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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Dasday Trying to be supportive but always getting shut down
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I have been given firm instructions that I am not to talk about my husbands depression with ANYONE including my own mother and best friend so I hope that this will not get me in trouble. I just do not know what to do anymore, my husbands depr... View more

Hi all, I have been given firm instructions that I am not to talk about my husbands depression with ANYONE including my own mother and best friend so I hope that this will not get me in trouble. I just do not know what to do anymore, my husbands depression has reached the point that he will not even touch me and no matter what I do it makes him angry to the point I feel I can’t even be myself anymore or have a laugh. He has deep seeded issues with his mother and they constantly fight and I am always the one listening to the both of them say horrible things about each other etc over the past 8 weeks my husband won’t do anything aside from constantly be on his phone, watching tv, sleeping and basically not moving from the couch. (He doesn’t still go to work) I know that he has been struggling and I keep encouraging him to go to his therapist more often but he won’t, I’ve tried to suggest that he goes to his GP but he won’t and now I am at the point that I honestly just do not know what to do but crawl into a ball and cry my eyes out. I went away for the weekend with my best friend and he had known we were wanting to do this for over a year so I gave him what I thought was a lot of notice, I told him at the start of the year we were going to go on a girls weekend, not sure where but I would confirm asap and within a couple of weeks I told him where, when and how long we would go for.. he seemed ok with that. Over the weekend he never called me and was giving me short replies and didn’t seem to have any interest in talking to me, this morning he told me that I keep “springing” things on him like my trip and he can’t handle it.. I asked if he still wants to be with me and he said I don’t think you should be with me. Im really starting to struggle and feel really alone as he won’t let me talk to anyone .. I almost want to leave this environment as he is so mean to me but I love him and want to be the supportive wife.. is anyone else going through something similar?

RLT Husband with Depression, I am losing myself.
  • replies: 2

Hi All (long one, i apologise), My Husband of 8 years has chronic depression, anxiety and PTSD from childhood trauma. We met 11 years ago and in the course of our relationship he has attempted suicide three times. For his most recent attempt he walke... View more

Hi All (long one, i apologise), My Husband of 8 years has chronic depression, anxiety and PTSD from childhood trauma. We met 11 years ago and in the course of our relationship he has attempted suicide three times. For his most recent attempt he walked himself into emergency and said he needed help because he couldn't copy anymore. He has a team of doctors that he works with (GP, Psychiatrist and Psychologist) and is doing everything that he needs to from a medical point of view to improve and manage his condition long term. He's recently been given access to a year of free counselling through a program with a local hospital which is an amazing opportunity. He's doing what he can from a medical perspective and he's trying to be social and outgoing with my friends which i really appreciate (as he previously took 4 years to agree to meet some of them) but i am absolutely emotionally drained and exhausted. Over this period i have had my own mental health struggles (approx 8-9 years ago) that i managed to get on top of with the help of a great psychologist. I haven't always been the model of a supportive wife but i've gotten a better paying job (that means long hours and a lot of responsibility) to help support my husband so he could work a job with less stress and responsibility, i've encouraged his doctors appointments but never forced them, sat next to him and done counselling together to help resolve what stress our relationship might put on him, i've followed the ups and downs of his life. Last week i went on a vacation with my family but my husband didn't go (he's an anxious flyer and was not in the right head space for travel) his psychologist had suggested he have someone stay with him for the week as he probably shouldn't be alone but he didn't follow through on this, when i returned home he had clearly been unable to cope on his own and it was in a disgusting state. for me this was a tipping point, i messaged some friends for support, booked an appointment with my psychologist and made sure he had someone to come over and spend the evening with him and packed my bags to head to my parents. I feel completely emotionally drained. How do i continue to live like this? I love my husband and i want everything for him, i want us to have a family and a beautiful future. I worry that the person i was when i met him is disappearing and i can no longer hold on for the hope that things will improve or become manageable i don't want this for my life.

robyng Living with a husband with Depression
  • replies: 2

My husband has suffered depression for many years. He is in his mid 70's. He hasn't had a checkup with a medical professional for some years Just on the same medication that he has always been on. At present he is not talking to me just spends all hi... View more

My husband has suffered depression for many years. He is in his mid 70's. He hasn't had a checkup with a medical professional for some years Just on the same medication that he has always been on. At present he is not talking to me just spends all his time outside. Just driving himself. When he sees me sitting down he tells me I'm lazy and that I should be working too. He usually is never like this. He doesn't have any interest or hobbies. I have a referral for him to see a doctor but I don't think he will go. The doctor has also given me one too to see the doctor. I am really getting to the end of my tether and don't know what to do. Robyn

Namastnae When they won’t help themselves and you’ve done everything you can
  • replies: 1

