Neighbourly help

[Comforteater]

I am looking for some advice on how best can try and help someone that I don’t know very well. Some background, my neighbour and his dog moved in around 12-18 months ago. He set up the garden nicely with some lovely plants pots, a veg garden, furniture the BBQ a fire pit etc etc. (we can see straight in!). All we really know about him is that he was successful in the music industry, his career faded and has dropped off. He’s marriage broke down, he doesn’t have any children and I’m not aware of family around or being close by. Over time, particularly the last 6 months or so, the house has gone into severe disrepair. We’re pretty sure he drinks heavily and daily. We’ve often had neighbourly chats in the past but he’s no longer outside very often and I find it hard to find a way to get something personal in a short conversation like asking are you ok. My husband has his number and reached out to him via text to see if he was ok and needed anything. He seems to appreciate the check in but always says he’s ok. I realise I must sound like a curtain twitching nosey neighbour here but there are months of many things that have happened that are hard for me to condense and explain why I am here. Just to mention a few…short conversations with him sharing stories of living life on the edge, telling us how he wants to ‘go out’, daily booze deliveries, hearing him throw up every day, hearing the bottles chink in the bin every few hours, no more guitar playing or regular/weekly singing sessions and seeing what was once a cared for house and garden fall into disrepair. Pre Covid lockdown, we'd rarely see him go out anymore or have any visitors. As far as I can tell his dog does have food, shelter and water. It might be nothing but I thought these were signs of someone needing help. Any advice on different options on how I can reach out would be greatly appreciated. I understand someone might not want help but I can’t sit back and do nothing.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Comforteater,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

Sometimes, maybe even often, it's so easy to answer the question of "How are you" with a quick "I'm good thanks" reply, when really, things aren't good at all. The answer is more of a 'reflex' than an actual thought out reply or response.

When I was in early recovery from drinking and the older sober members asked me how I was, they would ask me twice. The first time because they knew they would get the 'automated' reflexive reply, and then they would ask me again, but they'd add a word or two: really. They'd say "So how are you really doing?" And if I still said 'good' even though they could clearly see I wasn't doing so 'good', they would then gently confront me about it, and say something like 'You don't actually look all that great?' or 'why the frown then?' or 'You seem a bit sad/angry lately? Wanna talk about it?' And the persistence paid off. It showed that they cared enough to allow me to open up to them and trust them. It showed me that people wanted to help me far more than I had ever realised, and that I was not in fact the 'lost cause' that I had thought I was.They were gentle, but honest with me at the same time.

Perhaps you could ask him the 'Are you okay' question a couple of times, add the word 'really' into the question, and then if he insists on saying his okay, just gently tell him of your observations, and that you are concerned and would like to offer to help, IF he would like some help. If he says no, then leave it at that, and just remind him that if he changes his mind, that you are only the 'next door' away!

People are often reluctant to ask for help. Us prideful humans like to think we can manage everything ourselves. But sometimes, life can get a but 'curvy' and throw us off the path and we then need help in asking for help.

You sound like a very caring neighbour. It's good to know that there are good, and caring people in the world.

I do hope this helps a little? Maybe you would like to try the above tactic? If so, let me know how it goes, yeah?

Take care, I'll be thinking of you and your neigbour. xo

[Comforteater]

Thank you! That sounds like a simple and effective solution. I'm pretty shy but i'll give it a go. At least the shyness makes me a good listener 🙂

I agree a good option too is that if he insists he's ok, assure him we are here next door anytime. I don't expect to solve someone's problems (or maybe there's no problems at all and he's living how he chooses) but I'd at least I like to think that I'd have the same or similar support, should I ever need. Who knows, he may already be seeking support and assistance.