Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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How can I help my mum who seems to have given up on everything?

replies: 2

Hi all, My mum is a long-term depression sufferer who's been frequently in and out of hospital for 8 years and has received every treatment that our doctors can possibly think of (including medicinal canabis). Nothing seems to work. On top of medications and extreme treatments, doctors continue to encourage her to regularly exercise, meditate and try other natural therapies that they are confident will help, but she refuses to attempt. I've attempted countless times to motivate her to exercise and meditate (I personally find it very helpful). My dad and brother have done the same. I completely understand that her condition makes these actions seem impossible, while I can't begin to understand what's going on inside her head. I'm 26 now and I miss my mum and I just want her back. I've been living out of home for several years now and I travel 2 hours home once a month to see my parents and I'm always overcome with sadness seeing her sitting on the couch, unable to hold much of a conversation. Sadness gradually turns to anger and frustration knowing that there are actions she can take to try and help herself, but refuses. Again I know this is not her fault, but I love her and need her back. My concern shifts to my dad who feels like he doesn't have his wife anymore. He dreams of travelling Australia with her but she has no motivation to. She was incredible when I was younger at planning our family holidays - she loved it. Dad's had a couple of breakdowns and I see the strain on him every time I go home. Next year I'm planning on doing my own trip around Oz with my partner but I'm too concerned about leaving them alone together. I'm ready to have a real deep conversation with Mum. One that I've never had before. I feel like I need her to see how it's effecting me. I want to actually plan a light exercise routine where I can coach her along because I know this will have some kind of positive impact. I'd love to get some advice on how to approach this conversation. Will this direct approach be too damaging? What would be the right things to say to someone in this mental position? She's incredibly stubborn but would an exercise routine where I shower her with encouragement help her? Any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated

Romantic feelings for guy best friend (who has anxiety/depression)

replies: 2

Hi there, I need advice. So I've been best friends with this guy for about a year now. We talk to each other everyday, get along super well, and I am 100% comfortable around him. Around 6 months ago I realised that I was developing romantic feelings for him but I didn't want to ruin out friendship, and I didn't know if he felt the same way (he can be shy). So 2 months ago I mustered up the courage to tell him how I felt. He told me he feels the same way, but because of his mental health he wasn't ready for anything more than friends. I had no idea he was dealing with anxiety/depression. On the outside he seemed like such a happy care-free guy, so it was a complete shock to me when he said this. I reassured him that I wouldn't tell anyone (he hasn't told many people), and that I was there for him. He kept saying he didn't want to disappoint me, or unload all of his heavy feelings/thoughts onto me. I comforted him and he opened up a little more (which I could see was physically difficult for him). We concluded that we would continue to stay friends. Since this chat (2 months ago) we have continued to stay close friends and nothing has changed in that sense, but we haven't talked about any of that deep stuff since then. I really want to be a supportive figure in his life for him to tell me when he was feeling down/sad/happy etc. I know I cant force him to tell me how he is really feeling, but I feel in the dark and I don't know what to do. I'm not sure whether to bring it up, or leave it until he is more comfortable with talking to me. I just want him to know that I am there for him and care for him. It's also really hard for me because those romantic feelings haven't just gone away, they are still there. Sometimes I struggle with over-thinking and self-doubt too about whether he genuinely likes me and actually feels the same way (or whether he only sees me as a friend as is just letting me down easily). I guess I'm craving reassurance, affection, love, all of those things he can't give me right now which is really hard. I've tried moving on, but I can't bring myself to because I know about how we both feel about each other and our potential to be something more... Please if anyone has any advice on what I should do that would be great. Thanks.

How to respond to adult child's fears

replies: 2

Hi all, Looking for some tips on how best to respond to my adult child's fears (female /21). Couple of examples are she has recently become obsessed with fear of being swooped by birds and of being bitten by a small house spider living in the laundry window frame. I genuinely do not know how to respond to these situations. My daughter wants me to remove the spider but I feel this would be enabling on my part as based on past experience she will replace the fear with a different one. I also don't want to make it worse by not removing it so don't know what to do, please help! She is also phobic in relation to thunderstorms and is scared in the kitchen e.g. lighting the stove or frying things. Her fears seem to be growing and I have no idea how to support her.

