Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Husband depressed

replies: 3

My husband of almost 20 years had a history of depression before he met me. I have never really recognised it in him, but he has said a few times over the years, that he battles with it every day, although no one would ever recognise it. He is very strong, very stubborn and very black and white in all he does. This year has seen him in his first year of retirement, but he has always been happy just to do his own thing around the paddocks etc. and is not interested in being involved with activities. The last 3 months have been particularly hard, as I felt our relationship was slowly fading away. He has never been a good sleeper and has always keeps himself very busy. The last month or so, he has just not been feeling well, has been sleeping during the day, very glum and does not want to go outside to do his 'outside' work, which he has always loved (chopping wood, doing farm jobs etc, keeping busy). He did finally go to his doctor who thinks he is severely depressed. My concern is that he is very much shut down from me, and is not interested in talking to me about what he feels/does not want medication (has had addiction issues with depression medication and sleeping tablets over 20 years ago, before I met him). I ask him and he doesn't let me in on anything. I feel like I am nagging because I don't get anything out of him. We have young children and as he is approaching 70, I feel he is feeling old, which has never been an issue previously. How can I help him???

Advice for family where Dad has depression

replies: 20

My husband has been battling depression for a while now and has just been admitted to a mental health clinic. The kids dont know yet, they think he is away for work. He is quite low and feeling alot of shame, his depression has meant he has been irritable at home for months. We had talked to the kids about Dad feeling 'sad-mad' like a character in the inside out movie and they get that, he is a good bloke who is trying hard but his moods and need for control get the better of him. I thought he would be in hospital for a week to 10 days but he called last night and said his psychiatrist is talking about a month long admission. I have a 9 year old and 7 year old, he misses us already and he has only been in 3 days. Im unsure how to discuss his admission with the kids and how much we should visit him, I desperately want him to feel better and support him as much as we can. The last 4 months have been horrible, I struggle with his mood, anger, loss of interest, irritability and feel drained around him. Intellectually I understand his depression (I have a psych background) but emotionally it has been a difficult time. He is trying very hard though and is a good husband and father despite the depression. Thanks for listening, its a new thing for me to reach out for help online.

How do I talk to my depressed boyfriend about concerning issues?

replies: 3

Following on from my last post, I need advice on how to talk to my depressed boyfriend about issues that are affecting me, like his constant criticism and physically pushing me away, without him walking away because of how I said something.

Boyfriend feels like he is destroying my life with his depression.

replies: 4

My boyfriend and I (let's call him John) have been together for about 2 years. In that time he has supported me and some of my family members who have struggled with depression.He comes from a very sheltered family who doesn't believe that mental illness is a real thing and largely believes depression is a joke. He shares this view to a certain extent, although his experience with my family and I are changing this.He has always been quite active. He is very blokey and quite guarded. Pretty much the stereotypical tradie. He lost 40kg about 4 years ago but still struggles with body image and self confidence, despite being in quite good shape now.He does a lot for his family, as he has a physically disabled father. He does all of the yard work and the majority of the house work as well as acting as a chauffeur for his father. He does have a sister, brother in law and mother, so this isn't 100% necessary.So all of that in mind, it makes sense that John is struggling to come to terms with his depression and anxiety. He has just recently opened up to me about this. He said he hasn't slept more than 4 hours a night in the last month, which is a real issue because he has a very physically demanding job. He also said that he fantisies about dying, although he doesn't plan or think about suicide. Still really scary.We have been having some relationship issues because of all this. He feels as though he is burdening me with his depression. He says it is ruining my life and that he thinks that he is holding me back or pulling me down.He refuses to seek professional help because he is "stronger than that", and can't talk to his family (who constantly borate him for being lazy and selfish) because he is afraid of ridicule. He has come to my psychologist with me in the past (about 8months ago) and didn't get much from the experience.Some people just don't get anything from therapy and that's cool with me but I just don't know how to help him. He feels like he is nothing and cant offer anything to anyone. He says that things were simpler when he was alone because he didn't have anyone to disappoint.It kills me hearing him say stuff like that. He is my world but I know just telling him that isn't enough. I don't know what to do. Please help.beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Should we use tough love or continue to disintergrate as a family

