When is a boundary not a boundary?

[Scheherazade]

Slightly jokey title, serious topic.

Long story short: Husband of many, many years has depression. A few years ago he had a big life change and announced he was queer and polyamorous. It's been a wild ride and I'm sure you can all appreciate the amount of discussion and negotiation this required.

I've been very supportive but I've set some very definite boundaries in order to protect my own mental health. I think they're pretty straightforward. They include

1) Sex should only happen when both of us want it. This one seems like a no brainer but honestly it took me a long time to learn about consent and being able to say no.

2) Language should be respectful. Avoid put downs, insults, condescension.

Here's the thing though. If he says he's depressed, then my boundaries aren't important any more. He goes on long, angry rants about the smallest things. If I pull him up on his language, I'm a monster because he TOLD me he's depressed so can't I just suck it up and take the verbal abuse?

And then there's the sex boundary. If he's depressed, and he 'needs the connection' to feel better, then it doesn't matter if I'm exhausted from doing the lion's share of the housework and parenting, feeling empty because of the constant verbal abuse, or just not in the mood... if I say 'no' then I'm a horrible partner for not giving him what he's told me he NEEDS to feel better.

OK so obviously all of the above is emotionally loaded and you're just hearing my side of it but... help? Advice? Opinions?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Scheherazade,

Thank you for your post and your question - boundaries are so important in all relationships and I'm glad to hear that you are setting ones and thinking about what's best for you.

It sounds like from reading your post both of these boundaries are very reasonable and understandable. These sound like boundaries all couples should have - consent and respect is so important in every relationship.

I know with depression it can be hard to regulate emotions, which can sometimes lead to outbursts and feeling angry, but there is a difference between having an angry rant and putting up with verbal abuse. Being angry and having rants I think can be somewhat understandable, but having the anger directed at you is not at all okay. There is absolutely no need for you to have to 'suck it up'.

The same can absolutely be said for sex. It's understandable that he might be wanting to feel connected - but again, it isn't appropriate for it to be your responsibility to have sex just because it helps him feel better.

I hope that sharing this with you helps remind you that you're not a horrible partner - but instead setting (and enforcing!) really healthy boundaries.

rt

[Cloud_like]

It seems to me that there are many ways to connect other than sex especially if you are feeling pressured or that it is ‘the only option’. Can you discuss other connection strategies when conflict or pressure isn’t on? You sound very courageous & incredibly supportive so that is very beneficial for both of you & the relationship & i hope that can be nurtured & appreciated by both of you.