps of others I probably others i don't know about. I use to drink when he was young not every day but catching up with friends probably a couple of times a week.Ive apologized to him for any hurt and pain I've caused him in the past.He sent me a msg the other day saying he hated me ,if I ever try and contact him again he is going to murder me.He wishes I was dead etc.I haven't replied to him.I feel deep down afraid of him and feel he isn't mentally stable.He is obsessed with weapons and Carries them around.I just feel so upset ,hurt and worried.Thanks for reading.

Advice for my gf Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts and self harm

replies: 2

Hi, first time poster here, let me start by saying thank you to all you beautiful people for helping where you can! It's so nice to see My gf (23) and I (25) have been together 5+ years and we have recently decided to buy a house together. In the past 5 years she has told me about her mental illnesses and her lack of control over them or even understanding. She would have panic attacks rarely, I only saw 1 and it was short. Nothing ever seemed out of control until recently, and now she won't get through a week without having a 'bad day' where she cant do anything, constantly on the verge of balling her eyes out, and unfortunately self harming. This is all made worse by alcohol, which she says helps, which it might short term but not in the long run. She is on anti-depressants, smokes weed regularly, however she eats relatively healthy. When she is having a bad day I can't even talk to her because she just cries the second I talk, which then turns into LOUD wailing and ramblings of suicidal thoughts, followed by hyperventilating and tensing up. It's very stressful for me, but I do my best to comfort her, nothing seems to help, she eventually will calm down after a few hours but doesn't recover for a day or 2. I can't barely get any information about it from her as talking about it sets her off. I know she had a traumatic childhood but she has talked about that fine, and has a good relationship with her mother. I suggest seeing a psychologist but she says it's a waste of money and refuses. She isn't realistic when she is like this and denies any help from professionals. She thinks it might be PTSD/BPD, I agree... but I just don't know what to do, if she won't accept help from me or anyone what are my options? Is it bad to tell her mother? I know she wouldn't want me to but I'm out of ideas. When she is having a good day she thinks she doesn't need to see a doctor and that everything is fine. Just needed to vent a bit I think, but ANY advice is greatly appreciated. I'm afraid one day I will come home and she will be dead, and I will wish I did more to help. Has anyone been in a similar position? Sorry for the long thread, I love this girl and I'm determined to see her happy!

Kicked stepson out - how to help him when he doesn't see there's a problem

replies: 2

My 21yo stepson has had depression and anger issues most of his life. He had counselling when he was younger but nothing since he turned 15. Hubby and I both have depression and are treated with medication, counselling and self-help. For the past year stepson has done very little around the house. He works nights so we don't ask much of him. Maybe 30min here and there. Each time we ask him to lift his game a bit he stops talking to us for 2weeks. His idea of reconciliation is to buy his dad some takeaway for lunch, but there's never any attempt to fix what caused him to stop talking to us in the first place. So over time I've stopped talking to him because every time I do he cracks it again and I'm too exhausted with my 4yo, hubby's depression, my own depression, being pregnant and having chronic fatigue syndrome. I have no energy left to help someone who refuses to help himself. We've tried numerous times to talk to him and see if he wants us to make a dr appointment for him but he keeps insisting nothing is wrong. But he then turns around and says we never listen to him which is frustrating because he doesn't talk. After an argument yesterday about him refusing to help his dad, hubby told him to pack his stuff and get out. He's now living in his car and blaming hubby for everything. We don't know what to do. We've said he can come back home on the condition he gets help because we can't keep living like this. He doesn't seem to see he has any problems. He's driven away a lot of his friends which to us is a red flag on his behaviour and attitude and it not just being us that sees there's a problem. what should we do? Im also conscious that I need to look after myself given I'm pregnant and have my own health and mental problems.

CARER FOR RELATIVE

replies: 10

My "Not Real Name" is Mathias. I am a 67 yr old male who is caring for my 94 year old Uncle. He has only returned recently from 3 weeks in respite care following rehab from a shingles infection on the right side of his temple and face. I have had him assessed and approved by ACAS for funding of a medium care package. I was told that funding will take 6-12 months to come through. In the interim I have approval for some services such as Meals on Wheels, Cleaning, and Showering 3 times weekly. I have also managed to set up direct debit payment for his bills which takes the worry off his shoulders. All of these services do help but I am wondering if there are any other people in a similar position that can offer me some advice regarding in-home-care to help free up some time for myself. I would appreciate any advice that can help me to to do this.

