Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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6 Things I wish I knew before dating someone with anxiety and PTSD

replies: 21

Hi there, My name is Raman and I recently joined bluevoices and this will be my first thread on something I recently endured and learnt. I'm 32 years of age, a former sufferer of depression for around 12 years and was recently in a relationship with an amazing woman who suffered major anxiety and PTSD. Her past was not a pretty one, at all. However she as a bright as the sun and covered up her scars well. Over the 3 months we were together I can say that this was by far the most challenging relationship I had ever been in. I feel I am not the only one out there who has dated someone with anxiety/PTSD so I hope that message and honest advice cn help anyone else out there who has met similar circumstances. 1) Don't take things personal - Over time I learnt not to look through my eyes, but hers. It the early stages I always thought 'she doesn't like me' or 'what did I do to make her upset?' The reality was her reactions were not a reflection of me, but of her past and what she had endured. 2) Let them come to you - I have typically been the type of man to take charge and plan things. I also have no issues being affectionate and displaying that, however, dating someone with PTSD you have to be mindful of this and take the back seat. When they are ready, they will come to you. 3) Give space - This was very difficult at the start. When you meet and start dating someone you like, the natural progression is to spend more time together and see each other often. This wasn't the case with her and our relationship. They can get a feeling of being very overwhelmed and I picked up on this and had to learn to give space and take things slower than normal. 4) Research - My ex had endured being raped at a very young age by a group of older men. Horrible beyond imagination. I took the time to do a lot of research on rape and the side effects it can have on people. She knew I did a lot of researched and smiled when she first found out and thanked me. 5) Hot & Cold - One moment she was holding my arm tightly and smiling, the next she distanced herself and went quiet. Respect that this will happen and it's when your partner goes cold, you need respect that and not take it personal and give space without them making them feel bad. 6) Don't dig for the past - When I asked her, eye contact gone! We all have a past. Not everyone might be as open as you in sharing it. I hope this helps you and thank you for reading. Regards, Raman.

I think my mom is mentally ill? Delusional? And I want to help her.

replies: 5

For about 5 years or so, mum has been acting very strange, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. At first it wasn't that bad. She became obsessed with the idea that she is the 'chosen one' from God. She started spending a lot of time swinging a pendulum ('talking to God'). Then she started working on a book, that has come to be 700,000+ words, written in 'God's words'. I didn't know what to think at first, so I just went along with it. Then she started coming up with these crazy stories which made it very hard to believe, a few examples: 1. The Peruvian Government is hiding a cocoon sent from the future that contains her book. 2. Highly evolved beings (aliens) are going to come to Earth to change humanity, unless everyone reads her book. etc. These stories, although very far-fetched, didn't really worry me because I couldn't prove them wrong. But now, she's hooked on this conspiracy theory that people are out to get her: She thinks that she got drugged at a bar by a mysterious man in a coat and the bouncers and taxi drivers were all in on it (probably just drank too much) She claims hearing footsteps on the veranda, and people parked outside our house, etc. And now, she thinks that people have setup cameras outside that watch the house. (in trees and in tiny holes which clearly don't have cameras in them). And sending my little brother to go fill the holes with gum or blue tack. At night she goes hunting for reflections with her flash light thinking they're cameras. All of this makes me worried... and if I can help her before it gets any worse - I want to. Dad has given up trying to reason with her because her beliefs are so stubborn and she gets mad when anyone questions her, which is why I haven't tried to reason with her. I don't want to ruin the our connection but I don't want her to be crazy either. So, any ideas on what I should do will be much appreciated. Thanks.

My husband left me out of his decision to get help.

replies: 1

I don’t know what to do, I have been with my husband for 17 years. recently we lost our son, he has always had anxiety and depression but managed. now he has begun to have delusions.. I can usually show him how he has connected the dots incorrectly. he decided to get help but lied to me about seeing a psychologist and then lied about seeing a psychiatrist- the information he gave them wasn’t the truth and now they are convinced that there isn’t any issues except for the anxiety, When I found out I asked if I could talk to the psychologist and I did but the professionals do not believe what I am saying and say things like: we already knew this but he knows it’s not true now... When he is talking to me at home he is convinced the things he thinks are true. I am beyond angry and hurt and lonely and sad. I don’t know how to turn this around. Now he is asking me to help him with his therapy and wants me to advocate for him and get him different medication etc. I feel like I can’t do this because he will not admit to them what is happening and as I haven’t been a part of it I feel like I am being set up. I am not sure what to do next ?

