Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Struggling to support someone you love

replies: 4

Hi everyone! Last month, Paul started a thread for feedback about "Is your partner supportive of your Anxiety/Depression" which had great comments from both carer's/loved ones & sufferers. At the time, I had just discovered my now ex-partner (who suffers from PTSD, depression & anxiety) was leading a double life. He has been completely in denial about his actions, his responsibilities to me, our relationship and his mental health. Although I am now over the initial shock, the hurt just sits so deep within & I am struggling with my own overwhelming emotions. While I understand the way he behaves (currently reading an amazing book regarding trauma & it's effect on the brain) and can feel compassion towards him & the pain he is dealing (or maybe NOT dealing) with, I won't condone his behaviour. I am struggling at the loss of our relationship, his lies, the anger, the inability to even consider how his actions have affected me, his selfishness, the goading of "hate me, hate me" & the guilt I feel over not being able to get him the help he needs. I am also really concerned about his current well-being & dread the possibility of getting the call to say he has taken his life, a threat he has often made & in times when he is ok, we have discussed the impact this act would have on those who love him. I have ceased any contact with him as I just can no longer take anymore of his darkness on board. Close friends who are aware of his mental health struggles are keeping check on him. I am focusing on looking after my own well-being & am currently struggling with what emotion to deal with first, it is such a roller-coaster. Some days, I feel like I can no longer put the "brave" face on anymore when underneath, I am falling apart. I would really value experiences & comments from both sides on this particular thread, a shared experience will increase understanding for all involved. The impact that mental health has on everyone is monumental. It is hard to see someone you love suffer so deeply and it is really hard making (and sticking) with the decision to walk away because there is absolutely nothing more you can do, ultimately, the responsibility lies with him. Thanks for listening! xx

2 and a half year cycle

replies: 1

Hello everyone I just want to tell my story as its been eating me up inside for years, back in 2014 my partner took ill and started having trouble eating where the only thing that he has had consistantly is a hospital protein drink which due to not having any other types of food has lost body mass and every time he seemed to be getting better he would relapse and start vomiting up his food and complain of thick mucus, I hate seeing him like this I'm depressed and feel hopeless over what to do and I can only imagine how depressed he is, it's put a strain on everything in our lives I'm 27 and I had to stop my studies to help him and now I just feel too bummed out to do anything like I am in limbo.

Depressed Partner Has Shut Me Out - Where to go from here?

replies: 1

Hi, I have been with my partner for 2 years and to me everything is great within our relationship. The connection has always felt very strong and I love him a lot. We do not live together, he still lives at home with his parents for financial reasons. Throughout our relationship there have been five occasions where he has shut down and I have not seen him for 3 - 5 days. He has had some bad things go on in his life with a brother having cancer and understandably he struggles a lot with this. When he gets very down and shuts down he says things like "there is nothing good in my life" and has a very negative outlook towards life. He brother is still fighting the cancer and 3 weeks ago he found out 2 more members have a type of cancer. Since then he has become more and more distant from me. He has not made any effort to see me. I would keep asking when i am seeing him and he would just say he has to work and put me off. So after not seeing him for two weeks i was getting frustrated and not understanding why he is acting like he doesn't want to see me. I asked via text if it bothered him that we hadn't seen each other and does he miss me. He said he understands my frustrations and has been busy with work and has a lot of stuff on his mind (his family and work). He came around a couple of days later and was very cold and didn't seem to be himself. He looked withdrawn in his face. He was coming around to break up with me. He said "i deserved better" and that he didn't know how long he was going to be like this. He says he has been this way since he was a kid and shuts people out when things are on his mind. He seems to know this isn't normal and i mentioned that it sounds like depression. He said he was too proud to get any help. I said how good our connection was and that there were no problems within our relationship and that i was willing to work on it with him. That when he shuts me out that i take it personally and I need to know when he needs space for other reasons. He told me that maybe we should just have a break so he can sort out whats going on in his head. It has now been a week and there has been no contact and its killing me, I miss him so much. I am so confused as to how the love/connection we had can just disappear like this for no reason to do with us. Is it just the depression? Should i just give up and walk away? Or should i stay and wait until he comes out of this and try and help him/sort things out?

How do I support but not interfere?

replies: 7

I'm having some questions about supporting my son who has depression. He is on medication and seems to mostly be doing ok...as long as he takes the medication. He often forgets and it soon becomes obvious that he has missed. I think he believes he is fine to miss a day or two, but then he can spiral and begin to dislike having to take the tablets and things can get pretty black. We agreed that I should give him his tablets for a while, but he wanted to be more independent (which is what I want too) so he puts them in a day pack and I can see whether he has missed or not. He is going to work away for 3 months and he will have to look after this on his own. I am worried but support him going off to work. He really resents me asking about his tablets, but I am scared about what can happen when he doesn't take his medication. Does anyone have any advice. I am hoping he will manage this on his own, but not sure if just leaving it to him is the answer. I'm too scared of what might happen.

