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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Parental Unit Our home and family seem to be falling apart
  • replies: 8

My husband of 20 years just drove away because “he needed to go out”. I have no idea if or when he will be back. I am so worried about him... how we got here is a long story but one told on this forum too often I suspect. I believe he has depression,... View more

My husband of 20 years just drove away because “he needed to go out”. I have no idea if or when he will be back. I am so worried about him... how we got here is a long story but one told on this forum too often I suspect. I believe he has depression, which comes in severe attacks and has done all through our marriage. This one was brought on by a confrontation with our 12 year old youngest daughter who also seems to be struggling with mental health issues, where she seems to completely change personality in an instant and become aggressive, sneaky violent and hurtful. My husband became very angry with her after I had said I was at my wits end and needed help with her. She had trashed our living room in a rage. He grabbed her and smacked her and was being more aggressive than I had ever seen him (he is never violent). I had to tell him to stop and leave her. After this incident he descended into the depression again. I am sure he feels terrible for losing his temper with her. He is also withdrawing from our other children (we have 4 altogether) and myself. The kids are all keeping their distance, staying in their rooms and getting more and more into their electronic pastimes. I know this irritates him. He is a religious person and is upset that the children do not believe in the way he wants them to. His depression is usually brought about by feeling disrespected by the children or useless as a person. He refuses to seek help - I have asked him to many times over the years. I want to seek help for our 12 year old and he doesn’t want that either. He thinks it is her behaviour and she can just stop. He should understand that she can’t. I have made an appointment for her anyway, and will take her myself. I know I can’t force him to accept help, but I would love some ideas as to how to help our family, which seems to be falling apart. Everything is so tense, no one speaks, we don’t do anything together apart from go to church. And that is only because no one wants to upset my husband by not going. We all have issues socialising and are a household of introverts. Talking to each other about important issues is very difficult if not impossible and usually descends into accusations of ‘judging’. i am worried about my husband and want to help him.

dre1989 1 year with partner and last month has had real lows and broke it off
  • replies: 3

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year, when i first met him, he told me he did get some lows sometimes but that was linked to an gambling addiction - during the first few months of the relationship he got support through a councilor and ... View more

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year, when i first met him, he told me he did get some lows sometimes but that was linked to an gambling addiction - during the first few months of the relationship he got support through a councilor and that seemed to help. He started a new job and due to the way the rostering works, he had to stop his weekly talks. I'm not sure what triggered it but i noticed it quite often and now he has ended things saying i deserve better and that i should find someone who can provide me what I deserve etc.. he says he needs to get his head sorted before he can be in a relationship - I understand but im also finding it really difficult because he is my best friend and in a way i know i've kind of lost my support person. I've been checking in just to make sure things are okay and to let him know i love and miss him but should i be doing this? I don't want to say the wrong things or make him feel more guilty than he already does. He did tell me yesterday, he has looked up for some support and we are meant to be catching up one night to discuss further. Im just heart broken so finding it difficult where to draw the line, i love him and want nothing but happiness for him, but could i make it worse holding on?

Elliebells Elliebells
  • replies: 3

I’m a widowed mum supporting my 39 year old son (Lives with me) with mental health and drug/alcohol addiction. He hasn’t had any ‘pot’ since his second psychotic episode 2 years ago but his alcohol consumption is out of control. He hasn’t displayed a... View more

I’m a widowed mum supporting my 39 year old son (Lives with me) with mental health and drug/alcohol addiction. He hasn’t had any ‘pot’ since his second psychotic episode 2 years ago but his alcohol consumption is out of control. He hasn’t displayed any violent tendencies although he can become exhausting to be with when he becomes verbally excited. I’m extremely anxious and not sure where to turn for support. For us both. We share the same GP and he is trying to help but my son is resistant.

BradFox Recognising mental health in preteens
  • replies: 2

I’m a little concerned with my partners 8 year old. A little history, from the day she was born she has been clingy to her mother. I know this is normal behaviour, however my reading has suggested there should be some level of this starting to subsid... View more

I’m a little concerned with my partners 8 year old. A little history, from the day she was born she has been clingy to her mother. I know this is normal behaviour, however my reading has suggested there should be some level of this starting to subside. She is now 8 years old and cannot handle it when mum leaves the room. As soon as she leaves DD8 gets up to follow. I try and get her to stay as her nun is just going to the bathroom but she won’t let up until she’s with her Mum again. I feel Mum has made it worse by allowing it to happen. Also due to always having mum with her when she is sick, sad, angry or has any emotion, she has absolute zero emotional regulation. Once she is upset she would never be able to regulate that herself, and it takes hours of attention for even Mum to get her to calm. I’ve caught her making up illness many times. I also know she will fake being sad, hurting herself, basically do whatever it takes to have Mum doting over her 100% of the time. My question is, because I’ve never seen it in any child I’ve been around, am I overacting being worried? I’m just scared this is going to develop into her being codependent, or having a fear of abandonment which can lead to more serious mental health issues. Again I reiterate, this is all day every day.

