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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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elsewhere Burn out supporting someone in depression
  • replies: 6

My flatmate is struggling with long-term depression & major current life events incl terminal illness of a loved one. I'm v introverted, w high anxiety that's worse than it's ever been so I need a bit of quiet recharge time. We've been v good friends... View more

My flatmate is struggling with long-term depression & major current life events incl terminal illness of a loved one. I'm v introverted, w high anxiety that's worse than it's ever been so I need a bit of quiet recharge time. We've been v good friends for yrs, before we lived together often talked each other through mental health stuff. Now we live together, I've become his daily go to for emotional support, which I want to give. But he increasingly wants to spend several hrs most days talking through his feelings, doubts, etc. This might be ok, except these talks are mainly him repeating black&white negative thinking, and arguing hard against any other perspective. His first repsonse to any alternative view is to double down on his negative thought. For months I've been asking him to get counselling/see a psych bc of what's going on in his life. He's refused, says it's pointless, I'm the only one he can talk to, I get him through. I've explained that while ofc he can talk to me, I need time to recharge. If I ever say I just need to tap out for tonight after several hrs talk, he responds badly. Last wknd after talking through a very low day for 5 hrs, him (again) angrily mocking treatment & any alternative or positive idea I offered, I snapped & stormed out. He said he 'knows he puts too much on me' but still I'm the only one he can talk to. I say I want to support him & he can talk to me but this is why he also needs to speak to a professional who can guide him. He gets guilty about it, but keeps doing it. I'm starting to feel like I'm the only one he'll talk to bc I let him just unload all his feelings and then argue him out of them but I can't do it at this intense level every day. I know he's trying in a way but he won't get help. Even after we spoke about how I love & support him but can't fix it for him and can't do this all the time, he keeps pushing me for more, while arguing against anything I say. Its always overwhelmingly negative & takes a lot of emotional energy. If I ask to just pause after doing this several hours several nights/week, he comments how it makes him sad/guilty but tries to keep drawing me back into that convo. I DO get that he's struggling and want to help but I'm feeling panicky that I can't ever tap out. Feel awful that I snapped & scared I'm going to make him worse if I get more panicked & resentful, his response to my needing space is so self-critical. So not coping myself & feel I'm making it worse w my reaction. Help?

Morganafae I need help to support my ex
  • replies: 5

I don't have enough room here to say everything. my ex and I used to live next door to each other when we were kids (he was 3 and I was 10) so we've known each other for a very long time (except for the period after my family moved but it was like lo... View more

I don't have enough room here to say everything. my ex and I used to live next door to each other when we were kids (he was 3 and I was 10) so we've known each other for a very long time (except for the period after my family moved but it was like love at first sight when we saw each other again as adults). So when I say he's my ex, he's more than just my ex. 3yrs ago he became really depressed and we were still together then so I tried to help him. When he said he didn't want a relationship I still tried to support him. Then he said he didn't think him saying that would mean we would break up. So we got back together but his depression got worse and he ended up using drugs, then he dumped me saying he didn't want to drag me down with him. I still tried to help him for 18 months after that. I tried to convince him to get help for the drugs and the depression, and I offered to go with him to his appointments. I was frustrated and it was starting to take a toll on me and I told him he had to get help because I didn't think I could stick around much longer for someone who was self destructing and not getting help. He told me he always knew I would walk away. That made me feel bad. I tried to help him for a few more months but he started saying some really hurtful things and it started really getting me down. So I gave him some space but still kept checking in on him. A year ago I realised I had to leave him alone entirely because I couldn't do anything for him. I didn't speak to him for a few months but then I heard he was in hospital. He could have died, so I messaged because I couldn't go to the hospital to see him, but I heard nothing from him until August when he emailed me saying he was getting clean and was seeing a therapist. He said he loves me and wants us to try again when he was better. I agreed, told him we would need therapy together. he was supposed to come see me but he didn't, instead he went to another state for a job. I wasn't worried about it because I thought the job would be good for him. The problem is he goes through these periods of saying nothing. He doesn't communicate. I need him to tell me when he's depressed because I can't see it in another state. A simple note so I don't worry. I had a two month period of not a single word from him. Then a few weeks ago he said he wants us to be together and we talked fine for a few days but now we're back to silence again. I'm so frustrated. I never know what's going on or how to help.

