Should I keep trying or am I being manipulated?

[Rosie_Red]

how can I tell if my ex is just a narcissist or if he is truely struggling? He is a drug addict and compulsively lies, he has hated me for months because he’s convinced I made him homeless, abandoned him and took away his daughter (even though I sent him to live with his mum due to meth use lies and verbal abuse, I have supported him even though he’s abusive verbally/emotionally and he is allowed to visit his daughter/call any time but refuses too)

He will hate me and abuse me via text one day then stop all contact with me for weeks then will finally reply and say things like “you have no idea the thoughts in my head” “daughter is better off without me” He also over exaggerates his drug use to make me worry/feel guilty how do I know if he’s struggling with addiction depression and anxiety or if he’s just stringing me along? I can’t tell if he is lying about the extent of his depression and extent of his drug use or actually depressed and using heavy drugs due to unhealthy addiction? He told me he had a seizure from drugs and I forced him to come stay with me and he cried for 2 days while I lectured him on why does he do this/doesn’t he wonder why I still stick by him after his abusing and he just sobbed, he then went back home (2 hrs away) and has cut all contact with me not replying to anything for 4 weeks? Only once he replied “I don’t know, I just don’t want to talk to anyone, all I do is drink myself to sleep” but I know he has been going around friends houses so he is not secluding himself from everyone just me and his baby? Is he giving me the run around? Am I just his backup plan for when he decides he needs a confidence boost? Do I cut him off and move on or keep messaging and telling him I love him even though I get no reply? Is he laughing at how pathetic I am by still trying from the other side of the phone while he’s actually enjoying himself or is he in a state of crisis and pushing me away? Help!!!

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Rosie.Red,

Thank you for your post and I'm really sorry you're having to go through all of this; I'm glad though that you're opening up here and sharing what's been happening.

To answer your question if your ex is a narcissist or struggling, sometimes it can be both. While I don't know you or your ex very well, I do know that often with drug use and addiction, a big part of that is control - having control over something when there's a lack of control in other parts of our lives. With narcissism, that can be about control too. By lashing out at you, he doesn't have to feel vulnerable and by blaming you, he doesn't have to take accountability for his actions.

I'm not sure that I could tell you what you need to do, but I hope that it shows you that it's not all black and white. You need to do what's right for you, but I do encourage you to put your own safety and wellbeing first - with whatever you decide.

RT

[Jay_cee88]

Hi Rosie.Red,

It sounds like you’re having a tough time and I’m sorry to hear that. I have been in a relationship before with a man who had a major substance use issue and mental health issues. It’s very hard to separate your self from it and realise that you have not caused it and cannot fix it on your own. Especially when you are still in the middle of it all.

It sounds like your ex is definitely struggling, but that does not mean his behaviour toward you is acceptable. It’s very hard to understand exactly why he is doing these things but sometimes that is just the nature of addiction, it causes people to do things that they usually wouldn’t and exacerbates mental health issues. Rather than questioning what is going on with him, maybe you could start thinking about what you feel you and your daughter deserve? You sound like a very caring person. I don’t believe you deserve to be abused in anyway, and your daughter deserves a father who is present and consistent in her life. Perhaps you could start small and tell him that you are happy to speak to him but only if he is sober and respectful. If he is unable to do this then you may need to tell him that you are not able to continue a relationship with him (of any kind) unless he is willing to get some help with his issues. Let him know that you are there to support him if he is genuinely ready to get some help, but until then, you are not prepared to continue in this cycle. Ps. I don’t think he’s laughing at you, it sounds like deep down he is probably feeling pretty miserable.

Wishing you all the best. Do something nice for yourself!

[Rosie_Red]

Hi jay_cee, you are definitely right and I am 1000% sure I don’t deserve what he has put me through and neither does my daughter.

the problem I find is that he is more than happy to have no contact and nothing to do with me or his child at all, this then has me in two minds - 1. That he is not interested in having us as his family (he never made any effort or connection with our daughter since she was born but will tell me he loves her etc when abusing me for kicking him out) and wants to run from any responsibility or guilt he feels by being associated with us or 2. He is actually really struggling and separating himself because he thinks he has hurt us too much/doesn’t deserve us/is stonewalling me because of his mental health - how can I tell the difference? He is a very defensive person and will say the worst thing he can come up with to hurt me when he’s angry so if asked he would tell me it’s number 1 and he doesn’t want anything to do with us but it just feels like he’s just being defensive and not truthful about how he’s feeling, but am I just struggling to let go or do I trust my gut and keep holding on and contacting him etc? I’ve never been in a situation like this before..

[geoff]

Hi Rosie.Red, after reading this comment and the replies you only seem to be controlled by a drug addict, who abuses you, disowns you and your daughter.

Drugs won't heal him, they only complicate the situation and require daily finances, so he doesn't know what he's saying, plus he's unstable and unreliable and although you might love him, it's not the person now who he is.

I can't tell you what to do, but can I suggest you cut ties with him and hope that he gets the help he needs with his drug addiction.

He won't stop until he decides to make that decision.

I'm sorry Rosie.

Geoff.