Should we use tough love or continue to disintergrate as a family

[desperatemum_dad]

Hi All, we have a 21 year old son who suffers extreme anxiety. He left school in year 10 after a breakdown and since that time has lived at home. He uses marijuana all day every day, sleeps during the day and is awake all night playing games or watching movies. He has had a few part time jobs for a couple of hours but they never continue past the first few shifts. He is aggressive and verbally abusive to me and his 20 yr old sister. He refuses to seek medical help and honestly believes that his drug use assists his condition.

Previously he has stolen from us to fund his habit. I now believe that he may be dealing to his "mates" to fund his drugs. His sister has moved out. We are at a total loss as to what to do. This is a highly intelligent man who is now 21 yrs old. We had no choice a few years ago to tell him he had to move out however we ended up caving and he came home.

I can't see anything changing with him and am at wits end about what to do. I love him so much but his continued disrespect of our family, our beliefs and our home is driving a wedge between my husband and myself. He continues to smoke his drugs in my home (in the garage) and his associates come to the house.

His anxiety leads to outbursts of anger where I am afraid for my own wellbeing. He doesn't drive as I refuse to teach him when he is under the influence so if he needs to go anywhere it is up to my husband and myself (except for the collection of his drugs).

If anyone has any ideas on whether I am best to ask him to leave or continue to try and help I would appreciate the advice. I can't continue to cry myself to sleep and continue working full time. I can't continue to think everything is fine when a strange car pulls up or he goes into the garage for hours or when he screams abuse at me.

Thank you for your advice.

[PatT]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear what you guys are going through and it's something that rings pretty close to home for me. I developed an addiction to painkillers when I was 20, which would go on to last about 3 years. I went into rehab when I was 23 and have gotten myself together but I started for many of the same reasons - as justification that it was 'treatment for my conditions'. The years are a bit blurry but I remember being incredibly verbally abusive and impossible to live with. My parents copped the brunt (financial and emotional) whilst trying to be as supportive as possible.

It's a difficult position for you both to be in because he's an adult as much as he's your baby. You feel obliged to support him but it doesn't seem to be moving anywhere. You mentioned having kicked him out once but caving and letting him back in. I completely understand the emotional reasons behind this but maybe you need to reconsider it but with some terms and conditions?

For example, you could tell him that he's out unless he goes and speaks to a psychiatrist. If he resists, literally force him out. You have to be strong and it will cause conflict, but he seems unrelenting to change. Alternatively there are Marijuana Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings around all urban areas. They're like AA in a sense but catered specifically to drugs (NA) or pot (MA). Don't get caught up in the whole "they're just a cult" movement either. I thought the same but they're really not. Most people are not religious, just communities trying to help each other.

Also - would you both consider seeing a psychologist? It could be really beneficial for your mental health. You won't be able to help him progress if you're both caught up in your own distress. Help yourselves first so you can help him.

All the best,
Pat.

[geoff]

hello, a sad comment with a son who is only interested in using drugs at your convenience, your house.
You don't know what he maybe doing to buy his drugs, courtesy of taking any of your goods so that he can sell them, but the excuse that 'it helps him' is not a viable reason for him to continue.
He is taking advantage of you living at your house, and his aggressive behaviour is something that needs immediate attention.
To tell a young adult what he should be doing and what he shouldn't be doing just falls on deaf ears, especially when he is under the influence of drugs, so some really hard decisions need to be made, I'm sorry to say, but even if you tell him to leave I'm afraid of any repercussions that could follow by his anger.
I think that the police need to be involved in this, which would mean maybe a conviction against his name, and possibility of getting an IVO on him, but then he will beg that he won't do it any more just so he can live at home again.
I have looked after an elderly chap who's son was doing drugs and always threatened his dad by hands around his neck, and dad put an IVO on him but then allowed him to stay at home, catch-22, nothing stopped or changed and dad wanted to take him to court and when court time came along dad reneged once again, so nothing changed, and so this saga continued, even though I told dad that must not give in.
I wish your son was ready to get help but at 21 I don't believe he will at the moment, 'he's having too much fun', which is not your way of living, so this needs immediate attention and by that you have to involve the authorities.
I know that it's very scary doing this, and I'm not sure how your husband feels, but please let us know. Geoff.x

[pipsy]

Dear desperatemum&dad. You seem to be in a catch 22 situation here. If you throw him out, you're naturally going to worry about what's going to happen to him. If you let him continue how much longer do you tolerate his unacceptable behaviour? Is he on c'link aid at all. He's 21, so really, in the eyes of the law he's 'of age' to make his own way. Drug's are illegal, him selling (if you believe that) is also illegal, the term is 'pusher'. I think Geoff's idea on reporting him to the authorities might be a good place to start. Perhaps if you asked the police the procedure on drug abuse generally. Ask them how they respond to calls regarding drug abuse. Once you know the procedure, perhaps you could tell your son how he would be treated if he was arrested. As far as the violent tendencies, he needs to know, this won't be tolerated, period. I think, possibly a hard line approach might be the only way to deal with this. Let him know, if he stays, it's on your terms, if he's not prepared to, he's out. As far as taking him anywhere, I think I'd be saying 'no'. As Geoff has said, no doubt he will apologise, promise 'no more' etc. Tell him you give him one month to clean up his act. After a month, if no change, out. I realise how hard it is, but you need help and peace of mind, he needs help, but he has to ask for it.

Lynda.