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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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white knight Tolerant partners
  • replies: 11

There's no denying it, a partner with mental illness needs tolerance. The more tolerance the smoother life will be. Unfortunately, empathy isnt an individuals priority. It's normal to think of yourself first for you carry your body around not your pa... View more

There's no denying it, a partner with mental illness needs tolerance. The more tolerance the smoother life will be. Unfortunately, empathy isnt an individuals priority. It's normal to think of yourself first for you carry your body around not your partners, you do so many tasks without your partner present...so focussing on yourself has to be ok. And that is amplified by the one who has the mind issues for we are not only trying to carry out the bare basics of living chores, we are battling our demons. So where is there room for our partners? Do we contribute enough to feed their needs of love comfort, enjoyment and care? Maybe not. And if not, what can we do to compensate as insurance they will hang around. Our partners deserve love care and enjoyment. But there we are with our special needs, extra sleep, moodiness, frustration medications with their side effects of zombiness! It all adds up to more work for your partner. A lonely existence at times. I visited a new GP once. After the general info about my conditions he turned to my wife "and how are you travelling"? One of my suggestions is to... "grease the cherry tree" Thats an old saying but it means to prime your partners needs to avoid conflict. A revamp of effort every few weeks will keep the mechanisms of your unit in good shape...kind of reward for those extra bits of effort your partner has put in. And you will benefit to. A candle lit dinner, words of appreciation, a surprise day out that could be a simple picnic. What about offering to be a caddy when he plays golf? Or cheering her when she plays basketball? Your presence is gold. Too impossible? You'll need to wait until you are on the upside of a depressive cycle'just the time to spring into action! The ideas can be endless. One friend of mine with anxiety plays a game of Monopoly every week. Its what her partner loves to do. It unites them. No phones, no TV, no distractions. After the game he tells her of his appreciation for her patience and also asks her what plans she has for the coming weekend. The proviso with plans is always that you'll be well enough to participate. But you can live your lives with a mental illness together in relative harmony rolling with the waves of disruption far better with empathy from both sides. The "well" partner sacrifices an enormous amount of extra effort to get out of the relationship their own needs Try to supply them what you can to make their life enjoyable. Its part of "loving" Tony WK

pvroom Advice / support needed for wife of husband
  • replies: 3

Hi, I've used this forum a long time ago and found it very helpful. My husband has moderate depression and over the past years it has gotten worse. He also has worsening anxiety. He is ADHD and autistic, extremely well educated and we have two kids w... View more

Hi, I've used this forum a long time ago and found it very helpful. My husband has moderate depression and over the past years it has gotten worse. He also has worsening anxiety. He is ADHD and autistic, extremely well educated and we have two kids who are both autistic, bright and very challenging! We have recently been able to greatly increase the level of support at home which has been fantastic, with an almost full time nanny to support me. He is in the early stages of a PhD and is also facing some physical pain at the moment with the reoccurrence of an old injury so sitting to work is hard. I'm trying to support him by being understanding and offering my high level organisation skills to book appointments etc but he is very resistant to do anything. He continues to propose that all he needs is more time to himself and it will all be fine. I'm beginning to get a bit resentful as I have my own mental health to manage, which is fine but is the result of hard work at improving my health and a lot of personal growth. I am a bit worried for him and for our children. I've mentioned this to the GP and his parents but no one is really doing anything. Together we signed up to a free online course but he hasn't been able to do any of it due to the mental barrier. I really feel he needs medication but the GP says only the psychiatrist can prescribe given he is on ADHD meds. Next appointment over a month away... Any ideas of what I can do to support him? I have spent the past 3+ years just waiting for him to help himself but I can't keep doing this

ZoeS123 Do people going through a depressive episode want company?
  • replies: 3

Hi all, I have a very good friend going through a depressive episode at the moment. It has been over 3 weeks since it started - while he's been very slack with communication, he has previously indicated he wouldn't mind if I went over to his house wh... View more

Hi all, I have a very good friend going through a depressive episode at the moment. It has been over 3 weeks since it started - while he's been very slack with communication, he has previously indicated he wouldn't mind if I went over to his house where he lives alone, but at other times he has said he wants space, so I'm not sure how many more times to ask if he'd like some company? I've read that it's very hard for men to admit they need help, so maybe I should just tell him I'm coming over instead of asking. I'd just like to go and help with cooking food, laundry, general company etc but don't want to feel like I'm not wanted, or would hate for him to feel insecure/weak if I help do those household chores for him. NB: he lives 1.5 hours away from me so I won't be able to just pop by, it would have to be a dedicated trip. TIA for any help

RJE2806 Partner gone off medication, become distant and doesn't love me
  • replies: 4

My girlfriend of 2 years (living together for 1.5 yrs) has depression and aniexty (i think she may have bpd aswell not diagnosed) she stopped taking her medication just out of no where, this is when she started saying she didnt love me anymore and wa... View more

