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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Beefabear Totally Lost
  • replies: 5

Hi everyone I am hoping for some guidance or ideas on how to deal with my current situation. Son is mid-teens and has ODD, seeing a psych, on low dose medication. Hubby has mild depression. They clash constantly to the point where our son tells my hu... View more

Hi everyone I am hoping for some guidance or ideas on how to deal with my current situation. Son is mid-teens and has ODD, seeing a psych, on low dose medication. Hubby has mild depression. They clash constantly to the point where our son tells my hubby to commit suicide because no one wants him in the house. This is absolutely not true. Son tells me I should leave my husband because he’s not good enough for me. Son also says he’s wanted to kill himself because of husband. Hubby is a ‘normal’ dad, no domestic violence, genuine, caring, sticks his neck out for our son no matter how ungrateful he is. Hubby is of course hurt. I don’t understand how my son doesn’t see this. I stare in disbelief at what comes out of his mouth and tell him that his words are hurtful and is impacting his dads mental health. He just does not care and swears at me saying that I always side with hubby. We are at our wits end and at a loss of how to deal with this. It is not a nice house to live in at the moment and I dread coming home. Any thoughts or advice would be great. BB

Mousy Supporting partner with mood disorder and psychosis
  • replies: 4

Hi all, My partner has been diagnosed with mood disorder with psychosis and regularly accuses me of cheating on him. This leads to a heated argument and he is awaiting treatment for this condition. Any advice on how to manage this situation, what do ... View more

Hi all, My partner has been diagnosed with mood disorder with psychosis and regularly accuses me of cheating on him. This leads to a heated argument and he is awaiting treatment for this condition. Any advice on how to manage this situation, what do I do? Denying cheating only makes my partner more upset and I am not sure how many more arguments I can take. We have been together many years and as we get older together this has become worse and more frequent. Please if anyone has any advice about managing psychosis and where I can seek support I would appreciate your help. Thank you

Jkl123 Getting help... where to start when not nearby?
  • replies: 1

Hi My brother lives in a different state far away from all family and only has one friend nearby. His friend is supporting him but contacted me as his depression and behaviour are concerning him. I know he needs a proper assessment and treatment. How... View more

Hi My brother lives in a different state far away from all family and only has one friend nearby. His friend is supporting him but contacted me as his depression and behaviour are concerning him. I know he needs a proper assessment and treatment. How can I bring this up, support him and ensure he follows through? I don't know where to start and am very concerned for him. thank you.

Farry Grateful to be able to share my story
  • replies: 3

Hi there I am so grateful for the opportunity to share my story. I am a nurse of 22 years, a sibling survivor of suicide and our beautiful daughter was badly bullied in grade six , has social anxiety, depression and BPD. She has self harmed, multiple... View more

Hi there I am so grateful for the opportunity to share my story. I am a nurse of 22 years, a sibling survivor of suicide and our beautiful daughter was badly bullied in grade six , has social anxiety, depression and BPD. She has self harmed, multiple suicide attempts one resulting in her becoming unconscious, being intubated and choppered out. My husband and son struggle every day with fear of losing her. It’s exhausting living in a state of hyper vigilance and now that she has turned 18 she is no longer able to continue with CAMHS and of course can decline any services which is scary. She is a beautiful girl, I just wish I could change things for her. I would love to support other parents going through this. I’m a huge advocate against bullying and for mental health- remove the stigma. I’d love to share my story in schools and to anyway can benefit from my message. Thank you

egyptian_writer my 11 years old daughter with separation anxiety
  • replies: 5

we moved to AUSTRALIA only 15 months ago... it was a hard time but my daughter was amazing and did'nt show any troubles...now after everything started to get settled ,she doesnt sleep at all and sleeping time means panic attacks and hours of crying .... View more

we moved to AUSTRALIA only 15 months ago... it was a hard time but my daughter was amazing and did'nt show any troubles...now after everything started to get settled ,she doesnt sleep at all and sleeping time means panic attacks and hours of crying . as adviced from a friend i took her twice to hypnotherapist . the crying stopped but still not sleeping good. the therapist said she doesnt see any positive thing about her life but me and she scared she would fall asleep find me disappear. idont know anything here and im struggling any advice?

Min_D Caring for my depressed, alcoholic, apathetic and chronically ill mum
  • replies: 4

My mum 65, has always been depressed and drank and smoked all her life. After my Dad died 6 years ago, it has just got worse. Long story short, she has developed severe COPD and on oxygen 24/7, very poor mobility as well as other ailments. She has no... View more

My mum 65, has always been depressed and drank and smoked all her life. After my Dad died 6 years ago, it has just got worse. Long story short, she has developed severe COPD and on oxygen 24/7, very poor mobility as well as other ailments. She has no money, on the pension and spends most of it on cigs and wine. lived with my younger sister for 2 years and they ended up hating each other as mum is difficult. Having no where else to go, I suggested she move interstate and live with me, my hubby, and kids. I didn’t think it was going to be this challenging!! The apathy is killing me! showers every 2nd day if that, wants her hair washed fortnightly and lives in her pjs. I try and encourage her but there’s always an excuse and she refuses. Her days are like this: 25-30 cigs, 1-2 bottles of wine plus occasional spirit, painkillers, sedatives. She sits outside and does this, starting at around 10am, most days she’s just miserable . I wash her clothes, cook dinner, feed and wash her dog, clean her room. I myself work full time as a nurse, and do the usual family stuff. I feel so overwhelmed. She doesn’t help to do anything- she can’t because of her COPD, everything is exhausting for her. Won’t even put her dishes in the dishwasher, I asked her to do this simple thing and I’m met with reasons why she can’t. I love her but I’m starting to feel resentment. My hubby and kids are so patient. I was just about to leave to attend our daughters grad ceremony when she informs me she only has 4 cigs left. I said I’ll be back in a couple of hours and to space them out. She had a complete meltdown and told me that I should have known she was low, that I didn’t understand her addictions and ended with “your supposed to be my carer”. She didn’t care about her granddaughter ‘s ceremony, only the cigs. She admitted that she doesn’t give a shit about herself, that she’s f”cked in the head and dying. She been dying for 3 years now. Has threatened and attempted to kill herself numerous times over the years. I hate watching her live like this! She used to be such a funny lady who cared what she looked like and cared a lot about her friends and family. Hardly anyone contacts her as their calls go unanswered, and the conversations are all doom and gloom about her ailing health. I also don’t know how this will affect my kids and marriage. She has nowhere else to go, especially where she can smoke and drink to her hearts content, no rules or boundaries. Advice welcome please!

DrDutchie Seeking peers living with depressed partners for uplifting support
  • replies: 2

Hi! i hope you are doing well. I am on this forum as I would like to meet other people who live with depressed partners just for uplifting support. My husband has been suffering from depression most of his life, and this has gotten really at the fore... View more

Hi! i hope you are doing well. I am on this forum as I would like to meet other people who live with depressed partners just for uplifting support. My husband has been suffering from depression most of his life, and this has gotten really at the forefront since having children, now 12 years ago. There have been ups and downs over this time, and usually I have been able to remain positive as that is my usual nature. But now we are back down again, which this time coincides with things not going well for me as well. I do not have the energy to cope with his negativity. Our relationship is deteriorating, I am losing my positivity, and I just do not see a way out. A dear friend recommended beyond blue to me for ‘peer support’. Could anyone here please point me in the right direction and provide links to forum groups or threads? Thanks so much!

