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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Jase1544 Help.... just found out my partner has BPD
  • replies: 1

he started to accuse me of looking at women in public to the point she would get so angry and cause a scene. This has happened many times, at my 5 year old nieces birthday party and another time she accused me of having the hots for my cousin. Its be... View more

he started to accuse me of looking at women in public to the point she would get so angry and cause a scene. This has happened many times, at my 5 year old nieces birthday party and another time she accused me of having the hots for my cousin. Its been intense and constant. We cannot go anywhere and have a good time without something triggering her. I have a 5 year old daughter to my ex wife. Whilst my partner has always been nice and kind to my daughter I feel there is animosity and jealousy towards my daughter , she seems to look for things to pick about behaviour or things my daughter may say. .. and there's the ex wife... my partner refused to meet my ex wife for a long time and has caused me great stress every time have to communicate with my daughters mum. She will listen to the conversation and make up crazy scenarios about us still loving each other and wanting to get back together... its completely ridiculous, she will even open my mail and go through my phone in an attempt to find evidence to back up her beliefs. She will look at texts between myself and my daughters mothers and get enraged. The msgs are simply communicating about caring for my daughter. I honestly feel like she picks and criticises me all the time like everything I do is not good enough or could be better. She has manipulated me into staying by threatening self harm etc. She has even staged a hospital visit in order for me to feel sorry for her. Its been an absolute train wreck where I feel I'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't We have fights that turn into yelling and swearing at each other. I often feel like I'm attacked and backed into a corner with no where to go. She then calls me abusive when she instigated the fight and escalated.... i get worried she will take her allegations further in order to play victim. I have recently got her to go into hospital to get help. She has been diagnosed with BPD and has said she is sorry for everything and that she wants to change.

aprilmayyy Lost on what to do and feeling stuck
  • replies: 1

I suffered PTSD from an assault I experienced a year ago. Once I started to feel better and go back to normal, my partner's feelings about the situations began to turn. He questioned me for not coming to him earlier about the event and saw this as a ... View more

I suffered PTSD from an assault I experienced a year ago. Once I started to feel better and go back to normal, my partner's feelings about the situations began to turn. He questioned me for not coming to him earlier about the event and saw this as a breach of trust. I understand completely where he comes from but I feel as though he can not, and will not ever be able to understand the emotional damage the event caused me. Over he past few months his mood has changed as he becomes depressed and unmotivated in every aspect of his life. He has hardly initiated sex or said that he loves me. He will have really high highs then he will spiral out of control over something small. He will default to being rude to me and take out everything on me. Sometimes when we are together everything will be fine and then I go to work and he will text me saying how sad he is and that he doesn't think he right in the head. He has messaged suicidal intentions and sometimes will not reply to anyone, scaring us all. He has always suffered from depression and anxiety and it something we have always talked about. When we first started going out he mentioned how his last GF had left him due to his 'dark' times and he could never forgive her. He refuses to speak to anyone, when he has never even tried one. I am here for him 100% through all this but the way he treats me when he hits the down periods is really starting to effect me. I feel as though I can't leave him, he gets jealous of my friends, he will message me very scary messages as soon as he has left me. I am now developing anxiety as I'm scared of what he will do when he is not with me. He's pushed all his friends away and relies on me heavily. Just today he has gone from having a lovely morning to rock bottom, texting me while I'm work, a complete mess. I love him so much but this is not healthy for my own mental state as well as his. I am only 25 years old and having recently gone through an assault and trauma want nothing more than a happy life which I have worked hard for in the last few months. I feel lost and stuck and don't know what else I can do to offer support to the one I love who is also now struggling.

Kellie14 I don’t know what to do
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, my husband has depression and some anxiety. Sometimes he’s great, but when he’s down, he’s down. I try my hardest to support him the best I can. He has just told me that he is unhappy in our marriage and with his work and everything else... View more

Hi everyone, my husband has depression and some anxiety. Sometimes he’s great, but when he’s down, he’s down. I try my hardest to support him the best I can. He has just told me that he is unhappy in our marriage and with his work and everything else. He doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to talk about it and he doesn’t want to see anybody about it. He says there is something in his life missing and he doesn’t know what it is or how to figure out what it is. What do I do? I don’t know weather to talk to him or give him space. Thanks in advance

elsewhere Burn out supporting someone in depression
  • replies: 6

My flatmate is struggling with long-term depression & major current life events incl terminal illness of a loved one. I'm v introverted, w high anxiety that's worse than it's ever been so I need a bit of quiet recharge time. We've been v good friends... View more

