Hes isolating himself from everyone and keeping me at arms length

jaytee89 · ‎30-05-2016

Hi, my name is Jess and I'm in a relationship with a guy who suffers from depression and anxiety. At the moment, he's going through an incredibly rough patch, and it's affecting every part of his life. I'm being as supportive as I can, and as much as he will let me. Him having to deal with both depression and anxiety doesn't scare me, but I'm struggling with how hes isolating himself from everyone and keeping me at arms length. I've been gently reminding him that I'm always here for him, anytime he needs but I've also been giving him the space he's asked for.

Last night we spoke on the phone and I've never heard him so upset. It was devastating. He doesn't know what he wants in regards to anything, he's so lost. He doesn't want to be around anyone, including me, he's exhausted all the time, has no motivation for anything, drinks alcohol every day and feels like his life is pointless. He doesn't want to break up because he says he won't get another chance (we've been in a relationship previously, which he ended I think because of similar reasons) but he says he doesn't want to see me. He feels like he can't be with someone when he can't take care of himself. I understand why he's staying away, and I respect he needs space, but I'm scared of how much he's keeping himself hidden from everyone, including his family. I care so much about him and want to do whatever I can to support him.

He's on medication for his depression and he was seeing a psychologist last year. He hasn't been going to see one recently because he says they frustrate him. He mentioned last night he may see one again. I'm not sure if he will, we decided last night to take some space this week and then see each other on the weekend to talk. I Want to help, any way I can.

my mum is bi polar and has paranoid schizophrenia, my dad has depression so I have some understanding of mental health.I'm not going to walk away from him when he's suffering like this and I know I have to be patient, it's just heartbreaking to hear your partner like this.

Doolhof · ‎31-05-2016

Hi Jess,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the community here. I'm not sure if you have been looking around on this forum at all, if so, then you may have noticed there are so many posts at present about people trying to help a loved one with depression, anxiety and some also with alcohol dependency.

It does sound like you have experience with mental health issues due to your family circumstance. It is wonderful you want to help and support your partner.

Do you have a relationship with his parent? Would they be able to assist you to help their son, to encourage him to attend appointments and check to make sure he is okay?

Beyond Blue have information on how you can support someone with a mental illness, some of the info there may help you. You could also use the phone help line and chat with someone on 1300 22 4636.

Hopefully connecting here helps you as well. If you read some of the threads about relationships with depressed people, you will see suggestions other people have been offered.

It is really important that you look after yourself in all of this as well.

If it helps, keep sharing your journey here and people will support you.

Wishing you both all the best, cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

jaytee89 · ‎31-05-2016

I've read through some of the threads by others and they've given me some idea. A lot of their stories sound almost identical to mine.

I've met his parents a few times when we were together previously, but they don't know we've gotten back together. My partner has asked for space this week, no contact at all so he can clear his head, then I'll go see him on the weekend. Depending how that goes, I've been thinking about going to his parents and asking for their help. I'm so worried about him, he's so broken at the moment and even though he says he can't be around anyone right now, I believe he needs his family. I don't think they know how he is at the moment. I want to be there for him too, but he won't let me and I feel like his family will have more of an influence on him than me.

I'm seeing a psychologist about other things and I've spoken to her briefly about my relationship. On my next visit I want to talk more about what's been happening with my partner and get her advice.

Doolhof · ‎01-06-2016

Hi Jess,

It is understandable your partner wants some space, that can be very helpful, as long as he is not isolating himself too much. It is hard to find the right balance.

Speaking with your psychologist about what is happening with your relationship is a good idea. She will be able to give you advice and may even have an idea on where you can find material to read regarding helping a person with depression.

If you know where your partner's parents are, it might be a good idea to let them know how their son is. Sometimes people put on a front or a mask for family.

Has your partner told you that he does not want to receive any text messages from you? Maybe if you just send him a "Hello, thinking of you" might brighten his day, unless he has requested you don't even do that.

Hopefully you will be able to see him on the weekend. You could print him out some information on how people can assist others with depression. There might be some ideas he had never considered which may be very beneficial.

Wishing you all the best with this.

From Mrs. Dools