My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

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Originally posted by:Karen on 27 April 2011

My husband has been depressed now for as long as I can remember and after 8 years together, this morning I feel as though I can't hang on any longer. He is withdrawn from everything, he goes to work, comes home, goes for a walk, has 2 beers and goes to bed. On weekends he will never do anything with me. Our intimacy has vanished and usually I am so upset I sleep in the other room. I've tried to explain to him for the past two years that we need to spend 'quality time' together regularly or even occasionally if we are stay connected as a couple and he says understands but then continues to refuse to go anywhere with me. I have nursed him back to health many times, I make sure he has his vitamins & good meals, I have helped him reduce his drinking dramatically but for the past few years I have not been able to connect with my husband emotionally as he is shutdown all the time and stonewalls me. He won't see a doctor, won't take medication and I know if I leave him, he will just say he is a failure at marriage and get worse but living with a man with depression is a living hell for the wife too. I do feel selfish sometimes but I feel like I deserve a life and after searching for many years to find a loving husband now I have lost him to depression, it's just not fair. I feel like, if I stay, I will soon be plagued with depression also. If I go, my husband may harm himself. I just live in this limbo day after day and we have the same arguments week after week. We are financially bankrupt and have lost everything, we don't earn enough money to even pay our bills so he everyday he gets deeper into the depression plus my husband's father is dying of prostate cancer yet I still get angry and frustrated with him. My husband's nephew committed suicide 2 years ago and I now think its a family disposition which worries me even more. I just don't know what to do to break this cycle.

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Originally posted by: Phil on 2 May 2011

Dear Lynthi, I must echo Geoffs words. As usual you have come out with amazing advice and knowledge. I would just like to support your words by saying that as a person that has been in the worst grip of psychotic depression I would submit that any legal response to my illness was warranted. I was hospitalised and involountarily committed to the mental health system because of my illness. I would like to say that this action by the authorities was completely warranted. When a person is in the grips of a serious mental illness I believe that any action by the health services is completely justified. It is not like olden times when people are locked away in a lunatic assylum. I was hospitalised against my will for a poultry 2 weeks and given amazing treatment in a modern mental health facility , caring, (by most of the staff) and given medication and I engaged with a Psychiatrist. All this protected my wife and family from my severe illness. I thank the mental health authorities for doing what they did and protecting my family. If a person is mentally unwell, aggressive, abusive and possibly violent it is surely the authorities responsibility to do what they must to. By the way Lyn, I am feeling a bit burnt out and I think I will follow your advice and take a break for a while. I think I'll be vegging in front of the TV for a while. My wife has been making a few comments that I have been spending a bit too much on here. I'll look forward to catching up in a week or so...Best regards to all the regular posters....Phil

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Originally posted by: Heth on 3 May 2011

Thinking of you, Karen. You don't need to be walking on egg shells for ever. I would be telling him that if you do not get the help you know you need, you give me no choice but to leave and like Lynthi says you can not be responsible for his well being. Though he wants you to feel guilty for being a "Nagging wife".... cop out, I say! He would rather use you as the reason than deal with this, because it's all too much and he has too much pride. It sounds like you are remaining strong with all this and I don't know how you do it, but something has to give. I can't believe how stubborn and proud he is! that would frustrate the .... out of me! How long can someone remain depressed without wanting to get help for themselves!? Surely they see this at his work too, particularly if he is in tears there...? Take care darling, Heth x

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Originally posted by: Lynthi on 4 May 2011

Have a well earned break, Phil. We'll still be here. Fond regards, Lyn

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Originally posted by: jo on 4 May 2011

OMG! you know i was aware that i was not the only person in the world to be going through this but your post echoes my situation almost exactly. I am now really struggling being the carer in this relationship despite being in the medical profession and feel that my husbands illness is killing our relationship. I have been with my husband for 18 years and we have 2 fabulous kids. Most of our time together has been happy, however over the years he has regularly taken himself off to bed, often for days at a time saying he had a migraine but wouldn't take any painkillers?? and yes I did wonder. 5 years ago we emmigrated to Australia and his symptoms became more dire and increased in frequency. About 10 months ago he had a total meltdown during which I insisted he see his GP. We went together but the GP wasn't totally convinced he was depressed but put him on medication anyway which he took for a while then just stopped. The cycle started up again and was triggered on a weekly basis. My husband came to his own conclusion (thankfully) after doing some research on the net that he might be bipolar. We saw a different GP who agreed with our diagnosis of bipolar type2. Again he was prescribed meds took them for a couple of weeks but they "dulled" his creative side so he stopped taking them. One day whilst at work (I work 12 hour shifts) he phoned me to say he was feeling awful in fact so awful he had taken himself to the local hospital as he just couldnt bear living like this anymore. So you can imagine how I feel unable to leave work but hearing that your husband feels so s*** he just wants to end it! He was given an appt for a medical review but said he couldn't go bacause he couldn't afford the time off work. Admittedly he has throughout our time here spent about half of his time unemployed so our financial situation is crap. He also won't see a clin psych bacause he can't afford it. I suppose I am fortunate in that I know what his trigger is (living in Aus- he would desperately love to return to the UK but we can't due to our kids, 1 of them is in year 12 and wants to go to uni yadda yadda). However I know I can't go on carrying him like this as it's killing me too. I can't keep wondering if at any time he's going to end it all because it's become too much and as heartless as it may sound do I ensure he has life insurance because I can't afford to do all this by myself with no family support here in Aus? There is so much more to this story but my fingers are now aching and I feel i've bored you all enough. But do you know what tops this story off? Most of my friends in Aus are depressed and taking meds! I am the only 1 of my set of close friends who is not on any medication. Sorry I am unable to offer any advice or support to yourself, I just wanted to say your not alone. What the answer is I do not know I just hope my answer doesn't hit me in the face one day. Good luck

