Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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I think my sister is depressed

replies: 3

Over the past few weeks I have been noticing that my sister is becoming isolated from my family. She is 16. I was worried about her and so decided to read her journal. I know this is wrong, but I needed to know if she was ok and she isn't really open to talking to me. I read that she hates what she looks like and that she has been feeling really sad and down. She has been sleeping in until 11:00 every day to avoid having to eat breakfast. And she is only eating small portions of food for lunch and dinner. She is also doing vigorous exercise every day to try and loose weight. She is already really skinny and i think if she keeps this up she will be really hurting her body. She talked about trying of make herself sick, except she is worried that if she does myself or my parents will hear her so she doesn't. Recently she has been really stressed about school and she didn't get a prefect position for year 12 next year, which I think has made her sad. My dad is also very overbearing. He has a tendency to fat shame and is always saying that we need to exercise more and stop eating unhealthy food, and then shames us if we do. I think my dad also has a problem with the LGBTQ+ community, although he will never admit it, but every time we talk about it my sister always gets upset. So I think she may be struggling with her sexuality as well. I'm 18 myself and I don't know what to do or who to talk to about this?

Nothing seems to be working - need some new ideas to try

replies: 3

My now 16 year old daughter was diagnosed with depression almost 2 years ago now (along with anxiety and level 2 autism) She also has a long history of self harm which has recently started up again and a history of suicidal ideation and attempts which is also currently plaguing her again. We have been seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist for over two years now and have been given a lot of different strategies to try but so far it hasn't really helped. She is on antidepressants and sleeping tablets but these also don't seem to help much. I'm constantly worried about her and am always watching her moods carefully for any signs of a serious downward spiral but it is emotionally exhausting and I am desperate to find something that will make a difference but don't know what else to try. I'm keen to hear from other carers who have been through this and have hopefully come out the other side with maybe some advice for me and my daughter that could help. Thanks in advance.

Feeling stressed and drained

replies: 36

Well hear go's, I'm seeking some advice on how to manage my own stress and mental state for my current situation. My wife is bipolar 2 and borderline personality disorder, we have been together for 5 years, there have been ups and downs like everyone but no matter what I love her with everything in me, we have 3 children. Last year my wife had a terrible run with her sister commting suicide and her father dying all within 10 months which has led us to move to her home country, she was off her medication for the last 4 years until last month. This last few weeks we have moved from Australia to her home country new Zealand but now I have to come back for the next 4 months to finish up my job and stuff hear leaving her over there on her own with not support person and far distance away from any family or friends. I'm so worried and stressed that she is not going to cope, she will have a bad episode and I won't be there to help. she has all ways had problems being upfront to me with not coping or being in a bad mind set, I have my ways of telling if she is in a bad way but being so far away from her has me so messed up right now, iv expressed my concerns and worrys to her but she tells me to tuffen up or deal with it and that does nothing to help how I'm feeling about it. The 2 months leading upto the move I lost 14kg, could hardly sleep or eat without feeling anxious or like I was going to throw up. It went away for a week or 2 while we moved away and set up the new home, but now I'm back in Australia it's all come back. Other than seeing a gp which I plan to do, does anyone have any advice for coping with being so far away from you partner who suffers from these mental health conditions. Sorry if my post is messy or confusing I'm not very good at this.

