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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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boxhead My wife suffers depression and is nasty to me.
  • replies: 29

Hi everyone I need to say that I love my wife, but its getting to the stage where I am wondering it it worth my own happiness, health and mental well being. I have a 7 year old daughter to consider as well as my comfortable life I have worked hard al... View more

Hi everyone I need to say that I love my wife, but its getting to the stage where I am wondering it it worth my own happiness, health and mental well being. I have a 7 year old daughter to consider as well as my comfortable life I have worked hard all my life and will more than likely lose to her if we ever split. I am not a quitter, I am willing and do support her, she has absolutely no money worries at all, I pay for everything, house luxury car and utilities, the lot. She just left her 2 day a week job because it was making her depressed and sick. I do 9 hours a day including a half day Saturday to keep my business going, all that is expected from her is to pick up and drop off our daughter from school and be a mother. What has happened over the years is we have drifted apart, communication has broken down. All I get from her in any discussion is negativity, how I dont spend enough time with her and our daughter, how I tune out and surf the net on the laptop instead of talking. When I get told about all the things I do wrong it is easier to just shut up then to argue. Heaven forbid if was to argue back. If there is a worse possible way to take something then that is the way she takes it. I never judge her or demand anything from her yet if I make a comment like "gee that chicken you cooked was spicy" she would reply with something along the lines "I know its not good enough for you, or I cant ever get any thing right for you. I am often wondering "where did that come from". She is cranky and moody, she screams at our daughter and carries on about anything that is asked of her. Today I tried to make a bit of fun and she came at me with a water bottle I put my hands over my face, and she hit me accross the stomach. I have never hit her, I have never started a physical fight with anyone. I could see hatred in her eyes. When I met her I was her instructor/helper at a ballroom dance studio with I had been attending for a few years, I was fit, happy and successful because after some lows in my life I chose to be that way. Now I am happiest at work doing my thing, I have no close friends anymore, dont want to go anywhere, I am unfit and I am probably mildly depressed myself. She has had a stint in hospital to change meds recently (5 weeks) Do you think she is Just depressed, or with the nasty moody attitude do you think there is more to it? Am I doing anything wrong ? As soon as I try to get close to her I get pushed away.

Cybil101 Supporting suicidal friend
  • replies: 7

Hi. I have a friend who has potentially undiagnosed depression and anxiety and a history of suicide attempts. Lately she has been lashing out at me and telling me she does not want me in her life, doesn't need me etc etc. She has previously mentioned... View more

Hi. I have a friend who has potentially undiagnosed depression and anxiety and a history of suicide attempts. Lately she has been lashing out at me and telling me she does not want me in her life, doesn't need me etc etc. She has previously mentioned she feels like a burden and I think this is because she doesn't feel she is worthy of my love and support. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, just by offering to listen if she needs to talk. Sometimes she comes good again and apologises and says she did not mean to take it out on me. She is not in a position to seek therapy at the moment and has an unsupportive family. Any suggestions on what I do when she says she does not want me in her life? I'm scared that would tip her over the edge, as I seem to be her only support.

BetweenThePoles Needing to support a dear friend with bipolar
  • replies: 13

Hello, My best friend has bipolar disorder. Our friendship has been great. lately she has become verbally abusive, angry and she shuts me out and I can’t respond. She accuses me of being a liar, manipulator, attention seeker and someone with an agend... View more

