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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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ozgenie51 Ozgenie51
  • replies: 2

Hi All, am new to BB and am desperately wanting to help my 43yo son who is suffering deep depression. He is a single dad of a 13yo boy, works in a highly skilled field and has had little luck in the romance department (mostly because he panics at the... View more

Hi All, am new to BB and am desperately wanting to help my 43yo son who is suffering deep depression. He is a single dad of a 13yo boy, works in a highly skilled field and has had little luck in the romance department (mostly because he panics at the first sign of difficulty). He refuses counselling and is extremely anti medication and I am very worried about him. I too suffer from chronic depression and have been on meds for years so I know how helpful they can be - how do I convince him there is a way to feel better?

Nothappyuni To stay, or not to stay: That is the question.
  • replies: 10

Let me start by saying I know I have to leave; It is not advice I am looking for, it is understanding why I have not left. I find wonder and beauty in nature, art and people, but, along with the highs are the lows, I can't help thinking about my rela... View more

Let me start by saying I know I have to leave; It is not advice I am looking for, it is understanding why I have not left. I find wonder and beauty in nature, art and people, but, along with the highs are the lows, I can't help thinking about my relationship. I have a partner who suffers from depression and self loathing. I was drawn to her like yin to yang. But, when one person is a vacuum that draws all warmth, the other is left cold; eventually the fire has to burn out. Everything I did to help my partner, only held her demons at bay. I realise that I cannot 'fix' what is broken in my 'partner', no matter how much love and affection is applied. Everyone must make change in themselves. I read the posts by 'rhinoceros' and was prompted to write this. My 'partner' has intimacy problems, no hugs, no touching and no sex, it wasn't like that for 18 years, then like a light being turned off, it was ended. This makes me feel unwanted and unattractive. My feelings are my own, but we all know they are a bitter pill to swallow. You put on weight, you stop looking after your appearance, you become worthless and loveless. I understand this is a form of control, you can never leave a relationship if no one else will have you. I have packed my bags a dozen times, but it is not so easy after 25 years to walk away. It is even harder to leave when your partner threatens: to kill themselves, to take everything from you, to make it as painful as possible, or to make your children hate you. I am told that I am incredibly selfish, my 'partner' admits to having problems, they make her call me names, and say "your'e stupid", "you are nothing", "everything you do is sh*t". In the back my mind a voice asks "what would it be like to have love and be loved again, to have physical contact with someone, to have a moment of passion however short?". All the couples therapists, psychologists, counsellors, have told us my partner should be on anti depressants, and cut back her drinking. But it is not going to happen. She is desperate to recapture her youth. So I have to leave, for myself and for her. So many people on this site have done it; even I have been married and divorced from a partner that slept around on me. It was easy to end because I had the anger of betrayal. But, with this, I just feel sorrow for my partner, she is so terrified of being alone and I have no anger, no hate to fuel my departure. She insists I must stay, saying "life is not so bad for me".

Scot_Girl_In_Aus I don’t know how to manage my parters substance abuse
  • replies: 4

So my partner and I have been together two and a half years. We’re from different countries and have overcome a lot to be together. My partner suffers from depression, anxiety and PTSD from trauma he suffered a few years ago. He has always smoked wee... View more

So my partner and I have been together two and a half years. We’re from different countries and have overcome a lot to be together. My partner suffers from depression, anxiety and PTSD from trauma he suffered a few years ago. He has always smoked weed and has played with recreational drugs but nothing too serious. Recently he had started abusing prescription medication to “help him sleep” and ended up in hospital. I thought all that had stopped and this week we went on our trip to Bali. We’ve been here 4 days and in that four days he has been buying and taking in secret pills and lying to me repeatedly about it. When I have found out throughout the 4 days we have had fights about it that end in him promising no more drugs and no more lying. He has done it again and I’m at a loss of what to do. He is now asking for my help like he did before but nsw asking me to monitor him and be in control of his drug intake I.e. giving him a small dose before bed. What do I do? I can’t talk to our friends or family as we will be left homeless and he will be cut off from everyone. Please I need input and advice!

