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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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LF1986 Relationships in your 30’s post covid
  • replies: 1

During 2020 I still held my job, while others did not, which is something to be thankful for however, the workload I put in was in excess to any amounts I did before. I often left my weeks mentally and emotionally drained and when my ‘friends’ did th... View more

During 2020 I still held my job, while others did not, which is something to be thankful for however, the workload I put in was in excess to any amounts I did before. I often left my weeks mentally and emotionally drained and when my ‘friends’ did their Friday night catch ups I didn’t have the energy to actively join. When I did I was quite quiet. More observing. I didn’t understand the shows they’d all been watching all the memes they’d all seen or the remote exercise classes they did together. I felt out of the loop. It seems to be something I have not managed to slip back into. I would have rather had no job and still kept up with my friends. I don’t know how to get back where we were and finding myself more and more lonely since last year. Has anyone else experienced the same thing? It’s almost as if friendship circles reduced and some got closer and some are gone forever. Definitely feeling like the latter.

Trish2 I'm worried for my friend
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone. As of someone who has a friend that has harmed themselves multiple times recently, I'm obviously very worried for them and I want to be the best of help that I can be for them. I don't feel like I know what I'm doing a lot of the time an... View more

Hi everyone. As of someone who has a friend that has harmed themselves multiple times recently, I'm obviously very worried for them and I want to be the best of help that I can be for them. I don't feel like I know what I'm doing a lot of the time and I've always tried to listen to them whenever they want to talk about something as I know it can be good to have someone to talk to in hard times. They have been diagnosed with a few different things like severe depression and OCD and I just wanted to know if anyone knows the best way to help them get through this. I've visited their place but I can't do that with this snap lockdown unfortunately. Would appreciate the advice hugely. Thank you

Mum-to-be First trimester extreme anxiety
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, I’m almost 10 weeks pregnant and I’ve had a lot going on with life ever since I found out I was pregnant, I had a really stressful year last year and this year was supposed to be my stress free year! But for the past 2 weeks I have been ... View more

Hi everyone, I’m almost 10 weeks pregnant and I’ve had a lot going on with life ever since I found out I was pregnant, I had a really stressful year last year and this year was supposed to be my stress free year! But for the past 2 weeks I have been knees deep in sourcing evidence and putting together a huge NCAT submission. Long story short I had a lot of issues arise and damages occur at my last rental and the agent has frozen the bond. I’ve been eating like crap, staying up till 5am trying to get this stuff done. My husband has been a major trigger for me having anxiety attacks because he has a major problem with listening and I’m finding myself wasting more time fixing up his mistakes in the tribunal application rather than getting the work done! I suffer from anxiety and ocd. But since being pregnant my mental health has been so bad, obviously there is the rise in hormones but I’m too the point where I have multiple rage/anger or anxiety attacks a day, I’ve been under a lot of stress for so long and I’m just so so so worried that it will impact my baby, this is my first pregnancy and it’s been so awful I hate not being able to control my emotions but i can’t help but think I am making my baby suffer. I made the mistake of googling “how does stress affect pregnancy” and ever since then I can not stop thinking about weather or not my baby will have behavioural issues or something wrong with it due to my stress and anxiety. In an attack my heart rate rises, I will start to yell or scream end get the urge to throw things I just get so angry my adrenaline is up and I’m just so worried I am hurting the baby, I havnt announced my pregnancy to my family or friends yet because I wanted to wait until the safe zone but I just want to get some advice and speak to someone who’s maybe experienced the same thing? We’re you under chronic stress and anxiety during the first trimester/pregnancy Is your baby okay now? I just need some reassurance. my husband and I do plan to go see a psychologist once the tribunal stuff is done and I hope we can work through the issues we have (he does not listen, or will ignore me and than when I get upset about something all he does is make excuses and defers the blame and that is what triggers me to get so upset and angry) other than that we do have a great relationship is an amazing person! Just need these issues to stop before baby comes

SaraG 16 year old daughter has depression. Parents need counselling advice.
  • replies: 4

