Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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"Toxic" friendships and boundaries.

replies: 4

Hi there, don't know where to turn so am hoping for some advice. I have this friend who is starting to make me resent everything. they don't have many friends, if any at all, and feel they are getting too attached to me and enmeshing themselves in everything i do and i'm starting to resent all the things that give me joy. I've tried to help them expanding their social circles for themselves, but get angry as i haven't introduced them to my friends, they try to put themselves into everything i do and guilt me when i try to have days to myself etc. I'm at a tipping point as I am not responsible for their life and they take no accountability. I've recently had some triggering news i had to process and only disclosed the situation at hand with my partner, but i set a boundary to not disclose everything with this friend as I feel they have to know every ins and outs about me and i find it uncomfortable to have someone know EVERYTHING. Because i have been processing this triggering issue that came up, they started guilting me and making it all about them as if i am the bad person and making them feel bad, when i'm going through my own things and needing space to process and work on myself. My partner says to just sever them but i feel as though it will create more harm than good. I have started to set some boundaries but feel they get angry and make it all about them when things have nothing to do with them, and i'm at a point i may implode. They are too dependent and don't have the self awareness or want to take any accountability or respect boundaries and it is making me feel smothered and resentful. I am sick of the gaslighting and playing on guilt trips and their skewed views and ideas and excessive need to enmesh themselves in my life.... as they wanted to see the same psych as me, do the same courses at uni as me, do everything i want to do and just not think for themselves know the same people as me. any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. thank you.

Caring difficulties - When someone refuses your help

replies: 5

Hello everyone, Recently I made a post about my mum that has early onset alzheimers. My mum is 68 and I am 28. Since last year things have been getting a lot worse, I guess common for many people. The support I received was great, in this post I'm asking if anyone can help with a specific issue. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice/strategies on how to help get your loved one to do important daily tasks that they are reluctant to do or accept your help with? Emphasis on accepting your help if they are unable to do it on their own. I feel so guilty, this year my anxiety levels have just gone crazy. My mum has been refusing to have showers or take her tablets, I'm the only one at home with the acception of my boyfriend who is extremely kind, gentle and helpful and tries his hardest to help out where possible. Today I got frustrated because my mum refuse to get undressed for the shower, I had been trying for a solid hour and nothing was working, I got to the point where I just tried to remove the shirt for mum and she just yelled and cried and accused me of assault. I felt absolutely terrible because I was a bit forceful, I was just fed up, I told her to put her arms up and she folded them down under her arm pits. She tells me I nag her and talk too much, and reflects any agitation she has back onto me which makes me get agitated too, i try my hardest to keep calm but it's getting really hard. I feel so bad and that was not my intention and I genuinely just wanted to help her get ready like I do every morning. We talked it out, but I know it's just going to keep happening and my mental health is getting worse which is making my reactions worse. Please, what are some coping strategies with the above issues.

Trouble coping - Early Onset Alzheimers

replies: 6

Hello there, Since last year my mental health has been spiralling downwards. 7 years ago my mum was diagnosed with early onset alzheimers, I'm 28, my mum is 68. Mum was a very positive and happy person first 5 years, now these moments are sporadic. I know at some point in the day it's going to be difficult, it's unpredictable when. Moods range from happy to manicly upset/depressed/irritable. Mum defies my help a lot now even though can't do it alone, it's been such a struggle getting her to do daily necessities without becoming bigger then it is. I have to expect the worst. Everything I do is to help her, I get so upset because my help is the enemy. I'm starting to show it infront of her because I'm just really all over the place myself, becoming unpredictable with my patience. I then feel very upset because I don't want to ever make her feel like any of this is ever her fault. I have 3 siblings that don't really pull their weight, I am the youngest and they always wait for me to ask when they no I'm struggling. So I just struggle on and do my best because it's easier for me to rely on myself. My partner helps me more then my family, and I love him dearly for it, but feel guilty for it too. I don't think they know how I feel but they also know how bad mum is-they'd rather turn a blind eye. It frustrates me that they talk to me about all their problems and tell me how tired and busy they are and ignore that I have a job, I'm a full time carer, and I also have been living at home since mum was diagnosed (I also make sure to help with bills, groceries etc) . I've giving up my social life and reduced work because I love mum and I have trust issues with my siblings. Luckily on a Wednesday I have a lovely lady come over and spend time with mum for a few hours, they have built up a beautiful friendship. My dad also had a stroke last year, I'm trying to go over as much as possible to see him, but it is hard to try and be there for both of them equally. I'm trying to get supports into place so he has more avenues for help, as he is older then my mum and currently has a walker. My brother tries to go over as much as he can but struggles with his own mental health issues, and my sister and him had a fight and she was his carer (they haven't seen or spoken to each other in over 6 months). Honestly I'm just trying to be really strong and keep calm but I'm a ticking time bomb. It would be good to find some people with the same issues to support each other.

