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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Scheherazade When is a boundary not a boundary?
  • replies: 2

Slightly jokey title, serious topic. Long story short: Husband of many, many years has depression. A few years ago he had a big life change and announced he was queer and polyamorous. It's been a wild ride and I'm sure you can all appreciate the amou... View more

Slightly jokey title, serious topic. Long story short: Husband of many, many years has depression. A few years ago he had a big life change and announced he was queer and polyamorous. It's been a wild ride and I'm sure you can all appreciate the amount of discussion and negotiation this required. I've been very supportive but I've set some very definite boundaries in order to protect my own mental health. I think they're pretty straightforward. They include 1) Sex should only happen when both of us want it. This one seems like a no brainer but honestly it took me a long time to learn about consent and being able to say no. 2) Language should be respectful. Avoid put downs, insults, condescension. Here's the thing though. If he says he's depressed, then my boundaries aren't important any more. He goes on long, angry rants about the smallest things. If I pull him up on his language, I'm a monster because he TOLD me he's depressed so can't I just suck it up and take the verbal abuse? And then there's the sex boundary. If he's depressed, and he 'needs the connection' to feel better, then it doesn't matter if I'm exhausted from doing the lion's share of the housework and parenting, feeling empty because of the constant verbal abuse, or just not in the mood... if I say 'no' then I'm a horrible partner for not giving him what he's told me he NEEDS to feel better. OK so obviously all of the above is emotionally loaded and you're just hearing my side of it but... help? Advice? Opinions?

Justcoping Supporting young adult bi polar son
  • replies: 1

My son has bi polar and has moved out from home and has cut all contact with myself, his siblings and relatives. This is just crushing and I’ve given him a couple of weeks space, have tried contacting him but refuses to reply. We have always been ext... View more

My son has bi polar and has moved out from home and has cut all contact with myself, his siblings and relatives. This is just crushing and I’ve given him a couple of weeks space, have tried contacting him but refuses to reply. We have always been extremely close and he has been extremely close also with my mum. I would like some advice as to how to deal with this please.

Pointyman Wife's depression and anxiety take toll on me. Advice?
  • replies: 2

Hi guys, this is more of a reach out on people who have experience in taking care of themselves. Short rundown. She has grown up in a difficult home, endured parents divorce, raised her two younger brothers and lost one of them due to cancer, spent m... View more

Hi guys, this is more of a reach out on people who have experience in taking care of themselves. Short rundown. She has grown up in a difficult home, endured parents divorce, raised her two younger brothers and lost one of them due to cancer, spent many years being the emotional crutch for everyone including her parents (which granted she is not good at setting boundaries). We've been married for 4 years, have 2 amazing kids, everything else is going well in our lives so not too many triggers. The only triggers are our parents but it is subjective because she has a more difficult time dealing with their quirks and just general life turbulence like, annoying people in the supermarket, not getting what she wants because it wasn't on sale or when I accidentally throw away a plastic box that's cluttering up the kitchen when she planned to use it for something (No, I'm no mind reader, I'm just trying to clean the kitchen). A lot of these anxieties and depression states stems from her upbringing which split into a lot of other issues like victim mentality. But look, I'm not bashing my wife, she's wonderful and compassionate, I'm super happy to serve and love her even when she's unlovable. This post is more for a precaution for me because I'm starting to see where I'm going. So I've employed reflective listening for her, doing my best not to try and fix everything that pops up because as a guy I know that's what I do naturally. Giving an empathetic ear as consistently as possible anytime she wants to rant, even about suicide. I try to avoid giving advice, instead reflect back what she has said to me, even trying to help articulate her points clearer to show that I care. And I do. What I'm worried about is myself. I'm starting to feel like I don't care anymore. It's wearing me thin to be honest. I'm short, I start to hear her getting triggered by something menial and I can already feel my blood boiling because that's the ideal situation for her to collect ammo to throw back and express her idea "See? I told you everything is hopeless!" I have taken steps to ensure I exercise, eat well, get enough sleep but of course I sometimes snap, feel apathetic and just downright angry which isn't helpful. If anyone has advice on what strategies they've employed to ensure their tank is full please post! I'd like to hear them. I'm about 40% emotional capacity right now, I can feel myself getting lower which is the last thing I want.