My flatmate is struggling with long-term depression & major current life events incl terminal illness of a loved one. I'm v introverted, w high anxiety that's worse than it's ever been so I need a bit of quiet recharge time. We've been v good friends for yrs, before we lived together often talked each other through mental health stuff. Now we live together, I've become his daily go to for emotional support, which I want to give. But he increasingly wants to spend several hrs most days talking through his feelings, doubts, etc. This might be ok, except these talks are mainly him repeating black&white negative thinking, and arguing hard against any other perspective. His first repsonse to any alternative view is to double down on his negative thought. For months I've been asking him to get counselling/see a psych bc of what's going on in his life. He's refused, says it's pointless, I'm the only one he can talk to, I get him through. I've explained that while ofc he can talk to me, I need time to recharge. If I ever say I just need to tap out for tonight after several hrs talk, he responds badly. Last wknd after talking through a very low day for 5 hrs, him (again) angrily mocking treatment & any alternative or positive idea I offered, I snapped & stormed out. He said he 'knows he puts too much on me' but still I'm the only one he can talk to. I say I want to support him & he can talk to me but this is why he also needs to speak to a professional who can guide him. He gets guilty about it, but keeps doing it. I'm starting to feel like I'm the only one he'll talk to bc I let him just unload all his feelings and then argue him out of them but I can't do it at this intense level every day. I know he's trying in a way but he won't get help. Even after we spoke about how I love & support him but can't fix it for him and can't do this all the time, he keeps pushing me for more, while arguing against anything I say. Its always overwhelmingly negative & takes a lot of emotional energy. If I ask to just pause after doing this several hours several nights/week, he comments how it makes him sad/guilty but tries to keep drawing me back into that convo. I DO get that he's struggling and want to help but I'm feeling panicky that I can't ever tap out. Feel awful that I snapped & scared I'm going to make him worse if I get more panicked & resentful, his response to my needing space is so self-critical. So not coping myself & feel I'm making it worse w my reaction. Help?

Morganafae I need help to support my ex
  • replies: 5

I don't have enough room here to say everything. my ex and I used to live next door to each other when we were kids (he was 3 and I was 10) so we've known each other for a very long time (except for the period after my family moved but it was like lo... View more

I don't have enough room here to say everything. my ex and I used to live next door to each other when we were kids (he was 3 and I was 10) so we've known each other for a very long time (except for the period after my family moved but it was like love at first sight when we saw each other again as adults). So when I say he's my ex, he's more than just my ex. 3yrs ago he became really depressed and we were still together then so I tried to help him. When he said he didn't want a relationship I still tried to support him. Then he said he didn't think him saying that would mean we would break up. So we got back together but his depression got worse and he ended up using drugs, then he dumped me saying he didn't want to drag me down with him. I still tried to help him for 18 months after that. I tried to convince him to get help for the drugs and the depression, and I offered to go with him to his appointments. I was frustrated and it was starting to take a toll on me and I told him he had to get help because I didn't think I could stick around much longer for someone who was self destructing and not getting help. He told me he always knew I would walk away. That made me feel bad. I tried to help him for a few more months but he started saying some really hurtful things and it started really getting me down. So I gave him some space but still kept checking in on him. A year ago I realised I had to leave him alone entirely because I couldn't do anything for him. I didn't speak to him for a few months but then I heard he was in hospital. He could have died, so I messaged because I couldn't go to the hospital to see him, but I heard nothing from him until August when he emailed me saying he was getting clean and was seeing a therapist. He said he loves me and wants us to try again when he was better. I agreed, told him we would need therapy together. he was supposed to come see me but he didn't, instead he went to another state for a job. I wasn't worried about it because I thought the job would be good for him. The problem is he goes through these periods of saying nothing. He doesn't communicate. I need him to tell me when he's depressed because I can't see it in another state. A simple note so I don't worry. I had a two month period of not a single word from him. Then a few weeks ago he said he wants us to be together and we talked fine for a few days but now we're back to silence again. I'm so frustrated. I never know what's going on or how to help.

Nico_B Going At Your Own Gentle Pace
  • replies: 2

Hi all, Below is the name of an article that I just read and enjoyed. Although a slightly provocative headline, I see it as having a balanced approach and reasonable outlook for how to face the coming weeks and months. The key takeaway for me is to: ... View more

Hi all, Below is the name of an article that I just read and enjoyed. Although a slightly provocative headline, I see it as having a balanced approach and reasonable outlook for how to face the coming weeks and months. The key takeaway for me is to: remember to be gentle with ourselves and with each other right now. Everyone is different, we all process things differently and we're all doing the best we can. "Why You Should Ignore All That Coronavirus-Inspired Productivity Pressure" by Aisha S. Ahmad on Chronicle website. Enjoy! Nico

Carer07 Another Newbie to the Beyond Blue Community
  • replies: 16

Hi All, I have been reading a couple threads and have seen some positive and supportive responses (I had no doubts as to expect this). A little about my situation: I have been helping in supporting my mother whom suffers major depression (for 35+ yea... View more