I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. He was in the military for 7 years and medically discharged 2 years before we met. He suffers chronic pain, has PTSD, depression, anxiety and one psych said he also told him he has Boarderline Personality Disord... View more

I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. He was in the military for 7 years and medically discharged 2 years before we met. He suffers chronic pain, has PTSD, depression, anxiety and one psych said he also told him he has Boarderline Personality Disorder. Things are getting worse, not better. We had our second child 7 months ago and he basically checked out....sleeping all day or sitting on the couch, phone in hand, watching TV. In the past he’d have rough patches but nothing that’s ever lasted this long. He has access to all the support services he could need but isn’t really using them. His health is getting worse because he’s gaining weight and not looking after himself. He goes to the dr and they either do nothing or prescribe another pill. I’m taking care of myself and apart from home life I’m very happy. I’ve done all the typical ‘take care of yourself’ things. Our relationship is a shell. We barely talk, there’s been zero intimacy in 11months and I honestly don’t know if I even care to try work on it because he really needs to work on himself first. What would you do? I can’t force him to do better, seek help and want to live differently. I also don’t want this life to be my forever after.

Kmh158 Husband with body dismorphia disorder by proxy
  • replies: 2

My husband suffers from body dismorphia by proxy, meaning that the dismorphia is about others not himself. His dismorphia has been fixated on my nose since we got married 8 years ago. I ended up having 4 rhinoplasty surgeries throughout that time. I’... View more

My husband suffers from body dismorphia by proxy, meaning that the dismorphia is about others not himself. His dismorphia has been fixated on my nose since we got married 8 years ago. I ended up having 4 rhinoplasty surgeries throughout that time. I’d never really liked my nose at all but I’m happy with how it looks now so have told him no more surgeries. He’s booked in to see a psychiatrist and is accepting that this is his issue, not something I need to fix. I’ve been researching BDD and there’s not a lot on the by proxy version. Anyone else have any experience with this?? It’s really hard being the person he’s got the dismorphia about. He’s also got depression and anxiety which I think is made worse by the BDD by proxy. Just after some advice if there’s anyone out there with any experience with this.

Andogal Caring for parents who refuse to acknowledge depression
  • replies: 2

I live in a dual living house with my parents. Mum has a brain injury from an accident and struggles with depression. She very high functioning, it’s more her emotions that are effected. I suggest she talk to someone but she gets the shits and brushe... View more

I live in a dual living house with my parents. Mum has a brain injury from an accident and struggles with depression. She very high functioning, it’s more her emotions that are effected. I suggest she talk to someone but she gets the shits and brushes me off. Acting like I’m the one at fault. Dad has recently had bladder cancer and is recovering but mum refuses visitors from friends, has become addicted to watching news, and is growing more aggressive. I offer to take her out or call friends and this gets her even more angry. How do you help someone who won’t be helped?

myparis It's at the pointy end
  • replies: 1

I'm feeling dejected, frustrated, unloved and angry. Just tried to talk to my Partner who has Bipolar 2 but he said "I don't want to talk, I know when I walk away that you're going to think I don't give a -" then walks away after kissing me on the fo... View more

I'm feeling dejected, frustrated, unloved and angry. Just tried to talk to my Partner who has Bipolar 2 but he said "I don't want to talk, I know when I walk away that you're going to think I don't give a -" then walks away after kissing me on the forehead. I don't know whether to stay with him. I'm exhausted and the same old problems keep resurfacing - his selfish spending habits, his drinking, his need to be alone and my frustrated crying. I'm trying to work on my issues but don't feel like he's working on his. I don't feel the issues are ever sorted as he can only talk for a few minutes before going off to "process" what we've spoken about. For the past couple of months we've (mostly me) been setting up a business and our rental lease is up for renewal. We're coming up to almost 2 years together. I am losing my patience and starting to doubt if I can be bothered anymore. He hasn't worked for around 9 months and I've been paying all the bills. As soon as he gets some money, he's off to buy alcohol or something for himself. It'd be nice if he took me on a date instead and paid for it. I feel insecure and unappreciated. When I ask if he still loves me he says "yes". I don't know if I want to go through much more of this. His cycles have become more rapid. There's only days between him being "ok", "depressed" and then his form of "happy" which is usually when he goes for his 4 hour walks on his own ending up at the pub. I rarely see him "happy" when he's with me. He blames me for the problems and says that I'm always crying and that's why he doesn't want to come near me - I'm crying because he doesn't come near me and I know that the bad times are coming again. A couple of horrible weeks when I might as well be invisible, then he's all hugs and love and affection only to head off to his mancave again. He tells me to give him space and if I enter that space trying to talk, he writes horrible notes to me about not being able to be with me anymore..... He says that he'll talk to me when he "comes back". I attempt to talk when he "comes back" but he never wants to discuss the topic that I'm upset about. Yeh, yeh, I know....If his cup is full, it's difficult to let it drain...and I just have to wait it out. What about my needs. What about the times when I feel terrible and just need to talk or a hug and told that I'm loved. Why is it that the carer is never supported? I'm dealing with stuff too!! I constantly feel like the horrible one. HELP!!

