Trapped in relationship and desperately seeking help *Trigger warning*

[Exhaustedmummaof3]

I am posting here for the first time, so my apologies if I have not done this correctly.
I don’t even know where to start - in the words of the psychologist that I have just started seeing, “this is extremely complicated”...... I am the wife of a man who suffers from severe depression. We have three little amazing children aged 3,5 and 8.
The severe nature of his depression has only evolved in its extremity in the last 3 years. He has had two 6 week hospitalisations in the last 2 years as a result of wanting to take his life...... the last one only a few months ago and the kids saw him being wheeled out to the ambulance......We all have experienced so much trauma as a result of his illness. I spend my waking hours advocating for mental health and the importance of prevention over cure in an attempt to provide a more positive pathway through life for my kids and the kids in my care. I have written to politicians, I have pleaded with government authorities and I have been faced with nothing but silence...........I walk on eggshells daily, hourly, I can’t speak without my words being manipulated in to to a self serving darkness. My voice is not heard, will never be heard as a result of the illness that plagues my husbands mind. I am not allowed to feel, to exist, to speak freely as the consequence is that my husband will take his life..... how do I explain that to my children...? I am trapped in what feels like a garbage compactor, I am being squeezed tighter and tighter into a space where whatever way I turn, trauma exists....... I understand his illness and I have been there for him for the last 12 years, through the lies, the job losses, the trauma and yet, still, here I stand, unwavering........ although now, I am tired... I am scared......I no longer have a voice, an identity. He is a beautiful father and a man who so desperately wanted children and a life that he never had..... I don’t think he loves me though, I don’t know if he ever did.... I guess I am desperate to find someone who understands what we are going through, what it’s like to be the family, the spouse of someone who has such severe depression..... I feel so very alone and all I do is just try to protect my precious babies from any more trauma related to the possibility of losing their dad... I also don’t honestly know how much longer I can keep going in a relationship where I feel so incredibly trapped....I am grateful for any advice.... thank you

[Sophie_M]

Hi Exhaustedmummaof3,

We're so glad that you reached out to our friendly online community tonight. It sounds like it's been an exhausting few years. You have shown so much strength, loyalty, and love in this time. We hope that you can feel proud of yourself for all you have done for your family. 

It sounds like you've been providing a lot of care for others over the last few years. We know when you are using so much of your time and energy caring for others, it can be hard to find the capcity to care for yourself. Please know that you are valuable, and deserving of all the same love and care that you have been providing for your family. You might be interested in our page "Looking after yourself while supporting someone" -  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself

We're so sorry to hear how alone and trapped you are feeling. Can we ask if you have any other family, or friends for support? It's so important to reach out to others. It might be helpful to join a support group to try and build a social network in your area. if you don't have one yet.​ ​​You can find information on support groups available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

Additionally, if are not currently accessing mental health support for yourself, and you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We hear that you are primarily looking to hear from others who can relate to your situation - hopefully a few of our members will be by in the next few days to welcome you and relate. In the meantime, you might be interested in looking through some of the recent threads in this Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers) section of the forums. 

[Exhaustedmummaof3]

Thank you so much for the links and for your kind words ❤️I do have help from my beautiful mum and dad- without them I would be struggling even more. It’s strange that although I have my parents and my kids (and I go to work 4 days a week as I am the breadwinner) I still feel incredibly alone and isolated. I think it is because although those around me try to understand my life and mental illness, they have never been through anything remotely close to this. I don’t know anyone at all who is the spouse of someone who is extremely mentally unwell. I guess that’s why in desperation, I am reaching out here, in these forums....thank you again ❤️