Anne84 Parent and Carer Groups
  • replies: 1

Hi there, I am quite new to this. Are there any reputable parent / carer networks or groups which support families of young children with mental health issues? I can find groups for adults but not ones focussing on supporting parents to help their ch... View more

Hi there, I am quite new to this. Are there any reputable parent / carer networks or groups which support families of young children with mental health issues? I can find groups for adults but not ones focussing on supporting parents to help their children. Thanks

JacobC1 How do I help my ex-girlfriend with her depression?
  • replies: 1

Hi guys, Half a year ago my now ex-girlfriend and I broke up, partly because I was at the verge of going abroad for a few months (I'm still abroad right now). Since a month or two we are talking again, on the phone. In a normal, friendly manner, with... View more

Hi guys, Half a year ago my now ex-girlfriend and I broke up, partly because I was at the verge of going abroad for a few months (I'm still abroad right now). Since a month or two we are talking again, on the phone. In a normal, friendly manner, without feelings of romantic love. Lately she confessed to me that she has been feeling seriously depressed (she always had that tendency). She works, then goes to a bar alone, gets drunk, goes home, cries, sleeps, and does it all over again. Her study is suffering from it, and because of some unfortunate events mostly outside of her doing, she has lost the few good friends she had. I guess that is why she started calling me again - I seem to be the only person with whom she can share her feelings. But of course, calling me is hard for her, because of our history, and the complexities of emotion that it brings with it. Her depression is a real one, and long past the stage of romantic melancholy. I am truly very worried for her. And I don't really know what to do... Would it be smart to initiate a call every know and then? The problem is that she will feel as somebody in need for help - me calling her only to aks how she is doing - and she has always hated the feeling of needing or getting help. She will most likely shut it off and does not want to border me (as she has been saying the last few times, although she always called me, and although she very obviously desired my advice/conversation). And then there is the problem that if I call her, she would get afraid that I interpret our conversations also as ways to get together again, fall in love, hope for romance (she expressed this fear multiple times). On my side, that is not the case, but I can't convince her about it. The risk is that calling her would only burden her with more emotional complexities and dilemmas (she needs me at times, but does not want to admit it to herself; she wants my friendship, but is afraid of my love; she desires our conversations, but not the implicit effects that she thinks they might have). Calling her might make her feel even more lonely. What do I do? Should I not call her or try to help her? But I seem to be truly the only one with whom she can talk right now, and I'm genuinely afraid for her wellbeing if she gets too isolated and alone. At the same time, my calls could only make things worse. But I don't know if she'll be able to get out of it alone

hsvoz72 Worried about my daughter
  • replies: 2

Hi all. I'm new here. My 14 year old daughter is not her usual happy bubbly self lately. For the last week and a half she hasn't wanted to go to school. I'd wake her up in the morning saying, wakey wakey time to get ready for school. She'd say to me,... View more

Hi all. I'm new here. My 14 year old daughter is not her usual happy bubbly self lately. For the last week and a half she hasn't wanted to go to school. I'd wake her up in the morning saying, wakey wakey time to get ready for school. She'd say to me, I feel sick mum or I have a headache/migraine I don't want to go to school. The first two days, I thought everything was all good and she was just sick/unwell. This has been going on for a week and a half now. I know she's not sick and I'm really started to worry about her. So this morning I texted her best friend and asked if she's noticed anything wrong with my daughter. She's noticed that my daughter is sad quite a bit and when she asks her what's wrong she said nothing's wrong I just get sad alot. She's told me that my daughter has liked alot and i mean alot of sad, lonely, depressed etc pages on social media and that maybe I should have a look to see how many. Today I said to my daughter, what's wrong why don't u want to go to school? U know u can talk to me about anything. She said to me, she feels like everyone is always looking at and laughing. She also said that she doesn't feel like doing anything, see anyone or talk to anyone and she said she's felt this way for awhile. I'm very worried and concerned about my daughter.

