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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Catlover123 Emotional toll and guilt over looking after a depressed friend
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, I am reaching out for support or to hear from anyone who has been in the same situation. I have had to recently set strong boundaries with a depressed friend because her behaviour had become very toxic and she has not spoken to me again.... View more

Hi everyone, I am reaching out for support or to hear from anyone who has been in the same situation. I have had to recently set strong boundaries with a depressed friend because her behaviour had become very toxic and she has not spoken to me again. I am okay with not having her in my life, I prefer it actually. But I feel so guilty for not being there for someone. When we met several years ago, I was very anxious, insecure and a people pleaser. I offered her constant support for years and years but the more I gave the more she wanted. If I was busy or going through my own stuff, she was polite but seemed to get distant and never offered support. She seemed to ask if I was okay sometimes just as a way to talk about all her own issues. She was mean to everyone but me. The minute they set boundaries or disagreed with her or made a tiny mistake she would say to me how unfair they were and cut them off or start arguments with them. Over things like someone not saying sorry when passing her in the hallway. Her arguments made me feel sick - she would send me screenshots of her bringing up peoples vulnerabilities to make them break down and give in to her and was proud that she won. I never told her I thought this was wrong because I was afraid. I was afraid to speak my mind in case I did something wrong and that happened to me. She would also make very entitled remarks and if anyone in her life brought up their mental health she would say behind their backs to me "they should be nicer to me, it's not that hard, I can be nice despite all I am going through... which is way more than them!!" It was always a competition. She thought that everyone was jealous of her too and that people were trying to imitate her and wanted to be her and she would complain about it. Basically I had to cut her off after several years because her messages started to make me feel like i was going to have a panick attack when I saw her name pop up on my phone. Last week I decided to tell her how I felt. She hasnt contacted me since after saying sorry and that it wasnt her intention to hurt me. I feel guilty for letting her go knowing she is in a bad headspace and has depression. I feel so bad knowing she has not many other people in her life because she pushes them away when they are honest with her or disagree with her. We had things in common and she didnt criticize me directly but I didnt feel safe. How do you move past the guilt and feeling like you are a bad person?

ChrisCson Supporting a coworker
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone, I am after advice for supporting a coworker who is currently suffering from depression. It stems from work issues where the manger has recently misdirected issues and blamed them for them. This has resulted in them being placed on a pers... View more

Hi everyone, I am after advice for supporting a coworker who is currently suffering from depression. It stems from work issues where the manger has recently misdirected issues and blamed them for them. This has resulted in them being placed on a personal improvement plan and since this they have spiralled into what seems to be a deep depression. Do you think it is reasonable to request the PIP is temporairly put on hold due to mental health? Do you think I can request this for them?

Wanderlust123 Blast from the past
  • replies: 5

Hi all, I recently experienced a blast from the past when an old work colleague messaged me out of the blue for the first time in five years. When we worked together we would occasionally make small talk, however he suddenly started messaging me ever... View more

Hi all, I recently experienced a blast from the past when an old work colleague messaged me out of the blue for the first time in five years. When we worked together we would occasionally make small talk, however he suddenly started messaging me every day, replying within minutes of me messaging him back and he would always keep the conversation going or be the first to start a new conversation. I soon found out he has depression and for the past couple of months has been working hard to recover and only now is opening up about how he is feeling. He never mentioned this to me, I discovered this upon reading multiple posts on social media which received a lot of support from his friends and family. After talking for a week I mentioned my boyfriend in conversation to which he was rather apologetic about not realised I had a partner and was worried he had made it awkward. I explained it was okay to chat and I was glad he reached out. He also had previously mentioned us catching up however cancelled on me the day of our plans. Since then, I haven't heard from him in almost two weeks. Normally I would take this as an indicator that he was looking for more, however he hasn't seen or talking to me in years. I am writing this as I would like some advice on how best to approach the situation. I would like to reach out to him to see how he is going, however I find the whole situation bizarre as I haven't been in his life for so long. I don't understand why he contacted me and was persistent in chatting - at the time I thought he might be lonely and could be looking for a friend but on social media he seems really popular. Also he went cold after hearing I have a boyfriend, but he never gave the impression he was flirting with me. I am happy to be his friend and want to help him how I can, I am just left feeling confused. Is it common to reach out to people from your past when you are on a journey of recovery? Should I make contact or just leave it? All advice welcome.

