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Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Hi

replies: 2

My name is Marama i have a 19 yr old daughter with ptsd hoping to connect with other like minded parents.

My partner, his stage 1 dementia mother and her refusal to sign POA

replies: 7

Hi everyone, I write to a particular group of BB members in desperation to hopefully receive guidence, personal experience stories, advice etc. I hope my simple title helped to explain my dilemma . There is so much involved discussion and explanation to this question that I don't wish to confuse readers due to the mention of the word dementia, it's such a broad subject so I will be blunt and precise as much as I can. I want to hear from BB members who have experienced this type of situation. A son is refused POA. His mother downgraded from stage 2 to stage 1 or medically titled low care dementia is her recent diagnosis. She is fully aware how of how POA works. This is a trust issue for her, and believes that her son will access her money in a dishonest way as soon as she signs it and believes that it'll only be a matter of time that she'll be bullied by her own son to sign it. That his her own words, that is what she says to people who bring up the subject of POA.. I will leave it at that. For those who reply, I will explain more and answer your questions truthfully. I also will promise that I will not use this opportunity to bad mouth his mother. What I need is to hear from you. If you are reading this and are saying" oh yeah..I know exactly what you are talking about" please reply. People in our lives who have had to request POA from their loved one, never had refusal! So please reply!! Thankyou for reading this:)

Worried, worried, worried

replies: 3

Hi, my 20 year old son is suffering from anxiety/depression at the moment. He hasn't been to work for over 2 weeks, he doesn't leave his room when he's home, isn't eating very much and what he does eat is rubbish, his sleep patterns are all over the place, he spends most of his time in bed, he's not communicating much with us, however we talk to him everyday to check in to see how he is but he assures us that here is nothing wrong. He has just shut down. He has been out a couple of times with his friends in the past 3 weeks but no where near what he usually does. He has had these episodes quiet a few times previously. He will not see a doctor or take medication. He just keeps saying there is nothing wrong but clearly there is. We are so worried about him and so sad to see him so unhappy in life. I have read a lot on helping someone with anxiety/depression but nothing seems to help reach him. Any help will be greatly appreciated.

Can I help him?

replies: 7

Hi everyone My partner has major depression and has done for over 10 years. We live together and have been together around 18 months. He seems to have a cycle, a great week, a good week, an ok week (where it seems he's fighting it off) and a shocking week where he literally stays in bed for days. We're in that week at the moment. He drinks a lot when he's bad, and I've just worked out he's drank our scotch - around 3 bottles in 3 days. He works from home but hasn't been 'going'. Yesterday I got a call saying that he hadnt gone to an online meeting and they were worried about him. I called her back and told her the truth but asked her to not say anything to his direct manager, to just say he was sick. I'm sleeping on the couch because our room stinks and he's a bad sleeper at the best of times but especially now - he calls out and thrashes about. Anyway he's on antidepressents which are CLEARLY not working. He is reluctant to change because he says he's 'better on these than the last ones'. He saw a new psychologist who he liked but he's only been once and cancels every other appointment (moves the appointments he says). What do I do?? How can I help? I feel so sad but I also get pissed off, like, at least call your work yourself, and how could you drink our scotch etc. I feel when he's well enough to talk again I want to say we're going back to the doctor and changing tablets or I have to leave him. But is that wrong, 'threatening' him like this? He also says he wants to start a family, which I'm sure is not a good idea when he's so unwell but he thinks will give him a reason to live. Sorry for the long first message, advice from anyone in the same boat appreciated

Trying to help my dad

replies: 5

Hi all. First time posting and was hoping for some help and guidance. My dad is not well and I’m a little lost on what to do and how to deal with it. He is 71 and retired. His love is football and swimming, but with everything going on at the moment he is going down hill. He has three gorgeous grandchildren and a supportive family around, but didn’t think he needs help. What can I do?????

