Friend with Severe Depression/Anxiety

[Blondie22]

Thank you so much for creating these forums.

I am hoping someone can help me please. Over the last few years, I have had a very strong friendship with an interstate person who suffers from severe depression and anxiety. Recently he went off a load of medication by going into rehab, and is struggling with the side effects of such a rapid reduction, in addition to that he has other physical aliments.

We have always been very close (at one stage there was a romantic interest - but nothing occurred) , he leans on me for a lot of support although it is mainly via the phone or email. In the past, I have had telephone conversations with his counsellor. There is a lot of communication going on in terms of how depressed he is and he is losing hope. I know that his counsellor is helping through this, but I believe I am also a "leaning post" for me, and he does hope that one day a romantic interest will develop.

My question is this: During the past few months, I have formed a strong relationship with someone else (We are yet to met - he is also interstate!!!). My problem is this:

I feel that if I tell either of them about each other, it will cause the person with depression to feel totally abandoned (he suffers from abandonment issues), yet if I don't tell the person who I recently met that I am chatting to this guy, he too will feel betrayed.

As I result, I am now beginning to loose confidence and develop anxiety, and feel as though I am betraying them both, yet if I tell the person with depression that I have met someone else and only wish to remain close friends, this will cause him to slide even more.

What should I do that is in the best interest for all of us.

Thanks

[JessF]

Hello Blondie22, it is very difficult to be a support for someone from afar, let alone their primary support, and it sounds like you are putting yourself in that position. It is not something I would recommend even if you didn't have another romantic interest on the horizon and your boundaries around that with your friend were somewhat blurred.

Your friend needs support people that he can call and see in person, particularly if he is very unwell at the moment. Relying on someone so far away is only ever going to result in disappointment and his needs not being met.

As for your concern at sparing his feelings, if you are a friend then you will need to be totally honest with what is going on in your life. Imagine if he does have romantic feelings for you still and then finds out later that you've been seeing someone. The betrayal, particualrly for someone with abandonment issues, will be intolerable. A genuine friendship is built on honesty, not on walking on eggshells, especially whena person is unwell. If you are close friends, he will know you are withholding, will sense it, and it will make his anxiety worse anyhow.

Will it make him worse? I don't know, but this is not your responsibility. You are not his carer. And regardless, it is the truth and he will have to deal with it.

I'm not sure why you have been speaking to his counsellor (this is highly unusual), unless your friend has given the counsellor permission and has given the counsellor the impression that you are some sort of primary support person. You cannot play this role, and I would take no further part in these conversations. You are not family, and I personally don't believe it is appropriate.

I think you should be the best friend you can be but recognise the limits of where you are (literally) and what support you can feasibly provide for your friend.

[Blondie22]

Thank you very much for your valuable advise.

I believe a full and honest conversation, will further deflate his already fragile self worth, but as you say it is in everyone's best interest that I have that conversation, and yes it is for him to deal with.

Having lost a boyfriend (over 30) years ago to suicide, I always fear that I would be "responsible" if this were to occur, but I also know that it was not my fault and nor will it be my fault when it comes to suicide.

He did give permission for his counsellor to speak with me (as he often found that an easier route), but it also sounds unhealthy and I am getting too involved in something that I should not be involved with.

I will have to be brave enough to have that conversation and not have any feelings of guilt. I am more than happy to be friends with him - but nothing else. As you say, I am ultimately "cheating" on everyone by keeping quiet and most of all will shed my feelings of dishonestly and guilt if I have the conversation.

Thank you so much - depression is an awful illness, and I am grateful that I am only a friend and not the person suffering from this debilitating illness.

[JessF]

Hello Blondie, that experience with your boyfriend must have shattered your world, I can see why you would still be so worried even years later about saying or doing the wrong thing with someone you care about who is depressed. But yes, you are right, you are not responsible and he is in professional care - that's the main thing. It sounds like you've realised that inserting yourself into this process is taking on more responsibility than is wise.

It will be a difficult conversation, yes, but I'm sure you will find a way to have it in a caring and compassionate way. Having been on the receiving end of these kinds of conversations from men who were less than up front with me, I would have preferred the band aid to be ripped off quickly and cleanly every single time rather than the vagueness that resulted. Wanting to spare feelings is noble, but it can be unintentionally cruel. Best of luck and please let us know how it goes.

[Blondie22]

Thank you for your understanding, strange how in general circumstances people deem me to be "Dutch" in my approach - very direct, but with empathy and compassion.

Something about this worries me - I guess it is the "what if" game, but he does have a counsellor who he sees 3x a week and has been doing so for nearly 20 years and she knows me well. I am sure she will guide him through the process, and hopefully not contact me. I also have no doubt that the reduction in his medication and ECT treatment is impacting on him more than previously, but I guess on paper that is not my concern - internally in my heart it is.