Partner broke up with me on our 5 year anniversary. I think he is depressed.

replies: 3

Hi everyone, Last Friday my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me 2 days before our 5 year anniversary as we were getting ready to go away for the weekend. We have lived together for 4 years and have been talking about getting married and buying our first house together. I am 23 and he is 25. He got home from work as I was packing our bags and told me he wanted to break up. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and that all he wants is to be alone. He said he has felt like this for a few months now but tried to fight it. When I asked what changed with us, he couldn’t give me a reason. He said it is not me, or us that was the problem, that it was him. I haven’t noticed a change in him over the last few months, obviously with Covid we have both been a bit stressed and I have started a new job and studying at Uni, but nothing out of the ordinary from him. I have moved out and am staying with family for now. Once the initial shock passed, everything he was saying has made me think that he is suffering from depression. I suggested that he make an appointment this week to talk to his Dr and after a little resistance he said he would. I am trying to give him space at the moment for him to process what is going on and understand his feelings, which is hard. This has come completely out of the blue for me, as like I said, he has spoken about proposing and wanted me to pick out a ring. We have always being very close and have never had a real fight. I guess I just need some advice on how best to support him, so that he knows I am still here for him, while also giving him space to think and process what he is feeling and what has happened. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Helping a colleague

replies: 3

Trying to find some advise to help a colleague that is at a tipping point. I have worked with this person for over a decade, And have had to put up with a lot from them. The constant negativity, always seeing the bad side of everything, treating people ok, but speaking to them in a pretty awful manner. No filter between thought and speech. Like the interpersonal skills are Not honed well. there was a point where i absolutely disliked this person because of their attitude toward everything, and how they spoke to me and everyone else. Most people dont want to have to approach or go near them because they know how the interaction will be. Most of the workgroup doesn't want to work with the person because of the above said. i have spoken to this person time and time again to give support. When i notice this person is in a particular bad mood, i reach out to try to calm the situation. Often this is well received as they know my intentions. the only way to describe this person is bitter, and negative. But the person has some great qualities. The person is very thorough with their job tasks, and does a great job. But is their own worst enemy. im just not sure what to do from here on. The person is no longer in my work group, and there is a hugely increasing Workload and technical change coming this year which i am certain they wont cope with very well at all. none of it is in my control, but if there is anything that i can do to help the situation, i am all ears (well in this case eyes) Not_Batman

Needing advice and tips on how to help my partner understand mental health

replies: 17

I have a loving partner. I am so fortunate to have him in my life. We have been together 9 years January 1st. I have suffered depression and anxiety on and off throughout our entire relationship (started before we met). I am currently seeking mental health assistance from psychologist/psychiatrist as well as my GP. I am on the positive side of the wall, I am finally feeling achievement within myself- building myself and being able to actually breathe. (woohoo!) I guess the struggle is... My partner does not, and has never understood mental health. He has tried over the years, but he just cannot get his around it, and feels why cannot I just be 'fixed' / choose to be happy? He has been brought up in an environment where he has never experienced or had friends etc who have experienced hardship in this way. So he is unaware of it. I cannot say that is his fault- he has just been fortunate to be in that situation. I guess my main question is, how do you help the ones around you understand mental health? How do you support them with learning and dealing/coping with it? How do you educate them that the notion of being unhappy with mental health is not their fault? For those of you out there- I want more than anything to become a mother, and my partner is terrified I will get post natal depression. How do you support him with the notion that just because I have mental health/ generalised anxiety disorder, it does not give me an automatic sentence of post natal depression. How do I educate him with the facts and knowing that at least I will be able to identify if I am going into a down spiral? He turned to me and said he didnt know if he would want me to be the mother of his kids anymore (even though how much we want them together) as he is worried about working full time at his career, taking care of me and the baby(ies) . Can anyone provide me with any insights or experience or knowledge on this for me to explore? I would be ever so grateful. x. Is there anyone with knowledge/experience you could please pass onto me as I would love any assistance please

Helping a friend with OCD

replies: 3

Hello, I was hoping for some advice on how to help my best friend, who has OCD. He has managed his condition for many years, but recently his obsessions have escalated and are starting to impact his daily life negatively again. He has started avoiding social gatherings because he is worried the locations may be "contaminated", and he is refusing to open his letterbox and use certain chairs in his house because "contaminated" people have touched them. He no longer feels comfortable inviting me to his house because he is worried I may have been in "contaminated" locations while I have travelled for work. I have talked to him multiple times about seeing his doctor and a psychiatrist to get help, but he says he has done this before and he is still struggling with his illness so there is no point. He can't seem to see that he was feeling better for a long time before this flare up of his symptoms so the treatment must have helped him in some way in the past. I'm not sure what to do to help him. Should I just listen to him when he shares his feelings or should I challenge them? Should I keep pushing for him to seek medical help or is there another option I could suggest which he may find more acceptable? Thank you all for your time and advice

