Husband with bi-polar who is just stuck - not sure how else to support

[Lightness]

I have not been on here for a while so hope my post is ok. 18 months ago my hubby became extremely manic and was diagnosed with bi-polar. It was a horrible time and very scary . Now, however, 18 months lately, he is functioning again but only just. He is so flat - no emotions, no excitement or joy in life, no desire to do anything pr communicate and no fun or connection. I am trying to support and not enable him but have got to a stage where I need to see something happen - however small. I am finding it hard to stay positive within myself and have felt little bits of resentment which I know is not healthy. It breaks my heart to see the man I loved disappear. I only hope he comes back. His medication has been reduced so maybe this will help.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Lightness,

Welcome back.

Sounds like it has been really full on. From what I know of friends who have gone through something similar is that it takes quite some time and commitment with a GP or Psychiatrist to get the medication and lifestyle working. It is kind of nice to see the love that you have for him, and I am willing to hold out some hope that he will not disappear but resurface.

But what about now when you seem to be finding it tough yourself? It helps to do the self care, you know you are worth it. I start with making sure I do the enjoyable little things like getting into the garden, also it does help me to spend time with friends and have a good old complain. What makes you feel good that has perhaps fallen away lately?

One last thing. There are others around who have a personal experience of bipolar and those who love them. If you have more questions, or need reassurance please let us know.

Rob.

[PatT]

Hey Lightness,

Bipolar medication can really suck away your soul at some doses, but at the same time it is necessary for some of us. I lost a relationship largely because I was trying to manage my own illness unmedicated which turned into an absolute nightmare period. It's hard to get back on track and find the positive things in life but a reduction in medication is a good start. He really needs to find things that stimulate and excite him. I know of people on bipolar meds that get into extreme sports and such.

Personally, to combat the side effects, I do a lot of exercise, watch horror movies, spend ample time in the sun every day walking my dog, eat well and try to retain some semblance of a social life. The thing is, it was hard and it did take time. I was in the same place as your husband when I started on a higher dose than I needed but gradually, I reduced and found ways to navigate around the side effects.

Also don't blame yourself for those feelings of resentment - it's frustrating. I know it, my family knows it, my friends know it. It's natural. See how he responds to this new dose and try to push him to try new things.

[Carmela]

Hi Lightness, I echo the advice provided from the other BB Champions. Self-care is so important for you right now in maintaining your own mental health. You will find it difficult to support your husband if you experience mental health issues, and this is a possibility with carers, as we feel and see our partners struggling and really can't do a lot about it and struggle internally with this in frustration, anger, resentment and guilt.

You mentioned your husband's medication dosage had changed. In the past when my hubby had medication changes, it took some time for it all to settle. On occasion, it was a few weeks, and others a few month, but it did level out eventually. Patience is important here and l can totally understand this is easily said than done. In the meantime, live with hope in your heart and believe that things will get better. A positive attitude can go a long way to helping you and your husband.

Carmela x

[Ishtar]

Howdy Lightness,

Know how you feel. My partner's bipolar emerged 5 years ago. Last year was a nightmare, as he decided to go off his anti-d's and the mood swings and mania took over. Along with that came the risk-taking behaviours including affairs. Got him back to psychiatrist & it's been 3 months of medication trials and regular visits and he's still not quite there...however, he's now being treatment compliant and taking responsibility and has some insights and can recognise when he's going manic, which is a big step & something I commend him for.

As for me, I have to say it's a roller-coaster and requires a LOT of energy to stay resilient, positive and supportive while not taking it personally. For me it has been a big grief reaction. The person I knew has irrevocably changed but not disappeared, and I am still accepting that. It's not easy because you want them back like they were...but I have probably also changed as well.

So, how have I learned to cope & stay sane?

Well, tell all those you trust, get yourself a good counsellor and don't isolate yourself. Talk! Talk! I spent years keeping everything "quiet" because of my partner's paranoia. You won't believe the support that confiding gives!

Also start doing things you want or what you've put off, with other people. I have gone away on two brief breaks with my adult children and a girlfriend interstate, for the first time ever without him, which has been fantastic. I've rediscovered myself, and escaped the restricted & negative sense of myself as defined by my partner's illness. He survived OK and it was a powerful message, for both of us, that I, and our relationship, was not going to be controlled and defined by his illness or damaged by me taking time out for myself. That it's OK to have interests outside the marriage.

Put some limits in place about what you will and will not accept visavis your husband's daily behaviour and be prepared to empathically tell him.

I've also taken up other interests like pilates classes & doing music lessons and gardening to sooth my soul!