My girlfriend of 2 years (living together for 1.5 yrs) has depression and aniexty (i think she may have bpd aswell not diagnosed) she stopped taking her medication just out of no where, this is when she started saying she didnt love me anymore and wanted space, i wasn't sure what to think we were so close and planning a future together. She has gone off her medication before and had the same reaction and the struggles to control her emotions, to the point where she has left a note and been threatening suicide on a few occasions. I have involded her sisters before never her parents as they are both alcoholics and she doent want to be around them especially when she is the way she is. She's told me not to contact her family at all otherwise she'll "end it" not sure if she means suicide or us. I dont want eother of those to happen, but if she needs to be on her own then id rather end our relationship. I have suggested seeing her go or going to therapy because she doesnt want medication as she says she feels numb, but that always turns into her thinking im calling her crazy. I'm so confused what to do i am really struggling. I am reluctant to contzct her sisters about it again. This time is the longest it has gone on, it started around march whcih was around the same time that her house that she owned with her ex had finally settled and she had bought him out. She's bought a bed to stay there as she wanted space. I wasn't okay on the inside but told her i supported her if she wanted space shes now buying a lounge and TV. She has distanced herself from me more and more. She still has all her stuff here and spends time here but shes being here less and less. Not replying to calls or messages and making excuses when she finally does respond. Shes always on her phone messaging which also makes me paranoid about cheating on me. My friend also found her on a matchmaking app. Which i confronted her about and she denied it even though i had been shown it to her. I want to support her as i love her but shes just turned on me out of the blue. I don't know what to do anymore I'm at at the point where its breaking me and i dont know what to do or who to talk to.

keej21 one big mental health mess
  • replies: 2

Hi guys, Im new to all this speaking out and talking about feelings etc, but I guess im just looking for someone who is in the same if not similar situation. I am from the UK im the only one from my family over here, so as u can imagine im all alone ... View more

Hi guys, Im new to all this speaking out and talking about feelings etc, but I guess im just looking for someone who is in the same if not similar situation. I am from the UK im the only one from my family over here, so as u can imagine im all alone despite maybe having a few friends but not my go to ones. I have always been a worrier and developed anxiety and depression in 2017 after my nan died, I was one of her main careers and she passed on my way to the airport for England. This hit me hard and this is when i started showing mental health issues. Anyway fast forward to today......my partner also has mental health issues and has been hospitalised previously, she has been diagnosed with BPD as well as depression and anxiety. Doctors now think she could be autistic. This doesn't bother me as we are both in the healthcare industry and she has a son who has ADHD and autism traits. life is very hectic and due to covid it hasn't been pleasant. I'm struggling to support my partner to meet her needs aswell as trying to keep it together myself. Her meltdowns are very extreme and can become violent to the point where I'm scared to even say anything or do anything that's going to start it off, she also becomes verbally nasty which sets my mental health off. I'm really at a lost end and feel like I cant talk to anyone. I'm also concerned about my mental health deteriorating and I also think that there's more to my mental health as to just anxiety and depression. Anyone else in a similar situation with a partner who has BPD with relationship struggles? How do you do it?

Kara107 Not sure how to help a friend
  • replies: 1

My friend has been dealing with depression for a number of years now and I am unsure how to help her without coming across as being pushy or making her feel worse than she already does. She has tried using online resources but did not find them to be... View more

My friend has been dealing with depression for a number of years now and I am unsure how to help her without coming across as being pushy or making her feel worse than she already does. She has tried using online resources but did not find them to be helpful, and I am unable to get her to make an appointment with her GP to get a mental health plan, let alone get her to talk to a professional. I have broached the topic of suicide with her as she recently had a break-up and I was concerned that she is having suicidal thoughts. She told me that she is, but I don’t believe her to be in any immediate danger to herself at this stage. She also lives in a different state to me, so I am unable to physically spend time with her to check in on how she is doing. If anyone has any suggestions of how I can help my friend who doesn’t seem to want to help herself, it would be greatly appreciated.

cake-o-saurus Friend can't promise me he is safe, should I tell his partner?
  • replies: 2

Hi guys! Please read the whole thing before replying. Facing a moral dilemma: A friend with strong, active suicidal ideation is dreading Monday. He may be sent to prison. He believes that if he is then his life will be over as he will have a criminal... View more

