Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Needing advice and tips on how to help my partner understand mental health

replies: 17

I have a loving partner. I am so fortunate to have him in my life. We have been together 9 years January 1st. I have suffered depression and anxiety on and off throughout our entire relationship (started before we met). I am currently seeking mental health assistance from psychologist/psychiatrist as well as my GP. I am on the positive side of the wall, I am finally feeling achievement within myself- building myself and being able to actually breathe. (woohoo!) I guess the struggle is... My partner does not, and has never understood mental health. He has tried over the years, but he just cannot get his around it, and feels why cannot I just be 'fixed' / choose to be happy? He has been brought up in an environment where he has never experienced or had friends etc who have experienced hardship in this way. So he is unaware of it. I cannot say that is his fault- he has just been fortunate to be in that situation. I guess my main question is, how do you help the ones around you understand mental health? How do you support them with learning and dealing/coping with it? How do you educate them that the notion of being unhappy with mental health is not their fault? For those of you out there- I want more than anything to become a mother, and my partner is terrified I will get post natal depression. How do you support him with the notion that just because I have mental health/ generalised anxiety disorder, it does not give me an automatic sentence of post natal depression. How do I educate him with the facts and knowing that at least I will be able to identify if I am going into a down spiral? He turned to me and said he didnt know if he would want me to be the mother of his kids anymore (even though how much we want them together) as he is worried about working full time at his career, taking care of me and the baby(ies) . Can anyone provide me with any insights or experience or knowledge on this for me to explore? I would be ever so grateful. x. Is there anyone with knowledge/experience you could please pass onto me as I would love any assistance please

Helping a friend with OCD

replies: 3

Hello, I was hoping for some advice on how to help my best friend, who has OCD. He has managed his condition for many years, but recently his obsessions have escalated and are starting to impact his daily life negatively again. He has started avoiding social gatherings because he is worried the locations may be "contaminated", and he is refusing to open his letterbox and use certain chairs in his house because "contaminated" people have touched them. He no longer feels comfortable inviting me to his house because he is worried I may have been in "contaminated" locations while I have travelled for work. I have talked to him multiple times about seeing his doctor and a psychiatrist to get help, but he says he has done this before and he is still struggling with his illness so there is no point. He can't seem to see that he was feeling better for a long time before this flare up of his symptoms so the treatment must have helped him in some way in the past. I'm not sure what to do to help him. Should I just listen to him when he shares his feelings or should I challenge them? Should I keep pushing for him to seek medical help or is there another option I could suggest which he may find more acceptable? Thank you all for your time and advice

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

replies: 42

My husband has been recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder. The depression started about mid year, during the second lockdown (we live in Melbourne and are both teachers). We have been together for nearly 22 years and married for 12. We have two beautiful boys. We bought a house 18 months ago and we were very happy. I was very happy. Then 2020 came long...and everything changed. Our relationship with each other has really suffered. We argue now more than we ever have. He has become distant and unreachable. He does not seem to have any love for me right now. I think our issues are heightened by being in lockdown and both working from home. We had no escape from each other and our working and personal lives became blurred. I know he is questioning the relationship. I want to believe that our marriage is not the cause of his depression, but it's really hard for me not to worry that I am the problem. Or that our relationship is the problem. I know that it is much more complex than that and that his depression isn't necessarily rooted in any one thing in particular. I want to believe that his depression is actually probably the main cause of our current marital problems, but it is so hard to have faith when he can't give me any reassurance that he will ever feel for me what he used to feel. I need to know how you can stand by your partner through all of this and still believe that deep down inside of them they still love and want you. Loving someone who is depressed is the hardest thing I have ever done but I would be prepared to go to hell and back with him if I knew that at the end of all of this he will love me and want me and be by my side. The fear of losing him is making it so much harder for me to be the person he needs right now. How do I believe that we are still true soul mates if he can't? It is the hardest thing for me because I love him so much. He is everything to me. I love him even at his worst and on his darkest days and when he can't love me back. But I need hope that he will one day love me back.

I think my boyfriend is depressed and he’s pushing me away

replies: 1

Hi everyone, I’ve been with a guy (not officially) for a month and a half now, (i’ve known him for 5 years though) we used to see each other about 3 times a week. we’re just meant for each other and always bring the best out of each other. when we started talking, he told me he was in a really depressive state, and that ever since we started hanging out he’s been so much better. well now we haven’t seen each other in 10 days. he keeps making up excuses, as he is too tired. he sleeps all day and doesn’t eat, and when he does it isn’t good food. we’re 17 so he relies on his parents who are divorced and on drugs and don’t buy proper food. he’s suffering. i don’t know what to do because i love him and i feel like he’s pushing me away. he told me he doesn’t want me to see him like this. he says his mind is all over the place and he’s just physically emotionally and mentally exhausted. we really need each other and i don’t want to lose him. i want him to just say yes to meeting up so i can help him. what do i do??

