Depressed Wife, Looking for support/advice

RandomUser · ‎05-05-2016

Hi BB ,

I'm not really sure where to start with this so here goes. I've been with my wife married for 6 together for 10. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety almost 5 years ago and for the most part its been bearable, tough at times but nothing we couldnt work through. She was on medication up until January of this year when she decided to come off it (which i totally supported) She is also seeing a councelor once/twice a month to help deal with everything.

She has been at uni for the past 4 years doing a course after she finally figured out where her interests was and being on a single wage with a small child has made the financial situation exceptionally tough, she doesnt like talking about money and everytime i ask her to hold off on spending (for wants not necessities) it becomes an argument.

The past 5 months have probably been the toughest months of our entire partnership. Her emotional state is very volitile, very similar to being on an emotional roller coaster. We've almost ended it a couple of times this year after heated discussions but allowed ourselves to cool off and work through the issue at hand. Little tiny issues or things said in a joking manner seem to implode into massive issues, i feel like having fun with my wife is alot more difficult then what it used to be. we are trying new things (date nights, going out socially more) to spend more time together but the money situation is causing me anxiety and im not sure what we are doing is enough.

I dont like to speak about this with direct family as i dont want them worrying and i guess trying to take it on alone is starting to take its toll. I guess i'm just wanting to vent my frustration at this illness as i feel helpless and really want to help fix the woman i love! I'd love some advice from people who have cared or are caring for wifes,partners etc with a similar situation on how they have managed to not only deal and help their partner with it but also find time for themselves to unwind and vent.

Cheers,

RandomUser

blondguy · ‎05-05-2016

Hello Random an Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community

Thankyou for having the courage to post. You are a caring and thoughtful husband by reaching out. I admire your strength. My name is Paul and I hope I can be of some help to you.

Your wife is self aware and caring enough to have taken her meds in the first place...and kudos to her for doing so. The meds are there for a reason....the same as a person with a serious physical injury or illness....there really is very little difference...Its just that we cant 'see' depression as an illness even though some of it may be a chemical imbalance (I think it is..just my humble opinion)

Your wife's depression seems to still exist. If I may quote something you mentioned Random "Little tiny issues or things said in a joking manner seem to implode into massive issues" ....When a person is suffering from Depression their self esteem and their self worth may be rock bottom or close to it...So little things can result in an implosion and seem massive to the sufferer.....Please be aware that your wife isnt speaking as she used to...the depression is speaking...Its like a cry for help...so to speak..

I do understand that you work hard and are very supportive to your wife and child...I have some close friends that spend money they dont have to spend as its a comfort to them which of course doesnt help your family.

If I may ask you.....why did your wife come off the meds? I have had depression since 1997 and have been on the meds since and held down senior roles in the business sector while being on them. The meds may....be necessary to enable your wife to have a platform on which she can help herself heal...this is crucial for recovery

It is great though that your wife is seeing a counsellor on a regular basis....always a huge bonus where recovery is concerned.

I do understand that your wife was on her meds for 5 years and you are/have been a great source of strength for your wife but if you can let me know why you supported her decision to come off the meds.....

Its only my humble opinion but I would try to be with your wife when she is with her therapist....You would have greater coping tools and understanding by doing so (if she doesnt mind of course)

Re-Visit the meds....the side effects can be a pain but your wife (and yourself) will only gain..

I dont really like being on my meds either Random but it is no different to a virus...an infection....high blood pressure....diabetes etc. Please write back

Paul

Carmela · ‎08-05-2016

Hi RandomUser,

I have supported a husband with depression for 18 years and l can relate very much to your experiences. I would like to begin firstly with your wife. As Paul as already mentioned, the current behaviour of your wife suggests that medication will need to be revisited. Is there a way for you to gently bring the subject up and see your family GP together? Getting an independent assessment from a GP, might help both of you understand that meds are required now or some other treatment. Do you know if she has raised these changes in her feelings and behaviour with her counsellor? When l was faced with needing to question my hubby on his feelings etc., l always picked a quiet time when the two of us were relaxed and there were no prior arguments that might taint the talk. Choosing the right moment is very important, and only you can know what that is.

Secondly, you mentioned that you hadn't reached out to family. RandonUser you need support as well, and this could be family or friends. Don't try and do this on your own. It's a lonely road and one that requires a helping hand from time to time. Self-care is very important as you don't want to follow suit in your partners struggle with depression, as this is a possibility for carers as we live in a difficult space with almost daily tension, frustration and sadness. Make the commitment to yourself to live lighter by voicing your feeling to someone you trust. If you feel that family and friends can't help, there are free carer advisory and counselling services available through 'Carer Australia' and 'Mental Health Carers ARAFMI Australia'. Google their details to locate contact numbers for your state.

Finally, as carers, we cannot 'fix' our partners depression. All we can do is support, love and hold their hand when times are tough. Remind her daily that you are there, love her, and the rest is up to your wife. Have you done any research on depression? Understanding the illness will help build your understanding and might clarify for you, some of her behaviours and changes. This certainly made a difference for me in supporting my husband.

Please make sure you take good care of yourself RandomUser. Build a strong support network around you, be kind and forgiving to yourself and take some time out for self-care. And remember, we are always here at BB to hear your voice.

Carmela

geoff · ‎09-05-2016

hello RandomUser, thank you for deciding to post your comment as it takes a an enormous amount of courage to talk with other people about a problem that has been of great concern for you.
Again both Carmela and Paul have offered some terrific advice, and can I pick up on some of their good points, as Carmela has said ' you don't want to follow suit in your partners struggle with depression' as this can very easily happen as there is a chance that you just want to give up on your wife, as well as 'we cannot fix our partners depression', as you can only guide and support her through this tough journey, and definitely her self esteem and confidence is going to suffer (Paul).
Is there a chance that PND could be involved here, and remember that it can happen anytime after a baby is born and not as soon as she has the baby, because for her to look after the baby as well as trying to study and going to uni places a great deal of pressure on her as well as you, and being on a single wage greatly increases her fear and perhaps stability, and by stopping her medication is something that people want to do, but in many cases it's not the right choice.
People have a stigma attached to them if they take AD's because there is a fear that if their family or friends know that they will be victimised or pointed at, simply because they have depression, but now a days the taboo of depression has gone, as it's advertised on the telly, in the papers and on bill boards, as well as your doctor is well aware of this illness.
All married couples have little arguments or disagreements, and just because the both of you have done so, doesn't mean that you need to separate or end the marriage, and if this was the case then no one would be married.
Perhaps going out socially may not be the best way for the both of you to try and mend the relationship, only because it costs money and alcohol maybe involved, which can make the situation better but then it's the tipping point for having an argument, so you both may want to do something with your child that is also exciting, because if the child is happy then lays the foundation of you and your wife to be happy.
I would also believe that the both of you speak to her doctor about her medication. Geoff.

RandomUser · ‎10-05-2016

Thank you all for your support and well wishing. I apologise for the delayed response as things have been a bit crazy with work etc.

You have all given some great advise particularly Geoff with doing more things with the little one, we are definitely trying to include her more now shes getting to an age she can do more!

I've found this place a great way for me to vent and unload. So i will definitely continue to use it as i've felt alot more at ease after venting (even if its behind a screen & keyboard)

As an update whilst the depression is still there the counselling sessions for my wife seem to be helping atleast vent and confront the issues she may be having. She is also doing bowen therapy for relaxtion which seems to be also helping at least take her mind of things even if its only a day or two.

Thank you all very much. I will definitely be around should i need anymore support/help/a place to vent.

Cheers,

RandomUser