Nico_B Going At Your Own Gentle Pace
  • replies: 2

Hi all, Below is the name of an article that I just read and enjoyed. Although a slightly provocative headline, I see it as having a balanced approach and reasonable outlook for how to face the coming weeks and months. The key takeaway for me is to: ... View more

Hi all, Below is the name of an article that I just read and enjoyed. Although a slightly provocative headline, I see it as having a balanced approach and reasonable outlook for how to face the coming weeks and months. The key takeaway for me is to: remember to be gentle with ourselves and with each other right now. Everyone is different, we all process things differently and we're all doing the best we can. "Why You Should Ignore All That Coronavirus-Inspired Productivity Pressure" by Aisha S. Ahmad on Chronicle website. Enjoy! Nico

Carer07 Another Newbie to the Beyond Blue Community
  • replies: 16

Hi All, I have been reading a couple threads and have seen some positive and supportive responses (I had no doubts as to expect this). A little about my situation: I have been helping in supporting my mother whom suffers major depression (for 35+ yea... View more

Hi All, I have been reading a couple threads and have seen some positive and supportive responses (I had no doubts as to expect this). A little about my situation: I have been helping in supporting my mother whom suffers major depression (for 35+ years), over the couple years I have been trying to support my mum in developing her self-worth and encouraging her to want to care for her health & wellbeing and to want to find enjoyment in life as she often feels she has nothing worth living for. She has extremely low self-esteem, confidence, consideration of herself, and has suicidal thoughts (although swears that she would not commit suicide after two of my cousins doing so). She struggles to function in every day life, unable to manage her finances well, physical self-care, house maintenance etc. My mum has just had a support plan approved by NDIS, which I am excited about. I am still worried however of my mother's struggle to commit to change as this has been very difficult when trying to help her establish good habits that'll make her life easier. The fact that she has come to the point where she doesn't want to feel miserable every day is amazing but it is very difficult helping to support her from that to her taking the actions to change and to keep moving forward. I have older siblings that help to support her as well although, as they have more (unsuccessful) experience with trying to help mum in the past they do not hold much expectation or hope/belief that she will make anything really better of herself other than just function. I have found it difficult to stay positive and hopeful for mum against this stark view which may be realistic of the situation but, nevertheless depressing (and that they think me being naive and having too high an expectation). I believe that like anyone else, my mum deserves to enjoy her life and it's never too late for that and I want to support and encourage this. I hope to be able to connect with others and be able to share these kind of experiences/feelings to help lessen the sense of loneliness, helplessness and days (like today) when I am low on hope that mum wants to change enough to commit. Thanks for reading, I look forward to hearing from you.

elephant_07 Friend who is depressed, relapsed, hidden things etc.
  • replies: 6

Sorry the title of this thread isn't great. My questions seem to be a part of many threads, but here goes. My friend about 2-years ago was depressed. They stopped going to university, but they didn't tell anyone about this. They would pretend to thei... View more

Sorry the title of this thread isn't great. My questions seem to be a part of many threads, but here goes. My friend about 2-years ago was depressed. They stopped going to university, but they didn't tell anyone about this. They would pretend to their partner at the time and friends (they lived together) that they were going to uni, make stories up of what they did in the day etc. This went on for about a month or two, until the partner found out. My friend didn't say much about it at all and to this day I still feel like I no little about it. Anyway, they went to see a GP and were provided some medication. My friend and their partner eventually split, my friend never told me about this. It required their partner to notify me. My friend didn't tell anyone or acknowledge this happened, even though they knew I at least knew. This went of for a month and would have longer, but I eventually told our friends. Fast forward, the pretty much identical situation happens again. My friend quits uni and work and tells no one. I saw the signs and chatted to another friend, we decided I was probably reading too much into things. I also asked my friend and they said things were good. I found out through another friend who worked at the same place as my friend that they had quit. Again, my friends partner did not know this until I chatted with them. My friend was hiding the fact they had quit their job again. So my questions are what can myself and his current partner do? Can we go with my friend to their GP sessions (cause we don't really know much about it all) ? They lie and pretend like nothing is happening (is this what people with depression do? My friend may have more then depression but we don't know!

Ghr29 Is my partner depressed?
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone! My partner of 9 years has recently come to me and said he is no longer happy in our relationship. This come as a total shock to myself as we never fight/ argue (sometimes bicker) and things have always been good or so I thought. We have ... View more

Hi everyone! My partner of 9 years has recently come to me and said he is no longer happy in our relationship. This come as a total shock to myself as we never fight/ argue (sometimes bicker) and things have always been good or so I thought. We have a 3 year old son also. He is saying he loves me and will always love me and care for me etc but just isn't happy anymore? He has undiagnosed sleep apnea which he refuses to do anything about so is forever tired. I feel like this has contributed to how he is feeling but I'm wondering if he could also be depressed? He has lost interest in things he enjoyed doing, everyone around him frustrates him including close friends.. He is going through a stressful situation at work (prior to the covid 19 pandemic) and am wondering if maybe everything has become to much for him and I am taking the brunt of it? I have suspected that he may have depression for the past few years. Starting with a job that was extremely stressful. Once he resigned from this position he was a different person. Then he slowly slipped back to his old self when our car blew up. He drove a cheap car for a few months and then we got him a new car as he said this was making him down. Once we got the new car things were good again for a little while. Now he is saying that everything he thought was the reason behind his depressed feelings wasn't and that it must be our relationship. Could he have depression? Or does it sound like maybe our relationship has taken a toll on his mental health? Sorry I know there are so many parts to my question!! Thanks!

