2 friends both with depression how can it work?

[Savannah88]

I have been having a really really tough time lately- work related, financially, family illness and work like balance pressures. I am seeing a counsellor and have been diagnosed with mild depression and I would like to start medication if I can. The friend I always lean on has been distant lately and when I questioned this she too has been diagnosed with depression and I had no idea. I feel like a terrible friend for not knowing in the first place and angry and hurt she never told me when I have leant on her for so much in the past, I want to support her but she says she's fine. And deep down I'm crumbling in my own issues. What do I do? I have no other friends to lean on and my partner doesn't know what to say or do to help

[pipsy]

Hi Savannah88. Welcome and sorry to hear you feel so guilty. People who suffer depression quite often cover it with trying to make light conversation. Even twins who are supposed to be able to finish each others sentences don't always realize when one of them is depressed. Depression doesn't 'show', it's a feeling as you are aware. If your friend was constantly down and crying, yes, you would've clicked, but obviously she hid behind laughter and cheeriness, so no you wouldn't have realized. It also could be that in helping and supporting you, your friend was able to help herself. Often when we feel depressed and we are able to 'lose' ourselves in some way, it helps. There are also degrees of depression, perhaps your friends depression wasn't as severe as yours, so lifting you, lifted her. Try not to be angry and hurt about her decision not to tell you how she felt. It was her decision and it obviously helped her till she felt she needed support. I would perhaps consider sending her a small note or letter to say thank you for being there when you needed her. Don't apologize to her for not knowing she needed support for her illness. Let her know you're thinking of her. Keep in touch with her and let her know your door is still open. In the meantime, you and her both have us here on the forums. Tell your friend about BB.

Lynda.

[Carmela]

Hi Savannah88, Pipsy has provided some great advice to you. I would like to add one important point for your self-care and recovery and that is, lean on your partner and ask him what you need. Carers don't mind read, so it's important that we communicate how we feel and what we need, and it can just be a daily hug and I love you. Your partner won't know how you feel as it is your illness and one he cannot change or fix.

In my years of listening to carers, one of their top concerns is what to say or do for their loved ones when they are ill. Spend time each day to connect and tell him how you feel. Ask him to attend your medical appointments, so he learns to understand about depression. Knowledge is important for him now to better support you and what you need.

It is so lovely that you care for your friend so deeply. It is possible she understands that you can't be there for her as you have your illness to manage, but you can catch up and talk with each other as you both have a shared experience. And if this is not something you want to try, call or text her regularly and tell her you are there when she is ready to talk. As Pipsy suggested, we are here at BB for anyone who needs help.

Carmela

[Jack184]

As someone who quite possibly has depression - I don't have a diagnosis, but that's what it looks like - and with a friend who might be bipolar, I kind of understand what this sort of thing can be like. This might not necessarily be the case, but in my experience, they can actually be a very good person to talk to, because they get a lot of what you're going through. If you've been good friends, you could end up being terrific support for each other as you try and cope with all this. Don't try to force her to talk about her issues, just let her know that you're there for her if there's ever anything you want to talk about.

Best wishes,

Jack