PrincessSel Parent going to a nursing home against his will
  • replies: 2

Hello, I am struggling with the fact that my Dad needs to go into a nursing home. He flat out refuses to go and is in denial that he needs to be there. How do I deal with this I have so much guilt and emotions about this? For a bit more context I am ... View more

Hello, I am struggling with the fact that my Dad needs to go into a nursing home. He flat out refuses to go and is in denial that he needs to be there. How do I deal with this I have so much guilt and emotions about this? For a bit more context I am currently caring for my Mother full time, work full time and am engaged. My sister is helping but tends to get things in more of a mess that anything else and cant deal with the legal nor emotional side of things, we have recently had a SACAT approved for Dad and this has all happened only recently and I am feeling very overwhelmed. My father was not a good father nor a good husband and has only been back in my life for the past 4-5 years. He has Dementia, I don't understand the extent of this but he repeats and ruminates on his past a lot. He can not be in his home as he is not looking after himself properly and I can't do more than I already am. He is currently in the hospital and they are saying he needs a nursing home but are not supporting me in this and I am finding it hard to navigate this aged care system and all the things I need to do. Can anyone offer any advise on their experience in this area. Thanks

leeloodallas 10 year old daughter suffering debilitating anxiety.. how can I help her?
  • replies: 2

Hi, My daughter started showing signs of ASD and ADHD about 3 years ago and it's taken this long to get to the stage where she can start assessment (thanks to covid, and the lack of mental health services where we live). She didn't really show many s... View more

Hi, My daughter started showing signs of ASD and ADHD about 3 years ago and it's taken this long to get to the stage where she can start assessment (thanks to covid, and the lack of mental health services where we live). She didn't really show many signs of anxiety until covid/home schooling, but kids here got back to school fairly quickly and she seemed to be doing OK. In the last week of school last year she suddenly flat out refused to go. We let her stay home, figuring it would pass. But it's only getting worse. Some days she's relatively OK and will go out and do things (visit people, do outdoor/organised activities) but most of the time she just wants to stay in her bedroom. Mornings are the worst - she sometimes gets so stressed she'll vomit, especially when she knows there's something she has to do that day. Today and tomorrow she's booked for ASD/ADHD assessments and she has vomited multiple times, is in tears, refusing to leave her bed... We've talked with her repeatedly about the purpose of the assessments, and I don't think it's the actual tests she's scared about but leaving the house/going to the psych's office - in a previous assessment just before xmas she was so anxious she vomited and now associates going to the psych with vomiting. She skipped Christmas lunch at her grandparents', her sister's birthday party yesterday, all the holiday care we'd booked her into, and more. Yet she enjoys having friends and family come to visit. She says she just wants a "chill day" every day, or that she "feels too sick" to go anywhere (and uses the stress-vomiting to validate that). As I said, we've told her the assessments are non-negotiable and have been gentle but firm that she's going. But at this point, I don't know if having to bodily carry her to the car is going to be totally counter-productive, or if it's more counter-productive to let her off doing anything. School starts back in 2 weeks and I'm very anxious myself about how that's going to go. We're doing deep breathing, weighted blankets, going for walks, reading, devices when we're at our wits' end, stress balls, Bachs rescue remedy, talking... If anyone has any strategies we haven't tried, especially advice on when to insist she goes somewhere, I'd love to hear them. Thank you.

JaneFl My partner has left me and I know it's his anxiety/depression. Please help!
  • replies: 1

Hi. I’m new to the forum and just really looking for somewhere to offload and for some advice. my fiancée and I have been together for 6 years. We are due to get married this year (delayed once due to COVID). In 2018, he started to suffer with severe... View more

