Daughter has depression - running out of ideas on how to help

Jubjub · ‎15-12-2015

Hi new to the online forum. Hoping someone can assist me with some strategies.

My daughter has been diagnosed with depression and has been on medication for about 2 years. She is now 20. I am not seeing any improvement and her communication has become almost non existent. She is failing University and she is reluctant to talk at all, about anything. She is a lovely girl and it is devastating to see her internalise everything. She is unwilling to talk about the most innocuous topics, and is disinterested in everything.

When I try to have a conversation I feel like I am interrogating her due to the lack of response. But if I leave her to initiate any contact then we would never talk. She does not talk to her friends, her family, she even seems distance from the pets.

She shows no emotion, not positive or negative. It is like living with a ghost.

She has always been shy and introverted, but this apathy is so much more. How can you get someone to Act, Belong Commit if they won't even have the most basic of conversation with you?

I have a good relationship with my daughter and she seems more connected with me than others, and more willing to talk to me than anyone else, so any suggestions on where to from here would be really appreciated. I am willing to try anything people!

Thanks

Guest_1055 · ‎15-12-2015

Hey Jubjub

What a kind and loving mother you are, your daughter is really blessed to have such a mum. Warm hugs to you.

I struggled to verbally speak to anyone as well. And actually I still do. But it is getting easier.

Anyway I hardly ever spoke to my mum or my dad. I lived in the same house, but just did not converse much at all. Just recently though I have found my voice through writing. I write to communicate to others a lot. This seems to work for me, and the more I do it, the easier it is becoming to actually speak out my thoughts verbally.

So I wonder if your daughter is excellent at writing, or expressing her thoughts in written form? Just getting it all out in this manner, rather then verbally speaking.

I am not sure if anything of what I have written is helpful to you, but please, please know I care about you and your precious daughter.

With love

Shelley anne xxx

Jubjub · ‎16-12-2015

Thank you Shelley anne

Your support is wonderful. She does have a journal and writes in it regularly. She is very creative and writing is her outlet. She does not share anything she writes and is extremely private about it, but that's okay.

I will encourage her to do more writing and will try and be patient about her not wanting to talk.

Thanks again

Dwwmills · ‎16-12-2015

Hi Jubjub.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. You can support your
daughter as much as you like but eventually it will have to be her that does
the work to deal with her depression.

Has she been reassessed in the last two years? If you haven’t
had much improvement using that medication over two years it is probably time
to have a look at it all again. If the GP had prescribed the medication I would
suggest that you go to see a psychiatrist as they are more skilled in working
with medication.

Counselling from a psychologist may help if she is willing
to attend. The other alternative would be for you to see a psychologist as they
may give you some strategies that will help.

As parents is difficult to know whether what we’re doing is
helping or actually hindering the situation. We can unwittingly support our
children in ways that locks us both into this unfortunate situation. By the
sounds of it something needs to change as you say. The reason I say it would be
handy for you to see a psychologist is that you may experience quite a bit of
resistance from your daughter if you do try to change the status quo and it
would be handy to have a few strategies up your sleeve.

I wish you all the best.

Paul · ‎16-12-2015

Hey Jubjub,

Really glad you shouted out to us on here, it can feel so isolating being depressed and isolating and devastating loving someone who is depressed. Hugs.

Shelley anne's idea is awesome - writing.

I wonder how you would go just writing a short note and popping it on her washing or next to her dinner or somewhere. Something simple like "I know you're in pain my love" or "I know it hurts sweet heart" something that you would say just to let her know you are there. The note doesn't have to invite a response that way there is no pressure.

There are some great resources on the website on how to help people you love who have depression. "For me" then "friends and family" at the bottom of the page.