I am in my final year of law and my partner is bi polar type 2

replies: 2

I am two weeks out from my exams and only 8 units left till I graduate. I have been with my partner for 2 years. We are engaged and live together. He was first diagnosed with bipolar type 2 fifteen years ago. He self medicates; an anti-depressent and mood stabiliser but rarely has psychotherapy. I too suffer from mental illness, major depression which has turned into the occasional psychotic break triggered by drugs and/or alcohol. You must be thinking what are you doing, you're relationship is doomed - get out now. Or maybe that is what I am telling myself. The last 6 months have been fine aside from the odd up and down but this last two weeks I have felt him withdrawing, seething unfounded resentment toward me, flying off the handle at me, abusive even physically abusive one time - that being enough to make me get in the car and stay with my mum for two nights. Now I am home again but despite him trying to be kind and warm, I know it is just a facade because as soon as I stop pretending everything is fine and the white elephant in the room is there, he flies off the handle. To his defence, he is trying and admits that he is not well. We are both from Sydney originally but now live on the Gold Coast. He does have a Psychotherapist (not a Psychiatrist) in Sydney and has said he will fly down for a session. Whether he will - who knows. I have been in this place before and I tell myself it will pass, but every time it happens, that he gets like this, I fear that he won't come out and I won't get him back. I feel like I 'm walking around with a knot in my chest, I can't focus on my notes or the legislation or case I am supposed to read. All I want to do is run but I don't want to abandon him because I love him. I can see he is trying but he just can't fight the thoughts that are running through his mind...

His depression leaves me feeling unloved

replies: 5

My partner is an amazing man. In the last 12 months I noticed a change in his personality he was withdrawn had lost his lust for life his sex drive and was easily angered I tried hard to make him happy and too his credit he never blamed me. He was self aware enough to admit he didn't feel himself and agreed to get help. He has been diagnosed with depression and is seeing a therapist and in a lot of ways is improving . I do what I can to help . I listen . I comfort him when he is down . I spend all day thinking gestures I can do to show him he is loved. it is natural I love him and I want to take care of him I have taken over the daily duties both domestic and administrative to leave him with minimal pressures. the problem is since he has been depessed he has become obsessive with this idea I am going to leave him for someone else, or just leave. It is almost all he says to me. he doesn't just say it , he chants it. he will chant " you want out. you want out " over and over at me. I will tell him no I don't and reassure him but he won't stop. if my phone gets a message he will say " Oh no ! " as if to indicate it is another man . I tell him over this hurts me and he says it isn't that he doesn't trust me it's " just the depression" but it can get so unrelenting and full on I often find myself exhausted emotionally , hurt and worn down , begging him to stop and crying my eyes out. when this happens mostly he just gets mad that I'm upset. tonight for example .he wouldn't stop saying that I " didn't want in this " eventually I broke down into uncontrollable sobbing. he kept saying " I'm sorry ok , now stop putting on a show for the neighbours " and "I said sorry now be quiet so I can sleep I have work " he was then mad at me for not feeling better. I asked if he could just hold or comfort me and he said no the depression wouldn't allow him to do that. so now he is asleep and I have been trying to silently cry next to him feeling physical pain inside that a man I constantly put first doesn't care when he hurts me i can't turn to my parents as they will judge him badly and a lot of my friends are closely tied in with his so I would not betray his confidence by talking to them A lot of this is made worse by the fact that he is also rarely affectionate with me anymore and he used to be very loving . I feel abandoned and like I don't matter. It hurts that I put so much effort into giving him love and no one is giving me much love back

stuck overseas as a carer, feeling isolated

replies: 12

Hi, I am new to this forum, so here goes. My husband had been working overseas in SE Asia for the last 2 years, based inMalaysia but spending about 3out of 4 weeks travelling, coming back to Oz.when he could for brief trips, usually tied in with business. I have had several trips over there. Early Jan. this year he went back to Malaysia, but after 3 sleepless nights, he rang me to say just wanted to get on a plane back to Oz, which he did. Saw a great psychologist who diagnosed him with severe stress and anxiety. He stayed in Oz. for Jan. and most of Feb, (tried to go to Bangkok early Feb, but relapsed and I went over there and we came back to Oz. after 2 days). We went back to Malaysia in March, I took 5 weeks carers leave (nurse). A job came up inOz. which he applied for and got, starts 1st June. When I went back to Oz. beginning of April he came also for work, then back to Malaysia. He lasted 2 nights on his own before another panic attack, so now I am back over in Malaysia on more carers leave. He is doing okay, meditating daily and exercising, (apart from the first few days which were rough for both of us) . We have 2 more weeks in Malaysia before we leave for good, husband already has a psychologist appt. lined up. I think I'm doing okay, exercising, doing relaxing things. I live stream classical music which is wonderfully relaxing when home. Just putting this post out as I feel very isolated here, away from work and friends. I do have a couple of friends inOz I can ring if needed, but don't like to ring them too often.Plan to get some counselling when back in Oz. Any suggestions of supports when I get back to Oz appreciated, or stategies for next 2 weeks, thanks.

