His depression has destroyed our marriage

[Distressed]

I have been married for over 15 years and my partner has been suffering from depression for about 4 years.  I have nearly left him 2 times in during that time, then separated for three months (under the same roof) and finally moved out of the house about 6 months ago.  He is constantly blaming his depression for his behaviour during that time and tells me he loves me and wants me back.  He is saying he now can see ”IT”, although he did say the same thing the first time we separated.  He is now on medication (only started 6 weeks ago) although I have asked him to get help so many times. I feel he is doing this simply to “show” me he is trying.  The problem is that his behaviour towards me, my friends and my family was unacceptable.  The last few years has taken a toll on me and I have fallen out of love with him.  He wants me to give him another chance but how can I do this when I don’t feel anything when I look at him?  He killed my love.  I don’t desire him and don’t want to spend time with him anymore.  We have two kids and we do have to communicate.  He is constantly contacting me, calling and texting multiple times a day.  Its borderline harassment.  I have told him if he really loved me he would let me go.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I feel guilty of leaving him but I can’t take this anymore.  I am feeling burned out and struggling to cope with my own grieving of my failed marriage.  Why can he just let me go?  It seem to be all about him all the time.  About how he his feeling with disregards of my own feelings.  I have already giving him so many chances.  He wants me to give him another chance.  He already had 3 warnings and I have been hurt to many times to even consider it.   Sometimes I even wonder if it is just depression or manipulation.  I do feel he is manupulating me and using his depression to get me back.   I use to do everything for him.  The last few years, he would get angry if we did not have sex a many times a week and would never do anything around the house.   I have a full time job and had to do all the housework and child caring (with young ones).  I feel I have married a spoiled child.   Is this depression?  How can i get him to understand he needs to move on?

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[CrashCoyote]

Hello No More Joy,

Welcome to our site and thank you for posting. I understand that you and your husband are having a very difficult time and it sounds from what you say that your love for him is gone.

It seems like a binary choice, you either give the relationship another try or you don't. Can I suggest that if you choose to try with him again, you do it through professional counselling (if that is an affordable option) because there will be one objective person to hear from both of you, and for you to hear from?

If you choose not to try again, then you will obviously tell him that and if he does not give you space, you will have to re-assess how you manage his persistence. It may be that he is just not hearing (wanting to hear) your message.

You have a right to be happy and if that involves being in a relationship, you have to have strong, positive feelings for whoever that person is. Guilt should never be a motivator for choosing to be with someone! Your starting point must be meeting your own needs first.

Please feel free to keep posting, myself or someone else will always respond to you.

Kind regards, John.

[white knight]

Hi No more joy,  welcome here.

John had some great comments there.

I'd like to put a spin on this a little but it doesnt mean I endorse your husbands behaviour.

I will assume your children are with you, that he has visitations say 2 days a fortnight etc.  If that's the case he might well be grieving for his full time fatherhood (as I did in 1996). Such a situation could lead to desperation.

He has also been silly refusing medication or professional guidance in the past. He gambled and lost there. Does he realise this now?- yes, absolutely. Is it too late? - absolutely. If someone says they are not "in love" anymore then its over. You have passed the line of no return. IMO

So what can you do?  He is your childrens father. One should always pursue the ideal. The ideal depends on you but hopefully it will include open communication and friendly feelings between both of you....for the sole sake of the children. Bare in mind that you dont want to go through a life of ill feeling every time he contacts you or visa versa.

Seek that friendship by being firm and direct. Tell him every time he mentions he wants reunion. Hold out your hands and say "stop". Not nastily but firm. I've told you there is no chance but I'm willing to stay friends for our childrens benefit. I hope you dont ruin that opportunity".

Some say "it takes two" when talking about a couples demise or inability to remain friends. Not correct. It only takes one. In this case your husband's persistance could kill off any hope of friendship for the sake of the kids. So please try to tread the fine line- to be firm, kind, willing to listen about childrens needs but dont be - his therapist, caring, listening to his medical issues or topics that dont involve the children. He can find professionals for that now. .If your friendship with him grows stronger in years to come based on this ideal you both wont regret it...and your children will thank you both.

A coffee at a cafe to discuss these things might be the place to do it. These are just my ideas.