Flora99 Mum with delusional personality
  • replies: 1

Hi, My mum started having delusional thoughts about five years ago. Things such as people are going out of their way to upset her like planting dirt in the house or she doesn't believe things have happened and thinks we're all playing pranks on her, ... View more

Hi, My mum started having delusional thoughts about five years ago. Things such as people are going out of their way to upset her like planting dirt in the house or she doesn't believe things have happened and thinks we're all playing pranks on her, it can be very inappropriate such as her not believeing her sisters husband died of cancer. When I spend time with her she always harps on about our childhood and she didn't do enough and I am constantly having to reassure her that my childhood was good. She gets emotional alot and at first I was comforting her and now I avoid the how are you subject and keep conversations as light hearted as possible. I also don't really spend time alone with her any more as this is when her behaviour is the worst. I have 9 month old son, my family is my priority and I've expressed this to both my parents. Dad copes with mum best he can but I know sometimes he can lose his cool and vents to me about it. I've told him how to better deal with her but I'm not sure I could deal with my partner constantly having delusional thoughts. Dad has recently said he can't cope and said he feels like leaving her. I told him I would understand if he did but if he's only saying that out if frustration then to get some counselling for himself. I told him I wish I could do more but I just can't as discussing mum all the time really gets me down and I really want to break the cycle of depression and other mental illness in our family to ensure my child is given to best chance for a happy life. My partners family are more 'normal'and just talk about everyday things. I wish my family were the same. I feel guilty that I can't help dad with mum any more, but I know being around their negativity really gets me down so either way I'm trying to protect myself by setting boundaries but then feel guilty for not giving my dad the support he really needs.

Olly123 Worried about my husband
  • replies: 2

Hi, my husband of 10 years has shut down. Hes no longer on antidepressants. He stopped after 16 years of use approx 12 months ago. He was doing really well off them but i dont know if this just a brief sadness or something to worry about. He hasnt wo... View more

Hi, my husband of 10 years has shut down. Hes no longer on antidepressants. He stopped after 16 years of use approx 12 months ago. He was doing really well off them but i dont know if this just a brief sadness or something to worry about. He hasnt worked for 10 years. His self worth is terrible im sure. He recently joined the rfs after the bushfires. He was going well but a long standing knee injury has been finalky diagnosed as a stage 3 chronial fissure which is pre osteoarthritis. Hes 35. Since he seen the dr about his knee hes quit rfs and wont talk anymore. I begged him to and he says he has nothing to say. Im concerned he'll hurt himself. He said thanks for caring. How do i get him to talk. Im worried.

GinnyLuna Struggling to cope with my husbands mental health.
  • replies: 1

My husband has battled with mental struggles his whole life. We have been together for 12 years. We have a beautiful 2yr old. I can no longer cope with his depression. He has withdrawn from everything. He has no friends, no job, he refuses to see fam... View more

My husband has battled with mental struggles his whole life. We have been together for 12 years. We have a beautiful 2yr old. I can no longer cope with his depression. He has withdrawn from everything. He has no friends, no job, he refuses to see family and has no interest in hobbies. He can’t be positive; it’s just constant negativity. He guilt's me for seeing my friends or going to work. He will say that he does want me to have friends and a career, but then will say that I don’t care for or spend enough time with him. He will tell me that I care about everything else more than him. I feel like he is gas-lighting me but at the same time, he tells me that I am doing that to him, so I don’t even know what to think anymore. Maybe I am the problem. He smokes a lot but doesn’t want to. It seems to be the only thing that keeps him levelheaded. I don’t help him quit anymore because I can’t handle his mood swings. I have struggled more over the years to be the person that he needs. I have tried supporting him with routines, taking control of things around the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, bills, taking phone calls. It never seems to be enough, and he will tell me that I am not there enough for him. Slowly over the years, I have had less energy to keep it up. I clean less, our house is always a mess. It’s easier to get takeout than to cook, or I just cook the same old basic food. I struggle paying bills. I have tried supporting him with docs visits. We always seem to end up in a dead end. We go to the doc, get a referral to see a psych, he gets meds, he can’t deal with the effects, he goes off meds, gets worse, then agrees to go back to a different doc and the process starts over again. He started his own business, because he had so much trouble keeping a job. But he struggles with anxiety leaving the house and answering phone calls. Every day I talk him through his negative thoughts and encourage him to go to work. I ended up leaving my job so that I could support him with his business. I am at a point where I just can’t take it anymore. I have ended up with depression and anxiety myself. I care and love him still. I want him to get better. But I don’t want to be with him anymore. I don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t know if I am the problem like he says, or if that’s just his mental talking. Either way I can’t handle being told I’m not good enough every day. I don’t know what I should do. He is so depressed, that he says he can’t go on if I leave.