Depression or Abuse?

replies: 3

My husband and I have been married for 18 months and it’s the second marriage for both of us. In April last year my husband lost his job and hasn’t worked (or tried very hard to find work) since. Since that time he has shown every sign of a mental health illness ie weight gain, not getting out of bed, never happy, irritability, anger, aggression, negative talk, irrational, unreasonable, picking fights, we walk on eggshells etc etc. I have continually asked him to speak to a professional and 9 months ago we started couples counselling - it was AWFUL. He wasn’t open to ever hearing my side of conflicts and would blow up whenever the Psych asked more in-depth questions of him. I also encouraged him to speak to someone individually - he attended 2 sessions and never returned. Of late his anger, aggression and overreactions have gotten significantly worse where they are effecting mine and my kids mental health. I know that his behaviour is not ok. If i point that out to him, he says I’m not supportive or compassionate and that I’m a bad wife and he is done with the marriage. He refuses to acknowledge his behaviour or seek further treatment ie GP, Medication, Psych appointments How much of his behaviour is likely to be as a result of undiagnosed depression or is it time for my kids and I to move on?

Suicidal son

replies: 3

Hey, my 25 year old son who's been talking about having nothing to live for for about two months, just told me he got drunk and tried suiciding. He said he left his body and was pulled back by negative, selfish entities like me. How am I meant to respond to that??? Do I call the mental health line where they respond by taking him to a mental facility? He's been there twice before for pychosis. He refuses to engage in medication or therapy. Both times he's come out guarded and angry. Does anyone know a better way?

Husband periodically but seriously depressed

replies: 10

I am once again going through what I like to refer to as my husbands quarterly depression. As that sentence suggests, this happens several times a year. We’ve been married for 12 years. In the beginning, this didn’t happen, or he was able to conceal it. It wasn’t until we were married for 3 or 4 years I started to notice it. I now realise it is part of who he is. The problem is, when he gets like this, he acts as though he despises me. He can hardly stand to look at me, he speaks to me spitefully, says really nasty things, and nothing I say or do can help him. He fixates on something that is wrong with life and I have little influence trying to convince him that he’s view is a little warped. After 12 years, I know it will pass, eventually. But I can’t help feeling so so sad at being spoken to (sometimes in front of the kids) cruelly. And I have to admit to getting really fed up sometimes and lashing back. Like, I just feel deeply...sad. our lives are very busy. We volunteer for a church group, he is a senior professional, I work 2 jobs, we have two kids, my mother lives with us, his father has terminal cancer, and we are renovating our house. But this is something that was happening long before our lives got quite so full. He’s been working from home since March last year, he feels trapped. I empathise fully with that but it’s not like this depression started because of covid. I just hate the feeling that when he gets like this I’m an outsider. My opinion makes no difference. He honestly looks at me like he hates me. My encouragement doesn’t work. Most of all, I am a punching bag. Because he gets into this tunnel vision state where nobody really matters to him. im looking for a way to both support him but also protect myself from the deep hurt that I experience at being turned away from in bed, not being even looked in the eye for weeks on end, and if I try and help, I am verbally spat at for trying. I have my own anxiety issues that I am currently working hard to try and remediate. When he is not depressed, he is a really great guy. He works really hard, he’s smart and funny, looks after our kids really well, and we have a good time together. is there such a thing as seasonal depression?

Depressed partner has relapsed and I'm 30 weeks pregnant

replies: 3

I'm not entirely sure how to explain this so apologies if my words are a bit of a jumble. My partner has depression and has suffered from addiction (both drugs and alcohol). He was okay for the last four months or so however relapsed last week. I love him dearly and want to help him through this but his approach is forever changing. He is seeking professional help and most of the time is putting in a lot of work but then it flips and he says we may as well break up and he can go back to his past life. I'm also 30 weeks pregnant and worried that my current stress/anxiety is impacting the baby. I don't want to tell my family because I don't want them to think badly of him. I guess what I really want/need to know is if recovery from addiction is possible in people's experiences, particularly when his depression keeps leading him back to it. Thank you for reading.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Here we go again replies: 28

Supporting someone who is not acknowledging they have a problem replies: 3

Troubled Son *Trigger warning - self harm* replies: 2

Advice for my gf *Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts and self harm* replies: 2

Kicked stepson out - how to help him when he doesn't see there's a problem replies: 2

CARER FOR RELATIVE replies: 10

Depression or Abuse? replies: 3

Suicidal son replies: 3

Husband periodically but seriously depressed replies: 10

Depressed partner has relapsed and I'm 30 weeks pregnant replies: 3