My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

[Bulletin_Board_Archive]

Originally posted by:Karen on 27 April 2011

My husband has been depressed now for as long as I can remember and after 8 years together, this morning I feel as though I can't hang on any longer. He is withdrawn from everything, he goes to work, comes home, goes for a walk, has 2 beers and goes to bed. On weekends he will never do anything with me. Our intimacy has vanished and usually I am so upset I sleep in the other room. I've tried to explain to him for the past two years that we need to spend 'quality time' together regularly or even occasionally if we are stay connected as a couple and he says understands but then continues to refuse to go anywhere with me. I have nursed him back to health many times, I make sure he has his vitamins & good meals, I have helped him reduce his drinking dramatically but for the past few years I have not been able to connect with my husband emotionally as he is shutdown all the time and stonewalls me. He won't see a doctor, won't take medication and I know if I leave him, he will just say he is a failure at marriage and get worse but living with a man with depression is a living hell for the wife too. I do feel selfish sometimes but I feel like I deserve a life and after searching for many years to find a loving husband now I have lost him to depression, it's just not fair. I feel like, if I stay, I will soon be plagued with depression also. If I go, my husband may harm himself. I just live in this limbo day after day and we have the same arguments week after week. We are financially bankrupt and have lost everything, we don't earn enough money to even pay our bills so he everyday he gets deeper into the depression plus my husband's father is dying of prostate cancer yet I still get angry and frustrated with him. My husband's nephew committed suicide 2 years ago and I now think its a family disposition which worries me even more. I just don't know what to do to break this cycle.

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[Bulletin_Board_Archive]

Originally posted by: David Charles on 12 May 2012

Dear Mel Rae, Congratulations on your pregnancy after 7 yrs of trying. I'm not sure about this but a depressed husband "failing" to get you pregnant for that long..........just saying, it's a lot of pressure. I'm not able to be included in many family situations due to my own bipolar and my wife just gets on with it by taking another friend, her mother (if it's a school concert), etc. The extended family never expect me to join in but I have good separate relationships with all but one brother-in-law. The phrase "force" doesn't sit right. Maybe "choice" is better. Infact sometimes I get more annoyed/depressed if I'm not given the choice. Even though ultimately the answer would have been "No !". Having a (I assume) non working depressed husband also means your expected child will benefit from having 2 parents at home on a regular basis. And kids don't "expect" or "force" parents in the same way - they are more resiliant. Building up resentment towards a depressed partner due to non involvement can only lead to his own increased resentment. You might be better just accepting the situation as best you can. Adios, David.

[nb]

Dear Karen,

I came across your post whilst doing an internet search 3 years after you wrote it. Your words touched me. I felt like I understood part of your struggle with your husband's depression and how it was destroying your marriage. I felt your anguish and desperation when all your attempts to try to help him hadn't worked. I understood how after years of trying you eventually thought of leaving but were plagued with guilt and felt a duty to care for him. You warmed my heart when despite all your pain you refused to blame him and continued to encourage him, eventually having to insist that he seek help. I think you handled things wonderfully.

I say this as a husband and father who has suffered with depression for many years. My search was to try and find advice on how best to support my wife through the same struggle that you described. Like your husband I have found it hard to explain what I go through. I've been emotionally distant and withdrawn. I've seen my wife desperately try to help me and although I've wanted help my behaviour has not always shown it. I've not understood why and have loathed myself more for causing her such pain. I've wished her free of the suffering I've caused her and have had thoughts of ending my life with the (mistaken) intention of saving my family more pain. I've believed that everyone's lives would be better off without me.

Depression is a debilitating thing. It sucks the meaning and enjoyment out of life and leaves no explanation. I believe part of the reason that people like me withdraw is the shame that we can feel. It's hard to make any sense of these negative feelings to other people or even oneself. How I've wished I understood why I feel as I do sometimes so I can give a coherent explanation to my wife and the others who try their best to support me. I've felt so guilty about how my depression has affected my wife. To add to things, I've even blamed her unfairly at times. At times I feel I've become all that I despise and it's horrible.

I guess there are some common themes with Depression including self-loathing, helplessness and withdrawal. You seem to have had good insight into what was happening for your husband. I imagine that must have made it even more painful when you couldn't help. However I think you did. I think by showing him love and encouraging him to get professional help was the right thing. My wife did the same for me and I am getting better. I only wish it was easier on her.

With love, NB

[Gibbo_KLC]

Hi Karen - I could related to a lot in your original post - I am wondering how you are going now - three years later? Are you still in the marriage? Has anything changed for you?