Not sure how to help a friend

[Kara107]

My friend has been dealing with depression for a number of years now and I am unsure how to help her without coming across as being pushy or making her feel worse than she already does.

She has tried using online resources but did not find them to be helpful, and I am unable to get her to make an appointment with her GP to get a mental health plan, let alone get her to talk to a professional.

I have broached the topic of suicide with her as she recently had a break-up and I was concerned that she is having suicidal thoughts. She told me that she is, but I don’t believe her to be in any immediate danger to herself at this stage. She also lives in a different state to me, so I am unable to physically spend time with her to check in on how she is doing.

If anyone has any suggestions of how I can help my friend who doesn’t seem to want to help herself, it would be greatly appreciated.

[Croix]

Dear Kara107~

Welcome here, it's a horrible position to be in and I guess you end you with two problems, that of your friend but, just as important though is your welfare. You might not think so at the moment, we all think we can be inexhaustible wells of help for those we care about, but the truth is we have limits - which we may not realise -and to keep on going unsupported can leave you ill too.

So may I ask you about your support? Having a friend who is depressed with suicidal thoughts is terrible, and if you add to that the the frustration of not being physically with her, it gets worse.

Do you have a family member or good freind you can lean on right now? Trying to navigate all this by yourself is so hard. My wife had her mum nearby to lend her both physical and emotional help when I was suicidal with depression and other matters.

I'd also suggest a visit to your GP, who can keep an eye on your physical and mental state. This may just be an unneeded precaution but can do no harm. It may be a source of advice.

Keeping yourself healthy, with exercise, good nutrition and adequate sleep helps too, as does having a small treat to look forward to each day.

You may wonder why I've spent so much time on you - it's because you can do these things you are in control

With your friend you have no control, she does. Keeping a person alive does depend a bit on those around them, a lot on their medical team, and most importantly a little bit from them too. In my case that little bit was reaching out to someone I trusted after years of silence and several attempts to take my life

There is no doubt if your friend is having suicidal thoughts that she does need professional help -plus the support of those that care

You have tried and not been able to get her to see a doctor. Hammering away at it will probably be counter-productive. Instead friendship, listening with compassion and letting her know you will be there for her, may be the best you can do right now. Plus anything enjoyable you can do together

If you feel she is in imminent danger of harming herself or another you ring 000. You may think it a breach of faith, but that is better than the possible alternative.

Does your friend herself have finds or family who might have a better chance of getting her to see a doctor? If so maybe talk with them.

Incidentally with on-line phone or chat lines I'd suggest the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) - for either of you, they give advice too.

Croix