Hello, My best friend has bipolar disorder. Our friendship has been great. lately she has become verbally abusive, angry and she shuts me out and I can’t respond. She accuses me of being a liar, manipulator, attention seeker and someone with an agenda and selective memory., All I have ever done is treat her kindly. We talked about food, she made suggestions worth doing, since I was only eating vegetables, legumes. The conversation ended amicably. The next morning, she went ballistic and said some verbally abusive things which hurt. I became a liar because I followed her suggestion, it seems. She told me to leave her alone otherwise she would terminate our friendship. She has qualities which to me are very rare. I care about her very much. I am a kind, caring but a passive individual, never spoken ill of her, never put her down or commented on her shortcomings or actions, but she appears to be overanalysing our discussions to look for possible faults or shortcomings of my own for some reason, misunderstanding what is being communicated or is just saying them to hurt me. She often puts herself down, and I counter it by trying to boost her. She deserves it. The last time something like this happened , which was her getting angry because I apologised to her because I thought I upset her. It turned out was joking but I misunderstood. I was also called a liar then because she felt my apology was false or pretend. I genuinely felt I’d said something wrong and upset her, and felt remorseful. She stormed off and said she needed space. I have never known anyone to react to apologies with hostility. I waited two weeks and it was like nothing happened and she apologised to me for not being chatty, even though she was the one that wanted me to leave her alone. The normality didn’t last long, though. She knows she needs a mood stabiliser but hasn’t done anything. I researched bipolar because she knew basically nothing. After being triggered off over a discussion about food, I do not know how to approach her, or when, in fear of having her rage at me again. She’s right though, I *do* have an agenda. When I got to know her, I realised how bad her depression is and how badly if affects her life. I wanted to try and put some happiness, relief, normalcy back into her life. I want her to be happy, because I care about her. I’ve never expected anything from her other than her friendship and company. Any advice gratefully received. Thank you.

Ella95 Navigating a new relationship and my partners depression
  • replies: 7

Hi All, I've been thinking of joining a forum like this for quiet some time and it's been really encouraging reading other people's posts. I really just needed a place to be able to communicate how I'm feeling as I can't always be so blunt with my pa... View more

Hi All, I've been thinking of joining a forum like this for quiet some time and it's been really encouraging reading other people's posts. I really just needed a place to be able to communicate how I'm feeling as I can't always be so blunt with my partner. I started seeing him about 7 months ago and right from the start he told me that he has depression (his parents and siblings all have it too) and he has managed it for years through medication and counseling. I met him during a good period for him where he was feeling really on top of it but about a month into our relationship, he got demoted at work and decided to quite his job. It sent him into a depressive episode which has lasted about 6 months now. We love each other and he is pretty good at communicating with me about how he's feeling (which I appreciate) and he is still getting treatment. But it's really draining for me some days and recently (the longer this episode lasts) I have more and more days where I just wish that we could go on a date and spend time together without the depression. It seeps into everything. Even when he's not feeling flat (which is rare), he's always so tired and when we're out together I'm always so conscious of how he is feeling. It's tiring always having to carefully choose my words when we talk about his depression, because often when I tell him what I need, he feels like he's not good enough for me and he won't be able to meet my needs and sometimes he feels attacked. So I'm always having to cushion my words and beat around the bush, when sometimes I just want to be blunt and honest about how hard this is for me even though I know it must be so hard for him too. I'm about to start a new job as a teacher and I'm so excited. I really feel like I've found my passion and he's been so supportive of me. But it's also hard being with someone who doesn't feel excitement and happiness the way I do and sometimes I just really want him to be excited with me. I feel so selfish for wanting that, because I know that he can't help how he feels and he has been so supportive. I really do love him and there are days when I really do see a wonderful future with him. I am doing my best to support him and understand his depression. But there are so many days when he just can't meet me where I'm at. When I tell him I love him and see a future for us and he tells me he's emotionally numb. It's so hard! Anyways, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Omara I can’t cope with my alcoholic husband any longer, please help.
  • replies: 7

Hi all, I have never asked for help like this before but I am running out of options. My husband of 12 years is an alchoholic and I feel I have run out of options on how to help him and how to cope myself. By day he is a charming, kind, successful ma... View more

Hi all, I have never asked for help like this before but I am running out of options. My husband of 12 years is an alchoholic and I feel I have run out of options on how to help him and how to cope myself. By day he is a charming, kind, successful man and by night he drinks until he blacks out and is tired, dark and aggressive along the way. He can’t remember the things he says and does. I have been keeping a journal of his ‘incidences’ and they are so shocking I can’t re read them. My family knows I’m in trouble and I feel so guilty for letting it go on and on but I feel trapped and powerless. I feel like I’m slowly going insane living in constant fear of his drinking and dysfunctional outbursts. It effects everything in my life as I’m constantly devastated or picking up the pieces (literally). I don’t know what else to do. I have tried banning alchohol, tipping it out, withholding funds, telling family and friends about his drunken behavior, yelling and screaming at him, kicking him out of the house, couples counseling, threatened to go to the police and even moved the family next door to my mum so she can help me/us with his alchoholism. He has tried medications, AA, psychologists, psychiatrists, abstinence, cognitive behavioral therapy. He has been saying for years that he will go to rehab but it hasn’t happened. He has no reason be be an alchoholic, no history of trauma etc just long term alcohol abuse. Am I missing something here? We love each other dearly and haven’t been able to leave him but Is this my only option???