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Originally posted by: Karen on 5 May 2011

To Lynthi, I appreciate your trying to help although I found your comments very upsetting and very over the top for what my situation is. I don't blame you, the way I worded my last post must have lead to your misunderstanding. My husband has never been cunning or a manipulating person. He has always been very unselfish and kind and it is only this deep depression in inability to be able to support his family that has him perhaps, without even knowing it, manupulating me in an subconscious way. Its been a very difficult week as I've listened to different ideas including to leave my husband but we love each other very much and I am drawing strength on this today and will keep fighting for him. I did get very stern with him on the weekend and managed to get him to the doctor. The gp was very concerned and he is now 5 days into medication and will see someone weekly. He has already improved in his thinking. I have today contacted a financial helpline to see if I can get help with our dire situation so as to relieve some of that terrible burdon my husband feels every single day that he has failed his family by not being able to support us. I would rather choose to see him as a man who is succeeding in overcoming something much greater than financial trouble. How brave that makes him. I still feel very alone and have been getting very tired and teary myself but I've just watched the Beyond Blue Carer's DVD I received in the mail yesterday and I have tears of relief as I identify with others. It's not until you look back on what's happened that you stop and think "how on earth have I managed to cope" but I thank God that I have. Thanks everyone I encourage you all to reach out and get the gate open to the road to recovery.

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Originally posted by: Lynthi on 5 May 2011

Hi Karen, Thank you for setting the record straight. I always appreciate any feedback. It's only by receiving feedback that we can improve our responses. You may have noticed that we require Responder Volunteers. The current Responders who are volunteers are pretty much burnt out with the number of people seeking help and the small number of generous people who are able and willing to respond to specific issues. Please feel free to become a Responder if you think you can fit it in around your current circumstances. I am so happy to hear that things are going along fine and that your husband is actually seeking help now. Best wishes, Lyn

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Originally posted by: Karen on 5 May 2011

Hi Karen I have been in the exact situation you describe, except I was the one suffering from depression. My husband did eventually leave me and I have been receiving great medical and psychiatric care for the last 12 months (as an outpatient). Although it was devastating, the experience has not been totally negative and I think I am actually stronger now than I have been in years. It forced me to take action and put in place some positive things in my life, and I no longer feel that there is no hope for my future. I think I was very self-focused and inward-looking, and I now have goals and a different attitude. There are still darker days, but they are much less frequent, and I now have a support system of friends and professionals in place to reach out to when I need to. I think shame was a major factor in my refusal to seek help. I think you should be commended for standing by your husband and being so supportive - I know I was very difficult and frustrating to live with. Your loyalty is wonderful and I'm sure your husband will appreciate it eventually, even if he doesn't now. It seems as though you need to focus on yourself more. Your health is very important, both physical and mental. Is there a doctor or counselor you can see for support at this difficult time. Its not only the sick that need care. Take some time to enjoy life for yourself even if you can't do it with your husband at the moment. Spend time with family and friends or just take some time out to treat yourself. It sounds as though you need a reward of some kind. My best wishes to both you and your husband - I hope things work out for you.

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Originally posted by: Heth on 6 May 2011

Hi Karen, I am so pleased to read your most recent post! Your husband is now on the meds and he seems to be doing better. Maybe that's all he needed was for you to crack down on him and get hard. I hope he sticks with it and you are amazing ... Hx

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Originally posted by: Mel Rae on 6 May 2012

Hi I live with a depressed husband, who also suffers with OCD. I am no way perfect, although i feel I've come to the end of my self. We have been married for over 15 years and our marriage has had it's ups and downs. I have also had bouts of severe anxiety and have had 2 breakdowns, quite a few years ago. although after much counselling, I feel I have come out much stronger, very resilient and I know how powerful it is to know that you don't have to give into your emotions and you can choose to rise above them and do what is right. I am nearly 11 weeks pregnant, which is an amazing miracle, after 7 years of tiring and trying through ivf. I have felt through our relationship that I've had to drag my husband along with me. I'm tired now and I need him more than ever now that we have a little one on the way. I'm tired and I'm concerned about our future. I'm a happy positive person, determined to make the most of each day. I love my husband and I know he has a sincere genuine heart, although I've had enough of his bouts of anger, depressed mood day in day out, sleeping every week end, continuing negativity and critism. It seems like all he can think about is himself and his need. I feel bad about saying these things, i just need to get it off my chest.He is such an intelligent, capable man, although I see this disorder sucking the life out of him and me and I'm worried how it my affect the little one. I appreciate being able to say all this in an anonymous environment thanx

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Originally posted by: geoff on 11 May 2012

dear Mel Rae, I can totally appreciate your concern, because I was the same only in being depressed and having OCD, because I was a quiet person and didn't hassle anyone. There must be a great deal of frustration having to go through IVF for 7 years, but now finally it's worked and that's terrific. I would like to know what his 'need' is, and there could be many to chose from, but this also exasperates the situation. After successful counselling you have become a stronger person which is what I always believe, and to try and explain about this new strength, well it makes us know the situation before hand and what is going to happen, so we can avoid it before 'it gets to us'. We also move away from previous dangerous situations because we realise that if we continue, it will only make us fall into the black hole again. dear Mel Rae, try and convince your husband to seek help, because the next phase in your life will be pretty well 24/7, and this requires a joint effort. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl, or just left it until the time comes, the old saying seems fit for all of us, ' the mind boggles'. Love Geoff. x