Once, I have this conversation, then I simply need to let it go and not let it "invade" my thoughts. I would love to simply be friends with him, but somehow I do not see that occurring from his end.

Tough, tough illness - for him to be in counselling for nearly 20 is very, very sad, and shows how consuming this illness is. I am grateful that I do not suffer from it.

[JessF]

It does sound like a very severe depression if he has been being treated with ECT. The "what ifs" can be very powerful, and it can be hard to let go of these thoughts. Did you ever have any counselling after your boyfriend died?

[Blondie22]

Hi Jess,

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your kind message that you took the time to send. I believe the ECT was the last "resort" as nothing else was working especially after being with a counsellor 3x a week for over 20 years.

I did not seek counselling after my boyfriend committed suicide - it was back in 1987 so a very long time ago!, but I guess all these things linger in our subconscious.

Since I last wrote to you, I have noticed that things that I would "normally" be able to work though, I am finding it very hard to "work though" and have been told to "that it could be worse, and people would love my life" That is very true - but sometimes it is hard for even the most resilient of us to love our loves and be grateful.

I have still not been brave enough to have that conversation with my friend, we communicate but it is pretty basic and I do not believe that I am leading him astray with any romantic intentions. I know - it is wrong, seems everything that I am doing is not very good.

Thanks for your time... as they say "it could be worse and I need to keep that in mind"

[JessF]

Hello Blondie, nice to see you back. It sounds like you have some stresses of your own at the moment, which shouldn't be minimised. I don't believe it's helpful when people say things like "look how bad others have it". While it's technically true that you can always imagine a scenario where someone is "worse off" than you (this is where people often come up with things like, thing of all the starving people etc), those thoughts don't help you to deal with your current situation. In fact, they just make it worse by ladling guilt on top.

Let's focus on you for a bit, as it sounds like you need this. What are some of the issues you're finding it hard to work through at themoment?

[Blondie22]

Thanks for your support :-).

I grew up with the mindset that "things could be worse". If I try and talk to family/friends that tell me the same things. My main "problems" that I am working through at the moment are:

1. I have been trying to find work now for nearly 2 years. I have extensive experience, I know that my approach when it comes to applying for jobs/interviews etc is always positive when meeting with either recruitment agencies or prospective employers. BUT, I am kinda over the fact that despite all of that, I cannot find work. I therefore am losing value in myself, and when I try to talk to my friends/family they say to me "You not the only one looking" This I know, and I also know that I am fortunate from a financial sense (at least right now) but funds are sinking.

2. I have sick family members, when I expressed to a friend that I was hurting about them (they live overseas), she told me that I am "not the only one who has sick people in my life" and "I am too wrapped up". This keeps on playing in my head in terms of now feeling guilty that I brought up sick people in my life when she also has people in her life who are not well (that I was not aware of) and she said that I put myself first!. We have since stopped talking (at her request not mine) and I found out "via the grapevine" her brother passed away. I should not know about this - and feel for her, but also know she will reject my support. I now feel guilty that I put my sick family members, and she is going through everything, but will be too stubborn to allow me back into her life - and honestly, I am not sure if I can "cope" with her grief and fully support her. I believe that I should be there 100% or not at all. I am beginning to despise myself for thinking as she put it "only of myself, even though I was not aware of her family member not being well"

3. And yes... my friend with ECT still plays on my mind. I know he "needs" me. His psychiatrist once told me that I would do irreparable grief if I abandon him, I am thankful that I ceased contact with her, but her words still play on my mind. I feel guilty that whilst I am exchanging emails with him and finding out how he is doing, I am no longer having these 2 hour phone calls and nor is he pressurising me (like he was in the past) to do so.

I guess, I am simply going through guilt for not being there for people, and this work situation is demoralising me - but I won't give up. I am too determined 🙂

[JessF]

Did the psychiatrist really use the words "irreparable grief"? That's pretty irresponsible in my view, if so. My therapist has always said to me, regarding relationships, your love for each other should outweigh your need for each other. It's unhealthy to need someone so much in your life that you cannot function without them, and even if you were his wife this would be the same. It still seems odd to me that she would be spending her time calling you - psychiatrists aren't cheap and an hour talking to you is an hour she could be spending getting paid to talk to a client. Yes you're best out of that one...

All you can do is deal with what's in front of you. The work situation is a tough one, and it's a shame you don't have more supportive people around you currently. Like I said, it doesn't help to know that others are struggling too sometimes. I'm not sure what people are trying to achieve when they say things like this. Some have a low threshold for hearing about the problems of others, they only like sweetness and light. Facebook is perfect for this, people can tailor-make their perfect life and share it with others to compensate for the inadequate parts.

It might be worth going to see a therapist yourself just to help bolster your coping skills at the moment.

Do you have any friends that you feel are supportive?