Crocsnap Husband at crisis point
  • replies: 3

Im new here but feeling very out of my depth and hoping for some supportive words from those who have been here before. My husband has been having issues for quite some time, our family has encountered some pretty traumatic losses over the last 5-6 y... View more

Im new here but feeling very out of my depth and hoping for some supportive words from those who have been here before. My husband has been having issues for quite some time, our family has encountered some pretty traumatic losses over the last 5-6 years and his way of dealing with things has been to literally through himself into work and essentially make himself as busy as he possibly can. However things had been getting steadily worse over the last couple weeks with several friends and family starting to also get very worried before he finally crashed at the beginning of the week. I made him an appointment with the gp who wanted him sent to hospital and ended up keeping him in the surgery for a good 2+ hours before allowing him to come home on a trial basis provided he doesn't drive (suicidal thoughts) and daily appointments with her. Since home I'm having to physically supervise his medication usage and he has now decided he was just having a couple bad days and it's all a lot of fuss over nothing. Saying that though at today's appointment the moment we got to the drs he shut down, started shaking, couldn't string his words together and was a complete mess, then tried to deny it all 10 minutes after we left. Im not a complete stranger to mental health issues, our daughter has severe anxiety and I lost my dad to suicide 3 years ago and while I'm thankful he at least is getting help I'm terrified it won't be enough, or that I'll crack under the pressure and I even found myself hiding his tablets earlier today when I had to duck out of the house briefly. We have been told it could be a minimum of 3 weeks before we start seeing improvements and thats provided this first choice of medications actually work for him, so any words of advice to help me get through this first stage? Noting he doesn't want anyone to know and while I don't agree (especially in regards to his mum who would be incredibly supportive) I want to respect those wishes so other than his work who witnessed the crash and my boss, so I had flexibility no one else knows so limited real life people to lean on at the moment.

MissG999 I have a chronic illness and my partner won't seek further help for depression
  • replies: 2

My partner and I have been together for 10 years (not married) and he's always struggled with varying severity of depression over this time. I supported him to see a psychiatrist years ago and he's been medicated since then, but he has always refused... View more

My partner and I have been together for 10 years (not married) and he's always struggled with varying severity of depression over this time. I supported him to see a psychiatrist years ago and he's been medicated since then, but he has always refused counselling so his management strategies haven't improved. I developed a chronic pain condition a few years ago as well and it's reduced my capabilities a lot. This past year he's slowly spiralled down again; he's having sleep problems, more bouts of being unable to communicate and struggling to get through the day. He is tired all the time and hates his job, but is scared to quit or lose it since it would be hard to find another now. I think me being sick too has a bit to do with the pressure he feels there. He hasn't seen his psychiatrist in 12 months and has been getting medication through various GPs. I tried the same approach that worked to initially get him to see a psychiatrist initially, but he says he's too tired to even go to one appointment and doesn't think he can deal with talking to a psychologist in a useful way. I've spoken to him about it 3 times now but he just won't or can't move past that point and the conversation just makes him sadder. I try to avoid doing things that bother him and be emotionally supportive but I've been struggling to balance his needs against mine. I'm worried that he will keep sliding until he can't work anymore and then have a huge crash but nothing I say trumps over his feelings of exhaustion. I really don't know what to do at this point so any suggestions would be great.

