Blast from the past

Wanderlust123 · ‎28-05-2020

Hi all,

I recently experienced a blast from the past when an old work colleague messaged me out of the blue for the first time in five years. When we worked together we would occasionally make small talk, however he suddenly started messaging me every day, replying within minutes of me messaging him back and he would always keep the conversation going or be the first to start a new conversation. I soon found out he has depression and for the past couple of months has been working hard to recover and only now is opening up about how he is feeling. He never mentioned this to me, I discovered this upon reading multiple posts on social media which received a lot of support from his friends and family.

After talking for a week I mentioned my boyfriend in conversation to which he was rather apologetic about not realised I had a partner and was worried he had made it awkward. I explained it was okay to chat and I was glad he reached out. He also had previously mentioned us catching up however cancelled on me the day of our plans. Since then, I haven't heard from him in almost two weeks. Normally I would take this as an indicator that he was looking for more, however he hasn't seen or talking to me in years.

I am writing this as I would like some advice on how best to approach the situation. I would like to reach out to him to see how he is going, however I find the whole situation bizarre as I haven't been in his life for so long. I don't understand why he contacted me and was persistent in chatting - at the time I thought he might be lonely and could be looking for a friend but on social media he seems really popular. Also he went cold after hearing I have a boyfriend, but he never gave the impression he was flirting with me. I am happy to be his friend and want to help him how I can, I am just left feeling confused.

Is it common to reach out to people from your past when you are on a journey of recovery? Should I make contact or just leave it?

All advice welcome.

white knight · ‎28-05-2020

Hi, welcome

I would assume he has had an attraction with you for all this time, is lonely and seeking romance.

Perhsps a small lesson for you and others reading is to mention you have a partner within your first conversation.

He could now be embarrassed but your empathy is to be admired.

My advice is to contact him to let him know that if he thinks a friendship will be possible then you are happy to have him as one.

TonyWK

Jesicca · ‎29-05-2020

Hi Wanderlust123,

I don't think it would hurt to reach out and mention that you are keen on maintaining a friendship, especially if he is working towards recovery and has reached out with you to begin with because it is clear that you have had a positive impact in his life. He may very well have had feelings for you and feel embarrassed that you have a boyfriend but if you go out of your way to let him know that you want a friendship he might be able to overcome this embarrassment. Don't be afraid to reach out to check on him and be clear on what you want, it's always nice to have someone check up on you.

SarahZ · ‎29-05-2020

Hi Wanderlust123,

Thanks for reaching out!

The fact that he messaged you after 5 years shows that you likely made a lasting impact in his life. It is likely that he was developing an attraction towards you and might now feel uncomfortable knowing you have a boyfriend. However, just as Jessica said, it is always nice when someone reaches out to check up on you. I'm sure any support he receives along his journey to recovery will be appreciated. If you fear he might become attached, maybe see if he is willing to pursue a friendship first? Obviously it is hard jumping to conclusions about whether or not he was romantically interested even if it does seem likely - reading emotions online is never easy! I do think he will appreciate you checking up on him. However, if you feel he begins blurring the lines between friendship and romance just being upfront and asking whether or not he sees the potential for purely a friendship might prevent future pain for both parties.

Wishing you all the best!

Wanderlust123 · ‎02-06-2020

Thank you all for your advice.

I reached out over the weekend and started a casual conversation. We chatted a bit which went well, but then he pulled away and I haven't heard from him since. From what I gather he is going well, although we didn't really talk about how he is feeling.

Compared to a few weeks ago where he was messaging me constantly, I am now left a bit disheartened by the lack of interaction. Ironically it is now me who is wanting to find a friend in him as I enjoyed talking to somebody new. Instead, I am telling myself not to message as I worry he is no longer interested in chatting to me (I guess the whole boyfriend thing has made him step back), I'm telling myself he is giving me the cold shoulder, that if he wants to talk then he will message me and I am overthinking the whole situation.

I am going to stay positive, and stop worrying so much. Friendships take time to develop and the priority here is for him to focus on recovery.

SarahZ · ‎27-06-2020

Hi Wanderlust123,

Thanks for updating us - means a lot.

Your last sentence was so well put together 'Friendships take time to develop and the priority here is for him to focus on recovery'. Your mindset is wonderful and intentions are great. Hopefully he realises what a good friend you are and reaches out again once he is in a better head space.