MrMcGoo Son with BDD
  • replies: 2

My son was diagnosed with BDD about 7 years ago aged 26. He is now 32. He believes he has been suffering with the disorder since adolescence. He is on various medications and completed CBT therapy a few years back. He has been unemployed for about 10... View more

My son was diagnosed with BDD about 7 years ago aged 26. He is now 32. He believes he has been suffering with the disorder since adolescence. He is on various medications and completed CBT therapy a few years back. He has been unemployed for about 10 years though he ran. My son now 32 was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder 8 years ago when he was 26. He says he has suffered with the disorder since adolescence. He has been prescribed various medications. He also takes medication for excessive sweating. He has been mostly unemployed since dropping out of uni 10 years ago but did try to start up a home based cake decorating business but folded it 10 months ago. He is extremely gifted intellectually and artistically. He moved back to the family home 8 years ago. He spends his entire life in his bedroom, sleeping all day and on line all night. He is even more reclusive since stopping his baking business, that gave him a reason to get up and focus on something productive. He has recently been approved for the Disability Pension. To me this akin to a life sentence of dependence and helplessness. I am still raising a 13 year old son, my husband left work due to bullying and still suffers PTS so I am the financial backbone for my family. I feel like there is no hope of recovery for my son, and wish I had sought help for him when he was a teenager. I am heart broken at witnessing each day his beautiful soul and talents trapped within his dysfunctional mind and trapped within the 4 walls of his room. He rarely sees the sun. I do not know what to do or say to him. I throw a lot of my energy into my 13 year old, my work and my hobbies to distract me from the constant pain I feel as a mother with no answers.

Jed19 Supporting my husband - diagnosed with atypical bipolar at 35
  • replies: 2

My husband has recently been admitted to hospital after a rapid decline in his mental health. He has been on anti-depressants since the age of 17, which were prescribed by a GP. He only saw a psychiatrist for the first time at the age of 32 and was d... View more

My husband has recently been admitted to hospital after a rapid decline in his mental health. He has been on anti-depressants since the age of 17, which were prescribed by a GP. He only saw a psychiatrist for the first time at the age of 32 and was diagnosed with uni-polar depression and started on a new medication in addition to an existing one. After moving to a new town, and misplacing his medication, he stopped taking them for a period of about 2 weeks. Once recommenced, he was having active suicide thoughts and had quite a detailed plan. Once assessed by the local CAT team, he was admitted to hospital so he can be monitored while getting his medication right. His treating doctors are now thinking he has an atypical presentation of bipolar, and he has been started on new medication, while being weaned off the original medication. I am starting to really struggle myself, and feel so helpless in his recovery. I am very emotional sometimes when visiting, which usually makes me quite panicked as I don't want to make him more anxious than he already is. I'm also so angry at the system for letting him down for so many years. The follow up from his previous private psychiatrists has been non-existent, even though they have all had my details as an emergency contact. His correct therapeutic dose was never reached, and his bloods were not monitored like they should have been. We are living with my sister and brother in law at the moment, until we can both find full time work. They are very supportive and have not given us a time limit at all, but I am so worried that when he gets home, it will be so hard for us to find a healthy new routine to follow as we are both lacking quite a bit of direction at the moment. I don't really know what support is available to myself, or to us both as a couple. I think we would both really benefit from having some kind of ongoing support that we can both attend together. I would love any suggestions or advice from anyone who has going though anything similar. Thanks.

New_Scared New to this and not sure how to move forward
  • replies: 2

Morning all, A shiny new relationship has taken a sudden turn with a major depressive episode. I've only had experience of depression with one friend who managed himself and his routines very well. This new experience has me quite fearful, with angry... View more

Morning all, A shiny new relationship has taken a sudden turn with a major depressive episode. I've only had experience of depression with one friend who managed himself and his routines very well. This new experience has me quite fearful, with angry outbursts and treating me unkindly/dismissing my feelings, as well as a suspected dependence on alcohol. At a complete loss as to how to be supportive while still drawing a line with behaviour that leaves me feeling worthless. What is the depression and what is him just taking things out on me? Should I swallow my feelings while he struggles through the worst, or let him know (which often results in an outburst and my feelings being dismissed...) Should we create a routine together, or do I let him sort himself out? Communication is not a strong point . Any advice to help me help him is greatly appreciated.

robyng A husband with manic depression
  • replies: 1

Can a person be involuntary admitted to a psychiatric hospital when manic and causing trouble at home

Can a person be involuntary admitted to a psychiatric hospital when manic and causing trouble at home