My nan has dementia and it is hurting me

replies: 3

My nan has always been fairly volatile, she plays the victim card a lot and cannot admit she could ever do anything wrong. Responsibility is not a thing she understands. She makes up random lies to fit her stories that she WANTS, not what actually happened. She tells me to stop getting an education as I am going to get married young (she says I am "ready for marriage", I am 21 and have never even had a partner) and stay home to have children (I don't want kids even remotely, and if I had them I would not give up my career for them as that is not who I am). She is stuck in the 1960s and is extremely racist, homophobic and transphobic all of which I detest. And this is all before she started developing dementia. If my name looks familiar, you may have seen me in the Anxiety and Depression thread. I have severe mental demons. I moved up from Melbourne and left quarentine at the beginning of September. Since September I have looked after my nan 3 times ( a week each) as my family are all very busy so they tend to shove her onto me as I am unemployed. I won't go into the details of the first two, but lets just say I helped her pack her entire 4 bedroom house, took her to doctors appointments, took her shopping, cooked for her ect. Basically a glorified nurse. I moved her house, drove her car an hour to her new house, replanted her whole garden, unpacked everything, you name it, I did it. I will mostly focus on this week. When I arrived in her home city (I live 2.5hrs away) I was told by family (who was going away, hence my need to be here as nan can't drive, so someone needs to take her to the bank, shopping ect. and she won't accept BlueCare help) that she had no idea who I was and "Hadn't seen me since I was a baby" (She had seen me 7 days prior). I went over to see her today and she was volatile. She was abusive to me and my family, made up lies like she usually does, played the victim and made up elaborate things about how all her family were awful and they didn't care about her ectect. She is a black hole that sucks all the happiness out and it's leaving me exhausted. I just don't know how to deal with her. I have severe mental demons of my own, I dont need someone else adding to that. She is exhausting to be around but I also need to take her to get food, take her to get money out ect. or else she can't survive. She is in her 80s and just tiring. How do I deal with her? Does anyone have any advice about dementia patients?

Reaching my limit

replies: 11

I’ll try and keep this short and sweet. my Husband has been suffering severe anxiety and depression for a little over a year now. He’s always had these issues niggling at the back of his mind but they didn’t really impact his daily life. A little over a year ago, he suddenly started having a panic attack, this went on for more than a week before it settled. he has tried medication which only made him sick. He’s never been able to stomach anything stronger than panadol, it just comes straight back up and leaves him bedridden so medications aren’t an option. We tried therapy, which only led to more panic attacks so he’s not willing to go down that path again. I try so hard to be supportive, but His fluctuating moods and episodes are really taking their toll on me. We can’t do anything because his anxiety takes over. Even something as simple as going into an elevator, he will grit his teeth and yell at me if I try to get in if there’s too many people. I’m exhausted. I have no idea what else we can try if medications don’t work and therapy makes it worse. I can’t talk to him about it because if I do, I’m the worst person in the world. Sometimes I think about how much easier my life would be alone and this makes me feel guilty. I have no idea what I can do.

Autism parenting How can I stay calmer?

replies: 7

Hello everyone, I just thought I should be finding a way to vent my frustration with life right now. I current have a 3 year old with Autism and a 6 month old. my 3 year old also has albinism (I do as well) but that is the least of his problems. I have just recently lost both my parents to cancer in the space of 11 months of each other so I struggle to talk to anyone about the good things in life and the bad things in life. When ever I try to talk to anyone else about it, most people I just hear about how they have life problems as well or some people 'have it worse' advice like that is the worst to hear and doesn't help any situation at all. My biggest issue right now is I have become so snappy with anything. I have a few hours to myself at night to play a video game or watch a movie or tv show. but everything is in such a rush to get to that stage and I find myself sacrificing sleep just so I can have my time alone at night for a few hours. My 3 year old is non verbal. doesn't even know his name or answer to it. his only communication is to really make a lot of noise. he won't play with toys correctly and just wants to throw them around. So he will get bored easy and not play correctly he has 2 shows he watches on TV but will refuse to watcher newer epidotes because they are 'different' and go into meltdown so we have to watch and hear the same shows over and over again. with Xmas around the corner this makes my anxiety levels go up even more when we have family events coming up. he has issues going to other peoples homes and will just scream and carry on and really can't go outside in the heat. when he really goes into a meltdown. it sends me crazy and all I do is yell back and get snappy, and my brain and heart knows it's not his fault. We went Winter of him not sleeping. with a new born baby. and luckily is now on Meds to get to sleep. and will get to sleep by 8:30pm in the past we would be up till midnight and I would have no time to myself. all this was going on during the time of my parents passing. He still has bottles of formula as he never really has eat anything. eating is also a problem, he may go through one day of joy of trying something but it never is consistent. Nobody in the world really understands what it is like until you actually live it. and some family members just don't get it and will blame it on parenting. does anyone have any tips to stay calm at all? especially with xmas events coming up I am just fearing it so much

