My boyfriend of three years just broke up with me, and I think he has depression

[American_in_Australia]

I am from America and moved to Australia to be with him. We were together for three years and traveled through Australia, Japan, the USA, and Canada together. I had to teach in Indonesia for six months while waiting for my permanent residency, and we had a long distance relationship during that time. We skyped and texted everyday, and we talked about everything. Six months ago I received permanent residency, and I moved in with him. We lived together previously (for six months last year). However, these past six months I have been questioning whether or not he has depression. He has been at the same job, and living in the same location for seven years and feels stuck. He began to feel stressed about life, and questioning his decisions. (Why do I own a house? Why do I work so hard? Does this make me happy, etc) We talked it out, and I tried to give give him options, but he seemed to get angry towards me.

We decided to host couchsurfers to be around travelers. It was fun the first month, but I found him becoming distant with me, and irritated with everything that I did. He told he was confused and didn’t know how he felt about me. I gave him space, and then he broke up with me (over text) a week later. I am so sad and don’t understand any of this. His family is very concerned about him, and he is now drinking heavily and behaving a bit like an asshole. He is separating himself from his friends and family (who he is very close to) and his support network is now these couchsurfers. I have separated myself and know I cannot help, but I am deeply concerned and sad for him. I am also very close with his family.

I sent him an email outlining how I felt, it was a kind, but firm letter that outlined how I felt. I didn't expect a response, but he emailed me a very angry email 10 minutes later throwing out blame and being the victim. When I read it I was shocked with how angry he was and the hurtful things he was able to say. I'm still in shock and didn't know he could be so mean with his words. I'm 32 and he is 37 years old.

[Sophie_M]

Hi American in Australia, it does sound like your boyfriend is going through a difficult time and letting him know you are concerned and want him to get help is important, as is communicating with his family so that he can get the support he needs. However, it's also important to look after yourself at this time. You might find the Beyond Blue carers guide useful: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself There are also some great resources for supporting someone with depression and anxiety you may find helpful: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

[Carmela]

Hi American in Australia, I am sorry to hear that your boyfriend has caused you emotional pain. It does sound from what you have described that depression might be at play here. From my experiences of supporting a partner with depression, we cannot control nor wish their depression away. It is their journey and one they need to acknowledge and manage. They go through a mirid of emotions and unfortunately, anger is one of these, and it can/does get directed at those closest to them.

Also, don't take what he says or does personally. The angry words are skewed by depression and the darkness that surrounds him. You have done all you can and opened up communication where possible. If you are in contact, be patience and don't push as it just drives them away.

It is important as Sophie_M suggested, to look after you now and your emotional needs. Self-care is so important. Can you reached out to friends or family to discuss how you feel?

Be kind to yourself and take care.

Carmela