Hi. I’m new to the forum and just really looking for somewhere to offload and for some advice. my fiancée and I have been together for 6 years. We are due to get married this year (delayed once due to COVID). In 2018, he started to suffer with severe depression and suicidal thoughts. He never received medication but had counselling and got much better. We old our house in September 2020. He started a new job in Saudi Arabia in August, and we’ve only seen each other for 3 weeks since then when he came home before Christmas as a surprise. We are used to long distance from his previous job. About a week after he got back to Saudi, he told me his anxiety was playing up and he wasn’t feeling great. I know he’s stressed about the house, about when we will see each other again because of COVID etc. He was always messaging me telling me he loved me, missed me, will do anything he can to get home in April so we can get married. Then over the Christmas break he went really withdrawn, barely messaging me back, never calling or anything. I asked him why and he told me I was annoying him and to leave him alone. It’s been two weeks since then and we’ve had small episodes of contact in between. Mostly him telling me he loves me, wants me to be happy but doesn’t know if he can make me happy, that I deserve better, and worst of all, that he doesn’t know what he wants. He said he’s struggling out there with it being a new world. I’ve tried to leave him but felt so in limbo over the last two weeks that I had to message him last night to say please tell me what’s going on. he said he couldn’t talk, that he “can’t do it his head isn’t in the right place”, but perhaps selfishly I said I need to speak to you on the phone as we’ve only spoken over text since this happened. He was really nasty to me on the phone, it felt like he was saying anything he could to hurt me to push me away. That he wasn’t happy, we’re just a habit, and we've grown apart. That the Last two weeks have been the best ever since not speaking to me. He said I need you to leave me alone I’m not happy in my head I love you more than anything. I tried to tell him it’s your anxiety/depression, but he said he’s not depressed, despite saying his head is all over the place. I sent him a nice message saying I know you’re pushing me away and trying to hurt me to get me to leave, but I won’t. Now I know I need to leave him alone. I am heartbroken. My gut tells me this isn’t him at all and it’s not over.

SalC Worried for my Husband.
  • replies: 8

My husband and l have been married for 14 yrs. This year due to covid we have been living separately but still happily married till 2 weeks ago. My husband who suffers depression and drinks excessively had a big year working and his employment did no... View more

My husband and l have been married for 14 yrs. This year due to covid we have been living separately but still happily married till 2 weeks ago. My husband who suffers depression and drinks excessively had a big year working and his employment did not end well. I kept asking him to slow down knowing it would not turn out well. Last week he stopped talking to me. Wont answer my phone calls etc He sent me text to say his done. I've sent him a message telling him lm here for him and love him. My approach this time is different. Rather than begging him to stay l am keeping away. I feel he has to now make the decision to get better. He drinks a bottle of scotch a night and for many years lve put up with it. His mood swings are increasingly worrisome. He refuses to seek help. I have asked a friend to reach out to him and yet to respond. Am l doing the right thing. Suggestions welcome.

Loulee Feeling bad! I lost it with an anxious friend who refuses help!
  • replies: 2

Hello All, I am new here to the forums. I love and appreciate Beyond Blue. I have been receiving treatment for anxiety and panic attacks for over 15 years but when I look back over my life it seems I have been coping with these things, as well as som... View more

Hello All, I am new here to the forums. I love and appreciate Beyond Blue. I have been receiving treatment for anxiety and panic attacks for over 15 years but when I look back over my life it seems I have been coping with these things, as well as some depression, since I was a teenager. I am doing well, take anti depressants and have learnt how to manage myself. I am writing as I have close friend who lives overseas and insists we message every day, which is tiring. This friend has had a long history of what seems to be symptoms of anxiety, panic attacks, OCD and hypochondria. Her mother was bipolar. My friend keeps making excuses and blaming her conditions on medical issues or family problems. OK I get that. You have to be ready. But what is difficult is that every day she dumps all her stress and anxiety on me. This Covid year has been particularly bad as her anxiety has gotten worse. Last week I made the mistake of offering some advice. She back peddled, contradicted herself and pretended everything was fine. I was stressed by the conversation and took myself off to the park for a walk. When we resumed the conversation and she was in denial I just snapped. I said some very blunt and probably hurtful truths. I since wrote a message of apology. But she is now ignoring me. I am guessing I am going to follow some friends from her past whom she has cut completely from her life. I'm sad about this as I do value her friendship but I just couldn't cope any longer being her emotional rubbish tip. It has been impacting my own stress and anxiety. I am wondering if anyone can relate to this or has any similar stories to mine and can provide some advice as I am feeling upset by this incident. She has admitted in the past that I bear the brunt of her stress so where is my apology? It has been years of shouldering her problems. She does provide me with some support but there is a big imbalance. I am a private person. I censor what I tell her and keep a lot of my own stuff private. Sometimes she doesn't even seem to read my messages or respond to my comments as there is not a lot of room left after her stream of comments about her own concerns. Thanks in advance for listening. Happy New Year.