I saw this really beautiful animation a few weeks ago. A girl was sitting against a wall in her room. Her cat came up and nuzzled its way on to her lap and into her arms then shut its eyes as well. That showed me that the cat just wanted to be there. I know when I've felt depressed minimal contact has been what I needed. When I was with my ex, I just wanted him to be next to me not fussing, just being around - just being there. Perhaps that approach could work as well. Watch telly together, sit on the couch without talking, just being. Might be good for a note "Need some company what won't talk - we can just be"

I echo Dwwmills advice on seeing if you can visit her psych or Dr together or even encourage her to visit alone if she wishes.

Take care. Stay in touch and let us know how things are going.

Paul

Novicemum · ‎08-05-2016

Hi Jubjub. My daughter is introverted too.Always been quiet and people wear her out. When she's flat I make her come downstairs and lay on the couch. At least then she may get distracted by TV or the dogs.there are days when we just sit and watch TV for hours while she puts her head on my lap.its really hard when all your friends kids are finishing degrees and conquering the world and your child is finding it hard to leave the house. It kills me to see her in such pain. It seems like it's never going to end. Writing is a great idea. I know I can write my own feelings down better than I can say them. Also go with her to the psych,even for the first visit.Im lucky my daughter doesn't mind if I go to part of every 3 rd session so I can learn to help her by learning what or how to say things to her. Good luck

geoff · ‎08-05-2016

hello dear Mum, what a great person you must be and I do understand the situation you and she are in, and the questions you always ask yourselves can never be answered, or if they are the answered, they will change everyday, leaving you both totally perplexed, so you feel as though nothing is happening, and this I feel so sorry for the both of you.
You have explained this situation very well, and your desperation of how to help your daughter is very clear, and it is obviously heart breaking especially for you, because what happens is that you just seem to jump up and down and not get anywhere.
Can I get you to click onto 'Get Support' and scroll down until you find 'Information Resources' and thern order all the printed material, which is free from BB and what this booklet explains is something that may be able to help the both of you.
What you have done to begin with is to be able to get your daughter to come downstairs and lay on ther couch, and for you to get her to do this is an enormous beginning, because what happens normally is that people with depression just want to stay in bed, so whether or not you feel this to be a positive move, it really is.
If you feel as though she isn't getting enough help from this psych then please it may mean it's time to try someone else, which could frighten your daughter, and I know it's very upsetting but someone new could have the answers you are looking for.
Can I ask whether or not something has happened that has caused her to not want to leave the house.
Your daughter obviously has full trust in you, and for this to happen is such a positive beginning, if you can believe me and feel as though I can be trusted.
I would love to hear back from you. Geoff. x

mylittlepony · ‎09-05-2016

Hi JubJub

Your post is pulling at my heart for 2 reasons. First - I could cut and paste your story and it could be mine. My gorgous daughter is in the depths of depression and I can seem to get her to make the connections with people who can help her. She has been on medication in the past but took herself of them because she felt they were not working. I have been trying to get her to revisit the Dr and try something different. Last week she said she saw a new Dr but I have doubts she did. This situation is now at the worst it has been and I am fearful for her and trying everything I can - but my question is, when your children wont accept your help and wont seek help themselves what do you do. At 19 years old I can only offer to help her, support and pay for any professional services she needs, but when she tells me to leave her alone and wont make those steps, what do I do? For the first time after talking to Life line last night, I almost called an ambulance based on their advice. If it wasnt for a friend coming to see her, I would have.

The second reason is that your name for this site is my daughters nickname - we call her JubJub. I would do anything to make things better for her - I need to know how to break down those walls and for her to see hope that she can make things better - she just doesnt believe in anything or herself anymore.

Any ideas would be appreciated.

Novicemum · ‎19-05-2016

Hi Geoff. I do try and tell myself that it's a good thing that we are on the couch and not upstairs. It's hard as I see it as a total waste of time,but in her sense it's " something" . She will come out for lunch if I ask her most times,and I leave a list of chores for her to do when I'm at work. Also she is due to be assessed for Asperger which I think she def has traits. Meanwhile we are trying a highly recommended gp next week who has had amazing success with her cousin ( after 10 years of chronic depression). I'm hoping once she is officially ASD she'll be happier in herself. It may help her come to terms with her situation.