Can’t get past what he did [trigger warning]

replies: 13

Hello, am new here. Tuesday morning I woke up to find my husband of 44 years had walked out after I had gone to sleep. He just walked out with no ID, phone or anything. Left a note which was not very nice for me to read. He had walked for some 6 hours to reach where he was working part time to leave an apology note. He then continued walking into the city where he was found 14 hours after leaving home. Yes I am grateful he didn’t do what he intended but I just can’t get past what he did. I was beyond myself with worry but he can’t understand why I am so stressed out about it all. Anyone else gone through a similar thing?

Husband smokes marijuana and is an undiagnosed bipolar

replies: 7

Hi there, I'm a new member and needed a safe space to vent and get advise. I've been with my partner for 4 years and married since early this year. He has always smoked marijuana since I met him and in the beginning, I tried very hard to stop him from smoking but nothing ever worked. He finally did sometime end of last year on his own but the withdrawals were HORRIBLE . He absolutely despised me and said the worst of the worst things and used my weakness against me. I had to be the strong one and still am. About a month or so after he stopped, he was amazing and a completely changed man. However, after we got married, he started marijuana again sneakily and now is full blown back into it. I have accepted it and don't fight him about it anymore instead I trust that he will stop when he is good and ready. Lately though he has been very ANGRY ALL THE TIME. And his anger is always directed towards me, I am always the one in the wrong, I am the devil, he wants me dead, he hates me and it goes on and on and on. He will send me 50++ messages throughout the day which I just end up deleting and not reading because they are just abusive. After a couple of days, he calms down, appologises and sometimes doesn't recall the things he says and if he does remember he is very remorseful. I am 99% sure he is bipolar(it's in his family) but hasn't been diagnosed. The way he reacts to minuscule things and the way he thinks is not normal. I feel helpless, I feel scared to go home, I get knots in my stomach everytime he messages or calls me. When he is getting angry, I end up leaving the house and staying out for hours and hours until he has calmed. I hate feeling this way and don't know what else to do. Most of the time he only gets angry if he hasn't smoked marijuana so a part of me is glad when he does. But at the same time I know it's only doing more damage than harm. I wish I could forcefully put him in rehab. I'm exhausted all the time and have to put a fake front for my family, friends and colleagues. I hate my life.

Decision Making - Social/Community Events

replies: 2

Hello, my husband suffers depression and anxiety, has done for a number of years, we have only recently begun medication and sought counselling, we haven't discussed this with our young children yet (primary school age). I'm wondering if anyone has any advice around supporting him with decision making when it comes to attending social and community events when he is not feeling up to it. These events mainly involve our kids sporting activities, my husband coaches one of their basketball teams and assists with cricket training, umpiring etc This seems to be a recurring scenario: Should I go to basketball/cricket/whatever today/tonight? (If he doesn't, I just fill in for him) If he doesn't feel he can cope, he feels 1. he's letting our kids down and what should we tell them; 2. people will ask questions why he isn't there; 3. what if he goes and something happens/someone says something and he flies off the handle or it makes him feel worse; 4. should he just get out there and it might make him feel better. I fully support whatever he decides and try to help, the problem is the decision making process and the anxiety this creates in itself. Does anyone have any recommended tools around decision making - I have internet searched but haven't found anything suitable. Does anyone have any advice on whether he is better off not attending something if his mood is low or he should be trying to attend things and not feel low at home alone? Thank you so much.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Needing advice and tips on how to help my partner understand mental health replies: 17

Helping a friend with OCD replies: 3

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression? replies: 42

I think my boyfriend is depressed and he’s pushing me away replies: 1

My nan has dementia and it is hurting me replies: 3

Reaching my limit replies: 11

Autism parenting How can I stay calmer? replies: 7

Can’t get past what he did [trigger warning] replies: 13

Husband smokes marijuana and is an undiagnosed bipolar replies: 7

Decision Making - Social/Community Events replies: 2