Totally Lost

[Beefabear]

Hi everyone

I am hoping for some guidance or ideas on how to deal with my current situation.

Son is mid-teens and has ODD, seeing a psych, on low dose medication. Hubby has mild depression. They clash constantly to the point where our son tells my hubby to commit suicide because no one wants him in the house. This is absolutely not true. Son tells me I should leave my husband because he’s not good enough for me. Son also says he’s wanted to kill himself because of husband. Hubby is a ‘normal’ dad, no domestic violence, genuine, caring, sticks his neck out for our son no matter how ungrateful he is.

Hubby is of course hurt. I don’t understand how my son doesn’t see this. I stare in disbelief at what comes out of his mouth and tell him that his words are hurtful and is impacting his dads mental health. He just does not care and swears at me saying that I always side with hubby.

We are at our wits end and at a loss of how to deal with this. It is not a nice house to live in at the moment and I dread coming home.

Any thoughts or advice would be great.

BB

[Aaronsis]

Hello Beefabear

I am so very sorry that you and your family are living through ODD with your son, I have no idea how that must be to manage everyday, I can hear how frustrated and hurt you are but so very very brave and so loving in what I can only imagine to be a heartbreaking environment.

I know you know this but your son really does not come from a place of malice or hate, that he does have a mental illness and is not choosing this. It is so great to hear that you have a wonderful husband who is supportive and that you sound like you have a great relationship in such a hard time. Your son is so very lucky to have such support in his life.

I am by no means a professional but I am wondering if instead of pointing out the pain that he is causing when he says these things if infact you could change your response to him. You mentioned " I don’t understand how my son doesn’t see this. I stare in disbelief at what comes out of his mouth and tell him that his words are hurtful and is impacting his dads mental health. He just does not care and swears at me saying that I always side with hubby"..he doesn't see it(the pain) as his mental illness prevents him from doing so, so I am suggesting that saying these things to him about how much he is hurting his father and you too does not impact him....I am thinking that maybe in times that he says such things as "you should commit suicide" that you dont actually respond with words but with a hug. The act will go against everything his brain is expecting and also change the way you feel too. I am by no means a professional here but the power of human touch is undeniable and I believe that people who suffer ODD are not malice people filled with hate, that perhaps the power of being held can reassure him his is loved, that his illness is not who he is as a person, and it may also give both you and your husband time to hold your son, knowing he really does not mean these words.

I am so glad you do have some professional support and your son does too, are there perhaps some support groups that you can join with other parents who are dealing with this illness also, that might be really helpful to share and to hear how they are coping.

I hope to chat to you some more, huge hugs to you.

AS

[White_Rose]

Dear Beefabear

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to learn you are having such a difficult time with your son. May I check, you wrote he has ODD but I wonder if you mean OCD? If not can you tell us what ODD is please?

To some extend your son's behaviour is pretty normal for a teenager though not the stuff about wanting his dad to suicide. Have you spoken to your son's psych? Psychologist or psychiatrist? It may be useful to speak with him/her but I am unsure if this is something the psych would do. However it would be useful to get some ideas about managing this. The alternative is for you to see a psych and ask these questions.

Do you have any other children? Sorry to be asking all these questions, I'm trying to get a picture of your household. Is your son still at school? Do his teachers have any difficulty with him? I am thinking it would be a good idea to see if his behaviour is different at home to when he is elsewhere.

I am at a bit of a loss to make suggestions about managing this as I have not had much experience with anyone who has OCD. Your GP would be a good place to start to learn as much as possible about OCD and about managing it. Beyondblue has some information on OCD. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/ocd

Mary

[Beefabear]

Thank you so much for your suggestions. It is comforting to have great feedback.

Son has ODD which is Oppositional Defiance Disorder. It has definitely been challenging the last few years, moreso now that he’s a teenager.

We love him so much and he has a beautiful heart. We know this isn’t the kid we know.

Thank you again for your kind words

BB

[Beefabear]

Hi Mary

Thanks for your reply.

Yes he was suspended a few times this year for disrespect and fighting. He is the same everywhere we go.

I think speaking to his psych is a great idea. I will endeavour to chat to him before our next session.

Thank you again for your valuable suggestions.

BB

[Aaronsis]

Great to hear back from you Beefabear

You are so right in that this is not your son that you know, that is why I believe that treating this situation with love and my not inflating it with more hurtful words will perhaps help.

He is so very lucky to have you on his team and that you love him so very much.

Sending you my strength, I can hear how traumatic and tough this is, chat anytime, we are here for you and your family.

Hugs

AS