Supporting Depressed Partner Using Alcohol to Cope

replies: 5

Hi All, My partner experiences depressive patches here and there and when he is stressed or unhappy he drinks as a coping mechanism. He doesn't abuse alcohol daily and but more binge drinks and he has admitted to me 2 days ago that he feels like it's a problem he needs help with as he cannot control how much he drinks once he starts. He is currently working away and is very unhappy with the environment that he has to live in while he completes this job which is hopefull yonlu for another 2-3 weeks. He has to share a room with someone he doesn't like and this man snores loudly so he feels like he has to drink so he can get any sleep. He also suffers from social anxiety and the camp is overcrowded and has no alone time. The job itself has not gone to plan and as he is a contractor he is worried he is losing money and not getting anywhere. I want to know how I can help him and not add to his woes and how I can nudge/assist him in getting the binge drinking etc under control. My partner is a very rugged Aussie type of man that doesn't like going to the doctors etc so I'm worried that he'd never consider counselling/psychologist appointments? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Things you wish your depressed loved one did/said/addressed?

replies: 13

I’m looking for responses from those supporting a loved one through depression, specifically a significant other. I’m a sufferer and not a carer. I have had dysthymia my entire life but the Covid situation, and related life stressors, has sent me into a pretty serious depressive episode. I’m flat and disinterested in everything and unable to keep up a facade. I know that I am very different from my usual self and I worry how it’s impacting my partner. I’d love if people could tell me things that they wish their depressed loved one did, or addressed, or said that would make them feel better. I’m acutely aware that me being disconnected and disinterested is going to make him feel terrible and I want to get perspectives from those in a similar situation to him. I hope this is an appropriate thing to post here! I know that he feels uncomfortable talking to me about his wants and needs, because he feels like he needs to be supporting me. So, I’m hoping I can glean some little things I could do that could help him feel supported and seen too. Because that is important. thanks!

I think my sister is depressed

replies: 3

Over the past few weeks I have been noticing that my sister is becoming isolated from my family. She is 16. I was worried about her and so decided to read her journal. I know this is wrong, but I needed to know if she was ok and she isn't really open to talking to me. I read that she hates what she looks like and that she has been feeling really sad and down. She has been sleeping in until 11:00 every day to avoid having to eat breakfast. And she is only eating small portions of food for lunch and dinner. She is also doing vigorous exercise every day to try and loose weight. She is already really skinny and i think if she keeps this up she will be really hurting her body. She talked about trying of make herself sick, except she is worried that if she does myself or my parents will hear her so she doesn't. Recently she has been really stressed about school and she didn't get a prefect position for year 12 next year, which I think has made her sad. My dad is also very overbearing. He has a tendency to fat shame and is always saying that we need to exercise more and stop eating unhealthy food, and then shames us if we do. I think my dad also has a problem with the LGBTQ+ community, although he will never admit it, but every time we talk about it my sister always gets upset. So I think she may be struggling with her sexuality as well. I'm 18 myself and I don't know what to do or who to talk to about this?

Nothing seems to be working - need some new ideas to try

replies: 3

My now 16 year old daughter was diagnosed with depression almost 2 years ago now (along with anxiety and level 2 autism) She also has a long history of self harm which has recently started up again and a history of suicidal ideation and attempts which is also currently plaguing her again. We have been seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist for over two years now and have been given a lot of different strategies to try but so far it hasn't really helped. She is on antidepressants and sleeping tablets but these also don't seem to help much. I'm constantly worried about her and am always watching her moods carefully for any signs of a serious downward spiral but it is emotionally exhausting and I am desperate to find something that will make a difference but don't know what else to try. I'm keen to hear from other carers who have been through this and have hopefully come out the other side with maybe some advice for me and my daughter that could help. Thanks in advance.

Feeling stressed and drained

replies: 36

Well hear go's, I'm seeking some advice on how to manage my own stress and mental state for my current situation. My wife is bipolar 2 and borderline personality disorder, we have been together for 5 years, there have been ups and downs like everyone but no matter what I love her with everything in me, we have 3 children. Last year my wife had a terrible run with her sister commting suicide and her father dying all within 10 months which has led us to move to her home country, she was off her medication for the last 4 years until last month. This last few weeks we have moved from Australia to her home country new Zealand but now I have to come back for the next 4 months to finish up my job and stuff hear leaving her over there on her own with not support person and far distance away from any family or friends. I'm so worried and stressed that she is not going to cope, she will have a bad episode and I won't be there to help. she has all ways had problems being upfront to me with not coping or being in a bad mind set, I have my ways of telling if she is in a bad way but being so far away from her has me so messed up right now, iv expressed my concerns and worrys to her but she tells me to tuffen up or deal with it and that does nothing to help how I'm feeling about it. The 2 months leading upto the move I lost 14kg, could hardly sleep or eat without feeling anxious or like I was going to throw up. It went away for a week or 2 while we moved away and set up the new home, but now I'm back in Australia it's all come back. Other than seeing a gp which I plan to do, does anyone have any advice for coping with being so far away from you partner who suffers from these mental health conditions. Sorry if my post is messy or confusing I'm not very good at this.

