My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

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Originally posted by:Karen on 27 April 2011

My husband has been depressed now for as long as I can remember and after 8 years together, this morning I feel as though I can't hang on any longer. He is withdrawn from everything, he goes to work, comes home, goes for a walk, has 2 beers and goes to bed. On weekends he will never do anything with me. Our intimacy has vanished and usually I am so upset I sleep in the other room. I've tried to explain to him for the past two years that we need to spend 'quality time' together regularly or even occasionally if we are stay connected as a couple and he says understands but then continues to refuse to go anywhere with me. I have nursed him back to health many times, I make sure he has his vitamins & good meals, I have helped him reduce his drinking dramatically but for the past few years I have not been able to connect with my husband emotionally as he is shutdown all the time and stonewalls me. He won't see a doctor, won't take medication and I know if I leave him, he will just say he is a failure at marriage and get worse but living with a man with depression is a living hell for the wife too. I do feel selfish sometimes but I feel like I deserve a life and after searching for many years to find a loving husband now I have lost him to depression, it's just not fair. I feel like, if I stay, I will soon be plagued with depression also. If I go, my husband may harm himself. I just live in this limbo day after day and we have the same arguments week after week. We are financially bankrupt and have lost everything, we don't earn enough money to even pay our bills so he everyday he gets deeper into the depression plus my husband's father is dying of prostate cancer yet I still get angry and frustrated with him. My husband's nephew committed suicide 2 years ago and I now think its a family disposition which worries me even more. I just don't know what to do to break this cycle.

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Originally posted by: Heth on 27 April 2011

Hi Karen, you are going through a lot and I really don't know what to say...so I'm just going to say what comes. My thoughts are with you darling and I shall say a prayer for you and this sad situation you are fighting. It is hard to help someone who does not want to be helped. I guess there is only so much you can do, but you want to try and exhaust all avenues before giving up on your marriage. In saying that, I believe you must take care of yourself first and foremost or you will not be able to fight this. You can't do this alone, so you could try and look at getting some assistance for both the marriage and your husbands depression. Relationships Australia can help you with the relationship, and yes they will see you on your own, because I would presume your husband would not be wanting to go, or even in a fit enough state to. It may sound trivial, but little things may help 'boost' your marriage ... a love note in his lunch bag, candle lit dinner at home, soft music, things that he has no choice in accepting. He needs to be diagnosed first before treatment. Did this start with the knowledge of his fathers illness? This may have a huge amount to do with his depression. You could be rather cunning and call up a locum Dr who specializes in Mental Health, to come out to the house (?) This may be the only way. Other than this I am sure there is a section on BB that can assist for partners who have depression and if you are in Victoria there is a site called ARAFEMI which I believe is very good, too. All the best Karen and don't give up on your husband or yourself! Heth x

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Originally posted by: Lynthi on 28 April 2011

Hi Karen, You are a very good woman to stay and try and help your severely depressed husband. You're right, Depression is definitely a relationship killer. Depression is treatable, managable yet not curable. Medication today is very effective when the type and dosage is correct. Your husband relies on you to keep his health even at the minimal level for survival. That's a significant demand placed on you 'the carer'. You feel guilty for having quite natural feelings. Your husband needs to address his health issues with a Mental Health Professional. It's only fair that he play his part in his own recovery. You can't do it for him. He has your support. A temporary withdrawal of 'enabling' may encourage him to find his way by himself . This may be what is required. At least he only drinks 2 beers a night. It would be much worse with many beers. Your fear that he could regress to earlier form is a realistic concern. There is also the fear that if you left he would 'commit suicide'. You are currently in a very awkward and manipulated position. No one should feel forced to stay in an unhappy situation if the other party isn't doing anything to actively retrieve 'good health'. He is either wittingly or unwittingly aware of the fear you feel for him to his advantage. I think he must see a Doctor for his own sake. It may not only be Depression. In addition he may also have a Thyroid problem which makes people very tired and irritable, or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. All possible illnesses need to be assessed. You may also wish to attend a GP to discuss your situation and the circumstances you are currently operating under. You may need some counselling so as to enable you to deal with your own feelings. You need a listening ear so as to vent. No medication required. Best wishes. You are living in a very difficult situation. You are always welcome on the board. Please let us all know how things progress. Good luck, Lyn.

