Daughter with BPD

[LesleyT]

Hi, I really need some help on how to effectively help my 24yr old daughter navigate the ups and downs of Borderline Personality Disorder. Her issues have been ongoing for a couple of years now and have recently been diagnosed as BPD. Treatment includes anti anxiety meds which are working well, but also Dialectical Behaviour Therapy which is sooo hard to come by. Most groups have a long wait time (up to 18mths) She went to an Intake Assessment last week for a 20 week DBT programme, which doesn't start til February 2020. She is very motivated to start.

I've been supporting/almost propping her for some time now, and when she called me the other day sobbing, asking for me to message her boss to say she was having an anxiety attack, I suggested it would be best if the message came from her. She hung up on me and has been cold every since. I thought I may have been enabling her by constantly doing all the 'hard' things for her, but I'm sure she now thinks I've abandoned her. We live 2 hrs apart, so not easy to just drop in to see her.

[Aaronsis]

HI LesleyT

It is so wonderful you have reached out to the Beyond Blue community at a time that as a parent is terrifying and frustrating, we all want to "fix" our kids and be in a position to make all their problems and issues go away and when we cant it is debilitating. Especially for you seeing that you are far from your daughter that too would be stressful as you can't physically be right beside her.

As you know, people with borderline personality disorder have difficulties in controlling their emotions and relating to people. We all do see the world very differently but a person with BPD has an abnormally distorted view of themselves and their environment. They don’t feel comfortable in themselves, and they can find everyday life, like what other people do and say, very upsetting. So in saying all that I can see why your daughter would feel really worried and upset about making that text/call to her manager. However in saying that you are absolutely right in that she does have to live with this and has to find ways to be able to make these calls and function as you cannot do this for her. Perhaps a call to her to address this situation and to try to again focus on the emotion rather than the act of messaging or on the task itself. I hope that she can see that you do care and are coming from a place of love. I am by no means a professional on any of this, these are just my thoughts.

It is so wonderful she is excited to start her programme and hopefully this will give her some tools to manage these sorts of life situations.

I can hear how hard this is for you as you want so much to help your daughter and do things to make her happy, it is so very hard. I think something that might be helpful is to try to focus on her emotions rather than on her words and just try to be supportive in how she is feeling. Also I hope you can take care of you too, perhaps a support group would be a really big help for you and your family too.

I am not sure if I have been able to help you LesleyT but we are here to chat and to help you through this time.

Huge hugs to you

AS

[Farry]

Hi Lesley, i have just joined the group. Our daughter was diagnosed with BPD two years ago at age 16. She also has depression and social anxiety. I understand exactly what you are saying. Our daughter is emotionally hypersensitive and some days I honestly just feel so exhausted with trying to work out if I’m going to say the wrong thing. Our daughter is not aggressive or angry thankfully but she is very black and white and if your grey then she will just shut you down.

I feel for you and I’m sorry you are going through this 😔

[LesleyT]

Oh thankyou so much and apologies for my late response. It's been a tough week for her and yes, I did re focus on her feelings instead of actions, and have guided her to contact the therapists she had been referred to for individual DBT therapy as soon as possible. Thank you again, Lesley

[LesleyT]

Thank you so much Farry, it's really helpful to hear from others who 'get it' and I'm kicking myself that I didn't think of this site sooner! Are your family members understanding of your daughter's struggles?

[LesleyT]

And yes, thankyou so much AS, you have helped immensely.

[Aaronsis]

Hi LesleyT

I am so happy to hear back from you and that things are taking a really positive step forward for you and for your daughter too, that is really wonderful to hear. Wishing her all the very best for her DBT therapy, it is great to hear that you have suggested she reach out to these therapists, I am hoping for her and for you that she can get in to see someone.

Come and chat anytime LesleyT, I would really like to know how she is getting along and you too for that matter.

Hugs to you

AS

[LesleyT]

Thanks again AS, hopefully she can get into see someone asap.I will definitely keep in touch.