Things you wish your depressed loved one did/said/addressed?

Aurora_B · ‎03-10-2020

I’m looking for responses from those supporting a loved one through depression, specifically a significant other.

I’m a sufferer and not a carer. I have had dysthymia my entire life but the Covid situation, and related life stressors, has sent me into a pretty serious depressive episode. I’m flat and disinterested in everything and unable to keep up a facade. I know that I am very different from my usual self and I worry how it’s impacting my partner.

I’d love if people could tell me things that they wish their depressed loved one did, or addressed, or said that would make them feel better. I’m acutely aware that me being disconnected and disinterested is going to make him feel terrible and I want to get perspectives from those in a similar situation to him.

I hope this is an appropriate thing to post here! I know that he feels uncomfortable talking to me about his wants and needs, because he feels like he needs to be supporting me. So, I’m hoping I can glean some little things I could do that could help him feel supported and seen too. Because that is important.

thanks!

smallwolf · ‎03-10-2020

Hi. I am speaking for myself here... I think the ability to engage with the other person is helpful. I am on your side of the fence as well - that is, the one with depression. Certain conversations are suggested by my psychologist and when I do get the have these with my wife, they start initially scary, only cause my thoughts are irrational but it helps me to get them out in the open. I found this helpful as I get some feedback from my partner. This is also something my partner wanted - for me to be more open.

Aurora_B · ‎04-10-2020

Hi smallwolf, thanks for sharing what works for you. I think it would be good for me to actively engage with him and be open about where I’m at and what I’m thinking. Even though that does seem daunting. For me it’s sometimes hard to remember that I look ‘normal’ even when my inner world is anything but. So communication is key I think. Thanks!

815 · ‎08-10-2020

Hi Aurora_B,

I have been reading your post over and over, wondering how to respond.

I am a 'carer'. And I am currently in a heartbreaking situation where my husband says that he can't get better while I am here. So my response right now comes from a deep place of hurt and sadness.

Although opening up about how you feel would of course help, I do really think that it doesn't even need to be that big.

For me, I think even the smallest action or the simplest words would make the world of difference to me right now. A simple hug, a kiss on the cheek. Reaching for my hand to hold. A text message to say hi, how are you? Maybe, in some ways, it would be the small things that you would advise your partner to do/say for you when you are in the depths of your depression. Just something small to show that you still care, but are just in a really bad place right now. Some hope to know that after it all, you will come back to your loved one.

I hope that helps. And I think it is really sweet of you to be asking how you can support your partner in this. Because often times we feel very sad and alone too.

Wife_Lil · ‎08-10-2020

As my husband says, "It's about him, and I don't understand." It seems to be a complex thing, that happens for many different reasons. I feel useless, and sad I guess, when there is a problem that can't be solved. My love hasn't changed. I am fortunate because when my husband is really bad, after a rant for awhile, once the storm passes, usually a few hours, it's just exhaustion I feel. Frustrated when I try to convince him otherwise, it falls on deaf ears, and lost, because it is like living with a friend now, intimacy has gone. But, a I believe through it all, there will be better times ahead. I see some people are a lot worse off though. Being isolated, and not socializing, it is lonely at times.

Aurora_B · ‎09-10-2020

Hi 815,

Thanks for sharing this! I’m so sorry you are in such a heartbreaking situation. Depression is such a beast and sometimes it’s hard to tell if it’s the depression talking or actually how someone actually feels. I worry a lot about lack of intimacy, because for me that desire was the first thing to go and I know it must be hard on my partner. I just want to fold into myself and not be touched. Depression for me feels like nausea, in the way when you are nauseous being touched by someone is the last thing you want and you just want to be left alone until it passes.

thank you for your suggestions! I actually think that’s the way to go, to keep a spark of normalcy. I got up early and made him a coffee before work today, even though it was like climbing Everest haha. And I will make a point to send texts asking how he is and saying that I appreciate him. And just giving him a hug or hand squeeze, or anything, to remind him I am still here. It’s hard because my feelings about him haven’t changed, I just can’t access them normally when I’m like this and I can’t find the life force to give him what he deserves. I know it must be so hard on him.

Thanks again for your comment, I hope you are doing as well as you can be

romantic_thi3f · ‎09-10-2020

Hi Aurora_B,

Thanks for your post. I'm both (yipee).

From both sides, communication has always been key- and I say it like a broken record because I'm not sure how we would have survived without being able to really talk to each other. I'm more of a talker than my partner, and more in touch with how I feel and what I need (probably because of years of therapy!), so that's easier for me. Sometimes though, those conversations look like "I just want to stay inside today" or "It's nice if you just sit here with me".

I think the other part of it is that it stops us from getting too disconnected, because from my end I get into the habit of thinking that he doesn't want to hear about it because I'm sad and not fun to be around, and on his end, it becomes a habit because he keeps to himself and doesn't let me in (because he doesn't think to or doesn't know what to say).

Is there a way you can ask your husband how this is affecting him? Or what might help him? He can be supporting you + getting his needs met too - they can both co-exist.

I hope this helps a little bit 🙂

rt

geoff · ‎09-10-2020

Hello Aurora_B, a warm welcome and appreciate the replies from those above me.

What you have is not an easy question to answer for some, simply because my reply would largely depend on the day and how I would be feeling, so what maybe the best answer may not be the same another day, let me think about it if that's possible.

Take care.

Geoff.

Gypsy70 · ‎09-10-2020

Oh yes, I agree so much with this. Just a tiny little piece of acknowledgement - a text message, a touch. I feel like screaming "just throw me a bone"!!!!

815 · ‎02-11-2020

HI Aurora_B,

I know it's been some time since you replied to my post. I just wanted to say thank you as well for your reply. It gives me a little bit of insight into what my husband may be feeling. I guess I need to be patient and let him work through his issues and just be here when he is ready.

Take care.