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Help to support a partner with depression
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16-10-2020
10:42 AM
Hey there, my fionce has depression and he is in another depressive stage ( i am not sure what the technical term is for this). He claims he is exhausted both mentally and physically. Exhausted from waking up early every day to go to work and emotionally exhausted because of fights he has with me. We haven't had an argument in a long while but he goes to sleep quite angry or sad many nights whether that be because i try to talk to him about his depression or try my best to offer support or reassuring words. Sometimes i figure it's best to not say anything but even then he thinks i am mad at him when i go quiet and then gets angry or hurt thinking i am angry at him even when i say i am not.
When i try to bring up his depression there's often a sense of denial or offense is taken - how dare you say i am not my normal self today or the last couple of days? when i simply try to bring up his symptoms. I feel quite often there is no real winning on what i should be doing. He doesn't like to tell me how he is feeling or will just say the bare minimum "im tired" or blame me for his anger, sadness or irritation. This is so difficult as i end up thinking what did i do wrong or what could i have done differently. Deep down i know it's not my fault his upset but hearing it continuously is very difficult.
He has become very distant - doesn't want to talk to me, no affection, sleeping badly, eating badly and sometimes looks quite lifeless. I love him more than anything but i don't know how to support him. I often ask him what can i do to help you? but the response is always "i don't know" - while frustrating i don't think he really knows what triggers him or what can help him. He is very against counselling and it can be expensive so i think that's a huge deterrent.
Sorry for the rant, i am feeling very overwhelmed and i don't know what i should be doing to love and support him through his bad days. Any tips please?
When i try to bring up his depression there's often a sense of denial or offense is taken - how dare you say i am not my normal self today or the last couple of days? when i simply try to bring up his symptoms. I feel quite often there is no real winning on what i should be doing. He doesn't like to tell me how he is feeling or will just say the bare minimum "im tired" or blame me for his anger, sadness or irritation. This is so difficult as i end up thinking what did i do wrong or what could i have done differently. Deep down i know it's not my fault his upset but hearing it continuously is very difficult.
He has become very distant - doesn't want to talk to me, no affection, sleeping badly, eating badly and sometimes looks quite lifeless. I love him more than anything but i don't know how to support him. I often ask him what can i do to help you? but the response is always "i don't know" - while frustrating i don't think he really knows what triggers him or what can help him. He is very against counselling and it can be expensive so i think that's a huge deterrent.
Sorry for the rant, i am feeling very overwhelmed and i don't know what i should be doing to love and support him through his bad days. Any tips please?
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16-10-2020
11:43 AM
Hi HopefulMary,
Welcome to the forums.
I read your post and it only felt like I had written those exact words. I wish I had some words of wisdom, some advice or some tips on how to navigate the world of supporting a family member through depression. If anything, please know that you are not alone, there are many others here who will try to provide support and encouragement, and hopefully some words of advice that may help.
It is very overwhelming. So I can only suggest that you also find ways to support yourself as what I've realised as each day passes is that if we want to remain strong enough to support our loved ones through this, we also need to take care of ourselves.
Stay strong. And stay hopeful. Keep posting here if it helps.