My partner suffers from CPTSD and now our family is struggling

replies: 10

From before we were even together I knew my wife had suffered trauma. She was in a horrific car accident at 14, and when we started dating, she had just left a short but supposedly violent marriage, and her mother had passed from cancer. My wife was her primary carer and watched her deteriorate. Just before she turned 40, my wife told me she was sexually abused by her older brother while she was a child. At the start of this year she revealed that she had had a consensual sexual encounter with the guy who was the best man at our wedding whilst I was recovering from lower back surgery. Further discussion about this has lead to my belief it would have more accurately have been called rape. She did what he wanted and felt disassociated during the act. She was diagnosed with CPTSD in April. She forwarded me a letter of formal diagnosis from the psychologist she has been seeing, and the formal wording accurately describes the behaviours that have been exhibited from early on in our marriage and have slowly escalated over time. Hyper-vigilance; emotional dysregulation, interpersonal difficulties, dissociative symptoms, and negative self-esteem. I had thought it was just really bad anxiety, and had been asking her to seek help for years. She was reluctant to do that - her reasoning was that she had been treated badly by Psychiatrists after her car accident and didn’t trust them. So I did what I thought I was supposed to do and hung in there. I have been trying to access family counseling with someone who is strong in PTSD since the diagnosis, but they are few, and demand is high. I have managed to secure an appointment in early February. Until then, we just have to hang on. My personal Psychiatrist tells me to have no expectations of might might be achieved. We are all struggling and his advice, while probably honest, doesn’t give much hope. Maybe I’m just looking for someone who has come through similar and out the other side intact.

Husband porn relapse

replies: 11

Hi all, About 3 years ago I found some messages on my husbands phone and it unravelled that he had a porn addiction which had moved to IMing random people. I was devestated and we worked with a counsellor to move through it and he went to see someone regularly to keep on top of his addiction. Today I found new messages while using his laptop and confronted him. He told me he relapsed 6months ago and was too ashamed to tell me. I'm not sure what to do now. He's called his therapist and rang our counsellor to make a time with her, but last time I said I couldn't do this again. Was I being unreasonable thinking he wouldn't relapse?

Supporting a partner depression and possible BPD

replies: 1

Hello i have been supporting (trying) my wife through depression and anxiety for over 6 years now. To be honest I think I have been a very bad carer not knowing much about her mental health issues and not understanding what my role is . I am trying to learn more and more by the day so I can get better. Recently I have strongly started to suspect that her illness maybe depression anxiety and possible bpd. I have read number Of articles And believe I can very much relate to the symptoms and feelings of bpd carers. My wife sometimes does mention self harm even though I think she uses it as a threat I am not sure if I should be taking it seriously or not. We have recently started to see a family councellor and I am not sure if I should tell the councellor about these threats. I am a bit nervous that if my partner finds out about it how she will react to me disclosing this and also her trust would be broken. Any help would be greatly appreciated . Also I feel like I am being blamed for everything in these sessions like any carer would be able to relate to. Are counselling sessions of any help at all or will have have to just accept all blame. I feel like if I tell my side of the story it always turns into an argument . I feel like my partner is so convincing That I end up looking like the partner who is solely at fault. I even find more of her facts highly exaggerated .Look forward to any advice . Thank you

My (very recent) depressed ex wants me to live with her as friends

replies: 6

A few days ago my ex really spiralled with her mental health, and started shutting everyone out, including me. This happened after an argument, and it felt like she hated me. I finally got a hold of her the next day (we bought a house together and I stayed at my parents house), and she told me to come back to the house to meet her. I did, and she told me she can't do a relationship right now, that the depression is taking up all her energy and she isn't capable of supporting someone else's needs. She said it wasn't my fault and that maybe in the future we can get back together. Obviously this hurt a lot, but I love her unconditionally and gave her the space she needed. Fast forward to the next day, my mum calls me and says that my ex would like me to live with her as friends, and that she doesn't want to leave the house. This is where I'm torn, I'd do anything to get her back, but knowing that this may be a cry for help and the fact that there is a chance I could help her get through this, even if it means putting her feelings first, makes me want to do it. I think I'll regret it if I don't try. Any feedback or opinions would be greatly appreciated

Daughter self harmed, could she be copying her friends behaviours?

replies: 2

Hi my 11 year has had a difficult year so far, she is in year 6, most of her friends are 12 to13 in class due to the cut off in age in May. they all start year 7 next year and moving schools. I am divorced but her father and I get on reasonaby well, my mum lives with my daughter and I. I don't have any orther chidren or a partner. My ex- is a good father when he is sober, he has struggled with addiction and mental health his whole life, but to his credit he is always trying to get better. Until this year my daughter was not really aware of his illnesses, but as you would know the older they get its harder to hide. We both had very age appropiate conversations about his struggles after my ex-had a lapse this year and crashed the car with her, luckily nothing happened. My ex is getting help and doing well managing his recovery. I work in mental health and addiction too, but of course when dealing with this issues in your own home is always hard. Last year and this year my daughter got closer to a new group of friends, one of them had a gender change (from girl to boy) and struggles with a lot of family issues, self harming significantly and also childhood trauma, sexual abuse. My daughter shared this with me and I became very concerned as she seemed to feel the need to help her friend who she said cared for very much. I asked her to always tell me if she became concerned about her friend and to also be careful and not get to involved, I explained that children her age should not have to deal with such heavy topics and that her friend was getting help from Social work services and her parents. Over the past 4 months she seemed to get even closer and borderline obsessed with helping and being friends with this child, I made attempts to talk to her as I was noticing she was becoming withdrawn, sad and anxious, I let her know I was here and explained that she needed to put some emotional distance from her friend as I could see it affecting her. I found notes in her room of dreams she was having about this child self harming and being suicidal. This week another friend at school had been doing some self harmed with razers and this was very ditressing to her and her other friend. I called the school and my daughter also spoke to the school counsellor. Yesterday I found she had also tried to cut herself on her hand and wrist.I told her teacher so he is aware and I've made an appt with a Psychologist, but appt is a few weeks away. Need some advice please