Cloud_like Managing grief & setting boundaries
  • replies: 3

Hello everyone i have a son 21 away at uni who has ADHD depression anxiety & PTSD. Yes quite a bit to cope with & he has always been a sensitive person so I have tried to be as supportive as possible as he has a difficult relationship with his father... View more

Hello everyone i have a son 21 away at uni who has ADHD depression anxiety & PTSD. Yes quite a bit to cope with & he has always been a sensitive person so I have tried to be as supportive as possible as he has a difficult relationship with his father who was very emotionally abusive to him in teenage years & has untreated. ptsd & substance use issues. i have tried too hard i think & always been available to my so n & always given him money whenever he asked but now realise that wasn’t helpful to either of us & he spent a lot of last year drinking alcohol & even possible substance use plus cigarette smoking - still does. Guess I need tips about putting boundaries in as I find it incredibly difficult. There’s some guilt in me that I left his father & didn’t realise the emotional abuse that was going on. However I have been ‘loving too much’ or being a ‘walk over’ . Am very sweet & nurturing by nature so saying ‘no’ isn’t easy . Any ideas? Thank you all xx a

Thxlcc Mum is lashing out
  • replies: 1

Hi I am after advice. My.mum has always been a bit hard for people to deal with and has made some pretty outrageous accusations over the years. But now she is in her 80s it's like someone has opened the floodgates. She has no threshold and is making ... View more

Hi I am after advice. My.mum has always been a bit hard for people to deal with and has made some pretty outrageous accusations over the years. But now she is in her 80s it's like someone has opened the floodgates. She has no threshold and is making more and more irrational accusations about family members I am the only daughter and recently she has turned on me. It is relentless If I respond to it she tries to get into an argument if I go along with it she just moves onto another accusation. If I ignore her she gs upset because I am ignoring her. If I try to show her the facts it doesn't even register. No matter how clear it is she is lying she just doesn't register. I believe she truly believes this stuff. I believe the floodgates opened after she had a general anaesthetic a few years ago. She has had a couple more operations since and her behavior really deteriorates each time. Any advice on how to deal with this? I'm frightened what she is capable of.

Katy99 Need help with my partner going behind my back
  • replies: 2

Last night I found out my partner who has Manic depression had downloaded a dating app he didn’t take it further as far as I know however I can’t help but feel betrayed. We didn’t get to have a good chat before work today and I am feeling really worr... View more

Last night I found out my partner who has Manic depression had downloaded a dating app he didn’t take it further as far as I know however I can’t help but feel betrayed. We didn’t get to have a good chat before work today and I am feeling really worried and upset over it all, I have said tonight we need to talk it over and figure out what triggered him to do this. He opened up last night and said that he switched his medication the last couple of days as he was getting rashes I have told him he must go to the mental healthy team today to talk this through with them. From my side I don’t know what to do half of me says to stay and the other half says to leave him. I just really need some advice

Kaybee01 I need help, before I walk away
  • replies: 4

My partner has depression. It has been 3 long years of this. We have 5 children living with us, including a baby and I am exhausted from carrying us physically, emotionally, financially and mentally. i am a wreck. He refuses help. Refuses to get out ... View more

My partner has depression. It has been 3 long years of this. We have 5 children living with us, including a baby and I am exhausted from carrying us physically, emotionally, financially and mentally. i am a wreck. He refuses help. Refuses to get out of bed. When we’ve seen the doctors he’s listened to then say he needs to get up and push through. He simply refuses. the mental and physical load j am carrying, and have been for 2 years or more is so heavy and I’m about to break. we are a blended family, and he won’t leave to give me space and stay at his parents. If I leave, I have to get my own place and there’s no going back as my kids won’t forgive. ive fried a psychologist, I’ve tried getting him medication. I’ve tried letting him sleep. Tried forcing him up. Tried getting him out of town. Tried using the kids to make him happy. i know it’s depression but it’s made him so selfish and I just don’t know how to keep this up. How to help someone who won’t help themself?