Dealing with a spouse that has OCD/ Autism Spectrum Disorder

[selflove1]

Hi All,

I have not done one of these before but I thought that I will give it a try.

I believe my boyfriend has undiagnosed Autism Spectrum Disorder. He does definitely have OCD and it can be challenging at times. I don't know if I should or how to bring it up with him. I don't want to make things worse I just need help to better understand ways to deal with it.

We have had a lot of issues around some of his characteristics and I hate to admit it but I get soo frustrated. I know it is not his fault, I feel so horrible when I get mad at him. He is such a beautiful loving person, will do anything for me and 100% devoted. I find myself getting so angry and I just get why doesn't he understand the problem. He truly doesn't understand or pick up the signs that I am starting to get frustrated until its too late and he just thinks it had come out of nowhere. But anyways I am not here to vent I need help.

I really want some advice on how to better handle situations that will allow him to perhaps have less agitated and for me, no get frustrated and deescalate the situation.

Some off the characteristics are:

- He has to shop at the same supermarket and if they don't have what he needs or they are closed he can't cope. He gets very stressed and can't see another solution. I would think it's fine I will get another brand or go somewhere else. But that is not the case for him he gets angry and can't think straight.

-Things that are said it taken literally. I might say I feel like chicken tonight then later I change my mind to pizza. Or we do a rough plan of weekly meals then it changes and he is super stressed about it. response "but this is what we were doing what are we going to do now?" Or if we make plans and the weather doesn't allow it.

- Following instructions - I am a rough and ready kind of person. I wack it together and hope for the best and laugh about it if it doesn't turn out. That might be cooking, building something or planting veggies whatever it is and he is the opposite. He has to read the instructions and follow them to the exact detail. I guess he also needs to research things and know everything there is to know about it and almost be an expert. Sometimes it can come across to people that he is a know it all and big shot but I know that is not the case.

Well, that is just a few. I am hoping people won't judge me I really just want to support him and find a way for us to be happy with no conflict.

Any advice is welcome.

Thanks,

S

[missep123]

Hi selflove√,

Thank you for sharing. What I can tell from your post is that you are a patient and empathetic person. You really do try to understand your boyfriend's behaviour. Something a lot of people wouldn't do!

You are totally allowed to feel frustrated. It can be really challenging when we care about someone so much and give our all for them. So your feelings are completely valid.

May I ask, has your boyfriend seen a health professional before, for example a psychologist?

[eight]

S i dont particularly know why you have an entire ass square root in your username but i Respect

i think... asking someone if they're autistic especially coming from a messenger who's not really needs to be done carefully. do your research and if youre Sure that's autism you still want to consider would this help him if you said it? is he particularly struggling or would he lash out at the idea (remember your tact should be important. if you bring it up like something grave and wrong you're not going to get a good reaction.)

also if you can work on those problems individually i'd say its edging more unnecessary and invasive to ask if he's autistic but if this is like, an ongoing pattern affecting most parts of him and your relationship then i'd say the talk could work. ask him i think you could be autistic and list these things that you think are autistic traits while sincerely repeating you dont think less of him for it

i was focusing more on how to talk about him but re: the supermarket thing. autistic people have sensory issues (what this means is that they can't filter everything coming in the way neurotypical brains do so the same sounds, light, tastes, etc are a lot more intense for them) and it might be a specific brand of food etc doesnt agitate him as much as another brand. i once tried explaining something like it back when i didnt have the vocabulary for it and i got called insane so uh. thats what sensory issues are like.

sure i feel how hes not like your shoot first kind of mindset but i dont know if its strictly an autism thing but i do know hyperfocusing on something and having to learn a lot is something common for autistics. special interests they're called. even if it isnt an interest you might need to break it down for him because autistic people struggle with vagueness. it might not be your style but it can be paralysing for him as you've written if you want him to do things w you

[selflove1]

Hi,

Thank you for your comment.
I am trying to understand and I don’t want to confront him.

Not that I am aware. But his mother is similar.

[selflove1]

Hi,

Thank you, a lot of that makes sense. I feel like he has some traits but on the boarder.

I really don’t have the heart to say or ask him about it.

I will do some research.

🙂