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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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CAREE How do you help if they won’t let you in?
  • replies: 1

I have been married for 13 years to my husband and we have 3 beautiful children. Retrospectively I think he has always suffered from depression. He has had highs and lows from the start and for years I thought it was my problem, that he pushed me awa... View more

I have been married for 13 years to my husband and we have 3 beautiful children. Retrospectively I think he has always suffered from depression. He has had highs and lows from the start and for years I thought it was my problem, that he pushed me away, didn’t communicate, isolated himself and had no time, energy or tolerance for his family. Until one day talking to a psychologist made me realise that the issues were not my own. I always had made excuses for his behaviours, blamed myself or made arrangements so that I didn’t have to rely on him (because he was unreliable). To ensure that my own needs for friendship and adult conversation were met I became a work alcoholic until my children begged me to resign and my husband threatened I wouldn’t have a family to come home to if this was to continue. Since I resigned I have realised that it wasn’t a threat it was a cry for help. He had spiralled down so low he no longer saw the positives and has continued to do so. So I did what I thought was right tried to talk to him, asked if he was suicidal and took him to the GP because he said he was and ensured he was on a mental health plan and ensured he started talking to a psychologist. The issue is that he is getting worse, he states the psychologist is a waste of time and money. He is becoming more socially isolated and his kids are now avoiding him due to unpredictable behaviours. I know that he had suffered as a child due to family violence although he won’t talk to me. I just wish he would let me in. There is really nothing that he could say that could hurt me. It surely is better than living in purgatory? How can I help him if he’s not willing to let me in and get help? What should I do, stay with him whilst his destructive behaviours are being detrimental to our children? Would love your thought.

SpidersWeb In times of high stress how do you manage yourself when dealing with bipolar?
  • replies: 2

My partner told me of his Borderline BP after seven months of living together – those seven months were a very confusing roller-coaster time, where I didn’t know what was happening, so I’m sure I was doing and saying all the wrong things. Since that ... View more

My partner told me of his Borderline BP after seven months of living together – those seven months were a very confusing roller-coaster time, where I didn’t know what was happening, so I’m sure I was doing and saying all the wrong things. Since that time he has never given me any further information about what his BP means to him or how to manage the circumstances, he refuses to go on medication and does not seek any therapy. A few months later, after another round of him leaving without cause and me going into meltdown I started having some panic attacks (thankfully hasn’t happened since) – it was scary but I took myself off to a psychiatrist to try and get more information about what it meant to be living in this situation. The prognosis was pretty dire and I was basically told that if I wasn’t careful, I would end up in hospital because living in this situation is extremely difficult. It’s now been two years. Every few months we have the usual round of him leaving when I need to discuss some behavior (he has done things that I would find unacceptable in any other relationship) and I go into meltdown and say/do all the wrong things. I know I should just let him go during these times but when I’m trying to discuss things like adults and get some answers I become so frustrated. I have made huge lifestyle changes to try and accommodate, and have continued to have consultation with psychiatrists periodically and read to educate myself. He has currently been away from home for over four weeks and during that time we have had minimal contact often with fighting and nastiness on both sides. But, this one was a doozy and my fault. I could see that he was in a cycle for probably at least two weeks and was trying to give him outs to manage the cycle, but then I pushed for some big life decisions that were on a deadline and after he just kept avoiding a response I exploded! I am pretty appalled at myself and I know that with BP he does not have empathy for the process I am going through. My question is, in times of high stress how do you manage yourself – how do you switch off and breathe in that moment of total frustration so it doesn't lead to four weeks of two people feeling bad? I’m healthy, exercise regularly and ordinarily a very calm person. I have loads of support (admittedly my friends and family don’t quite “get it”, and wonder why I put myself through this – the answer is because I love him and I wouldn’t “get it”, either if I hadn’t been through it).

sunflower01 How to support my anxious boyfriend
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone! I'm a new member and was hoping I'd get some advice on how to deal and support my boyfriend who suffers greatly from anxiety. Over the years, I've slowly learnt what and what not to do/say in some situations. He has seen many councillors... View more