Jasmine18 Found my boyfriend is taking antidepressant
  • replies: 21

Hi, I'm new to this. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a few years. We are not living together. He had been really loving and supportive until November last year when he went distant suddenly. Around Christmas, he took some time off ... View more

Hi, I'm new to this. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a few years. We are not living together. He had been really loving and supportive until November last year when he went distant suddenly. Around Christmas, he took some time off work, I found he became happier and more talkative, but it wasn’t quite the same as before. In the last few weeks, I can feel he has been pulling away again. I was really hurt. He even said at some stage he just wanted to be friends, but would like to help me and support me whenever I needed it. I found his words couldn't add up and I could tell there was something he wasn't telling me. Just a week ago, I noticed he was taking antidepressant. Now everything seems to make sense. I’m not quite sure what his condition is as he has never mentioned it to me. But he did mention in the past that he gets panic attacks. Work had been quite stressful for him in the past few years. And at the beginning of this year he started working in a new organisation. I have read a lot online about depression and anxiety in the last week and I really want to be there for him. He doesn't have any friends and his family is far away. He tends to keep a lot to himself and very self sufficient. The fact that he’s taking antidepressant is kind of good news as I wasn’t sure if he would want to seek any professional help in situations like this. We used to text each other a lot everyday when we are apart. But now he has stopped texting me to say hi. When I text him, he responds, but wouldn't say much. He just doesn't sound like the happy, funny guy I used to text to. He has also stopped showing affection. When I'm with him, he acts quite normally (he even laughs sometimes), and we still have sex, but I can tell he doesn't want to be emotionally intimate. As he has never mentioned to me he has depression and/or anxiety, I'm not sure if it is appropriate to start a conversation about it bluntly, or should I be more gentle? Also I'm not sure what to do in general. Should I just accept the way he is right now? Is it ok to ask for more affection? I know I need to be strong and not take anything personally, but still, when he is so distant it hurts and makes me doubt his love for me. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Sammy90 My sister *Trigger warning - suicidal thoughts content*
  • replies: 4

I’ve just gotten off the phone to my sister I’m feeling hopeless overwhelmed and extremely anxious, she called me In hysterics wanted to end her I could feel her pain and agony over the phone and tried to say the right things to help her feel positiv... View more

I’ve just gotten off the phone to my sister I’m feeling hopeless overwhelmed and extremely anxious, she called me In hysterics wanted to end her I could feel her pain and agony over the phone and tried to say the right things to help her feel positive but I found myself lost for words. I don’t know if I helped the only thing stopping her is the pain and grief her passing will inflict with her son and our mother the guilt of that is the only thing stopping her I don’t know who to go to, to seek help or how I can help

Exhaustedmummaof3 Trapped in relationship and desperately seeking help *Trigger warning*
  • replies: 2

I am posting here for the first time, so my apologies if I have not done this correctly. I don’t even know where to start - in the words of the psychologist that I have just started seeing, “this is extremely complicated”...... I am the wife of a man... View more

I am posting here for the first time, so my apologies if I have not done this correctly. I don’t even know where to start - in the words of the psychologist that I have just started seeing, “this is extremely complicated”...... I am the wife of a man who suffers from severe depression. We have three little amazing children aged 3,5 and 8. The severe nature of his depression has only evolved in its extremity in the last 3 years. He has had two 6 week hospitalisations in the last 2 years as a result of wanting to take his life...... the last one only a few months ago and the kids saw him being wheeled out to the ambulance......We all have experienced so much trauma as a result of his illness. I spend my waking hours advocating for mental health and the importance of prevention over cure in an attempt to provide a more positive pathway through life for my kids and the kids in my care. I have written to politicians, I have pleaded with government authorities and I have been faced with nothing but silence...........I walk on eggshells daily, hourly, I can’t speak without my words being manipulated in to to a self serving darkness. My voice is not heard, will never be heard as a result of the illness that plagues my husbands mind. I am not allowed to feel, to exist, to speak freely as the consequence is that my husband will take his life..... how do I explain that to my children...? I am trapped in what feels like a garbage compactor, I am being squeezed tighter and tighter into a space where whatever way I turn, trauma exists....... I understand his illness and I have been there for him for the last 12 years, through the lies, the job losses, the trauma and yet, still, here I stand, unwavering........ although now, I am tired... I am scared......I no longer have a voice, an identity. He is a beautiful father and a man who so desperately wanted children and a life that he never had..... I don’t think he loves me though, I don’t know if he ever did.... I guess I am desperate to find someone who understands what we are going through, what it’s like to be the family, the spouse of someone who has such severe depression..... I feel so very alone and all I do is just try to protect my precious babies from any more trauma related to the possibility of losing their dad... I also don’t honestly know how much longer I can keep going in a relationship where I feel so incredibly trapped....I am grateful for any advice.... thank you