Help to support a partner with depression

replies: 1

Hey there, my fionce has depression and he is in another depressive stage ( i am not sure what the technical term is for this). He claims he is exhausted both mentally and physically. Exhausted from waking up early every day to go to work and emotionally exhausted because of fights he has with me. We haven't had an argument in a long while but he goes to sleep quite angry or sad many nights whether that be because i try to talk to him about his depression or try my best to offer support or reassuring words. Sometimes i figure it's best to not say anything but even then he thinks i am mad at him when i go quiet and then gets angry or hurt thinking i am angry at him even when i say i am not. When i try to bring up his depression there's often a sense of denial or offense is taken - how dare you say i am not my normal self today or the last couple of days? when i simply try to bring up his symptoms. I feel quite often there is no real winning on what i should be doing. He doesn't like to tell me how he is feeling or will just say the bare minimum "im tired" or blame me for his anger, sadness or irritation. This is so difficult as i end up thinking what did i do wrong or what could i have done differently. Deep down i know it's not my fault his upset but hearing it continuously is very difficult. He has become very distant - doesn't want to talk to me, no affection, sleeping badly, eating badly and sometimes looks quite lifeless. I love him more than anything but i don't know how to support him. I often ask him what can i do to help you? but the response is always "i don't know" - while frustrating i don't think he really knows what triggers him or what can help him. He is very against counselling and it can be expensive so i think that's a huge deterrent. Sorry for the rant, i am feeling very overwhelmed and i don't know what i should be doing to love and support him through his bad days. Any tips please?

Wife wants separation

replies: 1

My wife and I have been together for 14 years, have been married for 8 years and have 2 youngs girls (4 and 6 years old). Last year my wife was diagnosed with depression, although she most likely had been suffering in silence for many years. She had a tough upbringing (her mother also had mental health issues), and she left home at 16.She made it through all that but I think there are many scars from that time, that affect her self esteem and self worth.When she was diagnosed,I attended one of her counselling sessions where she disclosed that she had run up credit cards debts in excess of $30k. This was not the first time in our relationship that she had spending/money issues, but previously they were smaller amounts ($5k). In any case,I tried to support her through that as much as possible.She has been on medication and we have cleared the credit cards, and she says that she has been in a good place. We have sold our house and are currently looking to but another property.At an auction last weekend, we were registered to bid and I had an understanding of what I thought our maximum amount was.However, during the auction, she was putting pressure on me to bid well in excess of what I thought our agreed maximum was.I refused to do so, as the house needed work, would probably require us to live in it for some time (which she had expressed reluctance to), and there was risk with respect to future renovation costs. In the pressure situation, I became quite annoyed and was dismissive of her badgering,telling her to stop. Following the auction, she told me I was a useless husband and pathetic excuse for a man, and that I need to grow some balls.She feels that this has verified her opinion that I do not treat her with respect, or value her opinions.She has perceived my refusal to increase our bid as confirmation of my opinion of her.She feels that it was a moment of enlightenment for her, and that she no longer wants to be with someone like me. Over the past 6 months, she has also stopped talking to my brother's wife, and she has stated that she only wants to surround herself with people who make her feel positive. As our daughter has recently started school, she has focussed on developing new friendship groups with other mothers. I think this is positive, but I also wonder if perhaps she sees me as a person who does not make her feel positive and so is looking to cut me out of her life. I do not want to lose my wife & kids.Any help would be great.Thanks

My dad is drinking again and I feel powerless.

replies: 2

Hello. I'm hoping someone here can help. Growing up my dad drank a lot. My mum had her number of mental health issues and their relationship always appeared very toxic. My dad was also always in a high pressure job. He's verbally and almost physically aggressive when he drinks or he acts giddy and over the top motivational. I can tell. I moved out of home a ago. During that time my mum and him finally got divorced and both seemed happier. Dad got a new girlfriend. She's simply lovely and he always talks about how happy he is. But I just found out he's drinking again. And not just a little. 12 cans with a game of football and with his girlfriend there. He hadn't been working for about 5 years but he just got a full time job. My sister also has special needs and he's become a full time career (that was mostly my mum's responsibility much of her life). But things seem okay. I can't understand it. And being out of home, I didn't even know until my sister told me a couple days ago he isn't okay. Tell me, what can I do? My dad is traditional, doesn't believe in seeking help, he's always been great at denying there's an issue, I'm not sure he'd even know. He's been in a state of drunkenness for years so much some people don't know. He stopped for the last couple years. We got really close. When he drinks, he's just a scary person, when he doesn't we have long beautiful conversations. I don't want to lose him. I just feel I can't get him back. Without being there, I can't talk to him. I think I'm the closest person to him. Maybe I'm rambling. But honestly, I love him so much it breaks my heart.