Hi All, I have been reading a couple threads and have seen some positive and supportive responses (I had no doubts as to expect this). A little about my situation: I have been helping in supporting my mother whom suffers major depression (for 35+ years), over the couple years I have been trying to support my mum in developing her self-worth and encouraging her to want to care for her health & wellbeing and to want to find enjoyment in life as she often feels she has nothing worth living for. She has extremely low self-esteem, confidence, consideration of herself, and has suicidal thoughts (although swears that she would not commit suicide after two of my cousins doing so). She struggles to function in every day life, unable to manage her finances well, physical self-care, house maintenance etc. My mum has just had a support plan approved by NDIS, which I am excited about. I am still worried however of my mother's struggle to commit to change as this has been very difficult when trying to help her establish good habits that'll make her life easier. The fact that she has come to the point where she doesn't want to feel miserable every day is amazing but it is very difficult helping to support her from that to her taking the actions to change and to keep moving forward. I have older siblings that help to support her as well although, as they have more (unsuccessful) experience with trying to help mum in the past they do not hold much expectation or hope/belief that she will make anything really better of herself other than just function. I have found it difficult to stay positive and hopeful for mum against this stark view which may be realistic of the situation but, nevertheless depressing (and that they think me being naive and having too high an expectation). I believe that like anyone else, my mum deserves to enjoy her life and it's never too late for that and I want to support and encourage this. I hope to be able to connect with others and be able to share these kind of experiences/feelings to help lessen the sense of loneliness, helplessness and days (like today) when I am low on hope that mum wants to change enough to commit. Thanks for reading, I look forward to hearing from you.

elephant_07 Friend who is depressed, relapsed, hidden things etc.
  • replies: 6

Sorry the title of this thread isn't great. My questions seem to be a part of many threads, but here goes. My friend about 2-years ago was depressed. They stopped going to university, but they didn't tell anyone about this. They would pretend to thei... View more

Sorry the title of this thread isn't great. My questions seem to be a part of many threads, but here goes. My friend about 2-years ago was depressed. They stopped going to university, but they didn't tell anyone about this. They would pretend to their partner at the time and friends (they lived together) that they were going to uni, make stories up of what they did in the day etc. This went on for about a month or two, until the partner found out. My friend didn't say much about it at all and to this day I still feel like I no little about it. Anyway, they went to see a GP and were provided some medication. My friend and their partner eventually split, my friend never told me about this. It required their partner to notify me. My friend didn't tell anyone or acknowledge this happened, even though they knew I at least knew. This went of for a month and would have longer, but I eventually told our friends. Fast forward, the pretty much identical situation happens again. My friend quits uni and work and tells no one. I saw the signs and chatted to another friend, we decided I was probably reading too much into things. I also asked my friend and they said things were good. I found out through another friend who worked at the same place as my friend that they had quit. Again, my friends partner did not know this until I chatted with them. My friend was hiding the fact they had quit their job again. So my questions are what can myself and his current partner do? Can we go with my friend to their GP sessions (cause we don't really know much about it all) ? They lie and pretend like nothing is happening (is this what people with depression do? My friend may have more then depression but we don't know!

Ghr29 Is my partner depressed?
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone! My partner of 9 years has recently come to me and said he is no longer happy in our relationship. This come as a total shock to myself as we never fight/ argue (sometimes bicker) and things have always been good or so I thought. We have ... View more

Hi everyone! My partner of 9 years has recently come to me and said he is no longer happy in our relationship. This come as a total shock to myself as we never fight/ argue (sometimes bicker) and things have always been good or so I thought. We have a 3 year old son also. He is saying he loves me and will always love me and care for me etc but just isn't happy anymore? He has undiagnosed sleep apnea which he refuses to do anything about so is forever tired. I feel like this has contributed to how he is feeling but I'm wondering if he could also be depressed? He has lost interest in things he enjoyed doing, everyone around him frustrates him including close friends.. He is going through a stressful situation at work (prior to the covid 19 pandemic) and am wondering if maybe everything has become to much for him and I am taking the brunt of it? I have suspected that he may have depression for the past few years. Starting with a job that was extremely stressful. Once he resigned from this position he was a different person. Then he slowly slipped back to his old self when our car blew up. He drove a cheap car for a few months and then we got him a new car as he said this was making him down. Once we got the new car things were good again for a little while. Now he is saying that everything he thought was the reason behind his depressed feelings wasn't and that it must be our relationship. Could he have depression? Or does it sound like maybe our relationship has taken a toll on his mental health? Sorry I know there are so many parts to my question!! Thanks!

Cloud_like Managing grief & setting boundaries
  • replies: 3

Hello everyone i have a son 21 away at uni who has ADHD depression anxiety & PTSD. Yes quite a bit to cope with & he has always been a sensitive person so I have tried to be as supportive as possible as he has a difficult relationship with his father... View more

Hello everyone i have a son 21 away at uni who has ADHD depression anxiety & PTSD. Yes quite a bit to cope with & he has always been a sensitive person so I have tried to be as supportive as possible as he has a difficult relationship with his father who was very emotionally abusive to him in teenage years & has untreated. ptsd & substance use issues. i have tried too hard i think & always been available to my so n & always given him money whenever he asked but now realise that wasn’t helpful to either of us & he spent a lot of last year drinking alcohol & even possible substance use plus cigarette smoking - still does. Guess I need tips about putting boundaries in as I find it incredibly difficult. There’s some guilt in me that I left his father & didn’t realise the emotional abuse that was going on. However I have been ‘loving too much’ or being a ‘walk over’ . Am very sweet & nurturing by nature so saying ‘no’ isn’t easy . Any ideas? Thank you all xx a