replies: 3

Hi All, we have a 21 year old son who suffers extreme anxiety. He left school in year 10 after a breakdown and since that time has lived at home. He uses marijuana all day every day, sleeps during the day and is awake all night playing games or watching movies. He has had a few part time jobs for a couple of hours but they never continue past the first few shifts. He is aggressive and verbally abusive to me and his 20 yr old sister. He refuses to seek medical help and honestly believes that his drug use assists his condition. Previously he has stolen from us to fund his habit. I now believe that he may be dealing to his "mates" to fund his drugs. His sister has moved out. We are at a total loss as to what to do. This is a highly intelligent man who is now 21 yrs old. We had no choice a few years ago to tell him he had to move out however we ended up caving and he came home. I can't see anything changing with him and am at wits end about what to do. I love him so much but his continued disrespect of our family, our beliefs and our home is driving a wedge between my husband and myself. He continues to smoke his drugs in my home (in the garage) and his associates come to the house. His anxiety leads to outbursts of anger where I am afraid for my own wellbeing. He doesn't drive as I refuse to teach him when he is under the influence so if he needs to go anywhere it is up to my husband and myself (except for the collection of his drugs). If anyone has any ideas on whether I am best to ask him to leave or continue to try and help I would appreciate the advice. I can't continue to cry myself to sleep and continue working full time. I can't continue to think everything is fine when a strange car pulls up or he goes into the garage for hours or when he screams abuse at me. Thank you for your advice.

Struggling with sibling.

replies: 1

Hi everyone. I like many of you are struggling with a family member with depression. The illness itself is quite debilitating amd sad to know so many and so many families are dealing with this. My younger sister has depression and has been suffering for the last year and a half. I suppose i should start from the start. My sister was in year 11 last year and due to not going to school for the majority ot term 2 due to depression The school while they appeared on the outset understanding were trying to (in hindsight) retain funding by blackmailing her into staying at the school- even though she had made clear that the bullying going on was a significant factor to her depression. She attempted to go back to school in semester 2 but the insidious bullying that was occuring within her friendship group and my sisters immense mental vulnerabilities cased her to have another breakdown. So she decided to take time off school for the rest of semester again, and started seeing a headspace psychologist. She was sporadic in attendence to the psych and eventually stopped going. In hindsight i wish we immediately found a new one to go to instead of hoping other therapies may work too (as based on her suggestion and willingness). During her time off she would lay in bed all day and play games on the gaming console. Its a vicious cycle because i believe the time off school may have helped with stress but i believe the illness robbing her of motivation didnt and was made worse during that time. In 2016 she started year 11 again and was again doing well in term 1. She would constantly say she was fine again a did not wish to see a psych/ psychiatrist as she was back to normal. Then she got physically sick with another condition shes suffering from during the holidays, which caused her to be bedridden in pain. She was finally alleviates from the physical pain 2 weeks into term 2 but even when she tried to go back to school her depression kicked in and made it impossible again. Right now we are waiting to see a psychatrist as the first time in 1 and a 1/2 years she has agreed to see one. I dont know what the future holds but I hope medication is a step in the right direction to getting my sister her happiness again. I hate this illness and everything its done to my younger sister and my older worn out mother. So yeah...Im 19 in Uni and am feeling quite hopeless about all of this, even though youre stories do fill me with hope. Thank you for reading.

Daughter has depression - running out of ideas on how to help

replies: 8

Hi new to the online forum. Hoping someone can assist me with some strategies. My daughter has been diagnosed with depression and has been on medication for about 2 years. She is now 20. I am not seeing any improvement and her communication has become almost non existent. She is failing University and she is reluctant to talk at all, about anything. She is a lovely girl and it is devastating to see her internalise everything. She is unwilling to talk about the most innocuous topics, and is disinterested in everything. When I try to have a conversation I feel like I am interrogating her due to the lack of response. But if I leave her to initiate any contact then we would never talk. She does not talk to her friends, her family, she even seems distance from the pets. She shows no emotion, not positive or negative. It is like living with a ghost. She has always been shy and introverted, but this apathy is so much more. How can you get someone to Act, Belong Commit if they won't even have the most basic of conversation with you? I have a good relationship with my daughter and she seems more connected with me than others, and more willing to talk to me than anyone else, so any suggestions on where to from here would be really appreciated. I am willing to try anything people! Thanks

