Advice for family where Dad has depression

Winterfell · ‎17-05-2016

My husband has been battling depression for a while now and has just been admitted to a mental health clinic. The kids dont know yet, they think he is away for work. He is quite low and feeling alot of shame, his depression has meant he has been irritable at home for months. We had talked to the kids about Dad feeling 'sad-mad' like a character in the inside out movie and they get that, he is a good bloke who is trying hard but his moods and need for control get the better of him. I thought he would be in hospital for a week to 10 days but he called last night and said his psychiatrist is talking about a month long admission. I have a 9 year old and 7 year old, he misses us already and he has only been in 3 days. Im unsure how to discuss his admission with the kids and how much we should visit him, I desperately want him to feel better and support him as much as we can. The last 4 months have been horrible, I struggle with his mood, anger, loss of interest, irritability and feel drained around him. Intellectually I understand his depression (I have a psych background) but emotionally it has been a difficult time. He is trying very hard though and is a good husband and father despite the depression. Thanks for listening, its a new thing for me to reach out for help online.

white knight · ‎17-05-2016

Hi winterfell, welcome

Firstly what a wonderful spouse you are!! A great attitude.

We are mostly sufferers here so you'll get valuable insight from us.

The extended time in care would likely be due to Drs wanting to assess him longer, quite common. It is for the best. During this time and the future you are the "rock" of the family and that isn't easy. Your husband will also feel he has been a failure so its really important he feels the family unit is functioning OK during this time even if you have to fake such portrayal.

The following are threads I've started that might help. Even the first post I wrote could assist in some perspective. Google them

Topic: depression, a ship on the high seas- beyondblue

Topic: depression and sensitivity a connection- beyondblue

Topic: talking to men, some tips- beyondblue. (This one doesn't mean you are at fault just ideas of treading lightly)

Praise is so important to dads. This has been my need when unwell. When really unwell my girls were 7 and 4yo, my marriage fell apart and I was on my own. I felt a total failure. Men do need that subtle pat on the back.

I hope you are OK. There are thousands of threads here you can read up on for info.

Tony WK

Winterfell · ‎17-05-2016

Thanks Tony, I worked in acute and community mental health for 12 years, mainly crisis work and early psychosis and forensic arena. Its challenging having supported other people and families but then having to 'walk the walk' myself so to speak. Your point about praise I will definitely focus on, my husband is feeling quite low, he has battled depression on and off the last 2-3 years but he has hit his lowest low I think. I have been a bit anxious myself how to handle it with the kids so your advice is appreciated, I think he really needs to know that we can all manage and get through this patch andthe kids will be okay with it too.

blondguy · ‎17-05-2016

Hello Winterfell and welcome

It would be a difficult time for your family for sure. I am also a sufferer of depression since 1997 and my moods were irritable on minute and then crying etc. I felt like a tennis ball in a tumble dryer until my female GP kicked me hard and put me on AD's 19 years ago.

My daughter in 1997 was 5 and when I did see her I told her that I couldnt do some of the activities I used to because dad had a bad headache that wouldnt go away and I needed some time to rest and get better. I had to miss about 6 weeks of fortnightly contact visits so I could let the AD's and therapy kick in.

As well as being a health care professional you are a great mum for posting here. There are many wonderful people that can be here for you Winterfell. As you know depression is a serious illness and you have seen your husbands 'depression talking' so to speak. To me its no different to diabetes or heart disease...It requires doctors and management.

I hope something here has been of help to you.

I will be thinking of you, your children and your husband

My Kindest Thoughts to you and your family

Paulx

geoff · ‎17-05-2016

dear Winterfall, having your husband in a clinic would be hoping that it is going to help him out this cycle not only for him but for you and the kids.
Can I suggest tht you think about telling your kids, because eventually they will find out somehow and if the other kids at school know then they have to be prepared, and by no reason it's a small world.
My two boys were young when I was put into a clinic after what I had tried to do, but rather than call it a mental health clinic, called a place for rest or a holiday, and I realise it maybe frightening for them but if they go sand see him in there it won't scare them that much, I hope not.
Even though you work with a psych background it's far different than living with it in your own family, so it's going to have an enormous impact on all of you.
When you see him at the clinic he will seem to be much better, perhaps happy and laughing because he has no pressure, no phone calls and no one to see, so it's a completely different environment than living at home, so it may seem as though he's healthy enough to come home, but can I say that this is an allusion, because as soon as he's home there is a possibility that he will go back to where he was, so if you can afford it, keep him there for as long as you can, maybe he can have week end visits back to home just to see how he's coping. Love Geoff. x

Winterfell · ‎18-05-2016

Thanks

we facetimed with him last night which was great, he loved to see the kids and we can do it very regularly (clinic has wifi). I told the kids yesterday and they were surprisingly matter of fact about it, my older son even knew what depression was - low mood with sadness he piped up! They know Dad is in a special clinic/hospital, I said it was kind of like a hotel for people with mood difficulties where Dad can concentrate on getting better. The clinic is a alot like a hotel, lifts and lobbies etc so hopefully that will make sense when we visit him.

I am getting used to the idea of him being in there for a while, they want to sort his sleep and he will have time to reconsider his work options (work is a massive stressor for him). I am trying to use the time to recharge myself and relax a bit as its been tense at home before he was admitted. Fingers crossed he gets on top of his depression.

blondguy · ‎18-05-2016

Hi Winterfell

Well explained to your kids, you have done so well. Its great that you have such a healthy attitude by using the time to self care after an understandably difficult time for your family.

I have had to look at my work situation as well. I didnt know how much it was actually exacerbating my depression.

My Kind Thoughts to You and your Family

Paul (Hug) for you if thats okay of course 🙂

Winterfell · ‎19-05-2016

Thanks for the kind words. His boss rang today and that was unexpected, they want to support him as best they can, he will have 2 months at least off work to start and then they will look at suitable duties if he is fit to return. That will be one less thing for him to worry about 🙂

geoff · ‎20-05-2016

dear Winterfell, I'm pleased that you have told your sons, and I'm sure that were always pleased to know where their dad was.
His boss knows of his situation and is trying his best to accommodate what he needs.
Take this time as where you can recharge your much needed batteries, and please let us know what is going on. Geoff. x

blondguy · ‎20-05-2016

Hello Winterfell

Your husbands' boss is a gem. That high level of understanding is a gift right now for him.

It must have been a great relief to you as well.

We are here for you

Paul