Depressed partner won't get help!

replies: 3

Hi allMy boyfriend has been depressed for the last two years or so and last night I caught him in a very big lie - he told me he was going to play games with a friend but instead I went to the theatre I suspected he was at and caught them walking out of the theatre together. He told me there is nothing romantic going on, and I, either foolishly or not, believe him. But he lied about this 'as he didn't want to hurt me'.He came home and we had a massive chat. He advised he feels nothing. At all. Doesn't feel for me, doesn't want to see his daughter anymore, nothing. He is in chronic pain from a back injury and undiagnosed stomach pain. Says he wakes up every morning wishing he was dead. Doesn't understand why I stay with him. Feels everything in his life is crap because of him. Now doesn't believe he is depressed because 'if I was I would have got over it already'. He is just very numb and doesn't know how to keep going. Kept it from me how bad he was doing because his depression has affected me. I have anxiety now, but I am in therapy and managing the initial causes.Through our discussion last night I basically laid out to him he needs to do something about the depression. Can't just wake up every mmorning hoping it had suddenly gone. I want him on anti depressants. I want him to try more than one therapy session.He doesn't believe in doctors because they haven't been able to resolve his stomach pains after all these years. Thinks anti depressants will make him into a different person, a zombie state. Thinks the one therapy session made everything worse. Is annoyed his new job didn't fix it, our efforts to keep our relationship healthy aren't helping etc etc. All of these make him think he is a bad person who isn't worth my time and love?How can I encourage him that since the last time he was on meds (over 10 years ago) that things have changed. That yes, they might make things worse before they kickin but I will be here to support him through that. That talking about it will do more good than keeping silent and hoping that the next morning it will all suddenly be gone?Im at my wits end. I feel I can't trust what he tells me now. I am suspicious of the discussions he is having with this female friend, whether she is supporting him Brough this or just telling him he is better being alone (she has relationship issues, thinks they are worthless).This has thrown me something shocking. I don't know how to move forward.

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

replies: 19

Hi Everyone and any New Posters are very welcome! I have noticed some new threads from people with depression/anxiety who have a partner that has little or no tolerance/understanding of their illness. I have been treated like I have a highly contagious virus when I mention to a partner that I have Depression/Anxiety. I just want wanted to know if anyone else has or is being treated the same way...(FYI... I have had Anxiety/Depression since 1983...The anxiety has faded away and the Depression has been around since 2000...and will be with me for life) Kind Thoughts Paul

Helping husband when he doesn't want help

replies: 4

Hi, I need some advice, I am posting here because I haven't spoken to anyone about this (Because hubby has asked me not to) and I figure it's ok being anonymous here. basically he has suffered from different degrees of depression his whole life, plus he has had to put up with my post natal depression (twice). He lost his mother nearly 4 years ago and was close to her and understandably took it very hard. Over the past couple of years he has developed fear that he constantly smells of faeces. It started when he started a new job and has bad anxiety and had the runs that day and decided that everyone could smell him and they were all laughing at him. He left that job completely for that reason and got another job where he travels to different work sites. He is convinced that everyone is laughing at him and talking behind his back, so much so that he abuses them about it sometimes. it has taken over his life! He doesn't come to our children's school activities because he can't be in a room with other people, we don't go out anywhere.. Even to the shops! He get bad anxiety and starts sweating and getting upset.He has been to the doctor on my insistence because I have a feeling he was very close to something dangerous. The doctor put him on anti depressants and a mental health plan. I thought the medication was working a bit, not heaps but a bit. But he refused to go to the psychologist because he had to work.He missed two appointments so they have cancelled all others. His attitude is that they won't help him anyway, how will they stop the smell?! Every day he asks if he smells and I tell him he doesn't (the truth) but he doesn't listen. Even if one of the kids say they can smell something he freaks out He is having another very bad low time now, he tried to stop his medications saying they don't help but I made him take it and he is saying he can't live like this Its getting close to his mothers anniversary of her death, you always feel it coming when it starts getting colder. I don't know if this is what is contributing to his excessive low but I just don't know what to do. i told him last night if he got to bad I'd ring the ambulance to take him but he said he wouldn't go and would go for a walk and never come back..i need help, I can't cope. I have bad depression myself and am on antidepressants and to be completely truthful self medicate with pain pills when I have days I can't cope (which no one knows about)what do I do? please help

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Struggling to support someone you love replies: 4

2 and a half year cycle replies: 1

Depressed Partner Has Shut Me Out - Where to go from here? replies: 1

How do I support but not interfere? replies: 7

I am in my final year of law and my partner is bi polar type 2 replies: 2

His depression leaves me feeling unloved replies: 5

stuck overseas as a carer, feeling isolated replies: 12

Depressed partner won't get help! replies: 3

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety? replies: 19

Helping husband when he doesn't want help replies: 4