I am 24 years old and the daughter of this family who is currently seeking help for my youngest sister but my parents need counselling advice. Last week, my dad has taken my youngest daughter to see the GP who has diagnosed her with psychosis, depres... View more

I am 24 years old and the daughter of this family who is currently seeking help for my youngest sister but my parents need counselling advice. Last week, my dad has taken my youngest daughter to see the GP who has diagnosed her with psychosis, depression and anxiety and need to consult the psychiatrist or councillor soon. After the appointment, my youngest ran away from my dad to consult my dad's friend to contact the police. The police came and negotiated with my dad, me and my sisters and my youngest herself. They came to the conclusion that my youngest also needs help and we should consult mental health services soon. I have called around these services that could help my youngest which all ended with results that were not beneficial for this situation (phone, text and video calls). What my youngest needs right now is home visits from counsellors or nurses to assess the situation. My parents also need advice on what to do for my youngest because they are waiting for her to recover and decide these things on her own but she plans on doing nothing. I need a professional to consult my parents to the right direction and possibly help my little sister with arranging home visits. My youngest is clearly not in the state of mind right now to go out. She has left school for a week and a few days now. My parents are strongly for the decision in pulling her out of school. She does not go anywhere besides coop up at home in her room on her bed just staring at the wall. She has isolated herself from technology completely (her phone is dead and laptop kept away.) To whoever's available out there, I need your help right now. Thank you and yours sincerely, SG

CPV Medication for 15yo daughter?
  • replies: 1

My daughter has just turned 15. She's been suffering with depression for at least 6 months (It's been really prominent for 6 months, building up for a couple of years). There's some self harm, I'm not sure if it's escalating or staying the same. She'... View more

My daughter has just turned 15. She's been suffering with depression for at least 6 months (It's been really prominent for 6 months, building up for a couple of years). There's some self harm, I'm not sure if it's escalating or staying the same. She's ashamed and doesn't want to talk to me about the self harm. Her school is supportive. She's seeing a psychologist but she doesn't really tell her what's happening, like that she is still self harming. She has no trauma history. We've tried to look at thoughts and triggers but haven't been able to identify any. Her GP thinks her main problem is genetics and he strongly supports medication. I guess my question is, when do you know as a parent that the time is right to try antidepressants with your child? What has your experience been? I don't want her to keep suffering but the warnings that come with antidepressant use in teens scare me.

Kaylee92 New wife, newborn, depressed husband
  • replies: 8

Hi, I have been feeling overwhelmed as of late and thought I'd join the community. My husband have almost been married for a year, and I recently gave birth to our daughter who is currently 3 months old. My husband had been distant and irritable for ... View more

Hi, I have been feeling overwhelmed as of late and thought I'd join the community. My husband have almost been married for a year, and I recently gave birth to our daughter who is currently 3 months old. My husband had been distant and irritable for majority of last year, I thought it was due to still working through the pandemic, stress about having a baby. However a few weeks ago after a long strained year of our relationship he finally opened up and told me he has been suffering depression for most of his life, he had attempted suicide when I was 9 months pregnant, he has been abusing drugs, but felt he reached a point where he was afraid I was going to leave so finally was honest and told me what he has been going through and feeling. It has been a few weeks since finding out, our intimacy has returned and he had been sharing his feelings and thoughts but it is still so hard to be wary not to say or do anything that could trigger him into a bad mood, especially being a first time mum and trying to cope with my own anxieties and stressors from that. Just have been feeling like I am treading water in the deep end.

