Boyfriend feels like he is destroying my life with his depression.

[Ognol]

My boyfriend and I (let's call him John) have been together for about 2 years. In that time he has supported me and some of my family members who have struggled with depression.

He comes from a very sheltered family who doesn't believe that mental illness is a real thing and largely believes depression is a joke. He shares this view to a certain extent, although his experience with my family and I are changing this.

He has always been quite active. He is very blokey and quite guarded. Pretty much the stereotypical tradie. He lost 40kg about 4 years ago but still struggles with body image and self confidence, despite being in quite good shape now.

He does a lot for his family, as he has a physically disabled father. He does all of the yard work and the majority of the house work as well as acting as a chauffeur for his father. He does have a sister, brother in law and mother, so this isn't 100% necessary.

So all of that in mind, it makes sense that John is struggling to come to terms with his depression and anxiety. He has just recently opened up to me about this. He said he hasn't slept more than 4 hours a night in the last month, which is a real issue because he has a very physically demanding job. He also said that he fantisies about dying, although he doesn't plan or think about suicide. Still really scary.

We have been having some relationship issues because of all this. He feels as though he is burdening me with his depression. He says it is ruining my life and that he thinks that he is holding me back or pulling me down.

He refuses to seek professional help because he is "stronger than that", and can't talk to his family (who constantly borate him for being lazy and selfish) because he is afraid of ridicule. He has come to my psychologist with me in the past (about 8months ago) and didn't get much from the experience.

Some people just don't get anything from therapy and that's cool with me but I just don't know how to help him. He feels like he is nothing and cant offer anything to anyone. He says that things were simpler when he was alone because he didn't have anyone to disappoint.

It kills me hearing him say stuff like that. He is my world but I know just telling him that isn't enough. I don't know what to do. Please help.

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[Doolhof]

Hi Ognol,

It can be difficult supporting people with depression and also experiencing it yourself. How would your boyfriend react if you wrote out a car telling him how much you love and care for him or if you bought one with a meaningful saying in it?

Is there something your boyfriend especially likes to do? Could you take him out to that special [place and tell him how much you care for him and that you appreciate all he does for you and your family?

There is a lot of information available here at Beyond Blue. Look at the resources available. There is specific information for depression in Men. You might find that informative as may your boyfriend.

Information is available as well on how to help and care for a person with depression. You could share this with your boyfriend.

Would he be open to the suggestion to start up his own thread here? There are a lot of guys in the community here who could help from a male point of view.

There are phone help lines and a Chat Online section you could use for more ideas.

It is wonderful you are wanting to support your boyfriend. Sometimes people with depression do feel like the world would be better without them. Information on safety around suicide is also available.

For me, learning more about mental health issues helps me with my own depression.

Check out some of the information, share it with your boyfriend when he is open to reading it, ask if he will see a Dr with you to discuss how he is feeling and see how that goes.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Winterfell]

Hi there

sleep is a really serious issue, it will muck up your whole system, my husband is getting his sleep and depression sorted as an inpatient as it got that bad. Seeing a gp about the sleep might be a good first step, he cant work well or safely with that level of deprivation let alone the havoc its playing with his mood. Perhaps after he has seen a gp about sleep the next step might be about his mood. Depression isnt a sign of weakness, thats stigma and pride talking. He has alot on his plate, maybe talk in more general terms of stressors and mood to start with. Good luck to you both, I hopehe gets some help soon and he is fortunate to have you as a support

[geoff]

hello Ognol, depression is such a funny word not in terms of humour, but how it affects those that are involved as it has a different meaning to each one of us.
It sounds as though he and his family have faced the darker side facing it head on, especially as his father is disabled and there must have been many problems that he and his family had to cope with, or perhaps they didn't want to believe what this illness entails as they believe it's a form of weakness, but as we all know it's not.
For him to be a blokey type person working as a tradie as well as doing all the yard work, house work and then taking control of his dad, he would feel that if he was depressed, then he was weak, however that's why he won't seek medical help.
By going with you to the psychologist may not have benefited him only because the session maybe more involved around what was concerning yourself and necessarily himself.
There are people who don't want to seek help only because they don't have any belief in what they are trying to do, but one or two sessions aren't going to give immediate help, it takes a bit longer than that, and please remember that depression wants someone to be alone, simply because they don't want to hurt the closest to them, but in actual fact that's what does happen, you are concerned more and worried about what could happen.
Could you click onto 'Get Support' at the top of the page, and scroll down to 'Informatio Resourses' and order the all the free material from BB which is about depression but it's very helpful.
What he needs to do is to be able to learn all about this illness, not to push it aside, and hopefully this maybe the start to his recovery, but please keep us informed. Geoff x

[Ognol]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your advice! It reall did help me.

I should have mentioned this in the post but he had some limited experience with psychologists when he was younger as he struggled with quite severe OCD as a child.

He struggles when put in a clinical environment. I was hoping to find an alternative, possibly like a counselor that he can talk to in more if a social setting. I'm not sure if anything like that exists as a service. I just think he'd benefit more if he isn't stuck in a room with someone he will probably refuse to talk to. He also has ADD so kinda struggles sitting and talking for long periods.

I know it's a long shot but I'd really appreciate any advice anyone could give me around this