Dave00 Almost ready to end a 25 year marriage to bipolar wife
  • replies: 4

Sorry, bear with me, I’m new and I’m about to vent! My wife has just disappeared again. This is the fourth time she’s done it in our marriage. I have no idea where she is, her phone is off and I am a mess. I am also sick of it. My stomach hurts. It’s... View more

Sorry, bear with me, I’m new and I’m about to vent! My wife has just disappeared again. This is the fourth time she’s done it in our marriage. I have no idea where she is, her phone is off and I am a mess. I am also sick of it. My stomach hurts. It’s like I swallowed a bucket of sand. I have given this woman everything, sacrificed everything for her, and the only reason I wake up is to make sure she takes her meds, eats, gets dressed, makes it to her support appointments etc. etc. etc. I have no friends, no contact with any of my siblings or other family except by text or email, simply because i have come to realise over the years that anything that takes my focus away from her stresses her and sends her into either a high or low. I threw in a well paying job to look after her full time with the support of our government, in 2003, when she became too unwell to remain by herself for any length of time. Her swings are such that she can become catatonic with her downs, to swinging from the light socket speaking gibberish with her highs, and no I’m not exaggerating. I have to adjust my personality/mood to suit. It’s getting harder as the years go by and I find myself becoming very distant with her highs because of her demanding ways, and dottingly protective with her lows because she often can’t function. I no longer know how to hold a conversation with anybody, and I am fast running out of any inclination to do so. i know that leaving now would be the best thing I could do BUT I know I probably won’t bcause I know she will not cope ... that is after she gets over this latest episode, which will probably be after month long hospital stay ...if she makes it to hospital. I’m a wreck and I have no idea what to do apart from annoy the readers on this forum.

ConcernedSister94 My sister may have bipolar but won’t seek help, and also abuses drugs. So lost!
  • replies: 2

Hello, my younger sister has had mental health issues for the last decade. We believe she has bipolar depression, as it runs in the family, and she displays symptoms to suggest this too. Over the last few years, she has also abused drugs and alcohol,... View more

Hello, my younger sister has had mental health issues for the last decade. We believe she has bipolar depression, as it runs in the family, and she displays symptoms to suggest this too. Over the last few years, she has also abused drugs and alcohol, which increases her mania, and has recently lead her to become extremely violent. She cannot live with our mum, as she has physically abused her, and destroyed her house. Her father has never really been around, and continues to keep his distance. My other sister and I have young families who do not need to see their aunty like this. But we are at a loss as to what else we can do. we have tried to offer our support and homes to her in the past, but it seems to make her worse. She recently seemed to get better, stopped using drugs, started seeking new employment, but then she gave into using drugs again, and has been delusional and manic ever since. She recently punched a window and required medical assistance. We pleaded with them to help us find somewhere to get her help, but due to her saying she was not suicidal, and likely because she was offensive, they were unable to help us with her that time. I would love to know if anyone else has experienced this, and has any help or suggestions for us to try. Our family worries so much about my sister, but we do not want to keep enabling her behaviour. It is tearing us all apart, and I really want to help her, and us, so that we can all try to get back to being a happy family again soon! thank you

Dreamland Ageing parents looking after chronically depressed older sibling
  • replies: 2

Hi Everyone, I have a brother in his late 40’s who has suffered lifelong severe depression. He has always been incredibly incredibly intelligent and intellectual however he struggled to launch into life, care about finding a job, didn't stay in touch... View more

Hi Everyone, I have a brother in his late 40’s who has suffered lifelong severe depression. He has always been incredibly incredibly intelligent and intellectual however he struggled to launch into life, care about finding a job, didn't stay in touch with friends etc etc. One known suicide attempt. At around 30 years of age he basically just dropped out of life altogether. His place of work closed, he moved home and he has literally never left the house in like over 15 years. He will go into the backyard however he hasn’t ventured into the world this whole time. He has never been to a dentist in that time or even a doctor,constantly complains about bodily aches and maladies however REFUSES HELP AT ALL COSTS. My parents couldn’t bring themselves to force him to move out so therefore it enabled this downward spiral and now, my parents are 73 and 80 respectively, I literally have no idea whats going to become of my brother who has opted to become a ghost in the world and yet cannot take care of himself. His depression is crippling, he cannot face the outside world, sleeps all day and spends all night on line. He also tortures my mother emotionally about how much he hates himself and how he wishes he had never been born. My parents are amazing people however they cannot force him to seek help but it is tearing them to pieces. They are trapped in so many ways. It’s almost as if they are hostage to him. And he is a very hard person t be around. Hardly talks and if he does, it’s all absolutely awful subject matter. It’s as if he wants everyone t feel awful too. This whole situation makes me so sad and I have no idea what to do or how to help anyone. My question is...can you force help on someone who is an immovable object? Any advice, iformation or shared experience would be really appreciated!!!

