Boyfriend of 5 years Depressed, Anxious, Unemployed & I’m providing everything

[Caitlin371]

My partner has been diagnosed with depression & anxiety and has been on medication for a month. He was spiralling in every way for 6 + months & refusing to take accountability & get help, I was suffering living with him feeling like I was on egg shells. I had tried every possible approach to help (even looking on here,speaking to my own therapist)& nothing worked until I threatened to break up with him unless he got help.

Well, he got help. But after a week he wanted to get back at me & threatened to break up with me if I didn’t cut back on work (I run my own business & was going through a crazy busy growth period where I will admit, work had my attention, not him).I ended up hiring someone in order to show him how I prioritise him & need to make a change w work.

Anyway, over the last month he’s been off work (quit his horrible job thank god, just hasn’t found a new one). I know he’s scared to start something new,he also wants to study, as he’s started &changed so many times.

Over the last month I have also felt an incredible lack of disconnect from him. Little to no intimacy, up gaming til early hours of the morning then sleeping all day while I’m stressed running my business from home. For a while I began to feel used providing for a very comfortable lifestyle while he made no changes to improve himself.

In the mix we’ve had several arguments re connection. My partner has also questioned our relationship, mentioned he feels disconnected too, feels we’re not compatible & has cut back on making time for us,even hugs/kisses/saying I love you. He is unsure what’s causing the disconnect &problems (the depression and lack of accountability to work on himself, then work on us.Acknowledges it but refuses to agree to work on it together, cause apparently it’s a doomed relationship if you need that in the 1st place. i want to work through this & be there for him.

I know that I will instantly feel better when I see him being accountable, trying to apply for jobs, enrolling for the course he wants to do & actually getting a job, so I’m not spending thousands providing for him anymore.He needs routine & structure as these serious fragments in our relationship have come into play during his depression & late night gaming & unemployment.

I need to know where he stands with me & what future he sees with me,as I don’t want to be a fool that paid for a mans 6 wks off while I busted my ass working growing my biz. Whenever I ask, he says “I don’t know”. Not very reassuring.

[geoff]

Hello Caitlin, and a warm welcome.

There seem to be a couple of issues from what you've told us, although I'm not a qualified doctor, but it's difficult to expand your business while hoping your partner decides that he needs help, while realising that playing the games he wants to do late at night is not going to help the situation as a couple but pass the time by himself.

If his depression and anxiety is not being treated then to join a course or find any work at this present time won't be easy and to believe that the relationship is doomed may only be this illness making him say this, however, if he says 'he wanted to get back at me' is not something anyone suffering from MI would say unless that's what they mean.

I appreciate you want to help him but he has to decide if that's what he needs to do as difficult as it maybe, but your priorities are with your business and getting the help you need and support.

Have you thought about separating and would this help you.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Caitlin371]

Thanks so much for replying. I have thought about it, I’m really torn. We have been together for five years, live together and all. It’s hard because he’s not making any effort for himself or our relationship. I’m really torn.

[samsara11]

Hi Caitlin

From the outside, this looks like you doing all the work and having all the compassion and him not really trying at all. From experience I know that trying to help someone/being there for them doesn't mean that they will appreciate you now or ever. You could well be just wasting your time and supporting him while he ends up resenting you for expecting more of him. Sounds like he has a self esteem issue too and men with self esteem issues are not good to be in a relationship with, because it will always be your fault, even their issues.

I don't like to say 'leave' but I would seriously consider it as it sounds like you are giving and not getting much back. My litmus test for anything now is "am I happy?" and "is this relationship making me feel good about myself?"