Hi guys! Please read the whole thing before replying. Facing a moral dilemma: A friend with strong, active suicidal ideation is dreading Monday. He may be sent to prison. He believes that if he is then his life will be over as he will have a criminal record and will never work again. I tried to convince him that SOME people will be willing to hire him, and not just manual labour, but truth be told I know it WILL be tough for him. I think he knows that he is overestimating how bad it will be but at the same time he sort of hates his life right now anyway, so I am not sure he is convinced he has much to live for anyway. He doesn't really talk to anyone but me about his suicidal thoughts. He is secretive, I only found out because I came to stay with him after an attempt at his life. I have a history of suicide attempts & put him at ease and now he talks to me about it. We check in pretty regularly with each other. I am friends with his husband a really LOVELY guy, but he believes that talking about the thoughts makes them worse. Nothing I could say convinced him otherwise. My friend has tried talking to him before, but it doesn't usually go well. I made plans with him on Saturday cause he says he can't really hang out with anyone but his husband, since noone else knows about this situation. Unfortunately his husband has a huge exam on the Sunday. I offered to help make the most of his possible last weekend of freedom. He said he would try his best not to kill himself before then. After Saturday I will probably check in with him on Sunday but it's getting to that point where I feel like I really have to consider going against his will to keep him safe. He lives with his husband and I could easily tell him that I am worried that he will do something. But I really don't want to betray my friend's trust. Right now I am the only one he can talk to about suicide, and I just don't want to isolate him further. My friend will probably never call a service like lifeline, he doesn't want to be safe, he WANTS to die. But I am considering on Saturday telling his husband. I am worried that it will put strain on the marriage as his husband is likely to resent my friend for having this issue right when he has this big exam. I know it sounds cruel but their relationship is complicated. What would you do in this situation?

Candlelight_vigil Don't know what to do anymore
  • replies: 2

Hello. I'm new to this and am looking for help. My son has been suffering from depression for many years now and despite all the treatment options we have explored- G.P., psychologist, psychiatrist, anti depressants, anti psychotics, ECT, ...you name... View more

Hello. I'm new to this and am looking for help. My son has been suffering from depression for many years now and despite all the treatment options we have explored- G.P., psychologist, psychiatrist, anti depressants, anti psychotics, ECT, ...you name it, nothing has helped. I suggest he has treatment resistant depression. He has previously attempted suicide 3 times. He is currently at an all time low and is saying he has had enough and just wants to switch off.. permanently. I have been fighting for him and with him to keep him alive but feel I am losing the battle. I don't know what to do anymore. Would appreciate any help that you have to offer.

dylhole Best friend with bpd and depression just attempted suicide twice
  • replies: 2

I guess this is the correct place to post this. My best friend (19f) has been diagnosed with BPD and depression for a long time, has been hospitalised before but it was before we reconnected and got so close. She has a history of self harm and is a d... View more

I guess this is the correct place to post this. My best friend (19f) has been diagnosed with BPD and depression for a long time, has been hospitalised before but it was before we reconnected and got so close. She has a history of self harm and is a dangerous mix of anorexic and bolemic when shes at her lowest. Unbeknownst to me on tuesday night after having a very normal conversation she attempted to take her own life, was hospitalised and released to go back home. She told me 2 days later after going AWOL she was hospitalised but I didnt fully comprehend why, she said she was ok and if anything I was glad she was still here. A couple hours later she then attempted her life again and is now locked in a hospital psych ward. On sunday night we spoke about me struggling to see the point and needing to start working towards getting better which I have neglected for too long which is entirely true. I just hope to god I havnt been the catalyst for this with talk of hopelessness and loneliness. I think I might be in shock because I feel no different to any other normal day. My best friend has tried to leave this world twice in the span of 2 days and Im not feeling anything. Im going to work to be as strong for her as possible and id like any tips on trying to be constructive or helpful when im drawing blanks trying to find anything to say. I just really want her to feel like shes not alone but I dont know how to do that for a person who is talking to me like they have really given up living. Thanks in advance. You will probably be seeing me around the forums a bit in the future.

Alee123 Partner ended our relationship and I’m terrified he will commit suicide
  • replies: 2

My partner has severe depression and anxiety, and most likely bipolar that we’ve been fighting for months now to be diagnosed. Over the past 4 years he has isolated himself from everyone he knows. He doesn’t leave the house anymore. I’m only 27 and I... View more

My partner has severe depression and anxiety, and most likely bipolar that we’ve been fighting for months now to be diagnosed. Over the past 4 years he has isolated himself from everyone he knows. He doesn’t leave the house anymore. I’m only 27 and I’ve been caring for him for a long time. He has even isolated himself at home and hides in the garage. He stays up all night and sleeps through the day. He hasn’t worked for about 7 months. We see a GP and psychologist, but it’s not helping. We’ve had several referrals for more help but no long term plan has been put in place. He has been suicidal previously and is currently in a desperation. He has decided to end our relationship. I also believe it’s inevitable that this was going to happen, however I am so scared that he’s isolating himself to the point that he feels he can go through with suicide. We have no family near us, but I have let them know what’s going on and they are ready to help when needed. But I feel like I have sole responsibility for his safety. We’ve been together for 9 years. He plans to move to another city by himself and this scares me because he can’t be alone. I’m currently working from home because of his situation. At the moment he isn’t in acute need of urgent care, but I’m scared he’s making plans even though he tells me he isn’t. We are still living together while we both sort out where we go from here. Is there anything else I can do to ensure his safety? I’ve told his GP about the situation too.