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

replies: 42

My husband has been recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder. The depression started about mid year, during the second lockdown (we live in Melbourne and are both teachers). We have been together for nearly 22 years and married for 12. We have two beautiful boys. We bought a house 18 months ago and we were very happy. I was very happy. Then 2020 came long...and everything changed. Our relationship with each other has really suffered. We argue now more than we ever have. He has become distant and unreachable. He does not seem to have any love for me right now. I think our issues are heightened by being in lockdown and both working from home. We had no escape from each other and our working and personal lives became blurred. I know he is questioning the relationship. I want to believe that our marriage is not the cause of his depression, but it's really hard for me not to worry that I am the problem. Or that our relationship is the problem. I know that it is much more complex than that and that his depression isn't necessarily rooted in any one thing in particular. I want to believe that his depression is actually probably the main cause of our current marital problems, but it is so hard to have faith when he can't give me any reassurance that he will ever feel for me what he used to feel. I need to know how you can stand by your partner through all of this and still believe that deep down inside of them they still love and want you. Loving someone who is depressed is the hardest thing I have ever done but I would be prepared to go to hell and back with him if I knew that at the end of all of this he will love me and want me and be by my side. The fear of losing him is making it so much harder for me to be the person he needs right now. How do I believe that we are still true soul mates if he can't? It is the hardest thing for me because I love him so much. He is everything to me. I love him even at his worst and on his darkest days and when he can't love me back. But I need hope that he will one day love me back.

I think my boyfriend is depressed and he’s pushing me away

replies: 1

Hi everyone, I’ve been with a guy (not officially) for a month and a half now, (i’ve known him for 5 years though) we used to see each other about 3 times a week. we’re just meant for each other and always bring the best out of each other. when we started talking, he told me he was in a really depressive state, and that ever since we started hanging out he’s been so much better. well now we haven’t seen each other in 10 days. he keeps making up excuses, as he is too tired. he sleeps all day and doesn’t eat, and when he does it isn’t good food. we’re 17 so he relies on his parents who are divorced and on drugs and don’t buy proper food. he’s suffering. i don’t know what to do because i love him and i feel like he’s pushing me away. he told me he doesn’t want me to see him like this. he says his mind is all over the place and he’s just physically emotionally and mentally exhausted. we really need each other and i don’t want to lose him. i want him to just say yes to meeting up so i can help him. what do i do??

My nan has dementia and it is hurting me

replies: 3

My nan has always been fairly volatile, she plays the victim card a lot and cannot admit she could ever do anything wrong. Responsibility is not a thing she understands. She makes up random lies to fit her stories that she WANTS, not what actually happened. She tells me to stop getting an education as I am going to get married young (she says I am "ready for marriage", I am 21 and have never even had a partner) and stay home to have children (I don't want kids even remotely, and if I had them I would not give up my career for them as that is not who I am). She is stuck in the 1960s and is extremely racist, homophobic and transphobic all of which I detest. And this is all before she started developing dementia. If my name looks familiar, you may have seen me in the Anxiety and Depression thread. I have severe mental demons. I moved up from Melbourne and left quarentine at the beginning of September. Since September I have looked after my nan 3 times ( a week each) as my family are all very busy so they tend to shove her onto me as I am unemployed. I won't go into the details of the first two, but lets just say I helped her pack her entire 4 bedroom house, took her to doctors appointments, took her shopping, cooked for her ect. Basically a glorified nurse. I moved her house, drove her car an hour to her new house, replanted her whole garden, unpacked everything, you name it, I did it. I will mostly focus on this week. When I arrived in her home city (I live 2.5hrs away) I was told by family (who was going away, hence my need to be here as nan can't drive, so someone needs to take her to the bank, shopping ect. and she won't accept BlueCare help) that she had no idea who I was and "Hadn't seen me since I was a baby" (She had seen me 7 days prior). I went over to see her today and she was volatile. She was abusive to me and my family, made up lies like she usually does, played the victim and made up elaborate things about how all her family were awful and they didn't care about her ectect. She is a black hole that sucks all the happiness out and it's leaving me exhausted. I just don't know how to deal with her. I have severe mental demons of my own, I dont need someone else adding to that. She is exhausting to be around but I also need to take her to get food, take her to get money out ect. or else she can't survive. She is in her 80s and just tiring. How do I deal with her? Does anyone have any advice about dementia patients?

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

6 Things I wish I knew before dating someone with anxiety and PTSD replies: 21

I think my mom is mentally ill? Delusional? And I want to help her. replies: 5

My husband left me out of his decision to get help. replies: 1

Partner broke up with me on our 5 year anniversary. I think he is depressed. replies: 3

Helping a colleague replies: 3

Needing advice and tips on how to help my partner understand mental health replies: 17

Helping a friend with OCD replies: 3

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression? replies: 42

I think my boyfriend is depressed and he’s pushing me away replies: 1

My nan has dementia and it is hurting me replies: 3