In times of high stress how do you manage yourself when dealing with bipolar?

[SpidersWeb]

My partner told me of his Borderline BP after seven months of living together – those seven months were a very confusing roller-coaster time, where I didn’t know what was happening, so I’m sure I was doing and saying all the wrong things. Since that time he has never given me any further information about what his BP means to him or how to manage the circumstances, he refuses to go on medication and does not seek any therapy. A few months later, after another round of him leaving without cause and me going into meltdown I started having some panic attacks (thankfully hasn’t happened since) – it was scary but I took myself off to a psychiatrist to try and get more information about what it meant to be living in this situation. The prognosis was pretty dire and I was basically told that if I wasn’t careful, I would end up in hospital because living in this situation is extremely difficult.
It’s now been two years. Every few months we have the usual round of him leaving when I need to discuss some behavior (he has done things that I would find unacceptable in any other relationship) and I go into meltdown and say/do all the wrong things. I know I should just let him go during these times but when I’m trying to discuss things like adults and get some answers I become so frustrated. I have made huge lifestyle changes to try and accommodate, and have continued to have consultation with psychiatrists periodically and read to educate myself.
He has currently been away from home for over four weeks and during that time we have had minimal contact often with fighting and nastiness on both sides. But, this one was a doozy and my fault. I could see that he was in a cycle for probably at least two weeks and was trying to give him outs to manage the cycle, but then I pushed for some big life decisions that were on a deadline and after he just kept avoiding a response I exploded! I am pretty appalled at myself and I know that with BP he does not have empathy for the process I am going through.

My question is, in times of high stress how do you manage yourself – how do you switch off and breathe in that moment of total frustration so it doesn't lead to four weeks of two people feeling bad? I’m healthy, exercise regularly and ordinarily a very calm person. I have loads of support (admittedly my friends and family don’t quite “get it”, and wonder why I put myself through this – the answer is because I love him and I wouldn’t “get it”, either if I hadn’t been through it).

[quirkywords]

Spiders web, welcome to the forum.

I can see how much you love your partner and how hard you are working out the best way to cope.

I was moved by your post and wonder how I can I help. I have lived bipolar for over 45 years.

In my opinion, everyone I have met or have spoken to with bipolar has had a different way of experiencing it.

I can tell you my experience and that's all it is my experience.

For me I did not realise I was under stress until it was too late. I would be rude to people, destroy friendship and make my family, or partners life very difficult.

If I had the insight I was losing it, I would take myself for a walk around the block or just some way to diffuse a situation.

I now take medication and for me that has helped me be more stable.

I am not sure if your partner takes medication or has tried Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.

Living with someone with bipolar is very difficult as living with bipolar is exhausting and frustrating

You are looking after yourself but you do need support from people who get it.

Thanks so much for reaching out .

There is a thread called This bipolar life, which is a friendly and supportive place where you can drop by and ask questions and say hello.

Quirky

[Echo18]

Hi SpidersWeb

I feel for you. Very sorry but I've no real answers as I'm in a similar situation. I understand how overwhelming it is when your BP loved one is having an episode. My partner's a rapid cycler & I suffer panic attacks as a result, but he seems oblivious to my suffering when he's in this mode.

All I can say is don't blame yourself. You're only human, trying to navigate through a challenging relationship that's built on very shaky ground where the rules can change from one minute to the next. I try hard to stay calm as possible when BP episodes occur, but eventually I react. I'm human too & equally as fragile as he is. As much as we would like to, being perfect models of serenity & patience in this situation is a big ask.

He disappears for months too, but keeps in contact now which helps. I find it's actually therapeutic having time out. I understand it's the disease & not the real him. He's a loving, kind & generous person when stable.

To leave or stay is always your decision though, no one else's. Might seem obvious to those who haven't experienced our situation, but it's never that simple. Your mental health is equally as important as his & your decision has to be right for you at a time when you're ready to make it. Just be sure you are safe.

I wish there was more support & resources for families of BP sufferers. There's much for sufferers & rightly so, but so little for us that I can find. My partner has access to an on-call psychiatrist, CBT case manager, meds etc. & I'm grateful & relieved for this, he very much needs & deserves help. But I've no professional to turn to in a crisis. I worry about overwhelming friends so tend not to say much & don't want to stigmatise my partner by revealing his illness as I feel it's his decision re who knows. All this results in feeling very isolated.

I'd love to learn how to manage my emotions & reactions better too but yet to find anything concrete to address this particularly confusing if not traumatising situation.

Very grateful for forums like this. I hope we can find our voice here, feel heard & understood.

Sorry to waffle on. I don't mean to make it about me or appear critical of anyone with BP, it's a horribly cruel disease. Just want to say you're not alone in your experience of this baffling & heartbreaking illness & that I understand the confusion & distress.

Hope you manage to find some good support in your community. Try not to be too hard on yourself & take care of you too!

Echo