Violet12 My (depressed/anxious-prone) partner wants to leave his new job... Again...
  • replies: 4

And I am struggling. I don't know where the line is. I don't want to be unsupportive, I don't want to be controlling, I don't know what to say or do. I feel like advice I've received is so conflicted. On one hand, I'm supposed to support him, not jud... View more

And I am struggling. I don't know where the line is. I don't want to be unsupportive, I don't want to be controlling, I don't know what to say or do. I feel like advice I've received is so conflicted. On one hand, I'm supposed to support him, not judge him, not tell him what to do. On the other I'm supposed to "not enable" him. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do in this situation. He says it's because he is just not enjoying it, doesn't like how long the hours are, and doesn't how hard the work is. I understand all of that. But he was excited for this job for weeks, and has wanted to do it since he was a kid. It's been one week employed after years of unemployment, and he suddenly doesn't like it? I think he is just intimidated, but I don't know how to tell him that without being 'unsupportive'. Also, if he leaves, I know he'll go to bed for days and avoid his family and repeat over and over what a screw up he is and how much he regrets leaving it.. We went through this about 2 months ago, when he quit that job before his day. It was so, so, so emotionally and psychologically exhausting being in this house with him after that. I do not want to go through it again... But I can never tell him that

Onesss My partner blames his depression on me
  • replies: 4

Hi, I am a little stuck with what I should do. My partner is suffering from deep depression and anxiety and when he is in a bad way he blames it all on me saying I don’t know how to uplift him and putting up with someone who isn’t supportive is the h... View more

Hi, I am a little stuck with what I should do. My partner is suffering from deep depression and anxiety and when he is in a bad way he blames it all on me saying I don’t know how to uplift him and putting up with someone who isn’t supportive is the hardest thing he has to do, and says that I have no common sense about life and that makes him nervous because how can he be with someone who can’t help or protect us in the future (we have been together 6 years) ... as I’m typing this I am making him sound awful and I admit that it can be but maybe I am not doing or saying the right things to help ? he is the type of person who keeps to himself and I’m all he has, when I try to get him to do things to get out and about he says why do I want to be like everyone else on social media etc.. he is a very fit person physically but his mentally is a different story.. I don’t know how to say the right thing to help him see better things in life... I’m really struggling because his depression is being taken out on me emotionally and I’m become too tired to try and then it just goes in a circle back to me not knowing what to say and being unable to help him when really I’m just tired because I have tried and he doesn’t see or listen

boxhead My wife suffers depression and is nasty to me.
  • replies: 29

Hi everyone I need to say that I love my wife, but its getting to the stage where I am wondering it it worth my own happiness, health and mental well being. I have a 7 year old daughter to consider as well as my comfortable life I have worked hard al... View more

Hi everyone I need to say that I love my wife, but its getting to the stage where I am wondering it it worth my own happiness, health and mental well being. I have a 7 year old daughter to consider as well as my comfortable life I have worked hard all my life and will more than likely lose to her if we ever split. I am not a quitter, I am willing and do support her, she has absolutely no money worries at all, I pay for everything, house luxury car and utilities, the lot. She just left her 2 day a week job because it was making her depressed and sick. I do 9 hours a day including a half day Saturday to keep my business going, all that is expected from her is to pick up and drop off our daughter from school and be a mother. What has happened over the years is we have drifted apart, communication has broken down. All I get from her in any discussion is negativity, how I dont spend enough time with her and our daughter, how I tune out and surf the net on the laptop instead of talking. When I get told about all the things I do wrong it is easier to just shut up then to argue. Heaven forbid if was to argue back. If there is a worse possible way to take something then that is the way she takes it. I never judge her or demand anything from her yet if I make a comment like "gee that chicken you cooked was spicy" she would reply with something along the lines "I know its not good enough for you, or I cant ever get any thing right for you. I am often wondering "where did that come from". She is cranky and moody, she screams at our daughter and carries on about anything that is asked of her. Today I tried to make a bit of fun and she came at me with a water bottle I put my hands over my face, and she hit me accross the stomach. I have never hit her, I have never started a physical fight with anyone. I could see hatred in her eyes. When I met her I was her instructor/helper at a ballroom dance studio with I had been attending for a few years, I was fit, happy and successful because after some lows in my life I chose to be that way. Now I am happiest at work doing my thing, I have no close friends anymore, dont want to go anywhere, I am unfit and I am probably mildly depressed myself. She has had a stint in hospital to change meds recently (5 weeks) Do you think she is Just depressed, or with the nasty moody attitude do you think there is more to it? Am I doing anything wrong ? As soon as I try to get close to her I get pushed away.