Husband won't return home as wants to do it on his own

[Melsyck2019]

Hi All,

I'm hoping to get some advice in regards to my husband suffering with Depression and Anxiety. I knew that he always had a past with depressed feelings etc but its not something I have really had to witness in the last 5 years we have been together until earlier this year. He was a FIFO worker for 3 years that we decided to bring him home earlier this year and have some more normality rather than the isolation he felt whilst working away. He reached out to a psychologist earlier this year and 3 sessions in he felt great and was doing so well that he decided to stop. We unfortunately have had a few horrible things thrown at us this year (miscarriage, family issues etc) but he seemed to do really well through those.

The past month I have seen his behaviour change and the alcohol increase. He has been sleeping very late, when he used to be up quite early to start the day, his appetite had decreased and he had increased the alcohol intake and enjoyed the feeling of losing himself to the alcohol when we were in a social setting.

He had become quite withdrawn and cold towards me in the recent weeks that I tried chatting to him and asked him if he was interested in seeing the psychologist again to his response of 'she cant fix my past'. There has been a few recent events lately of him going out till all hours of the morning, spending a huge amount of money and returning whenever he liked without keeping me in the loop. He asked for space, I was reluctant but one weekend when I had more than enough I agreed to the space and he then unfortunately hit his breaking point and booked the psychologist. He has since been diagnosed with severe depression and has been placed on medication. During this he has chosen to move out to our friends house so we can both have 'space' - this was 2 weeks ago and now he wont come home.

I went around to our friends last week (1 week after he left) and he explained he needs to do this on his own, come to terms with his diagnosis, has no energy to put in to our relationship right now, needs to get his head right etc before he can come home. I find this hard because I believe we are a team and I should be there to support him along the way but he is adamant he doesn't want anything from me right now. I have tried to reach out via text messages every few days with no response - including a phone call that wasn't answered last night. I am so scared he is going to push me away for good, we will be married 1 year next month.

[Croix]

Dear Melsyck219~

The first thing I have to say is how much I regret you have had to wait so long for an answer to your post. Please rest assured it is nothing to do with you, or the subject of your post. This system we use here to see and answer posts unfortunately does not always behave as we would like. We wish it did.

OK, so a belated welcome to the the Forum, writing that first post is something I'd imagine you found hard to do. It does help as there are all sorts of people here, all volunteers, who try to share their experience to smooth the path of others.

It can very hard in your position to understand what is happening and know what to do. There is no real guide or roadmap, and all sorts of thoughts can creep in, particularly wondering if you have done enough or missed something, feeling frustrated, even that the relationship might be over.

I can't answer all your questions, I can say letting the person you love know you will be there -a constant they can look to when needed - is most iportant. Also that they get competent medical help, which now has started.

Incidentally being placed on medication is not straightforward, quite apart from the fact different people react in differing ways, there is a lead-in time when temporary effects may appear and in your husband's case there is the use of alcohol which may negate med's useful effects, and in fact make matters worse.

I'd strongly suggest he tells his doctor of the alcohol use.

Wanting to be apart is hard to understand, particularly if you had a close relationship and were a team.

I can say when depression hit me hard it took up all my mind, it narrowed down my thoughts to a few seemingly insoluble problems and left no room in my mind or energy to think of other things - or people. The desire for being alone was very strong, and efforts by others to make contact and try to understand were regrettably met with resentment or impatience.

In time as treatment took hold - in my case- this passed.

As you have said you have both had hard things to deal with this year. You are in a stressful and worried position and have had to face those same things too without partner support.

May I ask what supports you have to get you through? A GP to talk with? Maybe a family member who cares and you can talk with. It makes a huge difference. My wife had her mum, and she could kept going partly because of that

I hope you come back -despite the delay -and we get to talk some more

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Melsyck, and I'm also very sorry as Croix has said for being late in picking up your thread.

I'm so very sorry about the misfortunes which would have been a great disappointment and although your husband may have seemed to cope with, underneath he may have been struggling, hiding or pretending on how he actually feels.

I was one who also self medicated with alcohol believing that it would fix all my problems, but unfortunately, all it does is numb the situation until the next day, when they all come back.

Working FIFO and only been married for a year would be very unsettling for both of you, especially when these unsettling incidences happened, simply because you wouldn't be able to console each other, especially if he is susceptible to depression.

The way he is behaving isn't his true self, so please don't be too upset, although that's easier said than done, but if he believes his psychologist can't help him, that's only going to make him close up.

If you can connect with him can I suggest you ask to get another referral to see another psych someone who he feels he can open up to.

I haven't really discussed his alcohol but please ask me any questions you'd like to know,

Take care.

Geoff.

[Jayne106]

Your situation sounds so familiar to mine and i feel your pain reading your story.

my husband has just moved out as he needs time and space. had told me he no longer loves me and left it children and I.

He told me he was happy 8 weeks ago... within this time he has moved out to a family member then leased a house for himself. sold some of our possessions together and split bills so he can do everything on his own.

He has had thoughts too hurt himself and an attempt and only last week saw a doctor for help.

i have told him i will be here when he needs me and I am really hoping both our husbands can get the help they need.

when my husband came to pick up his stuff this week what was left at our home of 19 years he asked to kiss and cuddle me.... as much ss of course I would do this all day as i love him i found it so confusing when he tells me he doesn't love me and needs to leave.

he also in the lead up to this had been drinking excessively and coming to bed very late with huge work pressure.

I should have seen the signs and I am ashamed and blame myself that I didn't.

I saw my GP yesterday and he has given me some medication to help me sleep as i can't and i don't eat as i am always so stressed about him especially now he is by himself and our children at the moment don't want anything to really do with him as he literally was not willing to go anything to try and work on our marriage. 2 counselling sessions and he didnt want to do anymore.

lots of people ... counsellors... doctors and close friends are telling me it is classic signs of depression but my husband won't tell me what happened when he saw the doctor so I really don't know.

i hope both our husbands seek the help they need.

it is so hard wanting to be able to help and support them during this when they push us away.

i will be thinking of you and i hope your husband gets to get some help with how he is feeling and ultimately come home.

i am heading to a counsellor today with my children to try and help the 3 of us cope with feeling left and not wanted.

[MO2TG]

Hi Melsyck2019
I read your post and wanted to respond.
I am recently in a similar position.
Its tough. We always worked as a team. Now I'm solo trying to hold it all together My support to you is only similar situation. It's hard I know my partner is unwell and I cannot help him until he helps himself.
The space you give them...Is hard to deal with. The worry that they never come back. That they grow more distant.
However for me I have to wait. He is my partner but he is also my friend. I want him to be well. There are no rules for these situations I try to be supportive . He knows I am there for him but I am not a doormat.
Look after yourself

[Croix]

Dear Melsyck2019, Jayne106 and MO2TG~

I have already said something abut how I felt, and I'd now like to go a little further in case it is of any comfort. I'd like to mention love.

When I was realy bad it was as if I stood outside myself, watching myself and the world though a pane of darkened glass, and not even understanding or really knowing how I felt or thought, except it was so hard.

I was separated from my emotions. I did not know who I loved - even if I remembered having loved them before - and was unsure I was capable of love, either then, or in the future.

At the same time I'd feel massively guilty for giving them so much grief.

Sometimes I'd be touched by an embrace and feel like crying, most times I'd withdraw.

There is no rhyme or reason to it, depression has its own rules and method of operation. As I said before, as I improved my normal loving nature returned.

Croix