antionette Antionette - caring for our 15 year old daughter 
  • replies: 4

Hi, I, along with my very supporting husband are caring for our 15 year old daughter who has Depression, Suicidal attempts and PTSD. Mostly what I needs to hear how others have coped, things that I can do to stay sane and support her. We are all havi... View more

Hi, I, along with my very supporting husband are caring for our 15 year old daughter who has Depression, Suicidal attempts and PTSD. Mostly what I needs to hear how others have coped, things that I can do to stay sane and support her. We are all having counselling and she is on her second type of medication.We have taken everything possible out of harms way to keep her safe, but now I think she is trying another means of self harm. This is driving me insane as I can do nothing about it and I feel if I hassle her it will make it worse. Although the counselling is helping and we are still only a couple of weeks into her new medication i often need someone to chat to at times when I don't have anyone around. Are there other parents who are in a loving stable environment that have been through this and can help? Many thanks Antionette

Rami How to cope with daughter’s self harm
  • replies: 5

Hi all, I’m a newbie and have never posted on a forum before but have been dealing with my daughter’s anxiety, depression and self harm for 3 years and it’s wearing me down. She is on medication, regularly sees a psychiatrist and is seeing a psycholo... View more

Hi all, I’m a newbie and have never posted on a forum before but have been dealing with my daughter’s anxiety, depression and self harm for 3 years and it’s wearing me down. She is on medication, regularly sees a psychiatrist and is seeing a psychologist too (third one we have tried) . There have been some improvements but she is still self harming (cutting) and that is what is so hard for me to deal with, especially when I see what she has done to herself or she shows me. It’s so hard for me to control my emotions and devastation when I hear she has self harmed. The dr’s have told me I need to expect it’s going to happen and to keep calm and not overreact as that will make her feel guilty but it’s so incredibly hard for me to keep my cool. I desperately want her to be better and would appreciate any advice .

Dreamcatchr How do I respond when my partner is pushing me away because of depression and anxiety
  • replies: 10

Hey guys, first time post. I have been dating a girl for 6 months. When we're together she's sweet and happy and laughs the day away with me. She has suffered with depression and anxiety for years and tends to be a pretty solitary person generally. R... View more

Hey guys, first time post. I have been dating a girl for 6 months. When we're together she's sweet and happy and laughs the day away with me. She has suffered with depression and anxiety for years and tends to be a pretty solitary person generally. Recently I got upset because she has been distancing herself and is very hard to get through to. It led to her breaking up with me. Telling me it isn't me, it's her and it's not fair on me. . I know she is going through a hard time at the moment and she is pushing everyone away. I love her with all my heart and there is no chance I'm giving up on her. I want to be there for her, I want to help her get through this in any way possible. Even if I'm not in the picture at the end. I'm not really sure how to go about this, I don't want to make this any harder for her than it already is. Can anyone please tell me what I should and shouldn't do for her. I'm just not experienced in how to be with and be around people with depression. I love her to pieces even though she doesn't love herself. People who know her have seen her shut off and withdraw like this in the past. Any help, advice and even opinions would be most welcome. I'm not sure what I should do, but I miss her terribly and want to be there for her

jellydog my hubby who is 75 is having ect for major depression
  • replies: 5

my hubby who is 75 is having ect for major depression, meds have not worked. he has had 4 at the moment and will have 12, his negative guilty thoughts have increased dramaticly, things that happened 30 years ago swim around in his head. every day the... View more

my hubby who is 75 is having ect for major depression, meds have not worked. he has had 4 at the moment and will have 12, his negative guilty thoughts have increased dramaticly, things that happened 30 years ago swim around in his head. every day theres a new one to worry about . he can't stop these thoughts. has anyone else experienced this after ect. he wants to stop the ect because he thinks it is making him worse any advice would be welcome