My wife suffers depression and is nasty to me.

[boxhead]

Hi everyone I need to say that I love my wife, but its getting to the stage where I am wondering it it worth my own happiness, health and mental well being. I have a 7 year old daughter to consider as well as my comfortable life I have worked hard all my life and will more than likely lose to her if we ever split. I am not a quitter, I am willing and do support her, she has absolutely no money worries at all, I pay for everything, house luxury car and utilities, the lot. She just left her 2 day a week job because it was making her depressed and sick. I do 9 hours a day including a half day Saturday to keep my business going, all that is expected from her is to pick up and drop off our daughter from school and be a mother. What has happened over the years is we have drifted apart, communication has broken down.  All I get from her in any discussion is negativity, how I dont spend enough time with her and our daughter, how I tune out and surf the net on the laptop instead of talking.  When I get told about all the things I do wrong it is easier to just shut up then to argue. Heaven forbid if was to argue back. If there is a worse possible way to take something then that is the way she takes it. I never judge her or demand anything from her yet if I make a comment like "gee that chicken you cooked was spicy" she would reply with something along the lines "I know its not good enough for you, or I cant ever get any thing right for you.  I am often wondering "where did that come from". She is cranky and moody, she screams at our daughter and carries on about anything that is asked of her. Today I tried to make a bit of fun and she came at me with a water bottle  I put my hands over my face, and she hit me accross the stomach. I have never hit her, I have never started a physical fight with anyone. I could see hatred in her eyes. When I met her I was her instructor/helper at a ballroom dance studio with I had been attending for a few years, I was fit, happy and successful because after some lows in my life I chose to be that way. Now I am happiest at work doing my thing, I have no close friends anymore, dont want to go anywhere, I am unfit and I am probably mildly depressed myself. She has had a stint in hospital to change meds recently (5 weeks) Do you think she is Just depressed, or with the nasty moody attitude do you think there is more to it?  Am I doing anything wrong ? As soon as I try to get close to her I get pushed away.  

[JessF]

Hello boxhead, no matter how ill your wife is, physical abuse (or emotional abuse for that matter) is not acceptable under any circumstance, and boundaries need to be set. Perhaps because you have been with your wife for so long you are unable to see how serious things have gotten, this goes far beyond being 'just depressed'.  

Partners need suppot when living with someone who is long-term mentally unwell, so regardless of whether you feel you may be depressed in a medical sense, I think it would be a good idea for you to seek some support from a psychologist, but ideally it may be worth the two of you having a joint session to work out things in your marriage; it sounds like there may well be some underlying resentment and frustration (understandable) and if it doesn't get out in the open then things will only get worse from here I'm afraid.  How old is your daughter?

[AGrace]

Hi boxhead (?)

Welcome to the forums. We get a lot of threads from carers, so you're not alone.

I suffer from a variety of mental illnesses and I've hit rock bottom a number of times. I can only imagine the worry, fear, resentment, frustration, and loneliness my partner has had to endure. So I completely get where you are coming from, it's a tough job and I don't think enough credit is given to those who love people with a mental illness.

I want to start by saying whether it's depression or something else, you're wife is emotionally unwell. It can be really difficult to see the world through the eyes of someone with ill mental health. They can't think rationally, logically, or practically, this is not by choice. It can be lonely, scary, ruin your self worth, resilience and tolerance, and put you in a place we're you feel raw, exposed, and unlovable. It's possible that the only way that your wife is able to cope with how she thinks and feels is to be defensive.

As you know, it's not easy to speak with someone who is defensive. Having said that communication is something that you will both need to work on together. It's not useful to take the "well it's easier if I shut up" route, and likewise it's not helpful for your wife to become sensitive to everything you say. 

I'm assuming that you're wife is seeing a Psychiatrist/Psychologist given the scenario you mentioned with her meds. Have you tried telling her that you love her and that you appreciate every thing she does for you and your family? This positive reassurance is important (don't forget she feels worthless). You could then let her know how important your relationship and your family is and because of this you'd like to get some support to help support her. You could offer to go to an appointment with her, or ask if she'd prefer you to see someone separate.

I know it's really difficult to be the one who feels like they're working hard, and making sacrifices. My partner is in a similar predicament. You also need to take time out for yourself, even if to go to the gym once a week, go for a bike ride, or join a walking group. You need time to refresh yourself. I also wonder whether you can lower your expectations of her for a little while. I know you see it as all she has to do is school drop offs and be a mum. From her perspective she struggles just to have a shower each day, so she may feel that she cant meet your expectations.

I hope some of this is helpful. Let us know your thoughts.

AG

[geoff]

dear Boxhead, I can totally sympathise with you because my wife was exactly the same and when I was already in depression but wearing a fake mask, she would tell me off or criticise me for no apparent reason.

When I said that we should talk, she said 'no Geoff you have to change'.

We are now divorced but we still talk and see each other, however it happened a couple of days ago, where the conversation began OK but then she was trying to get information out of me which wasn't my right to tell her, so she yelled at me and I hung up the phone, so she hasn't changed one bit.