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Originally posted by: Roger on 28 April 2011

Karen, Well done. Very brave to come on here and air this but certainly the right move as you are in good company. I can give you the husband with depression's perspective as I have a wife that has to live with my depression. Quite honestly my situation differs as I religiously see my doctor, psychologist and take medication. I am well on top (most of the time) and realise that I cannot fight this alone. This is probably where my wife feels a sense of calm in that not everything falls to her and that the relationship doesn't suffer due to me seeking out the appropriate professional help and doing what I can to help me manage. Getting through to your husband here is imperative. Getting him to a doctor and other help is extremely important but if he doesn't want to go, it makes it very tough. Is there a friend that can help him face his situation? Family member? I was faced with my first bout about 10 years ago and it hit me like a rocket. I was feeling lower than I felt a human being could feel. I didn't know such misery could exist. I can only describe it as death warmed up. However, despite pitfalls along the way, I have overcome much and have had to become open to forms of treatment that I never thought I would need. Anti-depressants, psychologists - no not me! The quicker he can lose these long held fears that seeing a psychologist or taking medication is only for basket cases the better. I am a normal, productive member of society but have some mental health issues. Good luck with it and keep in touch. I am happy to provide further details or answer any questions that may assist you to tackle this from a different angle. I must also stress that you cannot put it all on yourself to save him. He has to take some steps to help himself. I feel your job is help lead him down a path to help but don't take on the role of doctor and psychologist as it will slowly wear you down. Roger

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Originally posted by: Rebecca on 28 April 2011

Hi Karen, I was crying so hard when I read your post. You described my life too. I also worry about our 2 young kids and try to keep things "normal". I'm not so sure I'm doing a great job. i did say for better or worse but like you, I also need a life not just an existance. I desperately want that for myself and my husband and I keep thinking he'll get better. I'm going to try and get him to the GP again. I don't think I could live with myself if I gave up on him because it was too hard for me. One hour at a time. Rebecca

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Originally posted by: geoff on 29 April 2011

dear Karen, I have typed and re-typed replies to you, but just like Roger I was the same. All I can say is that the comments made by these dear people gives you some great advice, I am so sorry that I can't help you, or maybe it just brings back my past, and this should not have happened, but it's a story so close to my heart. I totally sympathise for you and know the hell it causes and I hope that it improves greatly. Please stay in contact, which will give me time to think over this. I feel as though it's a 'cop-out', and this should not happen, what if it happens again, and say, someone close to me was in the same position, then I should be able to help them, no matter what. Or the question may arise of how come I have been able to control depression, but can't help you, this is a valid, but a stupid question to me, it doesn't seem to be logical. Maybe I should just cancel this letter again, but here goes. L Geoff

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Originally posted by: Karen on 30 April 2011

I was so overwhelmed to read the replies to my post. At last I don't feel so alone. I can't tell you all how much it meant to read your kind advice. This week I have tried to explain to my husband that if he does not address his depression that I did not know how our marriage would sustain and that I needed a few days break to think. He has responded by getting even more depressed, he rang me yesterday and said he wasn't well at work, that his body is aching all over and he can't stop crying. He said he doesn't know what he can do about the marriage he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. He is just a man who goes to work and comes home and that's all he will ever be. He says he just doesn't have any interests. I told him that's because of the depression. He disagreed. He thinks i'm making unreasonable demands on him for expecting him to spend time with me on the weekends. I could tell by the way he was talking that he is starting to suffer psychosomatic symptoms and I knew I had to change course very quickly or he would crash. The last time this happened, he locked his keys and wallet in his car and disappeared. The police and I searched bushland for him as we suspected he was suicidal. It was the most terrifying time of my life. I suspect he was going to jump off the bridge however he eventually walked home. A few days later his legs & feet swelled up so bad he couldn't walk. He spend a week in hospital and they did all the tests but the psychiatrist eventually diagnosed psychosomatic symptoms. He buries things so deep that they manifest physically. The doctor put him on anti-depressants but he went off them after about 4 weeks, said they make him too drousy and he felt better. So on the phone yesterday I felt I had to tell him everything would be alright, I will never leave him, just to stay in the day and not allow his mind to tell him bad things and not to think about anything but what he has to do right now, that I would cook a lovely roast tonight and we would cuddle in bed and he could have a good sleep. It got him through the day and he feels a bit better but I am still left empty and unheard. I am taking all the advice on board. I think I'll start by seeing my local doctor and explaining it to her and then I think an intervention is necessary. I live in Sydney so I'll need to find out who can come to the house. The most frustating part is that because we have been through this all before my husband knows damn well in his heart that he is severly depressed he is just too stubborn to get help. I feel that if someone else can tell him the tremendous responsibility he is putting on me that he will listen and understand. At the moment he just thinks I'm a nagging wife. I'll keep in touch and thanks again, what a fantastic forum! Karen