Kiki207 Worried about my boyfriend, parents divorce and adhd affecting him
  • replies: 6

Hi all, My boyfriend has been seeming really depressed lately, I want to help him but I'm not sure how.. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a toddler and has told me he feels trapped. He says ADHD is like lucid dreaming, he's aware of what he's doing, he ... View more

Hi all, My boyfriend has been seeming really depressed lately, I want to help him but I'm not sure how.. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a toddler and has told me he feels trapped. He says ADHD is like lucid dreaming, he's aware of what he's doing, he knows its wrong but no matter how hard he tries he cant stop. His parents divorced when he was in year 2, its really been weighing on him, especially since his dad lives in Singapore and comes to Australia twice a year for a short amount of time. He says his only memories of his parents living together was of them fighting. His sister seems to have been affected by the divorce but in the opposite way, she thinks fighting is normal and regularly starts fights with their mum, which hurts my boyfriend as well. Before he moved to my area, (late 2016-early 17) he had a planned suicide but (obviously) didnt act on it. He said it was because nothing in his life was going right and he was never happy, his parents were divorced, he was moving away from everything, his ADHD was getting worse and harder... That scared me so much.. He tells me he wishes his life was like mine - a complete fairytale family (his words), no family fights and no ADHD. I've been told that its jealousy and I should end the relationship but i love him too much to end it... I really want to help him, i just dont know how.. I got advice from a counsellor on the webchat here (thanks!!) I got advice to direct my bf to counselling or websites for mental health, I just need help on how to support him myself and as much as possible. If you can help me I would appreciate that so much -Kiki

Sandy28 My Husband is Depressed and is now struggling with an ice addiction
  • replies: 8

my husband and i have been together for 10 years and have two children. his father passed away years ago and thats when he started to struggle. hes always battled with depression since then, and has never got help to cope with it. then 3 years ago he... View more

my husband and i have been together for 10 years and have two children. his father passed away years ago and thats when he started to struggle. hes always battled with depression since then, and has never got help to cope with it. then 3 years ago he started smoking ice solid for just over a year before that addiction caused a massive rift in our relationship and almost destroyed our family, thats when he came clean about his using ice. he went cold turkey and we managed to come good again (keep in mind hes never got treatment at any stage) then a few months back, he started to change again. this time he became very skinny, on top of the usual paranoia, hes been hallucinating and he believes people are out to get him. finally after an argument he came clean about using it again. but this time it wasn't safe for him to live here and i asked him to move out, and to seek help. we have two small children, and with all the lies and strange behavior i had to protect our kids. he understood. i still love him, i just need him to get better while living somewhere else in the meantime... and while counselors and family have told me ive done the right thing by getting him to move out. i feel like i could have made it worse by doing this and am second guessing my decision, or at least how i did it i dont know.. hes now cut himself almost completely from me and the kids. hes been hanging around the people who do this drug among heavy drinking which is another problem he struggles with. i just want him to get better and come home. but i am so lost as to what to do and how to help him while also protecting our kids.

Mum6 Do I tell my daughter with BPD to move out
  • replies: 1

My husband and I don't know what to do. We have three daughter and the middle one has BPD. She is causing so many problems in the house, we have started taking the youngest to speak to someone as she is not coping with it. We only fight over the BPD ... View more

My husband and I don't know what to do. We have three daughter and the middle one has BPD. She is causing so many problems in the house, we have started taking the youngest to speak to someone as she is not coping with it. We only fight over the BPD daughter and how to deal with her. The eldest stays at boyfriends place most nights and only seems to come home to check on youngest sister. BPD daughter has been arrested and has court in March. She is doing a DBT course through headspace and complains how hard it is. She started volunteering and that last two weeks, she broke their door when storming out. We have tried so many things and nothing is ever right. I am just drained and can't cope anymore. Husband used to give into her and has now realised that doesn't work and is just losing it with her. Of course that doesn't work either. We have told her before that she need to look at moving out and it is always turned on us "so your kicking me out, do you want me living on the streets". She doesn't work, she claims she can't, but is fine going out with her friends. For some stupid reason Centrelink has put her on Disability Pension for 6 months, she is good at telling the doctors what they need to hear. I just don't think our family is going to cope much longer with her still living with us. I love her so much, I just hate who she has become with the BPD. Husband and I are finally going to see a councillor this week. We need to learn to work together when we talk to her and how to save our family.