In terms of some of your other comments. High sex drive is commonly related to mania issues.  However you doing all the housework and minding both children withholding a full time job is nothing but laziness on his part.  Call it what it is. These comments on your last paragraph, I think, are the clearest evidence of how far you have drifted and you have animosity. 

It will take you time to recover from the experience. Time will heal some wounds.

Best of luck

Tony WK

[Beltane]

Hello! I just wanted to say that while you can't force him to get help, you can get help for yourself. Not saying that you're sick- I mean you can get a therapist for you to work through your feelings. You are obviously stressed and lost. Try going to your doctor- you may be eligible for some medicare funded therapy which will definitely make it a lot more affordable for you!

You are absolutely entitled to talk to someone on your own. You can't control how someone else acts. You can beg and plead and threaten him but ultimately only he can decide to make serious changes. You however can talk to someone about YOU and how you're doing. That may help you immensely figure out what you want to do and how you'll cope etc. 

[LML]

Hi

Can't offer much in the way of positives but I am seeing patterns in behaviours between, your husband & mine, I am at the beginning of the journey & doing everything I can to keep us together.

My understanding is the multiple contacts a day are actually anxiety on his part, so it sounds as if he is trying to keep you in his life. I only wish mine would do the same - he's run away basically & doing avoidance behaviours.

I also hear you about the sex, and manipulation too.

 Stay strong, I have had to get medicated myself after finding out about an affair, have gone on a mental health plan which gives me reduced rates with a psychologist on my own, & have been seriously distracting myself by diving into my hobbies & joining an online group about evolving my fashion style, getting dressed in the morning to a challenge is a great distraction & ego boost. I unload on my poor siblings on a regular basis. 

When you look in the mirror next time, have a smile & tell yourself what a superb job you have been doing. Hope you are getting some exercise & rest & are feeling well enough to do both, if not its time to do something to get there.xxx

[Distressed]

Thank you so much for your supportive words.  It means a lot.  I am really struggling to cope at the moment.  I have been seeing a therapist and it does help me a lot.   He is actually a good father and does have the children his fair share.  I believe he is struggling with this new "challenge" while coping with the separation.  He does love his children.  I have just found out he has started on anti-depressants and I can actually see a difference in his behaviour.  It won’t make a difference now for our marriage, which is very sad to admit.  I wish he would have listen to my pleas a few years ago.  I wish I would have known then what i know now.  Maybe I would have been able to salvage our relationship while there was still love.  I feel guilty and feel I havent not done enough but I know also it is not true. 

[geoff]

dear Mo more joy, well all the replies to you have been very good, and I can relate to some of your issues, not all but my wife (ex) left me several times and finally divorced me.

No I didn't change or perhaps I should say couldn't change because I was depressed and using alcohol as a self medication, however I was never demanding with regards to sex and basically the last 18 months there was never any sex, but then again during the marriage it was also never a constant item, if I can call it that, as she wasn't interested in it, but that's me, but just saying.

Once love has been gone in a relationship either de facto or marriage, it's virtually impossible for it to re-grow not unless the restrictions are adhered to by both sides, possible, maybe, but in the long run no, because we just go back to our old self.

I have known couples to stay together because of the kids, but once these kids up and leave the house then it's over, because there's no point living with each other if you are unhappy, because not even marriage counselling will achieve much, except empty your pockets. L Geoff. x

[LML]

NMJ Would love to know any strategies you would have done while here was still love i may be able to use or get some ideas since we are at he beginning of the journey, all i feel i can do is beg him to see a psychiatrist with each negative thing that happens.

[Distressed]

In response to LML - Looking back at my marriage and where I am at (separated due to depression on my husband side) I think the main element is that more often then not despression is acknowledge to late.  There is so much hurt that is is hard to move forward and to forget the past.  There is a sense that the depressed person will always be that way, that the person we have married is so different then the one we are not living with.  As hard as it is for the depressed person, it is terribly difficult for the loved one to keep loving when you are not being treated nicely.  depression sneaks in a relationship and takes over everything without you knowing it,  If you can remember the person you partner use to be and hang on to that and get help then there can be a change.  When you start seing the person they have become as their new persona ist often to let as you can make the difference between the two.

[Gibbo_KLC]

I can relate to what you are going through - I am wondering where you are at a few years later?