I don't know what else to do as a carer

replies: 7

I don't know what else to do. My grandpa is 84 years old and lives with me and my family. Most of his friends have been long gone. I'm worried about his mental health. He stays in his room all-day and then when the time comes he will eat in our dining room. However, every time I try to encourage him to go for a walk with me, sit out in our backyard to see the sunset or watch tv with our family he will refuse. He does not even eat dinner with us or want to sit out in the lounge room with us. It's just him and his room. I have to reveal that he is a hoarder so everything is piled up to the roof with things that he owns and things that he has picked up off the street. I don't know much about hoarders lifestyle but maybe he has an emotional attachment to everything he hoards so he stays in his room all day? I've always been worried about my grandpa and the lifestyle he lives but after truly realising the impact of isolation due to covid, I am now extra worried. It is especially concerning to me as he has no living friends nor does he want to go to senior centres to interact with other seniors. I try to make small talk with him every day, telling him that the weather is nice or that the wind is beautiful but he never engages back other than 'yes it is'. I hate to think that this is what his last remaining years will look like... isolation, no social interaction.. just years in his room. I understand that the elderly do not have the same stamina as our younger selves, and that may be the reason why he does not want to do many things. But our family have bought him a walking stick and a walking aid for him to use so he'll feel more secure. However, he refuses to use these as he believes he does not need them. The past few years whenever we would try and help him be more comfortable he has refused our help. It's frustrating to see. I don't understand it as all we try to do is help him. He has even thrown out his bed and instead sleeps on a wooden plank because he said its better for his back. I think that was the most heartbreaking to see for us. It seems to be that he wants to be... uncomfortable? I have a theory that he lives this type of lifestyle because he is religious and believes in reincarnation. So maybe he thinks that if he suffers in this world he will be rewarded in the next? but I would hate to think that is the reason to refuse any help from his family members. I'm worried he might be depressed. Should I be concerned? Any response will be welcomed.

DEPRESSED HUSBAND POSSIBLE UNDIAGNOSED AUTISM SPECTRUM/MUSICIAN

replies: 2

15 years ago when I met my husband he was a fast talking, successful musician, who swept me off my feet with his witty conversation, and the way he made me feel special. We clicked from the start. To others though, they regularly told me "I can't get a word in?" and I noticed his family say "Shut up" a lot to him. His friendships were with other musicians, and school friends, but no new friendships. In 15 years, we haven't formed any mutual friendships. He talks about particular subjects of his interests in length, and if you change the subject, it will be returned to those topics. Working with other people has posed problems, he doesn't fit in easily. Family are not tolerant of his quirkiness, and instead, just ignore him in family gatherings on my side. He is currently not working, and depressed. Having been to 6 Psychology appointments and then seeing a GP that has not helped, he is frustrated beyond belief. We argue all the time and he feels I don't understand. If I don't agree with his point of view, there is an argument. He no longer does anything with me that isn't involving something he wants to do. Rarely exercises, doesn't want to get out of bed in the mornings. I am stunned at the lack of help he has had medically. It is very isolating loving a man who won't socialize. He has lost his sense of self worth without a career, having injured himself and had surgeries. Over 50 and finding it difficult to choose a new career, and having heard the budget 2020, now wondering where his future lies. How do you get help for a man who is extremely intelligent, who has no idea that people who meet him, or family who ask me, "Does he have Autism, or Bipolar, or ADHD, or is he displaying Narcosis behavior??????" I know he is depressed! Should I stay or should I go? I love him! He is my everything. Good medical help is difficult to find....