Hi everyone! I'm a new member and was hoping I'd get some advice on how to deal and support my boyfriend who suffers greatly from anxiety. Over the years, I've slowly learnt what and what not to do/say in some situations. He has seen many councillors in his life but always goes back to his anxious ways. My boyfriend is prone to overthink everything, especially in scenarios where he is torn between doing the "rational" thing or doing what will make him and myself happy. I'm worried about the things I say to him will cause him to overthink again and take him back to a dark place. He has thought about suicide, to which I'm still struggling to let go of, even though he has moved on. I am trying really hard to there for him, but I feel useless. I've read articles on anxiety and spoken to his close relatives to see how they deal with it. I want to provide the best support I can by being there and loving him, but I become irritated when I think he is being too irrational and too emotional. I hope someone can please help me. I would really appreciate all the help I can get. thank you!

Rosie_Red Should I keep trying or am I being manipulated?
  • replies: 4

how can I tell if my ex is just a narcissist or if he is truely struggling? He is a drug addict and compulsively lies, he has hated me for months because he’s convinced I made him homeless, abandoned him and took away his daughter (even though I sent... View more

how can I tell if my ex is just a narcissist or if he is truely struggling? He is a drug addict and compulsively lies, he has hated me for months because he’s convinced I made him homeless, abandoned him and took away his daughter (even though I sent him to live with his mum due to meth use lies and verbal abuse, I have supported him even though he’s abusive verbally/emotionally and he is allowed to visit his daughter/call any time but refuses too) He will hate me and abuse me via text one day then stop all contact with me for weeks then will finally reply and say things like “you have no idea the thoughts in my head” “daughter is better off without me” He also over exaggerates his drug use to make me worry/feel guilty how do I know if he’s struggling with addiction depression and anxiety or if he’s just stringing me along? I can’t tell if he is lying about the extent of his depression and extent of his drug use or actually depressed and using heavy drugs due to unhealthy addiction? He told me he had a seizure from drugs and I forced him to come stay with me and he cried for 2 days while I lectured him on why does he do this/doesn’t he wonder why I still stick by him after his abusing and he just sobbed, he then went back home (2 hrs away) and has cut all contact with me not replying to anything for 4 weeks? Only once he replied “I don’t know, I just don’t want to talk to anyone, all I do is drink myself to sleep” but I know he has been going around friends houses so he is not secluding himself from everyone just me and his baby? Is he giving me the run around? Am I just his backup plan for when he decides he needs a confidence boost? Do I cut him off and move on or keep messaging and telling him I love him even though I get no reply? Is he laughing at how pathetic I am by still trying from the other side of the phone while he’s actually enjoying himself or is he in a state of crisis and pushing me away? Help!!!

copingwithdepressedpartne Things can get better
  • replies: 6

I wanted to write to give some hope to those out there with loved ones who are suffering depression. I was reading everyone’s posts about six months ago. This forum was a great support. My partner and I have been together two years and six months (2 ... View more

I wanted to write to give some hope to those out there with loved ones who are suffering depression. I was reading everyone’s posts about six months ago. This forum was a great support. My partner and I have been together two years and six months (2 months one time then 4 months another time) of those two years he has suffered really bad depression. I knew he was sick so I stuck by him and supported him the best I could. It was hard, really really hard to stick by him. He withdrew and wouldn’t talk to me for weeks, it was awful. Slowly he started coming out of it, his fog cleared. He says he now feels like he did 10 years ago. Happy and at peace. We meditate together, exercise together and try to eat healthy. I’ve seen him change into someone who is excited about life again, it’s wonderful. I hope others out there can see their partners get through it too.

Berley Patience is wearing out
  • replies: 1

Hi, i'm new here. Background: my partner has lived with anxiety for 10years which has increased significantly in the last 3years following a bicycle accident. Since the accident he also has PTSD and a bit of depression. In the last year he has strugg... View more

Hi, i'm new here. Background: my partner has lived with anxiety for 10years which has increased significantly in the last 3years following a bicycle accident. Since the accident he also has PTSD and a bit of depression. In the last year he has struggled. He doesn't feel like he has a medication that is working. He had a psychiatrist but that was short term care and has ended. He has been self medicating and drinking (some weeks worse than others). He had 3 weeks in a clinic but since then has felt pressure from work and seems to be back to drinking too much. This week he got caught drink driving. I'm getting frustrated with him, he tries to treat himself rather than ask for professional help. He doesn't realise how his behaviour is affecting not just me and his children but people in his work place. I want to help, I try to help but it seems to have little affect.

