I need help, before I walk away

[Kaybee01]

My partner has depression. It has been 3 long years of this. We have 5 children living with us, including a baby and I am exhausted from carrying us physically, emotionally, financially and mentally.

i am a wreck. He refuses help. Refuses to get out of bed. When we’ve seen the doctors he’s listened to then say he needs to get up and push through. He simply refuses.

the mental and physical load j am carrying, and have been for 2 years or more is so heavy and I’m about to break.

we are a blended family, and he won’t leave to give me space and stay at his parents. If I leave, I have to get my own place and there’s no going back as my kids won’t forgive.

ive fried a psychologist, I’ve tried getting him medication. I’ve tried letting him sleep. Tried forcing him up. Tried getting him out of town. Tried using the kids to make him happy.

i know it’s depression but it’s made him so selfish and I just don’t know how to keep this up. How to help someone who won’t help themself?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome,

I empathise with you, I’ve been in your situation. Without too much detail I worked 3 jobs so my ex wife could be a homemaker- her chosen role for our two kids. But in her case it was pure laziness.

Unfortunately after 11 years it led to a suicide attempt. I survived so then left her.

Interesting that you say your kids would not forgive him. I assume they don’t like him? If that is the case it allows for greater reason to leave.

Even a peer advisor like myself isn’t sympathetic towards a sufferer of depression if he/she isn’t trying to carry some of the load of the chores of life. You, like me, will break.

Carers of the mentally ill should not be slaves but supporters and carers. As you arrive home from work a coffee and biscuit should be waiting- after all the unwell partner can attend the bathroom several times a day, answer the phone and get meals for themselves, why couldn’t they welcome you home with some care of their own? That is but one example.

Yes, I get depression as my wife does, we both have to look after each other and care when we can. But we never take advantage of a situation.

Normally I’d recommend family counseling but I think you know what you need to do.

TonyWK

[Kaybee01]

Thank you.

my children avruallt love him, but they don’t understand. We’ve been through DV twice. This isn’t DV, but to them, watching this without understanding, and then me leaving, will indicate something is wrong.

i think in the long run they would, if he proved he was better.

im sorry to hear about your ex wife 😞

my partner does go to work 90% of the time, so I need to give credit there. I work as well as full time carer to all the children, and it is exhausting.

when he is good, he is helpful, and on some days he will help with bathing the baby or feeding him, and sometimes help with lunch in the morning. But honestly in the down periods, it is all on me. And that’s 80-90% of the time these days

[Kaybee01]

I just realised it was you who attempted suicide. I do apologise, I misread.

[Blufftuff]

I come from a relationship where I was the one who suffered depression on more than occasion.

I was unable to do anything without being assisted.

My great wife had to work two jobs just for us to pay bills and put food on the table.

She would cry herself to sleep every night and I could not even comfort her.

This made my recovery worse.

Hope you don't mind me asking, do you have any support from close family or friends or anyone who may come look after the kids to give you a break ???

Have you considered going to your G P and getting a referral to talk to someone about your own personal well being and getting some help as to how best you handle the situation,

Just a thought you may also be entitled to a carer on a regular basis which would help with the burden.

My recovery was only due to my wife being there and the friends/family she had to support her.

All the best