Husband with low testosterone and depression

replies: 2

Hi all, First post here and seeking some advice. My husband prevents with all associated symptoms of low testosterone. This includes terrible sleep patterns, lethargy, lack of concentration, weight gain, loss of muscle strength and recent severe depression. His initial test results came back low (8) but apparently they will only commence injections if you are 6 or below. He is really struggling and after a trip to and endochronologist has been left extremely deflated, disheartened and further depressed. Has anyone undergone any type of testosterone treatmenr and found it to be beneficial. It's crazy that there can be a large range of normality, but each should be assesssed on its own merits. Thanks Z

25yo daughter depressed/anxious & almost abusive

replies: 3

My daughter returned at Xmas after 4 yrs living overseas. Tried living with her mum for a while but again, this failed as they can be like 2 bulls in 1 paddock. She came to live with me in my 2 br flat & circumstances have turned it into an absolute bloody nightmare. I know she is unwell but it is like she is 14 yo again, almost impossible to communicate with, angry, argumentative, almost bullying. Just before the virus lockdown she said she was feeling depressed & contacted a counsellor. When it hit she decided we were going to live with extreme hygiene, for example, if someone delivers a package or groceries, it gets wiped down & if, for example, I forget to wash my hands straight after touching it, she gets REALLy upset, over the top. It's got to the stage now if she thinks I haven't been hygienic [or maybe Ive forgotten one time] she becomes extremely passive-aggressive & holes herself up in her room for days. I don't see her, she'll only come out when I'm in my room. I get extremely worried, I wonder if I'm going to find her dead in her bedroom 1 day. If I knock on her door or try to talk to her I really cop it, I have given up on that. She doesn't want me to go to the shops or anything as she says I'm 'more at risk'. So now, I have to get prescriptions filled but she's not talking to me so I can't ask her. I will go tomorrow & cop it from her when she eventually finds out I went!! I said I would help her with the cleaning this weekend [she has to show me how some things I've done] but again, she's not talking to me, but she will let me have it for not having done the cleaning this weekend!! I cannot win or even have much of a conversation with her without having to agree with whatever she says. We had a pretty good adult relationship before this, it's unbelievable, my home, my sanctuary now feels like a prison of misery, I would NEVER have predicted this when she said she was returning home to Australia. I think she is still talking to the counsellor online or by phone but had some problems contacting her. I would like to ask her to see a doctor & maybe get some medication till the situation changes but, to be honest, I'm scared to talk to her as every time we talk it gets worse, she says I lie, saying things like "you say that every time & you dont do it, so don't say anything any more." I asked her to talk to friends but "no, I don't want to burden them.." I am not coping, I gave up drinking but have started again behind her back, just to cope.

Bpd

replies: 2

Sux bigtime diagnosed at 21 now51.having a label helps zilch i have other mental health as well.from what ive read here so far on bpd is that most are clueless.some nice words and encouragements and remarkbly lotsa judgements.you want peeps to understand but they dont and dont want to.it scares them..the symptoms are confronting like walking around with an exposed nerve.people dont like hearing that you feel things more deeply.afterall your dysfunctional with no friends how can you feel more .preposterous.or they give you those golden platitudes that happiness is a choice and similar baloney.and we dont blame doctors or others part of the condition is we take the blame upon ourselves for everything we beat ourselves up over n over again.mental health issues r not an excuse u want its a living hell.1 tip i give you all if u ever need new gp wait few appts b4 u mention it otherwise doctors just ignore everything you say about anything.

How to support partner with depression when he lies

replies: 2

Hi everyone is lying a part of what people seem to do when suffering depression and they seem to have addictions no matter what support you give they blame you and everyone else how do we support them thank you

Is it normal for someone suffering depression to lie and have addictions

replies: 2

Hi was wondering does anyone else have partners suffering with depression who lie and suffer from addictions is it something that's a part of depression I'm trying to understand it Trying to support and understand depression is not easy thank you so ... View more

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Hi replies: 2

My partner, his stage 1 dementia mother and her refusal to sign POA replies: 7

Worried, worried, worried replies: 3

Can I help him? replies: 7

Trying to help my dad replies: 5

Husband with low testosterone and depression replies: 2

25yo daughter depressed/anxious & almost abusive replies: 3

Bpd replies: 2

How to support partner with depression when he lies replies: 2

Is it normal for someone suffering depression to lie and have addictions replies: 2