I'm not sure how much more I can take... (newbie post)

replies: 6

hi everyone, i am new to this place as i am coming to the end of my sanity with my husband's depression taking over our lives. my once intelligent, outgoing, fun, bubbly, get-going, high-achieving husband has turned into someone i never thought i'd see... since struggling with glandular fever, chronic fatigue, cancer scares and continued exhaustion (and inability to work full time) which started in november 2014, he is a shadow of the person he was. he has good days, granted, but mostly he wavers between staying in bed with exhaustion and painting a bit of a smile on his face with the family (we have two young boys). he works part time at the moment which is giving him a bit of 'external energy', but aside from that, there is very little. the reason i'm writing is in essence: i need help. i gave him a big talking to this morning when he wouldn't get out of bed and i feel bad now because i know that's not the right thing to do. but after over 2 years of holding him and the boys up, recently things have gotten much worse: - he hasn't been paid since february even though he's still working (he's helping a business grow) - i earn $4k a month which is meant to cover all expenses for a family of 4 - his spending is out of control, having in the past 6 months bought a $50k 4wd, a $10k camper trailer, $1100 on a bull bar/ spotlights etc etc etc. - he is lying about his spending - he told me the lights were $150 - he didn't mention that to fit them would end up being $1100 total - he is keeping me out of decisions (he went down on his medication last week without telling me because our naturopath said he should start thinking about it) - so no conversation about what would happen, he just did it and now we're dealing with the consequences as he's so not ready... - i bring him lots of ideas - meditation, yoga, walking, cycling, martial arts, a structured day plan etc. i ask him not to get on the phone in bed because it harms his sleep. i make sure he's eating really good nutritious food etc. but he ignores me... he does nothing to help himself, he stays up to all hours on his phone and then wonders why he's so tired (even after 12 hours sleep, he's exhausted). i feel like i'm losing my mind. i'm struggling myself with slight depression (on meds) but am trying to keep our family afloat. please, can someone help? i feel like i'm about to drown. thanks for listening if you got this far! xxx

Struggling to support someone you love

replies: 4

Hi everyone! Last month, Paul started a thread for feedback about "Is your partner supportive of your Anxiety/Depression" which had great comments from both carer's/loved ones & sufferers. At the time, I had just discovered my now ex-partner (who suffers from PTSD, depression & anxiety) was leading a double life. He has been completely in denial about his actions, his responsibilities to me, our relationship and his mental health. Although I am now over the initial shock, the hurt just sits so deep within & I am struggling with my own overwhelming emotions. While I understand the way he behaves (currently reading an amazing book regarding trauma & it's effect on the brain) and can feel compassion towards him & the pain he is dealing (or maybe NOT dealing) with, I won't condone his behaviour. I am struggling at the loss of our relationship, his lies, the anger, the inability to even consider how his actions have affected me, his selfishness, the goading of "hate me, hate me" & the guilt I feel over not being able to get him the help he needs. I am also really concerned about his current well-being & dread the possibility of getting the call to say he has taken his life, a threat he has often made & in times when he is ok, we have discussed the impact this act would have on those who love him. I have ceased any contact with him as I just can no longer take anymore of his darkness on board. Close friends who are aware of his mental health struggles are keeping check on him. I am focusing on looking after my own well-being & am currently struggling with what emotion to deal with first, it is such a roller-coaster. Some days, I feel like I can no longer put the "brave" face on anymore when underneath, I am falling apart. I would really value experiences & comments from both sides on this particular thread, a shared experience will increase understanding for all involved. The impact that mental health has on everyone is monumental. It is hard to see someone you love suffer so deeply and it is really hard making (and sticking) with the decision to walk away because there is absolutely nothing more you can do, ultimately, the responsibility lies with him. Thanks for listening! xx

2 and a half year cycle

replies: 1

Hello everyone I just want to tell my story as its been eating me up inside for years, back in 2014 my partner took ill and started having trouble eating where the only thing that he has had consistantly is a hospital protein drink which due to not having any other types of food has lost body mass and every time he seemed to be getting better he would relapse and start vomiting up his food and complain of thick mucus, I hate seeing him like this I'm depressed and feel hopeless over what to do and I can only imagine how depressed he is, it's put a strain on everything in our lives I'm 27 and I had to stop my studies to help him and now I just feel too bummed out to do anything like I am in limbo.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Husband depressed replies: 3

Advice for family where Dad has depression replies: 20

How do I talk to my depressed boyfriend about concerning issues? replies: 3

Boyfriend feels like he is destroying my life with his depression. replies: 4

Should we use tough love or continue to disintergrate as a family replies: 3

Struggling with sibling. replies: 1

Daughter has depression - running out of ideas on how to help replies: 8

I'm not sure how much more I can take... (newbie post) replies: 6

Struggling to support someone you love replies: 4

2 and a half year cycle replies: 1