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Originally posted by: Rob on 1 May 2011

Karen, I was reading a parenting book today which happened to have a section on parental depression. It described many feelings I have and reactions i give. This was somewhat of a shock to me. Because depression is something I know little of, I immediately googled the subject and got onto this website. I read your story and the comments, which gave me something of an epiphany. My wife and I have now discussed the issue more clearly and I am now using google to find a psychiatrist to see next week. I'm sorry I have no advice to offer you, but I wanted to let you know that your posting has helped me a lot and I thank you for it. I wish you the best and I hope you can find a positive resolution to your situation. Rob

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Originally posted by: lynthi on 1 May 2011

Hi Karen, I'm sorry to say that your husband knows how to press your buttons. He gets what he wants by direct threat or innuendo. Very cunning. When the situation determines he raises the anti on how he is going to get you to do what he wants e.g. leaving keys in car and taking off into the bush with the Police and Emergency Services searching for him. That got you back didn't it? What was it he didn't get from you? He is indeed very ill. In my opinion he needs hospitalisation. When you talk with your Doctor explain how he has been playing you like a fiddle. He shouldn't be rewarded for doing nothing to fix his 'own' health. It's difficult to assess whether some of his behaviour is pure 'rat cunning' (he gets exactly what he wants by its use) combined with a serious mental illness. You are able to contact the Crisis Assessment Treatment Team. If you don't have their number call the nearest large Hospital where you live and ask them for the CAT Teams phone number and give them a brief description of his behaviour. They will assess him over the phone and determine whether he should be placed into a Mental Health Facility. When he is considered well enough to leave, your husband may be put on a CTO (Community Treatment Order). This order requires that he adheres to the Mental Health Review Board Orders order to visit a Government Psychiatrist and depot medication may be administered. Depot medication is an order that he must take medication by order of the Law. It is generally administered with a syringe on a monthly basis. If he does not attend for its application the Police have the right to arrest him. It should keep him on an even keel. It may even make him better. If he is ordered and doesn't comply he may be placed by the Mental Health Review Board into care, until he is well enough to leave. He does have a right of appeal against the Mental Health Review Boards decisions. The Board consists of a Civilian, a Lawyer and a Psychiatrist. If your husband is acting up, you would be able to call the Crisis Assessment Team, they will assess him in situ and determine what risks if any are evident. If he appears mentally unwell, in their opinion, after consultation with their Crisis Manager and with that Manager's approval they shall call the Police and Ambulance and have him transported to a Mental Health Facility at a Major Hospital for his own safety and that of others. Your husband may trip himself up by being so cunningly needy and cute. You can play the Ace. The CAT team will have him removed and he shall be dealt with for his own well being. Personally, in my opinion I think your husband is cruel in the extreme. He plays emotional poker with you. You need in all honesty to have the strength to leave him. If you stay I can't see the future as being particularly bright. Least of all for you, Karen. When he threatens to do things, let him. You are not responsible for his well being. He alone is responsible for that. Feel no guilt. No matter what the outcome. No one can make another behave acceptably in a marital situation. My final advice would be to leave him. Ignore his attempts at attention. No one else should feel they could have done more. I think you have done and put up with enough. Stay safe, Lyn

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Originally posted by: geoff on 2 May 2011

dear Lynthi, you are remarkable with your knowledge and advice, good on you and I am sure everybody appreciates it so much, I certainly do, as I learn a hell of lot from you. Best wishes. L Geoff.