How do you help if they won’t let you in?

[CAREE]

I have been married for 13 years to my husband and we have 3 beautiful children. Retrospectively I think he has always suffered from depression. He has had highs and lows from the start and for years I thought it was my problem, that he pushed me away, didn’t communicate, isolated himself and had no time, energy or tolerance for his family. Until one day talking to a psychologist made me realise that the issues were not my own. I always had made excuses for his behaviours, blamed myself or made arrangements so that I didn’t have to rely on him (because he was unreliable).

To ensure that my own needs for friendship and adult conversation were met I became a work alcoholic until my children begged me to resign and my husband threatened I wouldn’t have a family to come home to if this was to continue. Since I resigned I have realised that it wasn’t a threat it was a cry for help. He had spiralled down so low he no longer saw the positives and has continued to do so. So I did what I thought was right tried to talk to him, asked if he was suicidal and took him to the GP because he said he was and ensured he was on a mental health plan and ensured he started talking to a psychologist. The issue is that he is getting worse, he states the psychologist is a waste of time and money. He is becoming more socially isolated and his kids are now avoiding him due to unpredictable behaviours. I know that he had suffered as a child due to family violence although he won’t talk to me. I just wish he would let me in. There is really nothing that he could say that could hurt me. It surely is better than living in purgatory? How can I help him if he’s not willing to let me in and get help? What should I do, stay with him whilst his destructive behaviours are being detrimental to our children? Would love your thought.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Caree,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I want to start by reminding you of something you've probably heard before; you cannot help someone who does not want help. But that doesn't necessarily mean all is lost. Sometimes a good dose of tough love can do more to help someone, that doing all the other supportive things that they perhaps should be doing for themselves.

Maybe, and I stress the word 'Maybe' what will work better is to set some boundaries around what is acceptable behavior, and what is not? You mentioned that the children are now avoiding him because of his unpredictable behavior, yeah? Then perhaps rather than try getting him help, which he clearly doesn't want, try laying down some rules around how he speaks to you and the children; the basic stuff like using his manners and asking nicely for things, rather than snapping. Of course, I don't know if he does tend to snap or not use his manners, so these are just examples I am using, but hopefully you get the drift?

And while he may have suffered as a child, and was not responsible for what happened to him back then, he is now an adult and is most certainly responsible for what he does and says to others. Perhaps you could remind him of that too? That back then was not his fault, but here and now IS his responsibility.

Tough love may seem risky, but in many cases it can work when other methods have not.

Anyway, I don't know if that helps or not, but I hope it does help at least a little?

And remember, you can come back here as much as you like to get support for yourself.

Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo