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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Kate123456789 Burning feeling on skin on my back
  • replies: 1

Hey guys, look for the past 10-12 days I’ve been experiencing a burning sensation on the top of my back I’ve been to a doctor and said oh it’s nothing put QV cream on it! Look I know it’s not nothing it’s feels hot and feels like a sunburn! so moving... View more

Hey guys, look for the past 10-12 days I’ve been experiencing a burning sensation on the top of my back I’ve been to a doctor and said oh it’s nothing put QV cream on it! Look I know it’s not nothing it’s feels hot and feels like a sunburn! so moving forward I suffer from anxiety I’m 31 I think I would say I’ve had anxiety nearly all my life. Since having children I would say it’s gotten so much worse I deal with the personal torment daily I’m not sure even my partner knows how bad my anxiety gets!! I worry about the most ridiculous things and when it comes to the health of my children that’s another ball game. So going back to the start of this topic the burning sensation I am feeling I started to google 🤦🏻‍🤦🏻‍🤦🏻‍🤦🏻‍. Now I’m conceived I has MS and have 25-30 years left to live. I just want answers and I feel absolutely ridiculous that my anxiety allows me to believe the worst every single time. ive booked another appointment to the doctors tomorrow, I do know one thing the burning pain I’m not making up.

Positive_pear How to help my depressed partner ?
  • replies: 1

Hello! I am seeking advice on how to help my girlfriend, Here is a little bit about us, I’m 26 and she’s 24, we have been together for over a year and both came out of long term relationships around 2 years ago. We have known each other for 9 years a... View more

Hello! I am seeking advice on how to help my girlfriend, Here is a little bit about us, I’m 26 and she’s 24, we have been together for over a year and both came out of long term relationships around 2 years ago. We have known each other for 9 years and have had our ups and down but lately my girlfriend has gotten worse, It all started about 9 months ago when we moved in together, she has a full time job that she gets a lot of stress from despite having a kind and supporting boss, as well as studying online part time. I work full time as well and we also live in a share house. I have had major depression in the past but have been fine for years and have not regressed since. She has also had depression in the past. To sum it shortly without going into more detail, all of the stresses in my partners life has resulted in her self harming and feeing lost, alone and not wanting to live anymore, she cries her self to sleep every night and breaks down every day when she gets home saying “she can’t do it anymore”. I can see she is trying, I’m trying to be compassionate and staying positive but I’m struggling to find ways to reassure And help her. Also I am being realistic about my expectations for her in that she needs major help or a major change in her life as she is stuck in a black hole. I’d like to add we are both seeing psychologists and I found mine to be very helpful, where as she does not see hers as helpful at all. Thank you for reading

Leleina How to support grieving husband when I am not ok
  • replies: 2

Hi all My husband recently most his mum and since the funeral he has has work to occupy his mind, but we are going on holiday soon and he says he is starting to feel depressed and anxious plus where we are going is my home country where we got marrie... View more

Hi all My husband recently most his mum and since the funeral he has has work to occupy his mind, but we are going on holiday soon and he says he is starting to feel depressed and anxious plus where we are going is my home country where we got married and memories of his mum during our wedding will make him even sadder. How do I support him? He is too busy at work and I have suggested counselling but he has yet to set an appointment claiming he has too much to do and no time. I myself am not in a good space. I have my first counselling appointment next Tuesday and will depart soon after. As it is, I feel my needs are compromised looking after three young children full time. I don't want to make it about myself all the time. Sometimes for me, communication is a challenge and I have a lot of insecurities. I don't want to delve into them here. I also feel very tired. I sound so selfish... but what I want to do is to support him without thinking of myself. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Meanwhile will try to read the rest of the threads. Thank you Leleina

summerain Just found out my son is struggling with his mental health
  • replies: 2

After yelling at my son for not cleaning up after a party while we were away, his behaviour went weird, he seemed to not know even where to get the mop from or how to wipe down a bench. I honestly thought he'd taken something. So when I left the hous... View more

After yelling at my son for not cleaning up after a party while we were away, his behaviour went weird, he seemed to not know even where to get the mop from or how to wipe down a bench. I honestly thought he'd taken something. So when I left the house and came back my other son told me to back off and leave him be and as an angry mum and dad we said no, he knew he should have cleaned the house. Then my 21 year old just started crying and saying how he felt that he has never been accepted by us and that he felt we don't connect with him and never have. He was utterly broken and just crying, he revealed he has been seeing a psychologist twice a week for almost 5 months just to deal with the feelings in his head that we don't love him and that he thinks we don't think he is good enough. He is so incredibly wrong though and he is the one who completes my heart. I'm so proud of him and feel so awful that I have not known how he really felt. I also know that he didn't want me, his dad or brother knowing how he was feeling. He's a great young man, holds down a good job, works hard, has a great circle of friends and never been in any trouble. When he comes home from work he often goes straight to his room, and I always believed I was letting him have his privacy as he didn't want to hang out with us. He doesn't like to open up to us and said afterwards he didn't want to tell us what he did. I've also discovered that he had been self-harming. I feel so full of guilt that I could have lost my son the other day when we were yelling at him. I believe had he not of told us, he would've ended his life. I'm so beyond proud that he has had the strength and courage to seek help and so thankful his best mate put him in touch with his psychologist. My husband and I are seeing my gp to see how we can help. My son is still too embarrassed and feeling ashamed so I don't know how to support him when he doesn't want to talk about it. I feel so broken for him.

Spinelli Husband with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD
  • replies: 1

My husband had a tumultuous childhood, torn from a lovely outback country bush upbringing and flung into suburban Britain where he met me. Flunked school, became a carpenter from the necessity to pay bills. Hit drugs and alcohol hard. (Self-medicatin... View more

My husband had a tumultuous childhood, torn from a lovely outback country bush upbringing and flung into suburban Britain where he met me. Flunked school, became a carpenter from the necessity to pay bills. Hit drugs and alcohol hard. (Self-medicating, we now realise). Fast forward falling in love with him, getting a visa and coming back to Australia with him. He has not handled leaving his British school mates well. Terribly, infact. Went through his teens and early twenties with them instead of his parents who went travelling, leaving him behind. He is disconnected from family and friends. Only contacts he has now are through work. We now run a business together. The stress and pressures he puts on himself ( I know from being overly self-critical and lack of self-esteem due to his ADHD) are making him physically ill and further dependent on drugs and alcohol. I try to help with suggestions of doctor and business coach assistance and I think he is taking offense. He will not seek help. I cannot take his emotional abuse any more. He comes home stressed and takes it out on me. I know I am codependent but I have no strength left in me to be assertive in a positive way. I break into tears. He had run behind on a job so had me go on site to try lift a window in for him whilst he screwed to the frame. It was too heavy and scary balancing on a ladder, my arms and legs were shaking and I burst into tears. Later he called the apprentice from another site to help him. I think he knew I wouldn't manage it and was trying to show me how difficult his life is. I feel trapped and helpless.

useruser2020 Supporting Partner with form of Bipolar?
  • replies: 4

Hey, I'm looking for some advice and support on how to support my boyfriend of a year who has a version of Bipolar thats like... a real regular up/down cycle. See, the struggle is not when he's going through normal/mania - that we are fine with. In f... View more

Hey, I'm looking for some advice and support on how to support my boyfriend of a year who has a version of Bipolar thats like... a real regular up/down cycle. See, the struggle is not when he's going through normal/mania - that we are fine with. In fact, during these times he's so loving and affectionate and kind. But when he has the down periods... I really struggle. I don't know how to support him. When I ask him what he wants, he gives me mixed messages. Sometimes he wants me to reassure him, sometimes he wants space, sometimes he says he wants me there then tells me to go away when I do go. He gets really snappy and honestly... mean. In his down periods, he makes me feel like my love and affection is an annoyance and inconvenience to him. So then I back off because he's snapping at me, getting angry with me (which really hurts me), and then he gets more upset because I'm upset and giving him space he's clearly asking for. I don't know how to love and support him because if I'm there reassuring him, talking to him I'm wrong and get my head bitten off, but if I leave him alone and give him space I'm making it worse by neglecting him. And this all makes me feel like shit because I'm a very affectionate person - I like to message cute things, emojis, talk, cuddle. So when he goes from being as affectionate as I am to suddenly not it really messes with my own mental health and sense of worth because someone I love who loves me is hurting me. And when I try to talk to him about this, it always ends up being spun into something I am either: 1. Not doing right 2. Being too sensitive about 3. Blaming him for past relationship trauma I hate feeling so unsure and useless. I never know what to expect and I really struggle because all I want to do is love him and be with him but for 1-2 weeks every month it's like he hates me for wanting to love him. I just don't know - I feel like this post has been very conflicted and garbled in actual message. Does anyone have any tips or ways I can protect myself in his down periods, but also support him when he doesn't know what support he wants/needs?

LesleyT Daughter with BPD
  • replies: 7

Hi, I really need some help on how to effectively help my 24yr old daughter navigate the ups and downs of Borderline Personality Disorder. Her issues have been ongoing for a couple of years now and have recently been diagnosed as BPD. Treatment inclu... View more

Hi, I really need some help on how to effectively help my 24yr old daughter navigate the ups and downs of Borderline Personality Disorder. Her issues have been ongoing for a couple of years now and have recently been diagnosed as BPD. Treatment includes anti anxiety meds which are working well, but also Dialectical Behaviour Therapy which is sooo hard to come by. Most groups have a long wait time (up to 18mths) She went to an Intake Assessment last week for a 20 week DBT programme, which doesn't start til February 2020. She is very motivated to start. I've been supporting/almost propping her for some time now, and when she called me the other day sobbing, asking for me to message her boss to say she was having an anxiety attack, I suggested it would be best if the message came from her. She hung up on me and has been cold every since. I thought I may have been enabling her by constantly doing all the 'hard' things for her, but I'm sure she now thinks I've abandoned her. We live 2 hrs apart, so not easy to just drop in to see her.

Always_learning Narcissist destroying family, can we help, protection order
  • replies: 8

First post. I have a brother who I have recently come to believe has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. No I am not a professional, and ideally would like to get a professional diagnosis, but I have studied and 98% sure and he ticks the boxes. He is ... View more

First post. I have a brother who I have recently come to believe has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. No I am not a professional, and ideally would like to get a professional diagnosis, but I have studied and 98% sure and he ticks the boxes. He is the youngest in the family (by 8 years) and by the time he was a teenager his older brother and sister had married and left home and were busy raising our own families. So we never really saw his behaviours until recently. We always knew that he had issues but thought he was just "Being himself - weird". The fact that he only wanted to talk about himself and demean others meant that at family get togethers, we normally didn't spend much time near him. Its only been in the last year that I have really seen the escalating negative behaviours, and become a focus of his condition myself. He has always liked to "big note" himself, tell stories about how good he was, and at the same time put others down. He had a very difficult upbringing, it's relevant how he got here but not related to what we are trying to do. Our elderly parents are now in permanent aged care, and for the year prior to that I was acting as a carer for them, which is when I came into a lot more regular contact with my brother. I also installed cameras in the house (With mums and dads approval) to monitor care givers visits and also ensure they were safe (Mum has Alzhiemers and Dad was having falls). The videos showed the verbal lies and character attacks by my brother against myself were ongoing and many. Current situation is that following a face to face Death threat and verbal aggression, my sister and myself have taken out a protection order. The death threat was during a Narcissist rage that started when I told him "I'm not going to help you as much anymore". This was following one of his "Being difficult" episodes. It was all captured on cameras. He now tells people that he had to run away and I threatened him and he was scarred. Shame that the videos actually show what really happened. When he remembered the videos it changed to "Didn't really mean it". His Daughters (both adults) cant handle it any more, His latest girlfriend also had abuse and has protection order. He has alienated all his immediate family. And then moved to "Dumping" on mum and dad at the aged care home. Nurses commented that dad was in tears following visits. But we still want to help. Dad wants a happy family. I said I'd try getting Mediation or counselling for us ?

Cwilliamc Supporting my girlfriend
  • replies: 2

Hi I don't know where to start.I love my girlfriend and we have been together for about a year and a half. She is incredibly strong and just finished studying, starting her new job in a highly emotional/mentally draining field. I guess one of the thi... View more

Hi I don't know where to start.I love my girlfriend and we have been together for about a year and a half. She is incredibly strong and just finished studying, starting her new job in a highly emotional/mentally draining field. I guess one of the things I am struggling with is that I work in a emotionally taxing field myself and after work, I get home from working with individual who has serious health conditions. after work I feel I spend many afternoons talking over how she is in pain and feeling down with negative thoughts. Sometimes I feel I emotionally just don't have any more to give anyone and I've had a couple of breakdowns over the last couple of months. My girlfriend has had a couple of life life changes from studying full time to working and is finding it hard to adjust. She's dealt with depression and anxiety for many years now, seeking councillor help in the past but says it didn't help. I've suggested seeking extra support around her by seeing a psych which might help to cope with these changes in her life and give strategies to deal with things. She started seeing a psych a couple of months ago, she liked her but had to sort some paperwork with her gp and stopped. I've asked her several times to make appointments with her gp to get the paperwork sort and she says she forgets, I understand that can happen. I suggested making an appointment online while I was with her, she went to the appointment and forgot to follow up with the paperwork. I don't know what to do, I love her but I feel emotionally drained sometimes. She tells me that she is at her end and does not have any reserve left in her. I feel like I'm heading down that path myself I don't know what to do. Sorry about the big ramble and I really appreciate your time reading this. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Cheets

Kookykooks Struggling to help my depressed/anxious and angry 10 year old son...
  • replies: 2

My son is 10 and has been struggling with his feelings for about 4 years. He has suicidal thoughts and gets very angry (very quickly) and struggles with anything that is disappointing/not perfect. Despite seeing a psychiatrist for 18 months now he do... View more

My son is 10 and has been struggling with his feelings for about 4 years. He has suicidal thoughts and gets very angry (very quickly) and struggles with anything that is disappointing/not perfect. Despite seeing a psychiatrist for 18 months now he doesn’t seem to be getting any better. School has been brilliant. They have been really understanding and know that if they exclude him it is reinforcing his perception that he is worthless so they rarely send him home unless they really have to. He recently ran away from school. I picked him up on the road and I got him home. He then lost it and smashed virtually every window in the house by throwing bricks through them. I called the police as I was terrified of him hurting himself or me. The police and ambulance eventually took him off to the women and children’s emergency hospital He was so frightened. I feel awful about calling the police but I was terrified. i thought once he got to hospital they would see how bad things have got and help him but sadly I realised they just don’t have any facilities for children this age. He is now home (it happened on Wednesday) but last night he got in another rage and (re)smashed one of the windows. Luckily this time my husband was here so he was able to get hold of him and prevent more damage. I am not sure what to do. I am not sure how to handle it all. We have another son (11) who is really good but I feel so sad for him - this is not a good childhood for him. We don’t have family here (we are from UK) so we are on our own and have no respite. It’s all pretty awful. I don’t expect anyone to be able to help here I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. i am ‘used to’ mental health issues as I grew up with a sister who has bipolar so have been through a lot of ups and downs over the years. Having a son with issues - especially going into such rages - is just something else though. I am pretty strong but I fear it is breaking me and I am struggling to know how to help him. I and so sad. My heart breaks.