Husband depressed

[Jell]

My husband of almost 20 years had a history of depression before he met me. I have never really recognised it in him, but he has said a few times over the years, that he battles with it every day, although no one would ever recognise it. He is very strong, very stubborn and very black and white in all he does. This year has seen him in his first year of retirement, but he has always been happy just to do his own thing around the paddocks etc. and is not interested in being involved with activities.

The last 3 months have been particularly hard, as I felt our relationship was slowly fading away. He has never been a good sleeper and has always keeps himself very busy. The last month or so, he has just not been feeling well, has been sleeping during the day, very glum and does not want to go outside to do his 'outside' work, which he has always loved (chopping wood, doing farm jobs etc, keeping busy). He did finally go to his doctor who thinks he is severely depressed.

My concern is that he is very much shut down from me, and is not interested in talking to me about what he feels/does not want medication (has had addiction issues with depression medication and sleeping tablets over 20 years ago, before I met him). I ask him and he doesn't let me in on anything. I feel like I am nagging because I don't get anything out of him. We have young children and as he is approaching 70, I feel he is feeling old, which has never been an issue previously.

How can I help him???

[white knight]

Hi jell welcome

I've felt the same lately. Finally I asked my wife for support and initially I had to fight for it. That shouldn't be the way it should be. You might not do that however. Subtle gestures hit home.

Now my wife realises not to do challenge me. But might you not know what he needs?

Outdoor chores might not be your thing right? But just merely joining him to help stack the wood, take a coffee with you when he carts wood, sit with him and do the most important two things of all....wait and care....be there. A hand on his shoulder, a hug.....that he isn't alone.

Also, google these

Topic: talking to men, some tios- beyondblue

Topic: depression, a ship on the high seas- beyondblue

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Good luck. Keep posting us updates.

Be very aware that him withdrawing is a very serious issue. Get him to his GP very soon also.

Tony WK

[Carmela]

Hi Jell, our stories are almost identical except my husband is 20 years younger. As Tony pointed out, seeing a GP is crucial. It seems from what you have written the downward slide is happening. My husband was a stubborn man and thought he could handle it, but of course, this wasn't the case. To prompt his attention that help was required, l would leave material around the house, like books or brochures that talked about depression, recovery, etc.

I also made it a daily thing never to forget to tell him how much l loved him and gave him a hug. Some days he would push me away, but l knew it was the depression.

I avoided pushing or nagging, but would gently initiate conversation on depression. I did at one point, visit our GP as he refused to go. The GP gave me some useful advice on services in the area I could tap into as well as ways l could help him come to the decision that seeing a GP would be a good first step.

There is, unfortunately, no easy solution. It's about patience and understanding. I would recommend you educate yourself on depression, so you are better equipped to understand the signs and what you can do as his carer and wife.

One final note, does he have a good friend that he is comfortable talking too? Sometimes partners can only do so much, and as l found out, my husband's friend proved to be a vital life line in getting him to the GP.

Kind regards, Carmela

[Jell]

Thank you Tony for your reply. You really hit the nail on the head with your suggestion about being out there to just be there. I went out today (yes, he was chopping and stacking the wood!) and I think it was appreciated. He has also recognised that he thinks he needs to go back to some type of work. Retirement doesn't seem to be suiting him at the moment.

I also think his saving grace is our young kids. Even when nothing else seems to help him, he is managing to keep happy when they are near.

I mentioned in my post that he did go his GP, and he was asked to go back in another week, which I am doubtful he will go back then...he is not good at keeping appointments, but I am proud that he went the first time.

Thank you again, and I will look at those websites you suggested.

Regards,

Jell