We were never intimate the last 2 or 3 years of our marriage, and I do believe that she is like your wife in that she needs to have this dominant feature and probably depression attended to, but she won't because she is too strong minded.

In our marriage we lent her brother $66k over different periods of time, but now she denies that this ever happened, not what the bank statements say.

What I am concerned about is that your wife needs to keep changing her medication until one works, but also that you need to see your own doctor.

I do however understand that if her depression is bad enough then she won't be able to drop off and then pick up your daughter from school, because this illness is so strong it holds us back from doing anything.

I hope that you can reply back to us. Geoff.

[jaspergirl]

hey Boxhead,

Just wanted to say hi and i am glad you are asking for some help. That's a huge step in itself. 

Firstly, i just want to say that i admire you and your determination for a more positive life. The fact that you work 9 hours a day, plus half a day a wknd, shows not only are you a hard worker, but i can see you want security for your family. Owning your own business can be hard work and also difficult at times. In life, our careers can not only be for income, but it can also be a way to escape from daily family issues that really need to be discussed, not swept under the carpet.

So in regards to your wife, i firstly want to say that i admire you and your strength in the realtionship. Being with someone with a mental illness is hard work. The roller coaster that one rides on when dealing with depression, anxiety and all mental illnesses can be scary, unpredictable and confusing. To be in a committed relationship isn't always easy at the best of times. Throw in some mental health issues on top of that then it can be more complicated.

My mother suffers from severe BPD, depression and anxiety. Dealing with her can be very traumatic at times. If she is manic then i am subjected to foul language, accusations, and really horrible things. The fact that this language comes from my own mother is very hard and upsetting. 

Then on the other hand, when she is depressed and anxious, she does a complete 180, and everyday activities become almost impossible to deal with. Getting out of bed and brushing her hair is too difficult for her. She would rather spend all day in bed, locked away from society and sleep. Her fears are irrational to everyone else, but for her they are terrifying but totally real. everything begins to snowball fall her. It is a sad journey and one that has seen her lose a lot of friends and even family members. 

I think that you and your wife need to open the lines of communication. I know how hard it can be to feel like you are someones 'punching bag'. The fact that your wife has become physically and emotionally abusive really needs to be addressed before it gets totally out of hand. Try and see life from her point of view. I know its hard for you, but to her everyday is a struggle. 

You may also need to talk with someone, maybe a psychologist. You need a safe place to vent about your concerns regarding your wife. A problem shared is a problem halved. I feel for you totally & i hope things get easier for you soon.

take care 🙂

[CMF]

Hi, I'm glad i read your post - your wife sounds like me.  I am nasty (verbally) to the people I care about.  I have anxiety and depression and its no excuse but I feel I cant control it.  I have so much anger towards the father of my daughter  even though he does everything he can to help.  problem is I cant forgive him for something that happened years ago, that's the trigger for me. I can't move on from something.  I could choose to have a happy relationship (friendship only) with him and be positive but I have anger and resentment. I have huge financial burdens, I wont accept help from him- I don't know if this causes the depression or vice versa. I do think I have hormonal imbalance.  ive always had pmt but my mood swings are uncontrollable at times now.  I wont take meds or seek help from the dr. has anything happened between you that maybe she is hanging to i.e ill feelings? it could be motherhood, lack of career prospects.  even though I'm sure she adores your daughter life changes and you can lose who you are, even if you are happy being a mum. we do change mentally and physically after having kids.  I have different issues of not being able to forgive and move forward. if I could do that I could potentially have a happy life but I an struggling to.  its like im scared to be happy because maybe i'll lose control or I'm scared the happiness will betaken away again. I feel for you.  I have been awful, but I have my reasons. its like I cant tell him how upset I feel because he will never believe how wrong he has been - tells me to move on from issues- because he has so I stay depressed and angry.  He has hurt me very badly though, you may not have any issues like this but it sounds like she is going through something, wether it be a lack of ambition or just the same routine, maybe she feels she not valued anymore (not necessarily by you). maybe she is jealous of you because you still have your job/career as well as being a parent.  these things can creep up without a person even realising.  i do think there is more to it, I hope you can get to the heart of what it is.

[Pixie15]

Hi boxhead,

I have a partner who suffers depression and has aggression issues and I can sympathise with a lot you have written here. I know the feeling of being looked at with hate in the eyes it is very unsettling.

You might consider therapy for yourself. I would not consider couples therapy with my partner. I did CBT last year with a clinical psychologist because I had reached the point of not being able to cope anymore and had a lot of self-doubt. Something like this might help you reconnect with the person you were before the partnership. It helped me. 

I hope you get some help. If the negative parts of the relationship are escalating you might not be able to hold on to your calm demeanor.

cheers,

Grateful

[CMF]

Hi boxhead

how are things going.

[boxhead]

Thanks for your reply. My Daughter is seven. 

[boxhead]

Thanks for your reply. I will try to make her feel more appreciated in an attempt to make her not feel worthless. Its good getting another perspective on my problems. I do try to look at things from her perspective but when you have a person not thinking logically it is hard to know what to say.