Supporting autistic child’s emotional needs

replies: 9

Hi everyone, I’m new here. I’m Jess, mama to one little boy with (undiagnosed) autism. We’ve started the assessment process but thanks to covid it’s been difficult to continue. Long post warning. My son is 4, and he’s having a hard time at daycare. And I’m just at a loss on how to help him. He’s been at daycare for 18 months or so, has always been great at drop off, and suddenly he’s distraught when he knows he has to go. He was sick and missed a few weeks and once he was well enough to go back, that’s when it all started. I think he just got comfortable being at home? But it’s been 5 or so weeks of this now and he’s just not improving. Once he settles in, he has a great day but the minute he wakes up and see’s my work uniform he’s upset. He cries the whole morning, cries on the drive there, and I often have to carry him in while he fights and screams that he wants to go home. I don’t know what to do anymore. He’s verbal, but doesn’t communicate super well. When I ask why he doesn’t want to go, he just says ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I stay at mummy’s house’. I’ve questioned the educators, wondering if he’s had an incident with another child. Wondering if maybe he was scared of someone? But there’s been nothing. I can’t handle the upset anymore, my anxiety is through the roof whenever I have to work, and I’m out of ideas. I try to stay calm and gentle with him and show positive reinforcement but nothing is working. His dad is also finding it difficult and has started to yell and tell him to stop it, which doesn’t help at all so now we’re starting to fight because of it. I just wish he could understand or explain to me why he doesn’t want to go. If you’ve read this far, thank you. I appreciate it. I just don’t know how to help him and I’m feeling so lost.

Helping my 73yo Dad with possible Diogenes Syndrome (Living in filth with a bit of hoarding)

replies: 6

Dad is 73 yo Viet Vet w depression, anxiety & chronic pain. He lives on his own in our rental property. We’ve noticed he makes excuses for us to not go over there, or get beyond the front door. He comes to our place for dinners (weekly/fortnightly). We knew he had clutter & was having trouble with housework, but we were oblivious to the real problems. He has refused to get a cleaner so assumed he was ok. A few days ago he had a leaky shower. Our plumber couldn’t get there, so hubby went to look at it. I went to measure a few things, because we’re planning on selling the place soon. We were completely shocked by the filth. The clutter we knew was there - not quite as bad as hoarders you see on tv, but bad enough. The floors were really filthy. The kitchen floor full of old food spills. The place full of mould & his bed sheets hadn’t been changed in years - there was mould & cobwebs on his pillows. I felt sick. We didn’t say much to Dad, I measured, my hubby fixed the taps & we headed off to our next stop, telling Dad we’d see him next weekend. I don’t know if Dad even realises just how bad his house is. Dad went into a bit of a panic when we told him a few weeks ago that we’d decided to sell, so we’ve since made a plan to build a cottage on our property for him. He’s been involved in the design of it & we’ve started the process with the builder. It is a much smaller place than he’s in right now & he agrees, he has a lot of stuff to sort through. But, he just wants to put it in storage for now to sort later. We would like to help him in any way we can. This cottage will be brand new, so we’re going to start off on the right foot with him & have our cleaner who comes weekly to clean his place for him. We’ll change/wash his bed sheets every weekend, so he doesn’t end up living in that filthy state again. He is such a proud man; I’m certain he’s embarrassed. Does anyone have any advice or stories to share that would be helpful in trying to help him & make the transition smooth, without literally freaking him out. We want to buy him a new fridge & bed, because his are literally covered in mould, but I want to handle it all delicately. I’ve been reading this isn’t as straight forward as moving him to a new place with new stuff. We can see now that this has been going on for a while, but because he’s always clean when we see him, we simply had no idea! I feel that it has all just been brought on by physical incapacity through chronic pain & depression & anxiety.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

"Toxic" friendships and boundaries. replies: 4

Caring difficulties - When someone refuses your help replies: 5

Trouble coping - Early Onset Alzheimers replies: 6

My partner suffers from CPTSD and now our family is struggling replies: 10

Husband porn relapse replies: 11

Supporting a partner depression and possible BPD replies: 1

My (very recent) depressed ex wants me to live with her as friends replies: 6

Daughter self harmed, could she be copying her friends behaviours? replies: 2

Supporting autistic child’s emotional needs replies: 9

Helping my 73yo Dad with possible Diogenes Syndrome (Living in filth with a bit of hoarding) replies: 6