Looking for some emotional support

replies: 3

Hello, I’m struggling with depression. I’m not sure if talking to others will help, but I haven't got any better ideas, so I might as well give it a try. When you’re depressed it’s difficult to muster up the inner strength to do anything to help yourself, to lift yourself out of the pit. I get in a negative headspace, my situation looks hopeless, so why bother trying to do anything about it. I’m in difficult life circumstances. I’m a full time carer for my partner who has cancer. Over 5 years ago he was told he had 12 months to live, but he’s still here thanks to new treatment drugs which have worked for him. That is good news of course, but the downside is he is very much diminished, physically and emotionally. He is basically an invalid, can’t do much at all, even self-care. It’s been such a long time, there have been so many ups and downs. I am so tired. It’s not physically difficult, but I’m emotionally exhausted. You just wish for it to be over, but then feel bad for wishing it, because the only way this can be over is when he dies. So you feel like you just wished he would die. One thing I find very difficult is my job is to support him, to enhance his quality of life as best I can. And when you do that for a long time you kind of run out of caring. You don’t have anything left to help yourself. So that’s my sad story and it’s not surprising I would be mentally and emotionally exhausted. I need to find some more inner strength and stamina. It’s not a finite resource, it gets replenished and not all the days are this hard. But I am also slowly getting weaker, just like he is, and I won’t make the distance if I don’t start paying more attention to my own care. And that feels hard because it seems like I’m adding to my caring load when I’m struggling. Now I have to look after him as well as cry-baby me.

Supporting a depressed partner who does not want therapy... Need advice.

replies: 2

I'm at a loss. After what I thought was a really good week, I found out he was feeling depressed most of the time, and when he was feeling happy, he'd start to have anxiety and take medication. So he has had a no good week and I thought it was good the whole time. He told me this morning he was feeling so depressed lately, just wanted to sleep all the time, and is betting everything on him feeling better when we move. I asked him to try therapy - honestly probably the 50th time I've asked him. He tried it once a year ago for anxiety, and while I know it helped (he started going outside more and having more insight into his mental health) he doesn't think it did anything. So he doesn't want to do it again. He says "they'll just tell me to exercise and stop being sad, and they won't tell me anything I don't know already" and he won't believe me when I tell him that's not true. He is on antidepressants. He says he feels dizzy most of the time from them and brain-fog. I asked him if he wants to try a different dose or switch to a different antidepressant altogether, and he just says "eh" and changes the subject. I really don't know what to do. I can't express how incredibly disheartening it is to hear he still feels this way and after this long, and still won't try anything. For the past few months he has been in bed maybe 70% of the time. He spends almost every waking minute just looking at his phone. He showers/brushes his teeth about once a week. I've tried everything I can think of and I know this might sound really self-centred but it's starting to depress me that I can't change anything for him or get him to change anything. I've heard so many mixed messages about ultimatums, but most of what I've read says do not give your partners ultimatums to go to therapy. I feel like if I did he would just not put effort into the therapy anyway as he'd feel like he was forced to be there. Another thing that is getting to me, is that I don't have any gauge for how bad it is. If he laughs occasionally, doesn't cry, and sometimes talks about things he's looking forward to - then maybe things aren't as dire and I don't need to feel so messed up? I am just scared. Scared nothing will change. Scared he has no hope. Scared he will only get worse. Scared that I'm doing the wrong thing by him. I don't know what to do.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

I think my sister is depressed replies: 3

Nothing seems to be working - need some new ideas to try replies: 3

Feeling stressed and drained replies: 36

Help to support a partner with depression replies: 1

Wife wants separation replies: 1

My dad is drinking again and I feel powerless. replies: 2

I don't know what else to do as a carer replies: 7

DEPRESSED HUSBAND POSSIBLE UNDIAGNOSED AUTISM SPECTRUM/MUSICIAN replies: 2

Looking for some emotional support replies: 3

Supporting a depressed partner who does not want therapy... Need advice. replies: 2