Friend who is depressed, relapsed, hidden things etc.

[elephant_07]

Sorry the title of this thread isn't great. My questions seem to be a part of many threads, but here goes. My friend about 2-years ago was depressed. They stopped going to university, but they didn't tell anyone about this. They would pretend to their partner at the time and friends (they lived together) that they were going to uni, make stories up of what they did in the day etc. This went on for about a month or two, until the partner found out. My friend didn't say much about it at all and to this day I still feel like I no little about it. Anyway, they went to see a GP and were provided some medication. My friend and their partner eventually split, my friend never told me about this. It required their partner to notify me. My friend didn't tell anyone or acknowledge this happened, even though they knew I at least knew. This went of for a month and would have longer, but I eventually told our friends. Fast forward, the pretty much identical situation happens again. My friend quits uni and work and tells no one. I saw the signs and chatted to another friend, we decided I was probably reading too much into things. I also asked my friend and they said things were good. I found out through another friend who worked at the same place as my friend that they had quit. Again, my friends partner did not know this until I chatted with them. My friend was hiding the fact they had quit their job again.

So my questions are what can myself and his current partner do? Can we go with my friend to their GP sessions (cause we don't really know much about it all) ? They lie and pretend like nothing is happening (is this what people with depression do? My friend may have more then depression but we don't know!

[Guest_4643]

Hi elephant_07, welcome to the forums.

I'm not too sure what you can do unfortunately but I just wanted to say I'm sorry your friend is struggling a lot. Thank you for being a good, caring, supportive friend to them though, I'm sure they appreciate it.

Take care, sorry I can't be of much help.

Tayla

[VitteHullu]

Hey elephant,

sadly, this is rather “typical behaviour” of depression - isolation, social withdrawal, person “going into their cave”, etc - and a lot of people don’t want to “admit” they “have issues” (which is a “general” one for people with MH “issues” of all “types”.)

Sadly, the person has to “recognise” they have an “issue” and “want help” to “get better”, but that doesn’t mean you can’t “help” - when I was in a “bad way”, for example, people knew I was at home, and since I’d make ever excuse under the sun to “stay in”, they’d just “drop in” (call a few minutes ahead, but no more than 5), that they they can’t “avoid” you. Also, if you know things they “enjoy” (types of tv/movies/games/etc), bring a DVD (even a deck of cards for a card game), and just “hang out” and chat for a while (this “breaks” the “self-isolation”, and is an”general” “feel-good”). Compliments also “help” (breaks the “negative thought cycle”). Try to avoid “asking probing questions”, but when you leave, a pat on the back and saying “I’m here for you bro” is surprisingly “effective” (because in their mind, they it is not “uncommon” to not “think” they are “worthless”/“unwanted (that’s why that “question” is on all the “assessment forms” used by professionals). If they like a certain food, bring some over, and try talk about anything they’re “into”, but try “avoiding” asking “flat-out” “are you ok?” (dare say you already know the answer, and they’ll say “fine”, even though it’s not “true”).

Other than that, all you can do is “be a support” until they “want to get help”, and “going in” with them is also “helpful” (sometimes “helps” to write a “note”, put it in an envelope, and slip it to the doctor “on the side” with things you’ve “noticed” (as they may not be “totally truthful” with the doc, helps them know the g-o), but until THEY “want help”, all you can do (sadly) is “keep an eye on them” (also, check for signs of substance abuse, any “new strange injuries (“sign” of “self-harm” - if that starts, sadly, may have to call a doctor on them (it’s for their own good, because that’s a real “bad sign”, and means they’re in a “bad way”, but that’s a “last resort”)

Best of luck with it all, and as much as it’s “hard” sometimes to “be friends” with someone with MH “issues”, just “being there for them” can help “break” their negative “thought cycle” (when people “pull away”, it just “re-enforces” the whole “I’m useless/worthless/no-one wants to be around me” thought cycle). Good luck

[Guest_4643]

I wish I had people that were supportive, especially in person. I used to have an Auntie (one of Dad's sisters) who I was close to but then she blocked me for no reason on Christmas Day because she was bragging of how much of a good time she was having while I was miserable and whatnot, but she has other family members with mental illnesses and cares about them, sigh.

[therising]

Hi elephant_07

I want to start by saying how lucky your friend is to have you in their life. Sounds like you want to be a positive guide and support for them.

Having experienced life both inside and outside of depression, I can tell you that the difference in mindset can be extreme. For example, if someone was to make the statement 'You shouldn't have quit your job', for a non depressed person the response may be 'You may be right but, in the end, I decided it had to be done. I'm planning on find a new one. No stress!' With some positive chemistry surging around in the brain, a bright outlook and high self esteem, life goes on. For someone experiencing a depression, the statement can be deeply felt as a severe criticism and an expression of yet another failure of theirs. Keeping things to yourself is a way of avoiding criticism and possibly a drop further into the depression. No one in a depression wants to feel lower than what they already do. It can be easier to lie rather than face a sense of soul destroying degradation.

You could say that one of the greatest challenges your friend faces is to be honest. For them to be honest will require careful support and guidance from key folk around them. For example, if they were honest preceding leaving uni, they may have revealed 'I'm struggling with staying. I can't continue'. Careful support may lead to 'Why do you feel like you're struggling? Do you feel like there's anything that could possibly make a difference to you staying?' If the answer was a flat out 'If I stay, I know I will fall apart, without a doubt', then the solution may be to leave and focus on improving mental well being for the time. They would want to be listened to and guided, not told 'You have to stay. What else are you going to do? Your parents have paid all this money!' and so on.

Most of us have struggled with honesty at some point in our life, where we've weighed up how harshly we're going to be judged or punished. It is much easier to be honest when there is no judgement or punishment.

I'm wondering if it would make some difference to your friend if you were to say 'I want to be someone who makes a positive difference in your life. I am someone who won't criticise/judge. I want to support you and offer a listening ear, an open mind and some guidance when you need it. We'll brainstorm together in positive ways, seeking solutions'. If your friend has faced much judgement growing up, this will be very different for them.

Take care 🙂

[elephant_07]

Hi therising

Thank-you for the reply. It makes a lot more sense to me now as to why my friend didn't tell myself or others about uni, job etc. We've never thought they shouldn't have quit this or stopped, everyones situation is different. It was more it came out of the blue etc. to us. I think your point about the facing judgement growing up is very true, not from friends (IMO), but very much from parents! Thanks for the advice, it's very much appreciated.

[elephant_07]

Hi VitteHullu

The advice on how to go about saying things is really helpful. I'm sometimes not great with phrasing what I want to say and then wish I could rephrase what I said! Going over to there place is pretty much impossible with the current events in Australia (and the world). When I am able to see them in person, if my friend gets so nervous/anxious etc. that I'm dropping in to see them and says don't, How should I go about that? Did your friends just stay outside or go away etc.

With not being able to see them face to face, I've just been messaging and letting my friend know what I've been doing and talking about stuff we normally/use to talk about. They haven't replied for a couple of weeks. I said I'd keep messaging them every week to touch base, and if they want to reply to them that's also cool. Did this helo when you were going through things? I will definitely take the advice from everyone and share it with my friends partner.