Preston1979 17 year old daughter depression anxiety
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, I’m in a bit of a parenting nightmare. My daughter struggles with anxiety and depression and has recently been medicated for this using an SSRI, the first one she had what we though were adverse effects which were losses of massive chunk... View more

Hi everyone, I’m in a bit of a parenting nightmare. My daughter struggles with anxiety and depression and has recently been medicated for this using an SSRI, the first one she had what we though were adverse effects which were losses of massive chunks of memory which we were very frightened over and a doctor switched her to a new one, however in the end we found out that she was drinking alcohol with the SSRI and this can cause memory blackouts and even personality changes. Going of only the idea she had memory blackouts and not knowing about the alcohol her doctor wants her reviewed for bipolar, no family history and no other indications. However her psychologist said she does not see anything more than anxiety/depression so why would our doctor be referring her? Would this just be to cross all bases? Also would a psychologist that has been seeing my daughter for months now have a better idea than our family doctor who she doesn’t see that often? I’m also struggling as I am trying not to take on board all of this stress and my daughters own personal worries but I can’t help it, we have other children and it’s not fair on them. My daughter is 17 and 18 early next year, I need to learn to take a step back and let her lead her own life. Any tips on how to do this please? I’ve tried a counselling service but I am so damn head strong is doesn’t help me. I just worried so much about her it’s ridiculous.

Luga New to this. Depressed partner seeming to become distant and isolated. How do I approach?
  • replies: 2

Hi, I am new to supporting someone with a mental illness. My partner of just over a year has depression, and is beginning to push me away. We live separately, both at our family homes. I would like to connect with her however am unsure of how to appr... View more

Hi, I am new to supporting someone with a mental illness. My partner of just over a year has depression, and is beginning to push me away. We live separately, both at our family homes. I would like to connect with her however am unsure of how to approach delicately as each time so far has been met with a push back. How do you approach when the person is crawling into hibernation? My current plan, is mostly to make sure I remain okay, as I have my own relational trauma background that can cause me to get triggered in a situation (for example) when there is something persistently wrong, and I am at fault , and so if I'm not okay, I won't be of any good to her. But what I want to do is make sure she still knows that I value the relationship very much so, and I value her. Should I text? Should I write? Please no "it could be worse" replies. I get that everyone is at different stages, and these commentssuggest competition. Politely I request constructive feedback or sharing of similar experiences perhaps at the beginning when the scary wraith at the end of the dimly lit corridor was just starting to make itself known. Thanks in advance, Luga

Melsyck2019 Husband won't return home as wants to do it on his own
  • replies: 5

Hi All, I'm hoping to get some advice in regards to my husband suffering with Depression and Anxiety. I knew that he always had a past with depressed feelings etc but its not something I have really had to witness in the last 5 years we have been tog... View more

Hi All, I'm hoping to get some advice in regards to my husband suffering with Depression and Anxiety. I knew that he always had a past with depressed feelings etc but its not something I have really had to witness in the last 5 years we have been together until earlier this year. He was a FIFO worker for 3 years that we decided to bring him home earlier this year and have some more normality rather than the isolation he felt whilst working away. He reached out to a psychologist earlier this year and 3 sessions in he felt great and was doing so well that he decided to stop. We unfortunately have had a few horrible things thrown at us this year (miscarriage, family issues etc) but he seemed to do really well through those. The past month I have seen his behaviour change and the alcohol increase. He has been sleeping very late, when he used to be up quite early to start the day, his appetite had decreased and he had increased the alcohol intake and enjoyed the feeling of losing himself to the alcohol when we were in a social setting. He had become quite withdrawn and cold towards me in the recent weeks that I tried chatting to him and asked him if he was interested in seeing the psychologist again to his response of 'she cant fix my past'. There has been a few recent events lately of him going out till all hours of the morning, spending a huge amount of money and returning whenever he liked without keeping me in the loop. He asked for space, I was reluctant but one weekend when I had more than enough I agreed to the space and he then unfortunately hit his breaking point and booked the psychologist. He has since been diagnosed with severe depression and has been placed on medication. During this he has chosen to move out to our friends house so we can both have 'space' - this was 2 weeks ago and now he wont come home. I went around to our friends last week (1 week after he left) and he explained he needs to do this on his own, come to terms with his diagnosis, has no energy to put in to our relationship right now, needs to get his head right etc before he can come home. I find this hard because I believe we are a team and I should be there to support him along the way but he is adamant he doesn't want anything from me right now. I have tried to reach out via text messages every few days with no response - including a phone call that wasn't answered last night. I am so scared he is going to push me away for good, we will be married 1 year next month.