Ghostlife New and need advice on best place to post
  • replies: 2

Hi, so while Im laying here exhausted on my couch listening to my 8yr old son toss and turn, Ive been searching the net for help. I am honestly lost with how to help my son with his mental health. Can anyone point me in the direction of where I can p... View more

Hi, so while Im laying here exhausted on my couch listening to my 8yr old son toss and turn, Ive been searching the net for help. I am honestly lost with how to help my son with his mental health. Can anyone point me in the direction of where I can post asking for help? The situation is so complicated and I really don't know where to turn. Thank you for reading my late night, stressed out rambling

Guest_342 Hoarding problem
  • replies: 9

Hello. I have a relative with a significant hoarding problem - the the extent that there are no longer any places to sit in the house, the kitchen and bathroom are barely useable and you cannot see the floor (I have to walk on rubbish about an inch t... View more

Hello. I have a relative with a significant hoarding problem - the the extent that there are no longer any places to sit in the house, the kitchen and bathroom are barely useable and you cannot see the floor (I have to walk on rubbish about an inch thick). I have helped previously - about 10 years ago - and the house was beautifully clear and clean afterwards. But the situation has become much much worse now. They have agreed recently to accept my help to gradually make the house liveable again. I am being very careful not to pressure them and to be sensitive to the stress of it and the reasons for it being like this in the first place. Does anyone have any tips on how to encourage them to keep the house tidy once it has been cleared? One of the biggest issues is that they compulsively buy things - mainly gifts for other people (which never end up leaving the house) and items they just don’t need. How might this compulsive buying be addressed? I care about this person and want them to enjoy their home.

kellan89 where to get help applying for DSP for Adult ADHD
  • replies: 1

I Have ADHD I was diagnosed when I was 7 or 8 (I'm 31 This Year). Work Is very Difficult to hold down and I have Multiple Failed attempts at Starting Study and never finishing it due to struggling with work and study requirements, Struggling Financia... View more

I Have ADHD I was diagnosed when I was 7 or 8 (I'm 31 This Year). Work Is very Difficult to hold down and I have Multiple Failed attempts at Starting Study and never finishing it due to struggling with work and study requirements, Struggling Financially (I don't have Family Support), getting distracted and never handing in assessments, forgetting about classes, or becoming disinterested and distracted so not completing. it is a very similar story at work, I Have had over 25 different roles since I was 14. I struggle to maintain relationships even with my family to the point where they officially disowned me at 17 years old, I have rebuilt the relationship with my parents to where I can visit kind of regularly but we can't spend more than a week around each other without some sought of conflict so I moved to a different state (they are in QLD). I have a partner we have been together over a year and the major reason for that working out is he has ADHD as well, but it has not been easy there have been a lot of fights and conflicts(though we always seem to work through them). I don't have a huge amount of people I can call friends, maybe four or five total excluding my partner. I want to take on study and get a degree and I don't believe there is any way I could possibly work at the same time. I do have a treating Psychiatrist who is very good and understand the condition well and has me on medication (though I believe it is destroying my teeth), I do not see a psychologist at the moment as I have been to a few and they have never really helped and I have not really felt comfortable with them(also im, not quite sure I understand the point of psychology sessions). I am not working currently, though I am looking for work all the time I have applied for around 100 jobs in June. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety as well and I did a stint in concord mental health Eraring unit on suicide lockdown/watch after my first partner killed himself due to religious and family rejection At the moment I am Struggling financially I do have some debts and my Centrelink barely lasts the week let alone the fortnight even with the COVID supplement. Please Your help would be fantastic in any way. If you know of any good advocacy services that would be brilliant as well

harrystyles Supporting a friend with depression
  • replies: 2

Recently my really close friend confessed to me while she was drunk that she has depression, and that she has been seeing a psychologist/therapist (I'm not really sure which), but that it's not helping at all. My friend is one of the most caring and ... View more

Recently my really close friend confessed to me while she was drunk that she has depression, and that she has been seeing a psychologist/therapist (I'm not really sure which), but that it's not helping at all. My friend is one of the most caring and kind and smart people I've met, she gets good grades and has an amazing boyfriend and friends apart from me who all love her. Despite all this I always could tell she wasn't feeling 100%, and sometimes she would have breakdowns during school and I'd spend an hour or two with her trying to help in any way I could, however she never told me what was up until now. I'm not sure the details about why she has depression, and I guess sometimes it's really difficult to explain those things anyway, but I just really want to help her and I'm not sure how to go about it. I've done some research and I came across this forum thing, and thought it was worth a shot. At the time she told me about her depression I tried my best to reassure her that she's an amazing person and that we all love her etc, but I was hoping someone on here would have some tips or at least some advice on how to go about supporting my friend. I just feel so helpless in this situation because I don't know what to do, any advice would be really appreciated.