Naokev Everything thing I say is wrong to my daughter 26 who suffers depression. I want to help her but don't know how.
  • replies: 4

My daughter 26 has been diagnosed with depression and ptsd about 5 years ago. When she gets really depressed and I attempt to help her it usually ends up with her telling me I don.t understand and that I am no help to her at all. I keep trying but do... View more

My daughter 26 has been diagnosed with depression and ptsd about 5 years ago. When she gets really depressed and I attempt to help her it usually ends up with her telling me I don.t understand and that I am no help to her at all. I keep trying but don't know what the right thing to say is. Any suggestions are met with contempt and anger. I really want to help and after 5 years I'm still not getting it right.

FeelingLikeTheresNoHope Too much on my plate.
  • replies: 3

Hello, I'm a highschool student from Australia and my boyfriend whom i love very much has depression, autism, D.A.M.P, ADHD, & anxiety. He's usually pretty low-key but with the term ending its been unbearable and I just want to help him when he's ups... View more

Hello, I'm a highschool student from Australia and my boyfriend whom i love very much has depression, autism, D.A.M.P, ADHD, & anxiety. He's usually pretty low-key but with the term ending its been unbearable and I just want to help him when he's upset it makes me upset naturally. So he's fine sometimes but then he has these major breakdowns later in the day where he feels like everybody hates him and he might just kill himself and he cant talk to his mum about it because she doesn't know how to respond properly, he really needs help but we don't know what to do he's just all of a sudden stuck in a really long depression where its affecting everything. I love him but its literally ruining both of our lives right now and I'm worried his depression is going to push him over the edge. And i know that its not my problem and i shouldn't take his issues on so much but I'm one of those people that cant help it, I just want to help people the best i can but i feel like it's beyond my control now. I tried to structure this okay I'm sorry if i ramble and i don't know what I'm expecting back from this i just wanted to put this out there.

phoenix343 Help with a compulsive liar co-worker?
  • replies: 1

Hey guys, I'm a casual at a retail store, and we're all pretty tight-knit as a team, but one of the guys who works with us tells lots of stories and we've recently figured out at least some of what he says are lies. They're about different things, ha... View more

Hey guys, I'm a casual at a retail store, and we're all pretty tight-knit as a team, but one of the guys who works with us tells lots of stories and we've recently figured out at least some of what he says are lies. They're about different things, having a girlfriend, buying a nice old car from overseas, possibly getting drafted for an overseas sports team, that kind of thing. We know its most likely because if he didn't lie about these things he wouldn't have stuff to say when we ask what he did on the weekend, or he feels like he needs to impress us to fit it, or we've got things going in our lives that happen just cause we're all a little bit older than him and have worked for them and he may feel left out etc, or it could be a symptom of low self esteem or a bigger mental health issue. What I'm asking is, does anyone here have experience with having a casual relationship with a compulsive liar? I and a few of the girls I work with are looking for tips of how to talk to him without shooting him down or confronting his lies, without reinforcing that lying gets him attention/approval/acceptance from us all. For now, we're going to work hard on finding common ground and good conversation topics, but when he starts lying to be like 'oh I have to go do something' as some kind of negative reinforcement that the lies aren't getting the attention he's hoping to get out of them, if that's part of the cause. Also going to give him morale boasters over good things we see him do at work. He's cool to talk to, and we really just wanna be able to have real conversations with him about real stuff. Thanks, any stories or experience welcome!

Mothership I’m a new member
  • replies: 3

Hi I’m a mother grandmother and carer, mental health in my family has always been shaky my hubby suffers from bi polar plus various other health problems my big son has bi polar, and has been suicidal my youngest son anxiety and depression, has been ... View more

Hi I’m a mother grandmother and carer, mental health in my family has always been shaky my hubby suffers from bi polar plus various other health problems my big son has bi polar, and has been suicidal my youngest son anxiety and depression, has been suicidal myself I suffer from anxiety and pressure in caring for my family