I need help to support my ex

[Morganafae]

I don't have enough room here to say everything. my ex and I used to live next door to each other when we were kids (he was 3 and I was 10) so we've known each other for a very long time (except for the period after my family moved but it was like love at first sight when we saw each other again as adults). So when I say he's my ex, he's more than just my ex. 

3yrs ago he became really depressed and we were still together then so I tried to help him. When he said he didn't want a relationship I still tried to support him. Then he said he didn't think him saying that would mean we would break up. So we got back together but his depression got worse and he ended up using drugs, then he dumped me saying he didn't want to drag me down with him. I still tried to help him for 18 months after that. I tried to convince him to get help for the drugs and the depression, and I offered to go with him to his appointments. I was frustrated and it was starting to take a toll on me and I told him he had to get help because I didn't think I could stick around much longer for someone who was self destructing and not getting help. He told me he always knew I would walk away. That made me feel bad. I tried to help him for a few more months but he started saying some really hurtful things and it started really getting me down. So I gave him some space but still kept checking in on him. A year ago I realised I had to leave him alone entirely because I couldn't do anything for him. I didn't speak to him for a few months but then I heard he was in hospital. He could have died, so I messaged because I couldn't go to the hospital to see him, but I heard nothing from him until August when he emailed me saying he was getting clean and was seeing a therapist. He said he loves me and wants us to try again when he was better. I agreed, told him we would need therapy together. he was supposed to come see me but he didn't, instead he went to another state for a job. I wasn't worried about it because I thought the job would be good for him. 

The problem is he goes through these periods of saying nothing. He doesn't communicate. I need him to tell me when he's depressed because I can't see it in another state. A simple note so I don't worry. I had a two month period of not a single word from him. Then a few weeks ago he said he wants us to be together and we talked fine for a few days but now we're back to silence again. I'm so frustrated. I never know what's going on or how to help.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Morganafae,

I understand your desire to be with this guy and your love for him. You seem like a very switched on lady and he sounds like he is really trying to battle his demons.

Maybe there is a future for you both, if he can do his part. It sounds like you have very little input into his life (him moving interstate without sounding you out) and in any serious relationship, communication is the key.

I understand what he may be trying to do for his own future but in these days of mobile phones, Skype, Viber, emails and the like, surely regular contact is possible. (Hell, I'm over fifty and I use all of those things.) 

I wonder that if he cannot sustain communication while he does his thing, how would he communicate with you if you lived together?

Would he dump you again if you insisted on regular contact? If he refused to keep in regular contact, would that be okay with you as a normal part of what you have (or haven't)?

I am keen to hear what you have to say and respect your efforts to stand by him, but bridges must be built from both sides.

Kind regards, John. 

[Morganafae]

I've told him he needs to do better at communicating with me because I can't know what's going on if he doesn't say anything and it just leaves me confused. I also have my own insecurities and I've explained to him that I need clear communication but so far I'm not getting that.

i know he has trouble telling me things. He draws things though. He drew me a picture when he was in therapy last year and it made me cry. There's actually a few pics where I'm an angel either listening or holding him and he's crying. 

 his therapist told him he shouldn't have contact with me yet but that was in August, so he didn't speak to me for a week because of what his therapist said. I asked him questions and he answered them but then he said he had to apologize for telling me because his therapist told him not to dump his problems on me. So then there were another three weeks of silence. 

He says he's not good enough for me (I never said that), and he says he doesn't know how he's supposed to stand beside me when I'm strong and a bunch of other stuff and he's just "me". His family (mostly his brother and mother) say I'm not good enough for him, he says he's not good enough for me and his friends are always making fun of me for being stupid and sticking by him. 

he told me we would go camping, having a weekend away to reconnect, and all this other stuff when he came home but then he didn't come home  so we haven't had a chance to talk face to face which is what I really need. I don't know if he can hear me when I say that or not but it's just not happening. People can say anything over a phone and you can't read body language via a phone. 

I'm confused but mostly because I don't understand depression and I don't understand how hard it is for him. 

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Morganafae,

I really think you need to talk to someone professional about your feelings.

You have pointed out that his actions contradict his words and for some reason his family think the person that has stood by him is not good enough to be with him. It is like you can see the reality but do not want to accept it.

Good relationships come from a position of roughly equal power, mutual respect and a fair bit of love. You do not have any of these things and it is not your role to sign up with someone that clearly needs significant support yet is reluctant to accept it. (Even if he was, it is a big ask, anyway.)

Will you please consider putting your own health first and talking with someone professional? Many people that try to rescue people with mental health issues (and I tried it for seven years) end up deteriorating and less able to cope with both the situation and their own life outside of it.

I am keen to hear back from you.

Kind regards, John.

P.S. In case you are wondering, my priority in support is you. You have reached out for support. His choice to do his own thing will have consequences but you cannot change that.

[Morganafae]

Maybe I dhould.

the reason his mother doesn't think I'm good enough is because of religion. I'm a vegan and she tried to convert me to her religion and told me we have to eat meat because it says so in the Bible. I wouldn't accept that. And I don't think she will see anyone as good enough for her son anyway. 

His brother, I think, was more of a jealousy thing. I used to look after him when he was a baby, I helped teach him to walk, I was always giving him his bottle, changing his nappies etc. when I asked him if he was jealous of my relationship with his brother, either because he felt his brother was taking me away from him, or because he thought I was taking his brother away from him, he said he wasn't jealous. 

Mine of his sisters told him on the phone (I could hear her) that he should dump me because he wasn't good enough for me. Another sister didn't have an opinion and another sister was happy for us as was his dad. 

It was really his brother and his friend that caused problems for us but the friend committed suicide in July.

 i don't think I'm trying to rescue him. 

[Morganafae]

So, it’s been 5 years now since i posted.
i went overseas and i met someone else, but i’ve tried to maintain contact with my ex. We would usually talk once a month. We were at least friends.
i’ve tried to stick by him. He usually says things like “nobody sticks around, everyone leaves” when i’ve been here for 9 years now. It’s hurtful because you go through hell trying to support someone and be their friend just to have them throw it back in your face and then claim nobody is there for them. Really hard.

we used to talk at least once a month. But then in november he told me he’d had such a terrible life, that he didnt choose to be born into this world and he was going to take himself out of it. I knew what he was saying. I got angry with him because my life hasn’t been easy either, and it was two weeks since the anniversary of my nephew’s suicide and he knew what my nephew’s death had done to me. Maybe i wasn’t a very good friend, but i couldn’t handle him talking that way. I already lost too many people in my life. Being Aboriginal i lose friend’s and family all the time, especially to suicide. I was so angry i couldn’t talk to him anymore. I missed him and it was hard, but i can’t keep losing people so i just had to let him go.

yeah ok i wasn’t a good friend. I should have listened and i should have tried to help him. But i’ve been trying to help him for 9 years.
yesterday was his birthday so i went to message him and his facebook has been deleted. Now i have no way to contact him and i don’t even know if he’s ok.