Help to support a partner with depression

replies: 1

Hey there, my fionce has depression and he is in another depressive stage ( i am not sure what the technical term is for this). He claims he is exhausted both mentally and physically. Exhausted from waking up early every day to go to work and emotionally exhausted because of fights he has with me. We haven't had an argument in a long while but he goes to sleep quite angry or sad many nights whether that be because i try to talk to him about his depression or try my best to offer support or reassuring words. Sometimes i figure it's best to not say anything but even then he thinks i am mad at him when i go quiet and then gets angry or hurt thinking i am angry at him even when i say i am not. When i try to bring up his depression there's often a sense of denial or offense is taken - how dare you say i am not my normal self today or the last couple of days? when i simply try to bring up his symptoms. I feel quite often there is no real winning on what i should be doing. He doesn't like to tell me how he is feeling or will just say the bare minimum "im tired" or blame me for his anger, sadness or irritation. This is so difficult as i end up thinking what did i do wrong or what could i have done differently. Deep down i know it's not my fault his upset but hearing it continuously is very difficult. He has become very distant - doesn't want to talk to me, no affection, sleeping badly, eating badly and sometimes looks quite lifeless. I love him more than anything but i don't know how to support him. I often ask him what can i do to help you? but the response is always "i don't know" - while frustrating i don't think he really knows what triggers him or what can help him. He is very against counselling and it can be expensive so i think that's a huge deterrent. Sorry for the rant, i am feeling very overwhelmed and i don't know what i should be doing to love and support him through his bad days. Any tips please?

Wife wants separation

replies: 1

My wife and I have been together for 14 years, have been married for 8 years and have 2 youngs girls (4 and 6 years old). Last year my wife was diagnosed with depression, although she most likely had been suffering in silence for many years. She had a tough upbringing (her mother also had mental health issues), and she left home at 16.She made it through all that but I think there are many scars from that time, that affect her self esteem and self worth.When she was diagnosed,I attended one of her counselling sessions where she disclosed that she had run up credit cards debts in excess of $30k. This was not the first time in our relationship that she had spending/money issues, but previously they were smaller amounts ($5k). In any case,I tried to support her through that as much as possible.She has been on medication and we have cleared the credit cards, and she says that she has been in a good place. We have sold our house and are currently looking to but another property.At an auction last weekend, we were registered to bid and I had an understanding of what I thought our maximum amount was.However, during the auction, she was putting pressure on me to bid well in excess of what I thought our agreed maximum was.I refused to do so, as the house needed work, would probably require us to live in it for some time (which she had expressed reluctance to), and there was risk with respect to future renovation costs. In the pressure situation, I became quite annoyed and was dismissive of her badgering,telling her to stop. Following the auction, she told me I was a useless husband and pathetic excuse for a man, and that I need to grow some balls.She feels that this has verified her opinion that I do not treat her with respect, or value her opinions.She has perceived my refusal to increase our bid as confirmation of my opinion of her.She feels that it was a moment of enlightenment for her, and that she no longer wants to be with someone like me. Over the past 6 months, she has also stopped talking to my brother's wife, and she has stated that she only wants to surround herself with people who make her feel positive. As our daughter has recently started school, she has focussed on developing new friendship groups with other mothers. I think this is positive, but I also wonder if perhaps she sees me as a person who does not make her feel positive and so is looking to cut me out of her life. I do not want to lose my wife & kids.Any help would be great.Thanks

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

How can I help my mum who seems to have given up on everything? replies: 2

Romantic feelings for guy best friend (who has anxiety/depression) replies: 2

How to respond to adult child's fears replies: 2

Supporting Depressed Partner Using Alcohol to Cope replies: 5

Things you wish your depressed loved one did/said/addressed? replies: 13

I think my sister is depressed replies: 3

Nothing seems to be working - need some new ideas to try replies: 3

Feeling stressed and drained replies: 36

Help to support a partner with depression replies: 1

Wife wants separation replies: 1